The purpose of this thread is to post quotes/ Radio Show broadcasts from DR. Harley regarding the question: Should issues of the past, such as childhood trauma, be examined in therapy as treatment for an affair or other marital issues?

That is like talking about the price of tea in China when the Titanic is sinking. It is a needless distraction.

Yea, I know.
I thought it would help to have these quotes handy for sharing with newcomers

That is a great set of quotes - I know I'm always looking for the one that starts out "An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary"

Thank you for posting this!

I've noticed a lot of people who have affairs blame their past, making it the scapegoat for poor behaviors. I'm glad Dr. H acknowledges the other side of this, because the only thing we can blame is ourselves, not a figment of the past (that may or may not be accurate!).

I want to add a little comment about the past.....


I am in complete agreement regarding the past in terms of letting it go and not making it one more excuse for an affair or to hurt your loved ones.

Here's my dilemma if you dont mind me indulging here:

I am 58. Female. Moved away from family of origin 35 years ago! It's been work but I ve shed the lost child role assigned to me for survival in the FOO.

Trouble is FOO did not get the memo. The rest of my siblings are male all living in the same geographic area. Parents always old world over sex roles. Siblings still entrenched in roles.

It's shocking and toxic to go visit "home" Siblings and surviving parent act bewildered and hostile towards me for being myself and expecting to be treated with respect. Mostly the abuses are about all the so called good reasons I'm mandated to be yet invisible and unequal as a human being. Also the burden to maintain the relationship is entirely on me. For example at Christmas holiday I won't be acknowledged, it will be up to me to send gifts, cards,make calls. No reciprocity. The lame claim is I was the one to move away.

These days I find it toxic to stay with family members in their homes. My mother happens to have a life long pattern of raging. It's gotten worse since my father died last year. She excuses herself due to the grief. She'll blow up over any simple benign comment. Yet she spends all day doing volunteer work being very gracious to poor and volunteer friends!

As you can see I've experienced some pretty harsh outcomes due to this old view of who I am. Given I married my husband 35 years ago the so called lost child was factored into our relationship too.

It's taken significant effort to be less independent oriented and develop a interdependent relationship. It's a daily effort to remind ourselves of this. The effort has been worth it. We have built a romantic connection.

I've decided to not visit my FOO for anything other than an emergency. Even then I'll stay in a hotel. But this weekend my mother is visiting. Things usually go better if she is not in her own home base. I figure this could be our last meeting.

graceful, I have a very toxic mother too. She likes to remind me often that I am stupid and worthless and enjoyed making demeaning remarks to me on Facebook. [I asked her to stop and she commented "aren't you taking yourself a little too seriously?"] I have pretty much cut her out of my life and have as little as possible to do with her. My life is so much better without her in it! That would be my suggestion.

If I treated my son as badly as my mother treats me, I certainly would expect him to cut me out too.

p.s. I will not invite my mother to my home. She is not welcome here.

Thanks ML. I seriously woke up to what I have been dealing with for years after husbands EA and hanging out here. It made me stronger in more aspects of my life than my marriage. Its also made it difficult to be forthcoming to FOO regarding my own 'real' life and needs.

I've read about mothers whom are classified as malignant and they tend to mainly target oldest daughters. I really woke up to how vicious she was when my Dad died. I can't imagine treating my children as she did me in the face of the parental loss.

Its after this loss I've come to terms with better boundaries. This upcoming visit will help me know how far I can extend myself to my mother at this point in her life or let her go as you have decided.

I've had very similar experiences. I've made the resolution that people in my life have to treat me respectfully or I simply don't deal with them any more, no matter who they are. Since then, many of those people have become much nicer! Others are gone for good (unless they change).

People who want to deal with me have to do so on my terms. Strangely enough I can remember years ago people having conflicts in my family hurling that like it's an accusation or a bad thing: "You just only want to have a relationship on your terms!" Well, what in the world is wrong with that? When two people have a relationship on terms that are agreeable to both, it's a good relationship - that's how it's supposed to be.

I think the best thing about this site is you are educated to dump the notion of unconditional love.

From then on, well, people have to earn their place with you.

I actually have a really good relationship with my father but I don't like his temper. Too much like mine for safety!

I asked him to stop displaying anger and said if he didn't I would be leaving his company at the first sign. He stopped cold.

The old me would have said you shouldn't try to change people; You don't though, they choose for themselves.

Yep - you don't knock yourself out trying to get people to change. You just protect yourself.

Love your statements! Hardest thing about this work after letting go of unconditional love is that people around us don't see it---they're still living in the old way with old views.

I did that with my middle child - a fiery redhead with a temper to match. She would yell at me and I let her, believing that she was 'letting it out' safely with me rather than losing her friends by yelling at them. My bad.

I told her last year not to yell at me. I should have done it years ago. She stopped cold, just like your father. Now we are best friends.

Boundaries are good.

Oh they are indeed. One of the many things I have learned over the last 6 years :-)

A good chunk of the time with my mother's little visit went well. It's not like I can speak from my heart however. It's all about walking on eggshells and picking your battles. And it isn't even like I am playing war. Basically I am purposely avoiding saying what I think or feel about anything. Why? I don't want to be subject to verbal abuse. Even discussing the good things in my life I am vague about. It's worrisome to expose a vulnerability. It's like I have learned to be tactical. I know anything can be used against me.

Finally I had to face the music. While my husband was in the same room I brought up the beach house I'd purchased with my brother and his wife last year. We had all formed a legal partnership and bought the home from our parents. Unfortunately before we even began to enjoy ownership as equals my sister in law began a track of making independent decisions and making major changes to the home without consent. We'd had a gracious agreement verbally she would stop. But that did not happen. We live 700 miles away and can't easily access.

I used Dr Harley negotiation format as a suggestion resolve and move forward in making decisions as partners. They claimed they did not want a partnership where they would need to check with us. They felt I was trying to control them and said some nasty things. We felt rejected. I'd always felt my brother would have my back.

Anyway they bought us out recently. But I was concerned to take care of the legal paperwork and end our side of the partnership. I was not sure if the deed to the home was in my parents name or our partnership. I just wanted to ask my mom about it so I would not have to pay a title search. Attorney is asking me.

Of course even the benign way I asked went foul. Very dramatic, verbally abusive, and so on. What was interesting and should not surprise me was SHE took over my side of partnership with my brother. My brother did not have to take over my payments.

They can have each other.