Lots of history but Ill make it short and add more in morning

43, H is 46, he joined Twitter and met a woman who I didnt know anything about until intercepting 1) overheard blocked 1am call to her, 2) repeated calls to this # for a minth often 50-60 min long at which point I confronted mid Sept and got the ILYBINILWY and I want out speech which led to a 1 week separation where he 3) texted "good morning to the most beautiful woman in the world...miss me? Sleep well?".

This rocked my world and Im still not over it. He says it was a mistake but wont end contact. I want to forgive but not sure how when there is no transparency and he insists there never will be since hes not a prisoner. I love him, I dont want him thinking this but I cant trust whats going on either...its a quandry

She is out of state and replied to this text sent last day of our trial seperation a few days ldshis work phone which happened to beep as I was picking him up from surgery! Id never really used Twitter before but then found tons of interaction with her extremely sexually forward profile. He says she kniws he is married. btw I am a size 2 and a former model, 112#. We have great sex and Im even still admittedly to him, very beautiful blond. Ow id a skankier version of me with bigger boobs and a listening ear apparently. Also, he is recently Heathen and Im Christian/LDS, causing serious schisms.

I didnt have time to call her and confront and didnt know this website. He threatens to end marriage and did threaten day of discovery 1 month ago, if I call her or Twitter her for fear of upsetting his friend for "no reason". Its been a month, I am a Sahw recently just before this to help our marriage as in his defense, I was working 60hr workweeks.

He texted her yet again in front of me at a "date" Id set up for us, causing me to become upset and he said again he isnt sure he wants to stay married due to stuff like this, because he " is entitled to his privacy" and Im making drama where there is none because they are just friends and he hasnt slept with her. I had a breakdown and stated I cant live with her as his constant friend because of the text I intercepted shes never going to be a safe friend IMHO. He is dsbating he says if the marriage should end since I insist on full transparency and NC with this woman. He does flirt a LOT also IMHO on Twitter and says im insecure because before this woman it was sveral others I didnt like (this is true...we had a hiccup in 09 with an email signed Love, X..counselor told him it was inappropriate but because he says Im awful to live with and too suspicious, Im disregarding advice given me so he can disregard too...*Sigh*)

I ended the convo to ask what could I bring to the marriage to end this EA and hopefully eventually the Tweetheart issue and hes not sue and will get back with me. I am willing to forgive and move on and work on the marriage but I cant just deal with this friend, and Ive tried for a month. He says of course the M was pretty over before the friend and constant twittering. Rocky yes but he didnt mdntion leaving til I confronted with evidence. Now it all sucked for years.

Im willing to save the marriage but I dont think this friendship, and 1-2 others, have been appropriate. If hes not sleeping with them, am I wrong to find this an emotional affair? Im trying to Plan A but I canf get more than 4 days or so and he DELIBERATELY answers her tweets or texts right in front of me, sending me in a fit immediately after. I cant ignore it..I try SO HARD but it makes me cry.. Should I try to do plan A? What do I do? Im unemployed, empty nester, 16yrs together, 12 married each having our own kid from our first marriages.

Welcome to MB and I'm sorry for your pain.

Your WH will have to make some changes with his boundaries and OS relationships.

How long have you been married? Any kids?

Is any of the OW married?

What spyware do you have on his devices?

Have you read all of this? Start Here First-SAA

Thank you 2 replies give me hope after no sleep for 5hrs. Were supposed to have lunch near his work today which I hope to be pleasant. Ive lost 6lbs in 4 weeks, not good.

No kids between us, I couldnt have more with lupus. Have a DD in college on campus 15mi away who is 19 1/2. His son turns 21 in a few weeks on his bday.

Boundaries are VERY much the problem. I dont think hes been physically unfaithful (he had a. vascectomy anyway so no condom uss..Im considering getting tested as my daughter thinks that would be a good idea since I have lupus) ; whats killing my soul is the constant need for female internet friends. He says he doesnt talk to thdm about the marriage or me but just how much can you grouse in a day about the same stuff you tell your wife? He calls me his best friend but until a few recent arguments didnt want to call me wife, says best friend is a higher position. Doesnt require a piece of paper which is all he says marriage is if his or my heart isnt in it since he says weve both changed so much in 16yrs.

