Hello everybody.

Some old timers may remember me from a few years ago when I was on here working through the discovery/recovery from my affairs in 2009 and previous. I'll try to catch you all up in as little time as possible, but here is the readers digest condensed version:

D-Day: oct 15 2011 - began the process of unravelling my life of lies and constant seeking of validation outside my marriage including physical infidelity with two others - once with an escort and a 5 month affair with an ex girlfriend a year before D-day (summer '09).

Other background: We were married in 1999, had our first child in 2003 and we now have 4 kids 10/8/6/3. On D-day they were 7/5/3/6m.

Because of money situation mostly, and her own grace, she allowed me to stay in the home (I set up a nice little apartment in the garage) and I personally handled all the separation and divorce paperwork (A $0 divorce - it can be done!)

Filed: Nov 22, 2011
Final decree: August 2012

During the time of separation she met a guy on Christian Mingle. Chris. A cop who is the hottest guy she's ever met in person. Dimples, a cop, charming, amazing conversationalist - basically everything i'm not. He had no interest in a long term relationship, just in getting her to sleep with him. She got very physical with him but did not have sex. I am the only man she has ever had sex with. It didn't take long for his "pig-ness" to drive her back to me where she found the loving comfort of the man who loves her with all his heart. And oh by the way of course i was plan-A'ing the crap out of her, putting aside all needs and priorities in my life to be perfect for her.

Fast-forward, she dated me and asked me to be exclusive in Sept or so of 2012. We got engaged and this was all a blissful time. We even waited until we were married to have sex again! (We're both Christians) Well right before the wedding she discovered that i had been watching inappropriate videos and porn occasionally over that 4-6 month period fall to spring. And lied to her about it.

It was crushing to screw up like that and she almost called the wedding off, but because the honeymoon was paid for and everyone had plane tickets and I promised that this time I really got it that screwing up was bad but lying is intolerable, we went through with it. I should add that from D-day to the wedding I went from 300 pounds to 240 pounds. So I was looking the best i had in a long long time.

For the last year and a half she has struggled greatly with triggers and pain from what i did to her, and because of my low emotional intelligence and bad verbal communications skills I am not very good with her pain. (I'm a genius but I have ADD which means I'm impulsive and distracted and easily frustrated. I communicate in writing like nobody else buy in verbal i'm terrible) It created frequent pain episodes where we would get disconnected for days or weeks until I could do enough laundry, dishes, massages, and such to get her to love me again. Of course all this time I'm getting no emotional needs met because of my failures.

At one point last fall, she was in so much pain wanting to escape from it all, she contacted Chris again and told me she needed to "explore" her unfinished relationship with him. After maybe a week of that, he showed his true colors once again and she came back to me. She did not do anything physical with him. And yes, I absolutely believe her 100%. She has never lied to me and tells me exactly what's going on. She would probably love to be able to tell me she had sex with him to cause me even a glimpse of the pain she went through. But she is a very moral person and won't do that.

So on july 4th of this year I revealed to her that I had again been watching porn about once every week or two for the last 6 months. And lying about it. It was again devastating of course.

I know that lying to her is unacceptable - you don't have to tell me that. It is just so difficult to tell her i failed her in that way and make her angry and destroy any connection we have when we already spend half our time disconnected from the pain and triggers. I am seeing our therapist and my pastor to deal with my lying issues and lust issues respectively. i would absolutely never allow myself in a position to have another affair after going through what we went through and getting the second chance i didn't deserve.

So the last three months since July 4th we have been very up and down, had one good period in august or so and then it's been a lot of pain the last month. She started school the beginning of september and life is stressful and we get no time together and when we do it's full of triggers and pain. we can't even watch Grey's Anatomy without promos for "Scandal" and "Mistresses" every commercial break. And last thursday i handled some of her pain especially badly, and then friday she sees Chris at the doctor's office. she follows him outside and talks to him for 5 minutes. She starts texting. And so the last three days she has been furiously texting him, asking him to meet, sharing everything in her life with him that she would have shared with me (I get the one 5 word text he gets the 3 sentence text with emoticons.) She doesn't want him long term because she knows he's a pig and has broken up marriages and sleeps with a different girl every week. (He's hot and a cop and has a 10 inch thingy) but he shows interest in her, converses with her effortlessly, and fills her emotional need for physical attractiveness like nobody else ever has.

She tells me what she's doing, and tells me she knows it'll end the same way it always has but she's still trying to "teach" him to be what she wants. I asked her to stop and called it an emotional affair and she responded that she doesn't care and the pain i'm having is a millionth of what i caused her and she enjoys his company - a relationship that doesn't have any pain in it. Even if he's not what she wants.

Of course i'm terrified the POS will actually learn this time because she is a gorgeous, smart, funny, amazing woman and if you get to know her you love her. If this goes on too much longer he's going to get to know her and love her. And of course the longer it goes on the more emotional needs are met those feelings will develop, despite what she is telling herself.

I haven't helped myself by freaking out and going crazy a few times (blocked his number from her phone, threatened to walk out last night unless she ended it... she just told me she'd stop it until she filed for divorce on wednesday. I came back because I don't want her to file. all i can do is plan A her.

Good Lord, help me please. I'm in a living hell seeing the kinds of things they say to each other. She told him last night she missed him. (She saw him on her way to school and texted him all day)

...

I am incredibly saddened for your children. What a mess this is.

Sir,

I suppose you could be a walking example of karma.

Go back to the playbook: Surviving an Affair.
Read the book and proceed on Dr. Harley's methods.

I don't think you will get much help here on Plan A'ing your W.

We don't like to help serial cheating WSs win back their BSs when they don't have any intention on actually implementing MB, and setting up a lifestyle where a SSL and cheating are impossible.

I'm devastated. After the hell we both went through to have another chance at life together I can't get it together enough to be what she needs me to be. And the children kinda know what's going on because in my impulsiveness I've said things about her affair loud enough for them to hear.

Sir, you did not follow Dr. Harley's methods and institute Extraordinary Precautions. If you had done so, you would not be here

I apologize i don't know what SSL is - it's not in the abbreviation thread

Do you have Surviving an Affair book?

SSL means Secret Second Life

Yes I know I dropped the ball on that. That's why I'm back here.

Where in MB does it say that a serial cheating spouse who is addicted to their SSL and porn should see a therapist and pastor?

I can see you have not learned much in your years here and have only used the forum to win back your W.

You are not serious about changing.

Your W should RUN.

Why didnt you and your wife, both exposed to Dr. Harley's methods and success stories posted on the forum, follow his methods?
Is it because you both enjoy your independent lifestyles?

Yes i have that and the emotional needs one and the love busters one

i just let it all go by the wayside because life gets so busy... so many things pulling me in every direction we just go back to our old habits. Ugh. i absolutely take 100% responsibility for what's going on.

Again, that's why I'm back here. I am serious.

Yes we know. Porn and a SSL is VERY time consuming, as are cops with 10 inch thingies.

You are not even close to taking this seriously.

I did this to her. she expects me to do everything to fix it.

Watching porn took about 15 minutes every two weeks. It was awful for me to do, but it wasn't time consuming. I'm talking about working full time, 4 kids, maintaining a house with a yard and pool myself, fixing our cars myself, dealing with intense money struggles, and trying to have a marriage on top of all that. and then the last month, her being gone all day every day and studying all night so our undivided attention is about 3 hours a week.

I promise you I am taking this seriously. I haven't been taking it seriously enough the last year and a half - and i know that. I just wish it hadn't taken me screwing it up this badly to bring me to this place.

Your only hope is to follow the steps in Surviving an Affair exactly as written by Dr. Harley.