It's in the mailbox - handwritten of course.

I was in a good mood, trying to be while working today, I had my phone on silent - no vibrate or anything. I think I went WAY overboard in my text with her: (does not have timestamps - first three messages were within hours before my reply)


Her: Daycare I have to pay Hannah please

Her: I don't have the money to pay daycare the trip to ny was not in my budget so if you would please do what you said with paying for daycare I would appreciate it

Her: Fine don't help me don't expect to see the kids either till a court hearing is set

Me: My precious love. Always assuming the worst in me, always so angry. And yet my heart still so strong for you.

Her: You don't respond or the money isn't in the bank so what am I suppose to assume
Me: Please do not assume. I am working, the Q is 50 deep. It is very busy. The money is there. I know you like to be mad at me, and you always always assume the worst with me. And yet I love you regardless.

Her: I'm sorry you still could have text me and the money wasn't when I checked not long ago

Me: I hand you the world, gently and with a smile. And you get a grumpy face yank it from me and say I never give you anything..and I am still....right.....here.....
Her: That's what makes you better than me

Me: I want to be your equal. Not better...

Me: I remember back when. We did not have cell phones and one of us would sit home waiting for the other to come home. Time to miss one another. I miss those days so much. You smile on a daily basis. You are better than you think my love. Worth so much more than you are crediting yourself..someday you will see that...maybe then I will be worthy of you....enjoy your night my heart.

Me: I don't want to be better than you. I don't want to be above you..I would give everything to stand with you.

OK......

"I know you like to be mad at me, and you always always assume the worst with me. And yet I love you regardless."

That's a HUGE DJ with something that sort of looks like a compliment at the end, but is actually also an insult (you are undeserving of my love). You can't say stuff like that, man. Anything that starts with "I know you think/feel X, but Y" is a HUGE DJ. It will make her hate you. Try to memorize that. It's easy to reach for when you're frustrated with someone, but it's incredibly disrespectful, you cannot say that to her.

You probably withdrew love units with this whole exchange. If your compliment has anything negative about your wife in it, it's not a compliment and she will see it as snide and pretending you are better than her.

Stuff like this I'd stick to short, genuine compliments. Leading off a text with "my precious love" will probably make her think you are being sarcastic.

If she asks you for a favor I'd respond politely and with some icing on top. Like POLITELY offering an extra favor you know she'd appreciate, or telling her you're thinking of her, or that she looked nice the last time you her, etc.

So if the DJ was not there, would that still have been over the top? And I certainly was not being sarcastic, these are the things I used to say to her in text responses.

Ahh....well, if that's the norm to lead off with the poetry, that's different then.

On over the top versus not, or etc. Don't ever say anything that suggests loving her in spite of the circumstance. It will make her feel like you're saying she's undeserving of your love, because that's basically what it means.

The poetic stuff (if it's not out of place from how you normally converse via text) is probably OK, just no DJs.

Her: Daycare I have to pay Hannah please

Her: I don't have the money to pay daycare the trip to ny was not in my budget so if you would please do what you said with paying for daycare I would appreciate it

Her: Fine don't help me don't expect to see the kids either till a court hearing is set

Me: My precious love. Always assuming the worst in me, always so angry. And yet my heart still so strong for you.
DJ!

Her: You don't respond or the money isn't in the bank so what am I suppose to assume
Me: Please do not assume. I am working, the Q is 50 deep. It is very busy. The money is there. I know you like to be mad at me, and you always always assume the worst with me. And yet I love you regardless.
DJ!

Her: I'm sorry you still could have text me and the money wasn't when I checked not long ago

Me: I hand you the world, gently and with a smile. And you get a grumpy face yank it from me and say I never give you anything..and I am still....right.....here.....
DJ!

Her: That's what makes you better than me

Me: I want to be your equal. Not better...

Me: I remember back when. We did not have cell phones and one of us would sit home waiting for the other to come home. Time to miss one another. I miss those days so much. You smile on a daily basis. You are better than you think my love. Worth so much more than you are crediting yourself..someday you will see that...maybe then I will be worthy of you....enjoy your night my heart.

Me: I don't want to be better than you. I don't want to be above you..I would give everything to stand with you.

Bill, don't sing your own praises to her, and don't tell her how great and steadfast you are. Don't tell her what to think you (or anything).

I don't know if your wife likes super syrupy conversation/compliments but that was way over the top to me. I hand you the world...ummmmmm...laying it on thick. I would dial it way back. Keep it simple.