To be fair, at the time this last "friend" heated up, I was working crazy hours at a high paying job to fund a biz I have started and for him to get both a truck and a Harley in cash. So I feel super betrayed I worked so hard despite my health to help those things only to be rewarded with him going elsewhere to [censored] about his life issues (he hates his job and is 3yrs from retirement pension of 20) becuase I was too tired with my health and job to do much to listen. I should also add I am a local media personality part time ..the biz I started is media production..and so a divorce would be probably devastating more to me than him even if the reason was made clear since I do a lot of church events too. You sde my problem

As to exposure, I got nothing but the one text and phone records. Cant keylog hes using the work phone to call after I confronted on cell. He passworded his cell and never leaves it ever.

Texts are via Twitter DMs which vanish or likely Snapchat he just installed. He was asked to show phone and dms but refuses. Itx becoming a dealbreaker for me and I love him.

He swears its not but I keep coming back to MLC. He joined my church few years ago but became inactive, now says he joi ed just to shut me up. Went and got a tattoo devoted to his new god and identifies now as a Heathen (they follow Tyr, Odin etc) Though traumatic for me Ive tried to see the positive since they believe in Troth and Loyalty but im told thats voluntary and not a vow no matter what, which is how I see marriage. So we have a baseline difference and no common God to refer to guide us out of this mess. He is into heavy metal, though he always liked that secretly...ill admit, im not a fan though Im trying to be more respectful..lots of DJs from me to be truthful..and since getting the Harley as a newer bike, is 100% into the biker culture. the DILLAGAF kind not the kind old man Shriner kind. Sons of Anarchy his fav show. Im LDS so Im struggling mightily my bishop had no advice to help save the marriage which I want

the lifestyle issues are important because "friend" & various tweet hearts/female followers are ALL into heavy metal, biker culture, tattoos, screw the police, angsty teenage rantings IMHO. Im the Establishment the rant against. So its hard to not take it as a total rejection of me and my values and the arguments/Love Busters and DJs on my side erupt despite my best efforts to keep it in. I respect my husband but I see this as.a dark path and one that. 17yr old would find themself on not a middle aged executive with a beautiful wife, home and 3 squares a day. So which came first, the MLC, my not being what he wants (he says he respects my faith but throws in my face guess youre just a better perso. Than me, im an @sshole whenever he loses his temper and knows hes wrong), or the EA?

I suspect he calls her on the landline at work. I dont have enough to confront work phone and without a job, he cant stay anyway because im not up for or able to support a man. Im putting up now solely to try a Plan A and keep the rent paid but if I get much sicker, it wont matter much longer anyway.

exposure is nigh impossible, his father is dead, his mother is estranged and he has no in person, non twitter friends really. His male best friend kniws and weve discussed and he told me theres nothing he can do to help. He is aldo divorced and hates women anyway. So no exposure because theres no friends or living famiky, he is a lone wolf

weird with no one else c, ose and just me as his lifelong "best friend" & wife, why hed be willing to risk leaving me and havung no one at ALL except his twitter friends and this OW. She has a boyfriend but has about a dozen other tweetheart type friends active on her profile. All his friends are always single and very sexually forward. Which is weird given that aspect of things is prob the only good part of our marriage right now

thoughts? Ive been weighing just toleratung this if he pays the bills but I think the EA is deepening else hed not be so defensive to keep it and let me go over the privacy issue. He offered to read the text to me last night she sdnt about laundry (you seriously had to answer that on my date in front of me??) Buf when I said ok, let me just see that to confirm its the true text he pulled away and said no. Then said he wasnt interested in intimacy now for the night, which I wasnt by then either, amd he has a high drive.

this morning he was kind again lime nothing happened. Lunch no clue if a convo will take place. Do I go plan A? Ive decided to cancel marriage counseling til I get more feedback here after what ive read

