Jeff,I'm sorry you find yourself in this painful situation. Your marriage never recovered from her first affair. If it had recovered properly, she would have written the OM a No Contact letter and made it impossible for any further contact to occur. When the A is with someone in the vicinity, Dr. Harley strongly recommends that the couple move away. Many people claim they can't, but the ones who make the effort find that it's easier to achieve recovery.
MB isn't about 180 at all. Basically, it's Plan A and Plan B. Dr. Harley recommends that a man do a good strong Plan A for about 6 months, or for as long as his health can handle the stress.
An important part of Plan A is exposure. Have you re-exposed the ongoing affair to the OMW? Have you told everyone in your lives about your wife's affair with this man? Have you told this OM to leave your wife alone and that you plan to move heaven and earth to keep her and that you love her?
Plan A is about being a really great husband and father, not punishing your wife, no love busters. Don't cry and plead with her; be pleasant and calm. Always look good and smell nice; maintain your health. If you are having problems with depression or controlling your emotions, see a doctor for ADs. They can help you immensely with a minimum of side effects.
So you have your children and live in the family home? Please work hard to keep it that way. Have you seen a lawyer to find out about your legal rights?
If you truly want to save your marriage, don't back off showing your wife that you care about her. Do a strong and wide exposure. Have you read through the threads at the top of the SAA forum? Please read the threads on Exposure
Exposure 101 and on Plan A.
What are Plans A & B