The problem is not that you did not make yourself clear.
Yes, your wife was wrong to move her father in without the two of you deciding together.

This is why I have told you to read up on the POJA. Have you?

The way you address this MUST be done without disrespect or demands on your part.

And demanding.

I apologize if I still cannot wrap my mind around why in fact the term "should" is disrespectful and while I do not have it in me to debate the semantics of the term should, in this scenario, should is warranted. "Should" someone pay taxes? Sure, "Should" someone be respectful, absolutely but saying "should" is disrespectful begs the question and would in fact cancel itself out because if someone should be respectful, just the very nature of that is in itself disrespectful! So, when I say, my father in-law should take his dog out more, this is not being, in my mind disrespectful but factual. If the dog was to have the opportunity to go outside, the problem of urinating in the house would be almost eliminated. Should they have included me in every conversation about moving in? Again, very much so. There has never been demands by definition, only requests by me in an attempt to negotiate a positive outcome to the request of the father in-law moving in. Requests that are important to me as well as the safety of my kids. I am also being seemingly chastised in an above post for using the "she doesn't care" in my post. Let me be clear that these are her words, not mine. I want to sit down, time and time again and discuss things but what I get is, a roll of the eyes and a long sigh and a "God, really, I am not going to talk about this". So, please do not accuse me of being disrespectful in this situation, bitter to a point, but not disrespectful. And I have read bits and pieces of the POJA.

As long as you have that attitude, you will get nowhere in persuading your wife to take your feelings into account. If you are not willing to learn how you are disrespectful and demanding, then there isn't much we can do for you.

In my opinion, then, you should get a good lawyer and prepare for divorce, because this marriage is not going to make it.

This is very interesting. I find what I thought to be a good forum, post my experience to maybe gain a little insight to why this may have happened and I am immediately attacked and deemed to be disrespectful? I am just utterly confused by these comments! What I ask is this, please read the initial post VERY carefully, put yourself in my spot and ask yourself, what would you do. Then, give me what your honest opinion is. Prisca, I asked in an earlier post to point out, from my original post, where I would in fact be disrespectful. No mention of demands etc. were ever stated, I made none. Never did I say I made demands of my wife...never! Why do you keep saying I am being disrespectful of my wife?

I would do, and have done, exactly what I have already posted to you.

I am kind of confused as to why you are perceiving this to be an attack. I don't think you understand how this program works: one of the things you have to do to successfully apply this program to your marriage is to learn to identify and eliminate disrespect on your part, as well as several other love busters.

We are not concerned with whether the disrespect is justified. Many of us probably would feel that it is, and might privately agree with you. But that won't help your marriage, because your marriage can't be helped if you reserve the right to be disrespectful to your wife.

It's not an attack - most of us were very disrespectful toward our spouse when we arrived, too. I know I certainly was!

What is good here is the concepts offered by Dr. Harley. The forum is only good and only successful because it teaches people how to successfully apply those concepts.

One of those concepts, which you've got to apply if you want to preserve your marriage, is that the way you are talking about your situation with your wife is disrespectful. Like it or not, agree with it or not, you can't learn to resolve conflicts with your wife if you continue to talk about the conflicts that way. It can't be done.

So when we let you know you are being disrespectful, we are trying to help you accomplish the first step toward turning this around. I'm not sure why you perceive that as an attack. If you don't want to use this approach, you're more than welcome to try something else, but in my experience this is the only approach that works.

Me too. Prisca and I have walked this road and learned how to stop being disrespectful to each other, stop fighting with each other, resolve conflicts, and restore love in our marriage.

We would be happy to help you with that.

One other thing to note is, this post was about one situation only. My wife and I have been together for 20 years and I love her very much, more and more every day and her father and I are good friends. We get along very well and have since the very first day. I served in the Marine Corps and know respect well. Even though my wife and I do not spend what is needed for time together, we are raising two very special children and know time is limited but we try to make the most of what we have. So, even though this above post may sound disconcerting, it is not. I have multiple sets of relatives married for more than 50 years who had very little time for each other while raising their kids, yet found each other once again in time so please do not post for me to "find a good lawyer" really? Great advice.

