For the past year or so things have been very tough in my personal life. I have had to deal with a chronic illness, and during this i felt my husband wasn't very supportive. I constantly told my husband how i felt and he kept saying that he was being supportive, and eventually i just stopped sharing my concerns/worries with him and started getting on with things myself. As all this was going on i started to resent him and started feeling very disconnected from him. He also travels a lot, so i felt the distance just pushed more of a void between us.

I have also been feeling very unfulfilled in my life. We moved to a new area and i have no friends and no one to really meet up with or talk to. I have been keeping all of my feeling suppressed and it has been really eating away at me. My husband and i got married pretty young and i have started to feel like i made a mistake marrying him so young. I think i have matured and changed a lot as a person since we got married, and i feel like i have missed out, i am still only in my late 20's. Now i look back on my life i don't think i have ever had really good sex either. My husband and i do have sex but i feel very disconnected.

One day i was feeling pretty lonely and down and i had a suggestion of people i may know on Facebook, one being this particular male i used to be friends with and had a major thing for back in the day. It has been many years since we last spoke, so i sent him a request. We started talking for a few weeks and i opened up and told him things in my marriage haven't been that great. He started flirting a lot and being pretty suggestive. At first i told him to stop, but then i caved.

We talked for about a week about meeting up to have an NSA type thing, but then the feelings i had for him before started to come back. I have never done a no strings attached thing with any man i have not been in a relationship with, and i though a little fling is what i needed to fill the void i feel in me. I told my male friend that i was considering ending the marriage because i have tried for months to fix things, but i feel the feelings i had for him are gone. He said as long as i was mentally disconnected from my husband that was fine with him.

After a few days i started to feel like i couldn't actually go through with meeting up with this male friend and having sex, although i would be lying if i said the thought of meeting up with him to just see him didn't seem very tempting to me, but the sex part started to feel very wrong, regardless of the fact that due to my attraction to him it did seem appealing in a way. The male friend also started to reply less and less, and then eventually said he didn't want to sleep around and it is awkward being i am married, and he didn't want to go through with it anymore. He said he found me very attractive, but had no romantic feelings for me, but he didn't want us to stop talking and really cares about our friendship, and would text me later seems he was at work.

He never text me, and after 5 days i told him that i really cared about our friendship also, and felt that what we had talked about had changed things, and i was just in a vulnerable state being in a marriage that is on. He never replied. After trying to reach out a few times and being upright ignored, i removed him off Facebook. I later regretted doing so and re-added him. Pathetic i know, and of course he ignored the request.

I told this whole story as i desperately need some support, and i don't have many people to talk to about this.

1) Do you think i should tell my husband that i talked to this guy and both of us were being very suggestive towards each other? We talked about things we wanted to do sexually with each other, and although we never met and did these things, i still feel very guilty regardless of feeling i fell out of love with my husband. I constantly fantasize daily about sex with this male friend i had. I think it is all fantasy though as earlier stated the thought of actually doing it although appealing felt very wrong to me. I thought this guy could offer me everything my husband has not been that i desire currently, as i feel very unloved and alone.

2) I have tried for a year now to work and change how i feel and fall back in love my husband, but i am not sure if a year is long enough to say i tried and walk away. Regardless of all my feelings, i don't want to walk away and regret things, although my husband seems to have drastically changed also. He tells me he loves me and wants to work on things between us as they are obviously not how they used to be, but he constantly snaps at me for no reason, and is very rude to me when i ask him questions. He is away for work at the moment, and i called him to ask him what gifts i should get the family. His reply was "right now i just don't give a ****." I thought this was totally rude and unnecessary and said i was getting off the phone call. So all day yesterday he never called or text me, and he always calls me after work. I called him twice and text him asking what was wrong, and he never responded to me. He has also started becoming very strange when it comes to sexual encounters between us. He constantly asks me how he measures up compared to partners i have had in the past, and i am not sure why he has started asking questions like this.

The issues i think have been building up a while but just came out seems the illness coincided with more problems of me feeling neglected. His family do not treat me very nicely. His brother for whatever reason he has does not like me (We used to get on until he got with this one girl), and now him, and his gf blank me at family functions. I told my husband i feel very upset about this and awkward being around them, and he basically said he cannot do anything because it is his brother.

