|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,477 Likes: 6
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,477 Likes: 6 |
Makes perfect sense and I definttly feel compensated. Took him a while to get his head out of his [censored] when he first returned but once he wised up he moved heaven and earth and still is to make amends. It not only wounds me when I have these moments it wounds him. That's so good that he gave you just compensation. As Mel said concentrate on UA time. The Critical Importance of Undivided Attention Let us know when you hear back from Dr. Harley and welcome to MB.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 12
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 12 |
Thank you both for the links.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860 |
Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it  I wish I could find something we haven't done or that needs to be done to fix this because there there would be something I could say "yes, this wasn't completed" and complete or "this hasn't been done" and do it. There's absolutely no resentment on my part. I am prob 99% healed. No anger no bitterness no hatred. I have forgiven but living with the knowledge that there was someone my husband felt so strongly for he left his family over and emotionally and physically abandoned me for is something that still cuts me to the quick. The pain isn't as it used to be but I oftrn still feel tremendous sadness about. We are under a lot of financial stress at the moment but even still we have UA time and marriage check ups every two weeks. I have no complaints. Just the knowing. I want so badly to get past it.  Something/s is causing triggers. Did you move far away after the affair? Many a WS and BS could not heal until they moved far away.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 12
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 12 |
@TheRoad Thank you for responding. I know it's hard to believe but they're not triggers. It's a knowing. I KNOW this occurred and that's a fact. Healing doesn't mean you forget. I remember and it still saddens me to know what I know.
I know all of my triggers and most have either gone away where they can occur and I have no emotional swing or the trigger is very very minute.
I was hoping someone else had gone through this and had a coping merchanism. I don't wind up in a puddle of tears and it doesn't set me back in terms of moving forward but there are moments regardless of how far and wide they are from one to the next where I think about what occurred.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 12
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 12 |
No we didn't move. Where we live isn't a trigger for me.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I was hoping someone else had gone through this and had a coping merchanism. I don't wind up in a puddle of tears and it doesn't set me back in terms of moving forward but there are moments regardless of how far and wide they are from one to the next where I think about what occurred. I would strongly encourage you to write Dr Harley and see if he can help you resolve this problem. There is something wrong if you are still thinking of the affair this far out from D-Day. I am hopeful you find the solution.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860 |
Not knowing the whole story and still wanting answers will keep the past current.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 12
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 12 |
Thanks Melody. I sent an email when you first suggested. The Road, I do have all the answers I need and don't wonder about anything. I trust my husband, he's very ashamed and regretful and wishes he could erase the past. He spent months completely in pain over not only my pain but that he allowed himself to do the things he did. I know the past isn't our future. That's why I'm so bothered as to why I have moments of sadness. I honestly think I'm still mourning the death of our old marriage in some regards because things moved so quickly from one stage to another. I'll report back if I hear from Dr. Harley.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I honestly think I'm still mourning the death of our old marriage in some regards because things moved so quickly from one stage to another. But that is the marriage that led to an affair. The mourning is over when a happier and more romantic marriage replaces the old marriage. The old marriage led to an affair. This is my concern. There is something missing in your recovery. Do you and you husband still talk about the affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709 |
GG. MB taught me to live in the present. Whenever my mind starts to wander back to my husband"s affair, I refocus and think of the things he now does to protect me from this ever happening again.
If he is doing all the things on the recovery list and has paid you just compensation, then it becomes your choice to look forward and not back.
It is often very easy to blame the affair on any current problems or unhappiness when in fact past mistakes have nothing to do with the present when your husband has done everything required to make amends and redeem himself.
The MB advice to never talk about the affair again helped me immensely in moving forward and focusing on the present. You have to make the choice to live in the present and see your husband as he is now. UA time is essential.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 900
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 900 |
Hi GG21;
Dr. Harley told me that the MINIMUM of 15 hours of UA time each week is essential, especially for women. He said it is like a "switch", for most women, who suddenly feel more attached and connected to their husbands when the 15 hour mark is reached.
He said some men, on the other hand, can feel deeply in love with fewer than 15 hours weekly. But it is nearly NEVER true for women.
Can you find a way to get in a minimum of 15 hours a week for a month, and see if it makes a difference?
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 784
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 784 |
It's helped me to 'stay present' in my thoughts and not suddenly jarred backwards by perceiving the painful times in my life not as hardships but rather as 'teachers' that have brought me exactly where I need to be now. For me, I'd trigger again over husbands betrayal when I would have to deal w/other perceived abusers.
In short, I've become detached and perceive the sensitive times in my life symbolically. Like a hero's journey. It seems relating to the painful period as victim and dialoging with myself in terms of being wounded would take me back to the cause and effect and thus would trigger a sense of powerlessness. I'm able to stay out of that boat w/a better sense of detachment along with a 'new improved marriage.'
BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren
"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
1 members (TALKINGNONSENSE),
351
guests, and
60
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,623
Posts2,323,503
Members71,977
| |
Most Online3,224
May 9th, 2025
|
|
|
|
