Yep, if you want to do that, do it right: get a divorce. You can get one quickly most of the time. It will be much less traumatic for all concerned.

BUT, truly, if you are letting someone make deposits, then you are not thinking straight and can't make a good decision on this. Your children need you to be thinking straight - their mother has already gotten herself a heroin addiction (affair). It is best if their father also does not become addicted to someone else right now.

Yup and having a RA will come back and haunt you.

Also, after you come out of your own fog you're going to regret it.

Moving out is a way to have another EA. Let's call it like it is. You had an EA. You enjoyed someone else meeting your ENs and you want to "check out your options" and rationalize it because of your WW's affair.

Isn't your wife worth it TX? Do you want to be able to face your children knowing you did everything you could? Do you want to be on your death bed wondering "What if?"

As bad as it sounds I just don't feel like my WW is worth living unhappily the rest of my life.

Ever since I found out I haven't been happy when I'm around her,

Honestly, no. I did have a person I spoke to alot for like 2 1/2 weeks. I found out she was engaged and I told her it was best for us not to speak because I would not do that to another man. I think he found out right around the same time and we have cut off all communication.

That is one of the problems, I don't know that I want to cutoff my LB from other people anymore. I did that for 10 1/2 years and as much as other women tried I never let them in and WW did it emotionally once about 5 years ago and then did it again this year but this time it was EA that led to physical and everything imaginable.

We all agree. Who in the world is advocating that you live unhappily with your wife the rest of your life?


Oh, I see, you stopped at the "fight the affair" step and never learned there was a marriage recovery program here?

Who is this OW? How did you meet her? Does she work with you?

I was trying to work things out initially. I tried to get WW to read "Surviving an Affair", read the articles on this website, complete the EN questionairre and LB survey but she did neither. The book is still where I put it in her bedroom, the EN Q has 1 page filled out, the LB's one is blank and she didn't ever agree to Dr. Harley's program. The resentment built up that instead of slowly feeling better about the A, I started feeling worse and worse until it was just too much and it sent me over the cliff.

I wanted to work things out but the insult added to the injury was too much for me to put aside. After all the pain, embarrassment, shame, etc; I then had to put up with her entitlement, attitude and her attempting to dictate terms? No, it became too much.

I understand I did post I met someone else and spoke to them but then cutoff all communication. Thats the problem is I am at the point that I don't want the relationship anymore. I don't want to sneak around, I don't want to lie and I haven't. I have been totally honest with WW about my actions, communication with other women and my intentions. I don't feel the connection or love for a partner as I did before. I don't know how to fix it and I don't think its possible to fix at this point anymore; I just don't feel the same.

What else can I do? I don't want to be in a relationship and have a wandering eye and I don't want to bring the pain I felt to WW. Everybody knows themselves and I know at this point I can't move on in a relationship, its hurt my feelings, pride and me too much. I can't justify what WW did after all we've been through (if you're not familiar with my entire story please read opening posts), the trust will never be there again and the commitment to her will never be there again.

So I need some help.

An quick update on what has happened in my situation. My WW ended all communication with OM and the A is over. She closed all social media with the exception of instagram and pinterest. She has GPS on her phone so I can track her location at all times and I have access to her work email.

The issue at hand is I still don't trust her. She has an iphone and if she turns on iMessage the text messages do not show up on the cell phone bill. I have asked it be turned off and she complied and only turns it on when she is around me so she can text her family. The problem is I am not 100% sure she doesn't turn it on other times and after everything that has happened the doubt is a huge LB for me. 2 weeks ago we went on vacation to visit her sister 26 hours away. We drove so we could take our kids because flights would be too expensive. I have built up the habit of checking her text logs to make sure nothing stands out to me. I noticed a number I did not recognize so I investigated and the messages were not in her phone. There were about 40 messages total (20 from each party).

I asked my wife about it and she said she didn't delete and didn't know who the number was. She lied about this and confessed to lying. She told me who the message was and it was a person she dated over 10 years ago. She said he text her on the road as we were driving back from vacation and she said she was texting small things back and forth just making conversation because she didn't know who it was and was just making conversation to not be rude. She then asked who it was and he identified himself and she claims she stopped texting.

