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I am at or heading towards (hopefully) recovery stage now. It has been 95 days since D-Day. I am married 6 years, blended family, boys both grown, jobs and moved out. Affair happened thru a hobby, of which I have completely cut ties to the social circles involved in it. Changed my number, changed jobs, working on moving away, blocked email, took myself off all social sites, passwords given and emails monitored by BS. I saw the affair for what it was before I could get out of it (PA went on for 5 months). X lover controlling who made no promises to leave, and I was looking to get out of it quickly when X lover's BS found out, exposed the affair and me and my BS have been concentrating on our marriage thru the foundations of this website/books.
Problem we are facing is every now and again (we think) either the X lover or X lover BS is sending messages thru email, text, any sites they are not blocked on. Whoever it is keeps changing their email addresses, and spoofing landline phone numbers to get a rude message through. We worry that exposure may have backfired bc now all the ex-hobby friends know and it could be them messing with us. It hurts. I feel these emails are taking me back to Day 1; a stab and just ruining the progress we are making on our marriage.
X lover BS not only interested in informing my job, but my BS job as well (these were threats-not actually done that we know of). We have not threatened to do this to them. X lover BS is unemployed, one income household. All their immediate family members dead, one grown son (moved away) and grown daughter (estranged-doesn't talk to Dad over suspected molestation case with him-stepdad involved when she was a toddler).

We will continue to work on getting better, but these distractions are a setback.
What to do now?

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Hi lsl, welcome to Marriage Builders. How is your husband faring? IT is great that you ended the affair and have come clean. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? Here is the checklist from SAA for extraordinary precautions. How would say you are doing on this checklist?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by lsl
I am at or heading towards (hopefully) recovery stage now. It has been 95 days since D-Day. I am married 6 years, blended family, boys both grown, jobs and moved out. Affair happened thru a hobby, of which I have completely cut ties to the social circles involved in it. Changed my number, changed jobs, working on moving away, blocked email, took myself off all social sites, passwords given and emails monitored by BS. I saw the affair for what it was before I could get out of it (PA went on for 5 months). X lover controlling who made no promises to leave, and I was looking to get out of it quickly when X lover's BS found out, exposed the affair and me and my BS have been concentrating on our marriage thru the foundations of this website/books.
Problem we are facing is every now and again (we think) either the X lover or X lover BS is sending messages thru email, text, any sites they are not blocked on. Whoever it is keeps changing their email addresses, and spoofing landline phone numbers to get a rude message through. We worry that exposure may have backfired bc now all the ex-hobby friends know and it could be them messing with us. It hurts. I feel these emails are taking me back to Day 1; a stab and just ruining the progress we are making on our marriage.
X lover BS not only interested in informing my job, but my BS job as well (these were threats-not actually done that we know of). We have not threatened to do this to them. X lover BS is unemployed, one income household. All their immediate family members dead, one grown son (moved away) and grown daughter (estranged-doesn't talk to Dad over suspected molestation case with him-stepdad involved when she was a toddler).

We will continue to work on getting better, but these distractions are a setback.
What to do now?
Welcome to MB.

I don't think you really have blocked all avenues of contact. You must have the same email addresses if these people can get through on them, and you must have the same phone number. Why haven't you changed these?

I'm not sure why you've posted about unwanted messages on this site. It is not really difficult to block these, and if you think they are threatening or abusive you should go to the police.

I can't help but think that there is some other issue behind your question; something to do with your marriage, rather than with unwanted text messages. What is the real issue here?


BW
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His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Use the court system for both of you to place a Resraining Order against both of them and make sure you save ALL documentation as evidence for the filing of the charges and the quick judicial hearing.

Also, if as you say, you and your BH followed all of the guidelines in SAA, then all of those people you are now concerned about finding out via the former AP and his BS should know about the affair already, which would minimize any potential impact they are trying to provoke.

Who was the Affair exposed to initially?

LTL

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Why don't you change your email?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I left the email open so I could apply for another job instead of closing it right away. Lesson learned, and passing the email over to BS now. Hope now with new job I can close the account now.

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don't think you really have blocked all avenues of contact. You must have the same email addresses if these people can get through on them, and you must have the same phone number. Why haven't you changed these? Left the email and phone on to apply for new job, and now that there is a new job I am working on changing the number, closing the email.

I'm not sure why you've posted about unwanted messages on this site. It is not really difficult to block these, and if you think they are threatening or abusive you should go to the police.

Once I block an email address, a brand-new one is used...and the pattern goes on...I don't know if it is X lover, BS, or someone else...it keeps changing, and I keep blocking...they also make up emails and have accused me of creating the emails (turning tables)

I can't help but think that there is some other issue behind your question; something to do with your marriage, rather than with unwanted text messages. What is the real issue here?
Real issue is we want to Recover....and to be left alone by THEM.

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Originally Posted by lsl
Once I block an email address, a brand-new one is used...and the pattern goes on...I don't know if it is X lover, BS, or someone else...it keeps changing, and I keep blocking...they also make up emails and have accused me of creating the emails (turning tables)
Who are they? How do you know this?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Use the court system for both of you to place a Restraining Order against both of them and make sure you save ALL documentation as evidence for the filing of the charges and the quick judicial hearing.

Can't they turn around and do the same thing to us? We do not have enough proof to know who is sending the emails, it could be them, or it could be the many friends doing it. Not sure if I can take out a restraining order on all of them without proof. Also months have passed. A restraining order has to be done right away. They are not threats, just digs, sarcasm..

Also, if as you say, you and your BH followed all of the guidelines in SAA, then all of those people you are now concerned about finding out via the former AP and his BS should know about the affair already, which would minimize any potential impact they are trying to provoke.

