Many of you will recognize my BS Catwhit's name. For about 2 yrs she has been a regular poster. A quick background, we are in recovery from my adultery, for 10 months I had an emotional affair with a co-worker, thank god it remained emotional, although the sexual tension was tremendous, causing me to be an absolute idiot and kept me in the "fog" even after being discovered after 5 months. We did all the right things, moved (to a different country) wrote NC letter to OW, who said shed respect it. We did a partial exposure, but somehow I managed to convince catwhit not to do a full exposure, work etc. What a mistake that was!!
Non the less I couldn't give it up and was after we had moved away BS caught me in emails and it became obvious I had not stopped after the first time. I was so relieved to be caught again, I knew it could never work out but couldn't give it up. This time a second NC letter, followed by a copy of Surviving an Affair so that OW would understand what we were going through. The as full a disclosure as we could, her work, mine but we couldn't track down her family.
About 4 months later, my new cell rang, answered without even looking at a number (guard was down after NC for 4 months) it was OW, said she wanted to wish us both a Happy New year. I was stunned and responded, thank you, and then hung up. I was with Catwhit at the time and immediately told her what happened. This time we seeked legal help to stop the contact, turns out its not harassment, so no luck there. Finally another letter advising that any further contact and we will complain to her employer about harassment. All was quiet for 20 months, then just last week, she found me on Linkdin, I didn't see it as I never look at "who's been looking at you". But catwhit has full access to all my devices, and she told me about it. We finally found away to block her on that so hopefully thats another dead end.

I started this post for another reason entirely, but having started giving background, I realize you all might be able give us some tips on further protection from contacts.

BTW we cant let her employer know about this last contact, as she has left that company and is in fact currently looking for another position.

Also can anyone tell us, is it possible to write a thread in word or another means, and then copy and paste. The reason being, we are currently traveling, and the other night after spending over an hour composing the original thread I wanted to post, I lost it all as the wifi at the hotel we were in timed out!!!! Grrr
Thanks in advance

You haven't implemented extraordinary precautions.
Eliminating social media is one of the first actions people take in establishing no contact.

How did she get your cell phone number? Did you change it?

Oh, mailing a book to the affair partner serves no purpose whatsoever.
She doesnt care about your marriage.

Taffy,

One of the initial steps in "just compensation" is to eliminate all avenues that allow an affair to occur. Any method that the OW can use to contact you needs to be eliminated. Lose the social media.

Recognize that this attempt is like a hammer blow to recovery. It focuses you and Catwhit in the past and not the present.

AM

Hi Taffy, one thing that might help if you travel is getting an iPad with cellular coverage. It would be so much easier to post when you are traveling. I travel around my state and use it all the time. You can type out a post on "notes" and copy and paste it in the thread.

As far as the issue of social media, the others are right. That is step one of extraordinary precautions: eliminating social media. I am horrified to hear that you sent that skank a copy of Surviving an Affair, because that gesture indicates you care about her enough to share your personal marriage recovery plan. That is like sending the rapist a copy of rape victims survival manual. How inappropriate!

Anywho, what is done is done. I would follow the checklist in the new version of SAA:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Taffy, I am sorry that you are dealing with an OW who is still holding on to the fantasy and delusion. That must be very unsettling for Catwhit. She must feel like she is being stalked.

I think one of the major factors driving my own successful recovery was witnessing my FWH take ACTION to protect me and the marriage from his own predatory OW. It is up to YOU... not the police or the reliance on the OW's sense of right or wrong because OW has proven that she does not have the same morals as you and catwhit.

I am a bit shocked that you thanked OW for the New Years wishes before hanging up. I think I would have literally been sick if my own FWH had done that.

What is YOUR plan in dealing with OW if she gets through again and to keep her from stalking your marriage ... because you do have the power to cut her off and stop this nonsense.

I agree, you must get rid of all social networking.

Did you change your cell number again?

To all responders, apologies for not getting back right away. Catwhit and I are on vacation in South Africa. Believe it or not, there are still places that the WWW has not ....

