Jedi Knight - My wife has been to several doctors over the years. All they seem to know how to do is prescribe birth control pills even though her hormone levels are normal. Everything else is normal as well. Let's get over this - she has NO health issues.

Gamma - My wife does not flirt with anyone. No glances, looks, motions, or even thoughts or dreams. None.

My wife's second life is her work. She works with mostly seniors as an occupational therapist, which she enjoys and really puts her heart into. Many of her former patients come back to see her because they all love her. As I have said, she is the best person I know. There is no possibility that she has any other kind of second life. There is simply not enough time in a day for that to be possible.

MrEureka - Please stop wasting my time.

For the last time - There is NOTHING wrong with my wife. Every emphasis seems to be on increasing my wife's sex drive. She has NONE. Never had it, never will.

Now, how do I decrease mine sex drive? I'm not going to start drinking heavily, or start smoking. I'm not going to do anything that is unhealthy or dishonorable to my wife.

Does anyone have any ideas that don't focus on my wife.

Hi-I don't post a lot here, but wanted to chime in on this one....

I have a friend who is asexual (friend is a male). It is a real thing. His sexual identity was confirmed by more than one experienced sex therapist. Like many gay people say, he knew he was different from the time he was a small child. I've known him since high school and he was always different that way....he just gave off a different energy than most people do. He's a warm, social, person...just not at all sexual.

Not sure which type of doctors your wife has been to, but I would be sure to see a qualified sex therapist that is familiar with this to be absolutely sure that's what's going on. But I acknowledge it's a very real thing that a lot of people are doubtful of. There are also a number of folks in the asexual community who thought they were and then later found out something else was going on.

That being said, one of the key philosophies of the Marriage Builders program is to meet each other's emotional needs. I'm not sure that trying to reduce or ignore your needs is the answer? If she really is asexual, wouldn't that be kind of like a gay person trying to be married to a straight one?

I agree that when I am most fit and active (including training for a 100 mile bike ride), my sex drive is at its highest. Have you tried meditation?

My wife and I were discussing this group last night. She said something that I thought may help some of you understand her better. She remembered telling a friend that she would have married me whether I was a man or a woman. She loves me for who I am and what I do for her emotionally and physically but not sexually. She had a "normal" childhood. No drama. She simply has no sexuality.

If your goal is to reduce sex drivrle then you likely need to seek medical intervention, since you want to do repress normal biology. I don't know of any programs designed to reduce drive for this reason.

JenDee - I don't want to change who I am, just take it down a notch or two. My wife has always been willing to satisfy my needs, I just want to reduce the workload a little for her. We're in our late forties and my sex drive hasn't slackened. My wife's physical energy is not the same as when we were in our mid twenties. I am using up a higher percentage of her energy every year.

Have you read the article Willingness to desire from Dr. Harley? If you read the whole thing I think you will see a lot of similarities.

It is important to realize that it is not neccesary for each spouse to have the same emotional needs.
From a MB perspective it is not highly relevant if the spouse has a desire to meet the need of the other spouse. You learn to meet your spouse's most important needs in a way that is pleasant for you as well, because if the need meeting were unpleasant, you would eventually stop doing that.

As long as your wife has no sexual aversion, in which case you should follow the directions in Dr. Harleys article on that subject you should spend at least 15 hours of undivided attention together where you talk intimately and have fun (policy of undivided attention)
Such a date should incorporate the 4 intimate emotional needs: recreational companionship, intimate conversation, affection, and sexual fulfillment.

This means that you will only have a sexual experience with your wife after having had 2-3 hours of romantic date with intimate conversation. In that way, she will feel emotionally connected to you and will be willing to meet your emotional need. She does not have to desire sex in itself as you do and women typically value the connection and intimacy with their husbands even more than sex in itself.


How do you spend the alone time you and your wife spend together?
How often do you spend time alone with your wife?

Actually, I wanted to ask if you wife is/was on the pills - and you already answered that. Contraceptive pills mess up with women hormones and usually reduce libido and trigger weight gain...

Probably, you together would consider to get off them as you can use other methods for non-frequent SFs.