Thanks for ANY help im so very alone

Also to add, yes Ive read the basic concepts. I even sent him links to love bank ideas etc. He always says either its too little too late, or that hes not sure he loves me like I love him. If pushed I suspect hell leave and live in same re tal apt he was in our week apart. Instead of working on marriage that week and missing me, he straight up said he watched TV, ate out and I learned, called OW nightly while I was crying my eyes out and actually went to hospital once for anxiety attack. I struggled with all the chores, he enjoyed the quiet and didnt reflect at all of appear to miss me. Says tne drama odf rehashing that text is preventing reconciliation but he is not sorry at all and I cant move forward kniwing tneyre still friends and he does this deliberately in front of me just as things calm dowm. Its like hes baiting me to get upset

I was recently diagnosed with GAD (on meds) & Im struggling with anorexia as he hates fat chicks. My bmi is 16 with a D cup so im not fat but I think subconsciously im trying to meet an impossible standard. Ironically, hes very overweight and people assume theres about 10 to 12 yrs diff between us not 2.

I dont want to become a skanky biker chic, type to savee my marriage, but how do I not love bust on behaviors I find immature at best, destructive at worst?

Are you married?

Um yes for 12 years now to him

Can you hire a PI? I agree with your DD19 that you should get tested for STDs.

So you don't have any children together, correct?

What happened in his first marriage? Your first marriage?

123blueroses, what you should do is separate from him and go into Plan B. He is having at the very least an emotional affair. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? Plan B is outlined in that book.

Here is a thread that will give you an idea of how it works: here

Your H has very poor boundaries and is having an affair. His affair is the result of sloppy boundaries rather than the result of MLC.

You will need to snoop very quietly and obtain information that would convince a jury. The fastest way to get the info is to hire a PI. Otherwise, look at the Operation Investigate forum for ideas on keyloggers, VARs, and other methods posters have used to get the hard evidence of an affair.

Are you on any ADs? They would probably really help you right now.

Affairs create a great deal of chaos in the betrayed spouse. MB has a plan to kill the affair and for recovery of the marriage, should the betrayed spouse want to save the marriage.

The MB Plan:

1. Gather (quietly) your evidence
2. Exposure
3. Plan A (no longer than 3 weeks for a woman)
4. Plan B (No contact while affair is ongoing and/or if H is unwilling to follow the steps of recovery.

You desperately need to separate from him and cut off ALL contact before he destroys your health. This will get worse if you don't. If you cut him off completely, you will start to feel better in a few weeks.

Blueroses, can you ask him to move out today? We can help you formulate your Plan B.

You sound like a cute, capable girl who can pay your own bills if need be. Why would you even consider tolerating this disrespectful and painful behavior??? He is basically trolling for women and carrying on an A with this particular woman right in front of your very eyes.

The book you need to read is Surviving an Affair.

Your WH has VERY poor boundaries, and he seems to be actively looking for women to engage with. He is currently in an EA (likely a PA) and with his attitude and behavior I would bet money it is not his first. Likewise, if you do not draw a line in the sand and require him to 1) end his A and 2) follow EP's/set boundaries that protect your marriage, you will be looking at more A's in the future.

UPDATE: D Day this afternoon 1pm

I confronted with all evidence finally at lunch. Offered I am willing to work on ANY marriage issues/love busters to save marriage if he ends EA no contact, starts counseling with a LB counselor and gives transparency 100%. He replied this is an ultimatum huh, her or you? I said no, but with MY BOUNDARIES I insist on respect for, you will have to remove her to honor them.

he refused so I took him back to work and told him to pack his [censored]. I immediately finally CALLED OW to confront...voicemail. tried Twitter before hed even had time to call her I could see him, I HAVE BEEN BLOCKED BY HER PREVIOUSLY!! So I did get off one text telling her he decided to live alone and she is welcome to spend xmas with him as he is moving out. Also disclosong I know the inappropriate friendship and I hope she can live with herself being a homewrecker who ruined a supposed friends marriage. Some friend!