Jedi, I am not a social network hound, the Linkdin was a mistake, I think we have effectively stopped that route.
As for the phone, I did change it when we moved and again just a few months ago. I did not put call forwarding from the old numbers. Also I try to make a habit of only answering a call I recognize the number from. The rest I let go to voice mail.
But you are right the Linkdin was my mistake and it hurt Catwhit, she didn't tell me how much or I would have tried something else sooner ( I think, hindsight is cheap)

Jedi, we realize that now. We were new at this back then. Catwhit sent it hoping that it would help her understand our problems going forward. We realized she is a damaged person (bunny in the pot) and you cant reason with that. We actually tried third parties to intervene, frankly they were a bit scared to get involved!
I can't believe I dodged two bullets, the OW and losing Catwhit
Taffy

Hi Melody,
Thanks for the iPad tip. It's generally what i travel with. Just wasn't sure of the foibles of the system. I was using it the other night, but we are on holiday in Africa and it's quite unstable!
As for the book, as I mentioned in a reply to Jedi, Catwhit sent it, I have agreed never to have contact.
As for the phone call, as if mentioned, I was stunned, just was not expecting it. It was contrary to my no contact agreement with Catwhit.
As for your checklist, we have done everything in the list, we have been following all the lessons in Surviving an Affair. Our biggest issue would be overnight separation, we try to travel as much as possible together, sometimes Catwhit just doesn't want to come along. Alaska in January is just not fun, neither is the Nevada desert in July. But it remains a problem for us. We discussed job change but at my age and as close as we are to retirement we decided to try to make that work also. So we use FaceTime nightly to show where I am etc.

Sir, you must eliminate all overnight travel.
Otherwise, your wife should just call it quits if you cant change your lifestyle to protect your marriage

Taffy,

Please explain how having a Linkdin account was a mistake. Did it somehow get on your computer without you knowing? Did it already give you a login? Rather, setting up a Linkdin account without Catwhit's knowledge is independent behavior and part of a secret second life. Every time you do something similar, it causes massive lovebank withdrawals, all the worse because of your affair history and false recovery. If Catwhit has reservations about loving you, she is totally justified. You have not done all the necessary things to eliminate a secret second life.

AM

It doesn't matter if you have one social networking account or 10 - any WS who is serious about recovery will heed the warnings and shut it ALL down.


What does this mean? That the account was closed? Please be specific.

I see.

Is there a reason that you two would continue to take risks of further contact with OW vs just shutting the account down?

Armymama,
My comment about it being a mistake, was related to not seeking a way to effectively block the OW. Linkdin was on my computer for years before my betrayal, it didn't just get there.
I will ask Catwhit if she wants me to remove it now. If she does, I'll remove it.

Taffy

Susie,
Please see response to Armymama
Thanks
Taffy

Jedi,
This is an area we struggle with! We both recognize the issues. What we have done is move to another country to get away from the OW.
Travel in y contract can be up to 25% of the time. Fortunately for us it isn't that high. My boss knows about the affair and is cognizant of the issues travel has. its why we are encouraged to travel together,
Before departing on this vacation we spent a month together in Alaska working, it was good for both of us a the household distractions were not there.
When i am not traveling, i actually work at home and we are together pretty much all the time.
We need these last two years of my work life to top up funds as we took an early retirement of 5 years living together on our sailboat, 24/7 sailing the oceans.
At my age and in the industry I am in, getting a job that has zero o/n trips would be impossible.
I leave it entirely to Catwhit to decide if she wants to come along, that way she knows i am not making plans without her. we cant think of a better solution to this issue that we understand the ramifications of.
Even Dr Harley is forced at times to do this, but then they are not in recovering.

Why don't you get rid of it as an EP you put in place to protect your marriage, and THEN tell catwhit?

Can you tell us about the just compensation you've given catwhit?

How have you been meeting her EN? What are her top EN?

Have you listened to the clips in here?
What is Just Compensation?

Dr. Harley and Joyce travel TOGETHER.
The career should fit the marriage, not vice versa.