I don't want him to cut off his family, but it hurts my feelings when people are rude to me and he doesn't say a thing about it, and him not sticking up for me in situations is a very big issue for me. I have tried to discuss my issues with him, but he has basically told me he can't do anything about them. It hurts me a lot that he just plays it off like it is nothing. This is a marriage and he doesn't seem to want to make it work.

3) I feel completely foolish i ruined my friendship with my old male friend, and although this is not really a priority right now, i do blame myself. I am not sure why he stopped talking to me, but i just fee this whole situation is a mess.

I just don't know what to do at all. I wonder if i will ever truly have happiness again, because right now i feel like i won't. My lack of feelings for my husband have made me act in ways that i don't feel are me at all. I have never cheated before in a relationship, it just isn't me at all. I don't know why i was even considering this my male friend, and i am really ashamed in my behaviour.

I know people are going to read this and think i am a horrible person, and to be honest i don't blame you, but all i really need is some advice. I feel lost.

jleah,

You have had an emotional affair with this old love interest of yours and it is completely wrong. Old flames like this have no place of any kind in your life, you can never see or communicate with this man again.

You need to make your complete confession to your husband, this might cause your husband to divorce you, but it is the right thing to do. Your husband need to understand this threat to your marriage.

God Bless
Gamma

Yes, tell your husband!

I divorced my husband because he didn't come clean, I would have worked it through if he had backed away and been honest as you have done.

You were foolish but you saw through this man at last. He thought you were an easy mark and his attentions were insulting. Thank goodness you listened to your instincts.

Now your instincts tell you you can't move on alone - listen to them!

He will be very upset but only because he cares about you.

Thank you for the feedback. There is however many problems with my husband that after addressing multiple times he will not address. I told him the thing with his brother upsets me, and he will not sort this with his brother or family and i do not know how to move forward.

When i tell him about this other guy, what if he decided to stay? All the problems i have told him about never get solved. He is totally insensitive to my feelings.

Please show a little sympathy and empathy for your husband. You are going to tell him some very shocking, upsetting news. You need to show some compassion for HIM.

The behavior you describe here should be a deal breaker. After you tell him about the affair, I would make it clear that the above behavior is pushing you away and is ruining your marriage. If he won't stop his disrespect, you should plan on separating. Your husband has done a lousy job of being a husband to you and I see more affairs in your future if he doesn't do a better job.

Please take the time to read this article: When to Call It Quits

You may or may not be able to salvage the relationship you have with your husband. Your efforts this far have been ineffective. Know there is a great plan to turn any marriage around if both spouses are willing to work on their side of the fence-so- to- speak. You can only control yourself and your actions. Whether your husband treats you with love and respect or not you have to live with yourself. Seeking an affair will not help you. Best to look straight in the eye of the situation you are in with your husband, lay out all the cards, and make an effort to make a thoughtful request for your husband to show love and respect towards you with a willingness to show like-wise. Yes, you'll need to reveal the on-line interaction and near physical interaction with this old friend. This has become your moment to work this out in a much more effective way or let the relationship go.

Read all you can on this site and reference the books available. The time you take will help you in any future relationship---hopefully with your husband! Listen o MB radio too. And if you like you can write to Dr Harley on his radio show. All these efforts will help you feel good about yourself and help you learn how to be a better spouse and what a terrific romantic relationship can be.

Many of us did not get the modeling to know how to make a romantic relationship last past the wedding ceremony. This program is just that!

Whatever you decide about your marriage, stay away from Facebook man. He has not been a good person. He hoped to take advantage of you at a vulnerable time, thinking your unhappiness with marriage would afford him uncommitted sex. You see how he faded away when you wouldn't get physical.

Don't date again, or look for male friendships until after a divorce. Any man who is OK with your having a husband is not a good guy for you!

As well as telling your husband, insist that the program, insist that the plan here for recovery from an affair is used and a romantic marriage created.

This program would address all the problems you mention if your husband was willing.