Spent the day getting attorney info, cleaned half the bank to give hubby half ($300 I prepaid all bils beforehand so I have a 30 day cushion), got the gun out of the house to a bishop from church who checked on me tonight by phone. I refuse to leave my home (bought before he came, on section 8) or my 7 cats.

Fast forward he comes home, sees his [censored] in bags and argues so this is it? I said yes im done. I tell him he has to leave tonight, or at very least tomorrow morning when I can drive him to apt to rent. He has no credit ...long story, ex wife but I did keep things in my name out of fear too. He then threatens to cut direct deposit I said fine, you , eave tonight then. Ill deal, 2 people offered loans for the mortgage. Im going back to temping and running my biz, 80hrs a week working still better than this hell.

he then tells me (not knowing text I sent OW...im sure ill hear about that once discovered...) its not all her, he told her he was still seperated even though he only left home for a week the week he sent the text. Says he didnt think id take him back so told her this...and never corrected it! This is why the texts and wont show info.

I said fine, shes not a friend, he still swears he loves me but wants to just talk to her. I told him he can talk all he wants from his apt while we wait out our 6 mos separation but I wont be in the picture. He cant cake eat, have a freakin merry xmas. I called or texted several who know him, all were shocked. Disclosure done but privately, nothing messy. Told ex I may need help, he will check on me

So folks I FAILED PLAN A MISERABLY AFTER 4 WEEKS OF TRYING TO BE AWESOME, SO NOW ITS PLAN B. He DID admit he loved the new me but doubted it would last and this was proof he was righ, blah blah. I told him it was only due to OW and lack of transparency and we will revisit after he moves out after fhe holidays if I want to date him or not. Neither wil date anyone else and im getting tested for STD just to be sure.

I elected not to tell his boss on advice of a lawyer nor do anything negative, was told by both atty and bishop take high road

advice? Her blocking me on Twitter all along...unbelievable! Why do that if youre a friend to his wife?

my church family has been a Godsend. I am praying for my marriage but preparing to go dark at move out

BTW my first marriage ended due to ex commiting PA with baby my daughter learned about. I met 2nd hubby during separation with legal dating, were friends and married 4 years later. His ex he says committed adultery but she alleged abuse, I truly do not know the truth only that it was bloody and acrimonious and they hate each other.

he agreed separation was best after I said I would not tolerate EA. he swears friends only on his sons life but I cannot abide that kind of "friend" even if I must tough love him and leave. Im upset and scared but I feel just a *SLIVER* of my self respect back and thats empowering. I hope its not too late to save him amd the marriage but I must save myself now if anything is to be left for him to go back to.

he did break down saying he doesnt want a divorce, its MY ultimatum forcing it but I am sticking to Plan B.

I onky hope he saw enough Plan A wife and 16yrs of memories to miss me but I fear not...I will pray im wrong but I think hell love freedom even with a lonely holiday ahead. This was my only option left.

I did. Plan B advice? I utterly sucked at Plan A...I couldnt keep it together with her texting and him answering in front of me. He offered to stop the around me stuff but I said u want your freedom now you can text her whenever. Even though shes in OH 6 states away, I couldnt handle it. This will at least prevent more outbursts from me. He said he had to keep up the seperated thing so she didnt know we were together or something. Well trust me she does now. If he doesnt change shes welcome to him. Im gonna cry but I gotta be strong I need my health and my self respect. Ill find a way to make it either outcome

Do you have the book SAA?

Dr. Harley advises BW to go into Plan B after 3 weeks so you did the right thing.

Who all did you expose to? Did you contact OW's BF?

Do you have an IM? Have you blocked him from being able to contact you?

When you remain in plan B, you will see your health improve. As time goes on, you'll understand the selfishness and disrespect he's been inflicting on you. He has no boundaries because of this. He doesn't care you are suffering, even though this is the person that is suppose to protect you from harm. The sooner you see him for the man he really is, the more you will know you are making the right decision. We're here to help you through it.