Who was the Affair exposed to initially?
Exposed to my BS, by X lover BS. She hacked his email and copied emails over.

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Originally Posted by lsl
Once I block an email address, a brand-new one is used...and the pattern goes on...I don't know if it is X lover, BS, or someone else...it keeps changing, and I keep blocking...they also make up emails and have accused me of creating the emails (turning tables)...

...Real issue is we want to Recover....and to be left alone by THEM.
What I meant was what I said first: you can change your own email addresses and phone numbers. It is really very simple. I still don't understand why you are posting about something technical, that has such a simple solution, here on a marriage building site.

How have "they" accused you of creating the emails? To whom have they made this accusation?

If you don't know whether it is your exOM or his wife, then why are you accusing them of sending these messages?


BW
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Originally Posted by lsl
Once I block an email address, a brand-new one is used...and the pattern goes on...I don't know if it is X lover, BS, or someone else...it keeps changing, and I keep blocking...they also make up emails and have accused me of creating the emails (turning tables)

I agree the solution is to cancel your email address. That way no one can get through, especially the OM. All avenues should be shut down anyway.

Quote
What is the real issue here?
Real issue is we want to Recover....and to be left alone by THEM.

With all due respect, the OM's wife wanted to be left alone by you. She didn't invite you into her marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Who are they? They are either the X Lover, and the BS, or one of the friends in the social group who were exposed to the affair.

How do you know this? Nobody has my BS email except me and my X lover and X lover BS.

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Originally Posted by lsl
Can't they turn around and do the same thing to us? We do not have enough proof to know who is sending the emails, it could be them, or it could be the many friends doing it. Not sure if I can take out a restraining order on all of them without proof. Also months have passed. A restraining order has to be done right away. They are not threats, just digs, sarcasm..
So you don't know who is sending you these emails, but you want to blame OM's wife. Why is that?

The solution is really simple. There is no need for a restraining order, which you certainly won't get if you have no proof of who is sending the messages.

Change your contact details!


BW
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2 kids.
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What is the real issue here?
Real issue is we want to Recover....and to be left alone by THEM.

With all due respect, the OM's wife wanted to be left alone by you. She didn't invite you into her marriage.

I understand that, and realize he stalked me, and contacted me. It is X lover's fault as well as mine. Actually, it is everybody's fault; we did nothing to affair proof our marriage. Which is why I am here...to Rebuild

It is hard to rebuild, but I will get rid of the emails and numbers now that I have found a new job.

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Originally Posted by lsl
...Once I block an email address, a brand-new one is used...
Change your email address, lsl. It's not rocket science. Do you want your affair partner to be able to contact you, or not? If the answer is 'not', then change your address. Change your phone number. Do this for your spouse, as well as for yourself. I did it after my affair. You can, too.

Originally Posted by lsl
...I saw the affair for what it was before I could get out of it (PA went on for 5 months). ...
Was your affair partner holding you at gunpoint? Had you been kidnapped? If the answer to those two questions is 'no,' then I'd suggest not using this sort of language, and would suggest self-examining your thinking behind it.

Your affair lasted as long as you chose to stay in it. Not a day more, and not a day less. Kudos to you for finally seeing the light, but from the words you used here ("before I could get out of it"), it seems to me that you still haven't fully faced up to the fact that every day one stays in an affair is a matter of one's own choice.

Yes, I do understand the sense of feeling "trapped" in something one knows is wrong, when one is in an affair; but in reality, that isn't really being trapped, so much as it is being fearful of the consequences of ending it & of fessing up and/or of being found out. You weren't trapped in your affair. You were afraid of the consequences of leaving it & having it become known. You didn't really choose to face those consequences... until you simply found out one day that you were going to have to face them anyway.

Your spouse isn't going to be able to feel safe in your marriage before you fully face & own the choices you've made. That will give your spouse hope that you can and may make better choices going forward, and help clear the way for the two of you to rebuild. If you don't identify & acknowledge your bad choices, what's to give your spouse any sense of confidence that you can learn to make better ones in the future? Please think on this.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Originally Posted by lsl
Who are they? They are either the X Lover, and the BS, or one of the friends in the social group who were exposed to the affair.

How do you know this? Nobody has my BS email except me and my X lover and X lover BS.
So change yours and your BH's email.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Also, have you been tested for STDs?

Did you send a NC Letter to the OM?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Hi lsl, welcome to Marriage Builders. How is your husband faring? IT is great that you ended the affair and have come clean. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? Here is the checklist from SAA for extraordinary precautions. How would say you are doing on this checklist?

BS is doing as well as can be expected. We do have the book Surviving An Affair: we read it to each other every night after taking a week off work (all we could afford). Great book! Which is why I am here.

We have followed the checklists, the fog is well over, and letting it all die down...

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Originally Posted by lsl
I understand that, and realize he stalked me, and contacted me. It is X lover's fault as well as mine. Actually, it is everybody's fault; we did nothing to affair proof our marriage. Which is why I am here...to Rebuild

Well, he might have stalked you, but you allowed him in your life and intruded on HER marriage. I am glad you are here to rebuild, but you asked for this. The betrayed spouses did not.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I understand that, and realize he stalked me, and contacted me. It is X lover's fault as well as mine. Actually, it is everybody's fault; we did nothing to affair proof our marriage. Which is why I am here...to Rebuild

Well, he might have stalked you, but you allowed him in your life and intruded on HER marriage. I am glad you are here to rebuild, but you asked for this. The betrayed spouses did not.

You do realize He ruined HER marriage too.

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