My husband has left me said he needs to be alone. been married 18 years. We've had problems but always got through but this just came out of no where. He left 2 days after his 48th bday. I'm sure there isn't another W in his life. He hasn't shaved or wont even cut his hair. One day he said hes leaving and a week later he got his own place. Its going on 3 weeks now. He comes over to get a few things here and there. We go to lunch and talk then he comes home and takes more stuff. Said hes still wanting to be alone. He said it has nothing to do with me that its just him. I ask him to at least try that we have so much to offer each other and that I don't understand how he can throw away what we have together. I asked him maybe go to counseling or even church. He gets upset with me and just says no that he doesn't want anyone telling him what to do. I think hes going through maybe the change of life but he laughs and says no that hes just fine, but i think hes in denial. How do I know if this is real that he really just don't love me enough to try or if hes going through the change of life? I do not have male friends so i don't really know if this is what happens to men when they are depressed. I tell him I am not giving up and he said thats fine but tells me I need to take care of myself because he might not come back because hes liking this taking care of himself and don't have to answer to anyone. I love my husband and he still tells me he loves me and misses being with me but he claims not like i do him and he doesn't want to come home. I've got friends that want to talk to him but he will not answer their calls. I text or call him and he will not respond for a couple days. I've been giving him space but im so afraid he's going to think im giving up if I dont call then if i keep calling itl make him mad and stay away. please help. Any suggestions will help. I do pray every day and night and I have been faithful about thanking God for everything he has done for me and keeping me strong. My husband is making is so hard for me. Hes nice one minute and hard the next. Hes put up a wall around his heart and set on one thing and thats just himself and being very selfish and mean. He is not like that at all normally. Everyone in the family is in shock. Thought we are the ones that would be together forever. I told him i forgive him for breaking my heart and just to come home and we can work it out and that i'll be there for him to help him get through whatever it is hes going through and he says no hes not coming home. So i don't know what to do anymore. thank you for listening..

Welcome to MB and I'm so sorry you are going through this. Sounds to me like he is having an affair. I'm sorry, but this is the same story we all have had and heard. Men don't usually leave to be alone, unless there is some abuse or you can't get along at all. You need to know the truth. You need to investigate. Have you checked phone records, computers, passwords, etc?

You're in the right place. We'll help you through this.

I'm sure he is depressed and confused. If there is a divorce, he knows there will be dreadful consequences and he will suffer. That's why he is depressedj, anxious, not sleeping, and mean to you. He is going to soon blame you for all his troubles. It's coming.

Do not let on the you are suspicious at all. Keep acting the same and INVESTIGATE the truth about your life.

98/100 times....in these situations....he's having an affair.

Probably a co-worker or friend but In today's day and time it could even be an internet affair. Regardless, he needs privacy and "space" so he can undertake such activities without any hassle or interruptions.

There is an operation investigate forum which can help you develop strategies for snooping on him and figuring out what is going on. But, again, don't ask him for the truth. He's NOT going to give it to you and by pressing the subject you'll actually make him (and OW) more careful. Let him believe he's got you fooled and complacent. He'll be more sloppy and easier to catch.

What other recent activities or out of place behaviors has he been doing?

Oh...and welcome to MB.

He only uses his work phone. I do not have access to it. He never gets on the computer. Hes always been home right after work and never had time to be with anyone. Hes always took care of him self, like shaving and keeping his hair cut. He wont even do any of these things. I just cant imagine him being with anyone else. I feel hes going through a mid life crisis but I do not know how to help him.

Do you guys have kids?

Do you know where his apartment is?

Do you know what he's doing in there or at night???

No a big proponent of "mid-life crisis". MLC is just code for I'm wayward, mentally ill or have an issue with drugs (prescription generally).

we both have 2 kids each from our 1st marriages. We don't have any together. We raised them together. Their adults now. We have grandkids. Yes I know where he is staying and no I don't know what hes doing. I guess I just trust him. We have not had any problems. He works for a place that is all men and is a very hard worker. His computer at work is scanned daily and he would get fired if its used for personal use. He calls me on his way home daily and is here for dinner every night. We dont go out. He dont use the computer.

You need to know, for sure, if he is having an affair. That's first and foremost. You need to rule it out, if it's not an affair. Following him in a rental car, hiring a PI, going through all his credit card charges, bank statements, etc. Look for any withdrawals or unusual charges.

I have always been the one to take care of the bills and bank accounts. Never had a problem. A friend of mine said she would go to his place and check things out if thats what I really wanted. Just to make sure. But I think he would at least shave and cut his hair if hes trying to impress someone else. He just tells me he dont want anyone in his life right now and that he needs time alone to think if we have a future or not. He just told me hes going to his parents for the holidays. Im praying that they can get through to him. They are a very strict old fashion Christian couple. They already told him not to do anything that he will regret. He said hes not even thinking about being with anyone. So I just have faith that its not an affair.

Waywards all say that!!! It's typical. Many wayward men don't shave or cut their hair because they are spinning out of control. But, they are usually having an affair. You need to snoop. Can you look over the credit card statements and bank records? Are there any red flags?

We still share accounts and no red flags. I will talk to my friend and see if she will do the snooping for me. So i don't know what to do. What should I do to change him or is it to late?

liltiger: You are in shock, but you need to understand something. Affair or not, your husband is sabatoging your marriage. He could have told you he was unhappy and needed you both to make some changes together. He could have stepped up and made your marriage and life more fullfilling. If he felt depressed, he could have taken anti-depressants. What did he do instead? He decided to abondon you and your children. Don't feel sorry for him. Don't make excuses for him. He has assaulted you in the worst way. The faster you acknowedge this, the better.

yes im in shock. thank you so much for that. This is true. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself also and wondering why hes doing all this to me. I need to think about myself and not worry about him right now. I dont want to give up on my marriage. I love my husband so much.

It's natural to ask why he is doing what he is doing. It's natural to try and find out if he had a brain tumor, nervous breakdown, etc, etc. We don't want to believe our beloved husbands can be so cruel and selfish. This is who they really are. You may not want the selfish [censored] back, but if you want to fight for him, you need to uncover all the truths of his abandonment. Investigate!

The first thing to do is to rule out an affair. That's because if a spouse is having an affair, MB will lay out a plan for you based on that. If he's not having an affair, the plan is adjusted.

Make sure your friend can snoop thoroughly and quietly. Maybe your or she can find a way to install a VAR into his car, spyware on his phone and/or other methods often used to discover what your spouse is doing when he's not with you.

Meanwhile, you should make sure you have eliminated all your love busters. Has he made any complaints at all about you? If so, then address them. Make sure you look great when he stops by.

Make sure you exercise Extraordinary Precautions, by avoiding personal conversations with men.