The affair is over because SHE ended it. She sent him a txt msg and also to me and her husband. Telling him that she was done, to respect her decision to end the affair and not contact her again. YES, I read the book. I also know that while the affair was a big part of the downfall of this marriage, OTHER things need to change. You guys don't have a clue the things I have done, unknowingly but no less hurtful that have caused this situation to spiral the way it has. He has done hurtful things too, aside of the affair but I cannot change or control how he deals with this all. I can change and control what I do. I am getting myself healed, he can decide if he wants to join me when he is ready. THEN we can talk about EP's and POJA and Love busters and meeting emotional needs. If he never decides to join me, well, at least I know I can live with myself because as it is right now, I have not liked myself in years anyway, I have not been happy. I can't give to anyone else what I don't have, so I will learn to forgive myself, love myself and be happy with myself. I will pray that he chooses to do the same for himself and that we can meet somewhere in between and recover from it all.

Susie,

The OW husband probably was standing over her shoulder as she sent the text message.
That is why Extraordinary Precautions are needed.

You should still ask him to write the NC letter that was posted to you earlier and mail it.

You will need to move out of the area if you want to recover your marriage.

I caution against your approach of "working on yourself." What you need to do is follow the program in Surviving an Affair and spend 20 hours a week together.

Can you do that?

I can't tell you whether he was or not but what difference would it make if I stood over my husband's shoulder and made him write that letter, if he doesn't really mean it or want to write it? The OW and husband are working on moving (her husband told me, he has put in a request at work). She has since changed cellphone number. She is giving him an account of her time and the money spent. She is ready to work on her marriage, they are taking the EP's. What other proof do I need from her?

Jedi, I cannot do what you are advising because it takes 2 and he is not there yet. My approach to force things has not worked in my favor, he has met me with resistance every step. What I can do is work on my issues that I know I have, not for him, not for this marriage but for myself. I need to find my peace to be able to give that peace. When/if he chooses to join me, then I can ask he writes the NC letter and take all the other EP's, and work on spending those 20hrs together, not a minute before. That is why I finally have moved to Plan B, we were not seeing eye to eye. I am giving him space. He did not ask for it, I told him to go. I needed my space.

The affair has to end by one of them putting a stop, she did. The rest of the plan takes HIM to be receptive and agree to work on recovery until he can WILLINGLY meet me there it is useless to try to force it. I am not giving up on my marriage, just yet, though.

susie,

It sounds like OW husband is actually following Dr. Harley's program

Susie,

I fully support you being in Plan B.
I want to make sure you fully understand Plan B.
Have you written a Plan B letter?
Do you have an IM?

I have not written the letter. I am working on it. I want to be able to write a letter that truly comes from my heart and not from my resentment. Plan B is to break all contact with WS. And to protect myself from the negativity. I figured, it is a good time to work on finding my peace and working on forgive myself for the things I have done. I have a friend that is going to filter communication. I have even blocked him from my cell, so I will not see any msgs or calls from him. We need to figure out visitation with the kids.

I bought them the book and mailed it to them. So perhaps that is what they are doing. Her Husband texted me about all they are doing.

And this should tell you that he is not remotely serious about recovery. Not trusting your spouse is not a sign of abuse on YOUR PART,it is a sign of untrustworthiness on HIS PART. He is untrustworthy. So you should explain to him that you do not trust him because he is untrustworthy. Trsut is EARNED, it is not an entitlement for wayward spouses.

Calling YOU 'controlling" for not trusting an untrustworthy person is a form of gas lighting that we typically see from way wards.


I seriously doubt that. Your biggest problem is your marriage and going off to "fix" yourselves is a needless distraction.


What do you mean when you say you are in "Plan B?" You have an IM? Have you sent him a letter? What has been done?

Let me give you an example. In a healthy marriage when one spouse does not trust the other, the solution is to create an environment where trust can be achieved. In a sick, dysfunctional marriage, that complaint is met with accusations of "insecurity," etc, which makes the problem WORSE and destroys the marriage. That is what seems to have happened in your case. You seem to believe there is something wrong with YOU because you don't trust your husband. But you would trust him if he behaved in a trustworthy manner.

Trust is EARNED. It is not an entitlement.

[color:#000099][/color] Yes I have an IM. I am working on the letter. I want it to come from my heart and not filled with anger and resentment. I have changed the locks and I have blocked him from my cellphone.

Hopefully you understand it is not abusive at all now. A lack of trust is an emotional reaction to untrustworthy people who have not EARNED your trust. Anyone who says that is "abusive" is silly.


i would put those "issues" aside for now because you have bigger fish to fry. Working on your issues will be a distraction from your marriage problems.

Please use the format letter in Surviving an Affair and post it here so we can give you feedback.

I just got a call from my IM, my WH called her and asked her what he needed to do to be able to come back home and work on our marriage. I told her I'd get back to her about it.

#1 for me is, he eliminates his angry outbursts/ mind games and threats of "I'm leaving"
#2 write the NC letter?
#3 agree to follow the EP's?

What are your EP's?

First....don't get your hopes up.

Tell IM that he knows what he must do.
There must be no further contact with OW and he would need to agree to extraordinary precautions to protect the marriage and children from further harm.

If he is up to seriously attempting to return to rebuild, he must show it in word and deed.



Then, if it seems he is willing to do the difficult work needed, you and he ought to get guidance from the Surviving An Affair book on how to rebuild. He will need to write a no contact letter to OW and lots more.

Again, he may not be ready to recover the marriage at this juncture. Do not feel too disheartened if he switches gears yet again and isn't willing.

A firm, strong woman is most attractive. Whether he wins you back or blows it, that is a fact.

Block potential communication with the OW (change e-mail address, give me complete access to all social networking accounts; allow me to monitor voice messages and e-mail).

Account for time (I will call a few times a day and he should call me when he is on his way home, if there is traffic issues, etc. he should be willing to tell me where he is and who he is with at all times). I will be using a GPS phone tracker, so his phone must be on at all times.

Account for money (He should give me a copy of his work hours and let me see his pay stub, let me know what he has spent money on)

Spend leisure time together.

Avoid overnight separation.

Here are the EP's

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

I am not getting my hopes up yet. He wants to know what else, he needs to do since the affair has ended and there is No contact with OW. This is a fact as her husband has taken EP, including a text from her telling my husband that she is working on her marriage and to no contact her again. They are moving and she has changed cell phones, has a gps in her truck and is giving him 24 hr account of her whereabouts, etc. I figured the list from the book but was wondering if anything else.


Some of these things have already been done, like the revealing about the affair and exposing. And I figured, the rest of the list would be part of the conditions to allow him to come back along with the end of the threats and mind games... So basically, should I send her this list, so she can give it to him?

Yes, send your IM this list.

I sent the list in an email that she forwarded to him. He responded, that he is willing to do all of it, including moving if we HAVE to or if I want to. That he wants his family back. He told her he has an appointment for individual counseling on Wednesday and is also willing to go to marriage counseling, that I did not mention. I still didn't tell her to tell him he can come back.

Do you think I should let him come back? How do I know it is not a ploy to get back in the house?