"I transferred the funds this afternoon. How is DD? How are you?"

"Sorry for not responding right away. It is very busy right now. How is your day going?"

"The funds should be in the account. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do for you. Have a good weekend."

If you know that she has liked the sweet talk in the past, keep them up. There's nothing inherently wrong with them. Just keep the DJs out of it!

My precious, my love, my heart...she will shut down if you insist on calling her these things and being all flowery in your responses.

Did she respond in a positive way and like them? If so, then carry care on. Different strokes.

"Have a good weekend." - things like that I couldn't say. She texts me at least once per day. and it usually involves the children in some way, but just to small talk convo. In fact this morning she called me up while at Walmart just to tell me she was buying gifts for Christmas. She did not ask me anything, I just listened, Of course I wanted to say A LOT. but nothing she would have wanted to hear of course, so I just listened.

Well she did ask one question and I bit my tongue After I said it. She said what do you think they want fro Christmas - i said same thing I want. her reply was "other than that?" . I just said I have the list they gave me in my papers here, and she just went on talking again, I listened then she she ended the call.

She does this she calls or texts in a manner that appears to be to shoot the crap. Sometimes I have no idea how to take that. At first I presumed it was her missing me a bit - but I cannot know.

@Prisca and @Black_Raven - two responses wildly differing.

I was not consistent with them before, but I did them, and she mentioned later that I was sweet. So I would do them as often as I "remembered" (fail I now realize), now tho, no there is almost no acknowledgment of it.

I was doing this prior to the trip to NY, and she would ask me to stop. the two weeks where I thought she was waking up, she did not object at all.

But usually she just replies as if I don't say anything sweet, just the basics, it is not acknowledged. Except for today, where she said "That's what makes you better than me " This is really the first time she acknowledged a response outside of that two weeks.

I am sure I can "tone it down", but to stop would feel cold to me, since it is a norm to some degree. Maybe avoid key words.?

I personally don't care for a man to talk to me like that but she might. However, since she has gone from telling you to stop to not objecting, I would at least take the temperature of the conversation first and go from there. Don't immediately respond with a term of endearment. If the exchange is going well then maybe step it up but I wouldn't pour it on either.

Sorry if my prior posts came across as critical. I do not know what your WW likes and doesn't but it seemed like too much IMO.

But surely you can see that their differences are over matters of style, not substance. Surely you can see that they have different responses to the "mushy stuff", but that they are leaving the decision over using that kind of language up to you. It is crucial that you get the tone of your speech (or texts) correct, but, in terms of mushiness, that tone is whatever is appropriate between you and your wife. If she likes it and has never told you to put a sock in it, then black_raven is not ordering you to stop it.

Don't use that issue to try and make the point that since people here differ, then either they don't know what they are talking about, or there is no correct answer, and therefore your approach is as good as anyone's. It really isn't.

The thing that there is only one correct interpretation of, and that you do all the time, is to utter disrespectful judgements. Disrespect has ruined your marriage and made your wife fall out of love with you, and it does not matter how much mushy language you use today; if you are wrapping that language around DJs, you are doing far more harm than good - and that is what you did in the text exchange above.

In your response to Prisca and black_raven, you completely ignored Prisca's time-consuming edit of your DJs and discussed only the mushy language, which you are in a position to defend.

The far worse problem is your DJs, and I have not seen you realise the enormity of them at all yet. If you don't learn what they are, you can't learn how to stop them from coming out of your mouth. It will be too late each time you report an exchange here that has already taken place.

Exactly! Read this post of Sugarcane's very carefully, Billman.

I understand

@Prisca - Did there come a time when you began to struggle with deciding between your partner and your spouse?

I mean was there a time where you wanted to be with your spouse but did not want to hurt your partner?

If my wife were in that stage, would she tell me or try to hint it?
What would help her know or find or understand that saving her family would be a better choice if any - other than my doing Plan A correctly.

You need to stop making up stages that don't exist and start learning and applying Dr. Harley's plan.

Plan A is your only hope.

I understand, I do not mean to make stages, I was just curious what goes on during that time. I just wanted to understand better, nothing more.

I think I just want to know that if she reaches out, I don't want to mistakenly miss her hand. unless I am supposed to wait for her to call out as opposed to reach. I don't know . . I am just trying to feel the hope and not the sorrow.