She claims she didn't want to fight and was afraid to fight and she panicked and deleted the messages. She claims she was trying to figure out how to tell me so we didn't fight. Now, I have huge resentment issues. My wife is the only person I've ever had sex with and the A has been impossible for me to let go of resentment over. I have never cheated on wife during our relationship and I can't get over the fact that she is the only person I've ever been with and will only ever be with if I continue this marriage. I also am fed up with her making mistakes and me constantly staying in the marriage despite them. I feel like a complete moron and I have lost all my self respect and I don't know how to let it go.

First of all, my WW doesn't seem to have any common sense and is very nieve. I guess my question is when do I finally move and give up because she doesn't seem to learn to think about consequences of her actions. I have been miserable since DDay back in may of last year and my resentment has taken over. I would cheat on my wife just to spite her honestly and I don't want to be this person or feel this way any more. I have no clue what to do.

WW now says she is willing to do everything, give cell up phone all together, cancel the instagram, pinterest but I just feel zero love as a wife. I care for her well being dearly as she has been my best friend for the last decade but I don't want to be in the marriage any more becuase I feel like such a fool. I don't feel respected and I have completely lost any/all enjoyment. I hate constantly checking on her and keeping tabs, I hate the feeling when something triggers me and I completely feel totally overtaken and consumed with the mistrust and alienation.

I will suggest it to her. She is just now showing interest in actually learning about the MB principles.

I really need help with my emotions. I have alot of anger and resentment built up and have been having a hard time controlling my outbursts. I need to figure out what will help me get rid of some of the resentment and bitterness.

My name is TSM, I live in TX. I became a member of your MB message board last year in June when I discovered my wife had an affair. I am currently on the brink of divorce. Both my wife and I have contributed to the state of our marriage problems and I would probably say to an equal extent if I am being honest. I have a couple of questions and would like some guidance and advice. I want to know if it is possible to save our marriage in your expert opinion and if so what actions and plan I need to follow to give my marriage the best opportunity. I will provide you the background below and will try to be as honest and open as possible.

My wife and I have been together for 11 � years and married for 3 of those in August. We began dating in February of 2003 (my senior year of high school and her sophomore year). I was 17 at the time and she was 16. When we began our relationship I had never been with another woman sexually (nor have I to this day), she was more experienced and had been with other men (or boys at that time). My wife got pregnant in about May of 2003, we found out in about June or July. I decided to not go away to college but instead attend a local college upon graduation to stay near her and our child and to continue our relationship. We have 4 children ages 10, 9, 7 and 5 (our oldest passed away in 2009 from brain cancer).

I believe our first problems started here and were my fault. When I was younger I think I felt like I was not in love, I thought I wanted a different person (not anyone specific just thought I could do better, I had a child�s mentality) and was not 100% committed to our relationship. When we first started dating I was in the infatuation stage and even though I don�t think I was in love I was completely consumed by our relationship. I was a kid in his teens and early 20�s, in college around all my friends who had no children and so I partied a lot and was not a good partner at all and frankly was immature. My wife holds a lot of resentment regarding this up to this day.

We moved out of town (about an hour and a half) away from our families in May of 2006. Her family was very outspoken and were very intrusive to our marriage and I felt the best thing for us if we were going to make our relationship work was to move away. I was our primary provider and she stayed home. She was very immature at this point and would not work on the household and wasn�t a very good wife at this time. I built up resentment and really demeaned her a lot during this time. I know this is not the right approach but at the time I didn�t know any better, I just wanted more from her but didn�t know how to effectively handle it or communicate. In the fall/winter of 2007 she had an emotional affair and met up with the gentleman and kissed him once (according to her this was all that happened). I was upset about this and honestly we really never recovered from it properly. I didn�t find out about the meeting until 2009. In August of 2008 we found out our daughter had brain cancer and everything else was put on hold. Our total focus was on her treatment and her fight lasted 6 months before she passed away on Valentine�s day of 2009, 3 days after her 5th birthday.