Thank you for the feedback. Sadly at this point i am not sure if this is fixable anymore. He agreed to see his family over christmas, and i came to see mine separately. It us hurtful when you tell your husband issues with the family and he chooses not to try and fix them

Are you kidding? You are an unfaithful wife and you are here posting about this. Dear lord I wish you were kidding.

No i am not kidding. I never met up with the guy i mentioned previously, but planned to tell him we were talking at some point. He does not know that yet.

He needs and deserves to know right now. This is his life you are screwing with also and he has a right to know the truth. You already messed things up with your choices but at least be honest enough to tell your husband what his life really is.

He will be crushed, but if you are sincere , you will work with him to be in love with each other again.

BTW jl, Merry Christmas. You and your husband really are in my prayers.

I am a betrayed husband.

Had my wayward wife come to me and told me that she had done what you explained in your first post I would have been shocked. Shocked into realizing what I'd been doing to her.

I have had many issues with snapping at my wife in the past. I didn't see it as snapping at her but, she did and I didn't recognize it. My wife never told me how distant she had come to feel from me until her affair convinced her to ask me for divorce.

She asked for divorce before I discovered the affair and it completely changed my perspective on how I had treated her. I changed habits, almost overnight, that my wife had been trying to get me to change for years. Her feelings, explained to me calmly, and the extreme action she was now willing to take was enough to finally wake me up.

I don't know if your husband will react the way I did but that is up to him. The right thing is to tell him what has happened and how you feel. Don't get angry, tell him calmly. The truth is the only real way out. If he stays or doesn't, its up to him. MB has great resources that can see the two of you through this troubled time and help you to create a great marriage.

You should feel lucky that you didn't go through with a physical affair. An emotional affair is not much better though. I think it will be easier for you to find your way through guilt and for him to find a way past resentment since you stopped before your betrayal became physical.

Good luck. Merry Christmas.

I appreciate your thoughts, and what i did was wrong, i am not saying it wasn't, but my point is he doesn't know any of this and has ignored my requests for a year now of wanting to fix things, and the things i would like him to work on fixing like talking to his family about the things that crush me, such as feeling awkward around all of them due to his brother ignoring me for reasons unknown to me, have been completely ignored. These are things that have crushed me for a year now feeling he does not care about our marriage, and constantly ignoring my feelings.

Even if i never spoke to that guy, our marriage would still be strained right now. I don't believe he is totally innocent in this situation, nor do i think i am.

You can't move forward UNLESS and UNTIL you tell your husband the truth. A marriage can't be repaired based on a lie. So, telling him the truth must come first. You can't ethically ask him to "work on" the marriage while hiding an affair. He may choose to leave the marriage and that is his right.

You seem to think that the affair was his fault but the reason the affair happened is because you have very poor boundaries around men. If you had practiced appropriate boundaries, it would have never happened.

What you did is horrible and inexcusable and your H must be told right away. That is step one in recovery, not step 3 or 10.

Step #1 is telling him the TRUTH. Once you do that, come back here and we can help you with next steps. But nothing can happen here until you do that.

JL, your marriage has problems like most do. You insist on focusing on your betrayed husbands failings but do not want to own up to or repair your own. Until you own up to your unfaithfulness and commit to radical honesty by admitting this to your poor betrayed husband, your marriage will continue to degrade.

Once you are honest with him you can begin to build something new and wonderful.

I have every intention of telling him about it, but what i am saying is he needs to work on things also. It isn't all one way. Also me and this guy never did anything. I think some here are referring to an affair being emotional, but i just wanted to clear it up that we didn't get physical because some seem to be indicating they think we did, but it was an emotional affair.

You have to tell him what happened. It is impossible to make your marriage better if you don't tell him. It might be impossible if you do tell him. It's not up to you at this point.

Telling him about this may be the thing that does get him to confront his family about how they treat you. It may be the thing that gets him to want to fix things. On the other hand, it may make him want a divorce.

So the options are:

Confess: maybe recover your marriage and make it better than it ever was or, he can't forgive and he wants a divorce.

Keep Hiding: remain in an unhappy marriage until you want a divorce.

The way I see it, you have nothing to lose by confessing or you can waste your time and his by keeping your dirty secret.