Regarding reducing your libido, there are drugs/supplements which can help with that but you should discuss it with your doctor - they might have side effects as well.

From my experience, very stressful job can help

happyheart - Other than my wife being asexual and me being a typical male, our relationship is extraordinarily good. We understand each others emotional needs very well. That's the main reason she has worked so hard through the years to satisfy me sexually. We were hoping that at some point may sex drive would start to go down but I'm almost 50 and as motivated as ever. Her sex drive is constant, NONE. We are very often connected emotionally, never sexually. We usually spend about an hour a day together in bed, as we get up and go to bed, and anywhere from 0 to 3 hours daily together as a family. Less during the week, more on the weekends.

We are going to try a couple dietary things and an herb that is supposed to help reduce the size of the prostate. Reducing testosterone seems to be the only consensus from the medical sites. We'll see.

Dr. Harley recommends spending time together during 4-hour dates out of the home, because the home is filled with distracting things (the washing machine beeping etc.).
After having had the date with lots of one-on-one need meeting, you will predictably end the date in bed. Your wife will feel connected to you and you caressing her in a way that you like she likes and having sex in a way that is bonding and mutually satisfying will not feel like work, becaus her needs have been met and she feels close to you.

This means that regardless of the presence or absence of a genuine sex "drive" which many women have not, you will have a good experience. There is no need to avoid having sex, because it is not something which comes natural for her. For many men it does not come natural to talk with a woman in a way she finds enjoyable, but they do it anyway because it is important for their wife.

Also, many men would rather roll over and fall asleep after sex, but don't because their wives need to be held close to feel bonded and not "used".

I would not focus on lowering your sex drive, but on making the sex act part of an exciting and loving experience on an evening where both spouses get their needs met in a way that is pleasant for both.

Also, as an MD I know several medications that will lower your sex drive, but I do not feel that medication would be appropriate in cases where a person is not suffering from a medical condition.

SugarCane,

I wanted to respond to your question but did not have the time, or want to major threadjack, will respond possibly Monday on my moribund thread.

Gamma

I will leave you with this one last comment to consider.

Here is my fear for you:

You will go to a great effort to suppress your EN for SF, enduring a great sacrifice in the belief that you are helping your wife have a happier life. Then you will get the shock of your life someday when someone else comes along who better understands what your wife really needs and finds a way to make those love bank deposits by satisfying those needs that you think don't exist. Impossible, you say? It has happened more times than I can count.

But it is your life and your marriage. Good luck.

MrEureka - The stuff your talking about may be common in your life but does not apply to our particular situation. ****edit*****

Ideas to reduce your sex drive.

Do you view porn?

Perhaps you could reduce your sex drive by purposefully NOT looking at any pornographic images whatsoever and allowing your wife full key-logger access to your computer and electronic devices to hold you accountable.

Also, if you self satisfy sometimes you should stop that as well. Constantly thinking about sex and masturbation actually increases your libido.

Both porn and masturbation make the sex you do have with your wife LESS gratifying.

If your mind wanders to sex whenever you see or view an attractive women, you should remove yourself from situations where you may see an attractive woman.

Watch television programing that doesn't include any images which arouse sexual desires in you. If you find yourself looking at cheerleaders on the sidelines of football games then perhaps don't even watch such sports.

It would be impossible for any woman to have a sexual response in these circumstances.

Your time together is spent either in bed or as a family.

Has she ever complained about your sex drive?

DGZ: Some things jump out after reading some of your posts. First, what are you and your wife's physical appearance? Are any of you overweight? Does your wife have self esteem issues? Will she undress in front of you? Secondly, She should try going to a good sex therapist. Also, she may need estrogen, which would help her sex drive. Believe it or not, I've heard about women who took testosterone and turned from asexual to thinking about sex 24/7. I think there are answers, but you both need to seek out every option.

MrWondering - I don't look at porn but I have looked at it and masturbated much more frequently in the past. You are right. It just made me want more.

I avoid looking at women I find attractive primarily because, whether my wife is there or not, it's disrespectful to her as well as the woman I would be staring at.

We watch very little television.

Indiegirl - That's all the available free time we have. Any additional time would have to come from sleep time and that, for obvious reasons, could never work.