What are your marriage problems?
Today was slated (in my mind) the last appointment with counselor with both of us there.
She wanted to talk about trust and that I just didn't trust her. It was a catch 22 to her. She says she wants to do things that protect me... but she feels that some of the things that bother me are unreasonable (like touching a man on his back) and that I should just trust her not to do anything inappropriate. I told her the following:
"You are correct, I do not trust you 100% and will probably never trust anyone including our pastor or family members 100%. We will all fail each other at some point. But I can share with you what will build a great deal of trust quickly with me. When I share that something you are doing with OS makes me uncomfortable if you were to stop doing it because you know it hurts or causes me discomfort that would build trust and make large deposits"
She immediately went into defense mode and started talking about whether something is reasonable or not or just my insecurity. She then said she wanted to know why it makes me uncomfortable for her to place her hand on the shoulder or the back of another man or anything I am uncomfortable with.
I told her "I don't know. It is just how I feel."
Ultimately my wife is hung up on what is reasonable or not reasonable.
How do you deal with that? There is nothing I can say or do that would not just tick her off at this point.
The conversation continued, but you need this bit of info:
I found an email from the OS friend / consultant yesterday... the same guy she had built a close friendship with last year. It was only an email requesting help on a project (for his company) and asked how the kids were doing. Other than that nothing more. The email was marked as read before I looked at it. No replies were made as best I could tell. So it looked like it was at least read or marked read.
So my wife continued...
She started talking about trust again and how when I make a request it feels like I don't trust her and she feels I should.
I made the
MISTAKE of sharing the following: "Here is one reason that can make it hard to trust... I noticed the OS friend / consultant has reached out to you and per our agreement if he ever reached out you would share the interaction with me and you haven't.".
She immediately got ticked off and in an irritated tone said she doesn't know about any interaction with that man. She said she hasn't heard from him or interacted with him since the last time I knew about it (when she didn't tell me about it then either). So she kept repeating what interaction am I talking about. She pulled out her phone and searched her email and found the email.
She was pissed... and I mean pissed off and said she didn't know anything about that email and how did I know about it. I said it really doesn't matter how I know. She is now speaking with raised voice... yes it does matter how you know. She is now showing tears with her anger, jaw locked tight and looks like ready to do battle or walk out. She then said she didn't know anything about the email and had not seen it yet and it just shows how you don't trust me and you just assume I am hiding something on purpose. You are calling me a liar.
I calmly said that all I can go by is it is marked as a read email in your email account. She replied that she marks almost all the emails that come in as read as she gets so many from work (and to confirm she does get a lot of repetitive emails from work). She said you should know I am not lying by how ticked off I am and in tears over you calling me a liar.
I wasn't going to argue or debate whether she saw it or not. I don't see a reply (don't have a mechanism to see if she called on office phone) and don't see any calls from her work cell or personal cell phone or have any other evidence so I don't have anything more than the email marked as read to go by. So yes... it is possible she marked it read when she bulk marked a bunch of emails as read.
So I told her that I am sorry she feels I was calling her a liar... I was pointing out something that looked like she had read it and had not been shared and that would be something that would make trust difficult. I then apologized for coming across as calling her a liar... but please understand how it looks.
She is so pissed she says she wants me to leave and let her have a few minutes with counselor.
I do honor her request, but simply leave with the following:
Again... I am sorry you took it as I was calling you a liar. I was sharing what I saw and how it was an email marked as read. It was not my intention to be accusatory and since you felt that way I am sorry as that was not my intention.
I wanted to know what was making her so pissed... that I knew about the email without her knowledge or if she genuinely was hurt that I didn't believe her.... as I do believe she wants me to trust her. I can see that... but she doesn't seem to understand how that is earned with what has happened. Anyway... I didn't ask or say anything else and left. Do I believe she didn't really see it. Don't know... it is possible based on what she said, but I will continue to keep a lookout.
During the session the whole concept of trust and reasonable kept coming from her. Sadly the counselor said there is a certain aspect of reasonable that needs to be considered, but nothing you as husband has requested is unreasonable. He didn't give a clear example of what he was meaning by something being unreasonable, but I am guessing he means me having her do something morally wrong or having her DO something she doesn't want to DO or not speaking to another OS person ever no matter what. The problem is... without him explaining what he meant it seemed like he was confirming there should be examination of reasonableness which may give my wife validity in saying I am unreasonable to her. Even though he said I was NOT being unreasonable and I am not asking for her to sin or do anything morally wrong... just asking she not do something that makes me uncomfortable.
Anyway... I have decided to go with Steve Harley instead of Chalmers. One because of discount and two because he may have better shot at pulling my wife in at some point.