I went directly back to work 2 weeks after her funeral and resumed my responsibilities as the provider. My wife suffered from depression and anxiety directly following my daughter�s death. I was so shell shocked and determined to provide that I was not hit with depression immediately. I also didn�t provide the emotional support she needed, I don�t really know why honestly and it was totally my fault. I know this and I know I fell short of what she needed during this time. She got through it and moved on, I however had a lot of guilt regarding my daughter�s death and depression slowly took me over. After a few years the depression really got to me and broke me. I was unhappy with everything (not even my children brought me joy). I was not there for my wife emotionally nor physically. I don�t think she realized it was depression nor did I. She thought I was seeing someone else or interested in finding someone else. Our relationship got very bad (all because of me). She tried to do things differently but I was so overtaken by depression without medication or counseling that I got deeper and deeper. I became dependent/addicted to pornography during this time to get my physical needs met and was not there for my wife emotionally or physically. Honestly, I was on such a destructive path I would have had an affair given the opportunity. It wasn�t for lack of love of my wife, I was just so lost.

This led to my wife having an affair. Her needs were not being met and someone stepped in and said all the right things and she had an emotional affair that turned physical. The affair lasted about 3-4 months. She was wrapped up in it as you know and was ready to leave me but her affair partner didn�t want the commitment. This has been the last year and a half of our life. I found out in June of 2013 and we spent about 2 weeks apart initially. We tried to reconcile, mainly using the MB principles. I felt like just compensation was never provided as a NC letter was never sent, the remorse and accountability from her never came. After about 3-4 months of trying to institute the MB principles in our marriage my wife started complaining about our lifestyle, the boundaries that were established and this caused a lot of resentment on my part. In May of 2014 I had enough and told her I wanted a separation and divorce. We both started seeing other people at this time, even before I moved out of the house. I think I said it to try and scare her more than anything but I couldn�t deal with her seeing other people. She was living a very destructive lifestyle speaking to any and everybody, sexting, ect.

In August I finally moved out and honestly was so fed up I didn�t want the marriage anymore. My resentment had run its course. I started dating women and reaching out to any woman possible. After about a month and a half I had turned down a couple of women who wanted to further a relationship but I was not looking for a relationship. My wife also started staying over at my apartment during this time and I think having her there really sparked my love to start coming back for her and my anger had subsided. It made me realize I didn�t want anyone else and I started falling in love with her again. I was very guarded of my feelings and was afraid to open up too fast and honestly I didn�t open up at all to her even though my feelings were slowly returning. This went on for about 3 weeks. My wife would say she loved me and would seek the companionship but I couldn�t give it to her. I did give her the time and allowed myself to spend 5 � 6 days a week for about 3 weeks with her. All of a sudden she stopped coming over and this was about 3 � 3 1/2 weeks ago. I found out on Halloween that she spent the night with someone else (about a week after she stopped spending time with me) and when I asked about it she said she no longer wanted to work on us and she wanted to pursue a relationship with this man.

This brings us to today, she has been seeing him for about 3-5 weeks (not 100% sure on the timeline). She was totally enamored with him and I understand how it works. I know the newness of the relationship and the excitement is what has her in her present state but she has closed her LB to me. She is treating me as someone engaging in an affair would (I know based on the MB principles this is considered an Affair but we were not in a relationship and had lived apart for about 3 months at this point). I believe over the weekend she and her partner had a fight or maybe she was convinced to take time away from him to get her life straight (get a divorce) from her family. They were upset with her because she is running to the relationship and isn�t taking the time to develop it. She has told me she wants a divorce and that she is done trying to fix our marriage. She has said she quit, she is tired of getting hurt and she doesn�t believe she can be happy with me and doesn�t believe I can change. I know she is angry right now with me (because I did any and everything to try and cause problems in her relationship � not the typical plan A I know). I was just so affected and hurt and honestly didn�t believe I would be that I couldn�t stop from trying to end the relationship. I did not have angry outbursts but tried discussing emotional topics and she was completely checked out and not interested.

I know I have made many mistakes along the way but I know I love my wife. I don�t know what else to do, we are already living separately, everybody knows about her relationship (I exposed this weekend to family) but she maintains she wants a divorce (our conversation yesterday). I feel like she is angry but it is so hard when she is so cold to me and acts like she wants nothing to do with me. I have text her and not fought for the last 2-3 days in an attempt to Plan A but I just need some reassurance more than anything that there is some hope.

Thanks for taking the time to read.