Well, since you have it all figured out, why come here for advice?

The problem as I see it, is that maintaining the status quo in a marriage can work just fine. My parents were married over 40 years and they were very disrespectful of each other's needs, and they were selfish. But...they stayed married and made it work. We are not scolding you for the way you and your wife behave with one another...we are trying to teach you that there is a better way to resolve problems like you have. Don't you want your marriage to be the best it can be? Isn't there always room for improvement? Following Dr. Harley's basic concepts will give you the tools to resolve every conflict you come across in your marriage, IMO.

QFT. We're not about maintaining the status quo here. We're about deep, romantic, head over heels in love marriages.

I am not trying to be combative, only trying to get clarity. By your initial response of "disrespect (you've got quite a few of those) and demands on your part." I only asked you clarify where in my post these were. Please point out where EXACTLY in my post was I being disrespectful? And demands, where did I SPECIFICALLY demand anything of my wife??

It's been pointed out to you, but you disagreed with it.

We would like to show you how to get to a marriage where your wife cares about your feelings and wouldn't do anything if you object, no matter why. You wouldn't even have to be RIGHT in your objection - just if you aren't enthusiastic, if you are reluctant, for whatever reason, that would be enough for her, and she wouldn't do it.

But to get there, we've got to show you how to care about her feelings at the same level. For example, if she told you that she found something disrespectful, you would accept that, rather than try to prove to her that actually you are right and are not being disrespectful.

My guess is, right now, she feels that you are often disrespectful, but she doesn't tell you, because she feels it wouldn't accomplish anything - she figures you would debate her about it, and she doesn't want to have a debate. There's a good chance she feels that you care about logic more than about her feelings. And in response, she doesn't care much about your feelings in this case.

My guess is if you wrote her a note and said "Darling, somebody told me that they suspect that you feel that I care more about logic than about your feelings. Is that true? I would really like to know the honest truth," that there's a good chance she would confirm this.

Markos,

And still, no answer. Please review each post carefully and you will see there has yet to be an answer with examples except one about walking the dog, which was NOT made to my wife and one about caring, again, not my words..hers so there have been no disagreeing, only informing you of who and where things were directed. I did not say to her, "You should walk the dog more often", but, while cleaning a urine stain, by me, I said, I think the dog, if walked more often, would probably not pee so much in the house. Observation as well as suggesting but hardly a demand.

So Markos, I will put you on the spot for a second since you suggest so quickly for me to seek out an attorney. Let's assume your wife came to you with a desire for your in-laws to move in. You had some reservations about it for various reasons but your wife was 100% dead set on it no matter what, no discussions. How would you handle it? This is what I am after, suggestions on how to handle a specific scenario. That's all, and not to debate or argue with members of a discussion board.

Your story seems to be changing.


So, either talking to her, or talking to her father, or talking to us, you spoke in this disrespectful way about the subject, and it would behoove you to learn to filter out such disrespectful comments if you want to get your marriage to a point where she won't do whatever she likes regardless of your objections.


I would handle it with an approach like the one my wife already posted to you.

In fact that is essentially what I did do when my wife wanted to live a lifestyle of making many decisions over my objections. It worked and now she is concerned enough about my feelings to abstain from anything I am not enthusiastic about. So if she wanted to provide care for her parents in a way I wasn't enthusiastic about, we'd be looking for a different way to handle the situation. She wouldn't do that to me now (and vice versa) because we are now in a marriage where we wouldn't do that to each other.

It's disrespectful whether you understand how it is disrespectful or not.

I may not always understand why my wife feels the way she does, but I have learned to understand how she feels. So I know what things I can say that she would find disrespectful and I learn to avoid saying those things. Understanding the why came much later (and still hasn't fully arrived in some cases).