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Originally Posted by confusedwife39
I have decided to tell my affair partner as soon as he is back from the trip not to contact me anymore by any means of communication ever again. I will be telling my husband everything and changing jobs to leave the town, so that memories of the affair can stop torturing me.

That is a great plan, BUT I would suggest not talking to that dirtbag again. Tell your husband TODAY and write the OM a no contact letter that is approved by your husband that you can send together. That should be the last thing the OM ever hears or sees from you.

I would also get the book Surviving an Affair [you can down load this on a kindle, iPad or PC]and read it with your husband so you can understand how affairs happen and learn how to prevent this from happening again.

In the next post I will post the standard no contact letter and the extraordinary precautions checklist.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.
here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I finally gathered the courage and told my husband about the affair. We had a long discussion about it. He said he needed some time away to process the information. He will be leaving the town tonight and going back to his job. To pack up my life in this town and go back, I will be taking around 15 days. These 15 days, I am completely alone. My husband needs some time, which is understandable and I want to respect his wishes, so I am giving him his space. I have also broken all contact with my affair partner, I sent an email to him yesterday night. He can read it whenever he accesses it.

However, now, I am emotionally broken and no-one to turn to. I miss the hugs and kisses my husband and my affair partner used to shower on me, I miss the sweet talks we used to have. How do I deal with it ? How do I get over this and give my husband time to recuperate from the news ? How to become emotionally strong and not have a complete breakdown ?

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I would start packing and get moved back ASAP. Additionally, I would open up your life completely to your husband so you CAN'T contact the OM. Give your husband access to your cellphone records, landline records, computer, everything.

It would also be helpful if your husband notified the OM's gf about your affair so she can watch from her end.

My concern is about your husband's emotional health since he is the victim here. How is he taking the bad news? How can you help him cope with this?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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What you do with this time could easily have a great impact on how your BH decides to move forward.

You can spend this time feeling sorry for yourself, your loneliness, your loss. You can choose to connect with your AP again, further betraying your BH who is already devastated. You can go for the easy, quick fix to serve your own selfish agenda.

Or you can invest this time on educating yourself on how to pay just compensation to your BH for this affair. You can start learning how to create the marriage of his dreams (and yours), and how to affair proof your marriage for the rest of your life. You can work on ways to better yourself.

The choice is yours.

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Also, I would get all of your contact information changed so the OM CAN'T contact you. Change your phone #s and email addresses. It will be your job to make sure he can't get ahold of you.

Will your husband come here so we can help him?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Please listen to the clips in here. What is Just Compensation?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by confusedwife39
...I miss the hugs and kisses my ... my affair partner used to shower on me, I miss the sweet talks we used to have. ...?
You miss kisses from someone of such character that he'd willfully sabotage the marriage of another man? That should make you want to throw up. When you think of your affair partner, think of his character, and that should make you think of vomit. Do you want vomit on your lips?

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Mentioning how much you miss affection from your POSOM is vile and offensive. Shame on you.

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You have to give notice at work today.


BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren

"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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Originally Posted by confusedwife39
To pack up my life in this town and go back, I will be taking around 15 days. These 15 days, I am completely alone. My husband needs some time, which is understandable and I want to respect his wishes, so I am giving him his space.

I would also encourage you to FIND A WAY to go to where your husband is. This is a very vulnerable time for him. It is very common for a betrayed spouse to have a revenge affair, and to have him alone and away from you for 15 days in the state of misery I am sure he is in, is just setting him up for this.

Stop thinking of yourself and your two weeks of loneliness, good grief. There are people on here who have had lonely marriages with no intimacy for decades, and have not chosen to have an affair. Start thinking of your betrayed spouse and your marriage.

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