She says alot of the same things that this site says. She has even mentioned moving but of course I shot that down and she dosent dwell on it. Instead she helps us learn to put the boundaries in place and helps us recognize Where we have trouble putting the boundaries.
She has opened my eyes alot on things.

Pull the other one.

We've been Betrayed too. We know how you feel about her.

She's taken as much from you as she's ever going to get!

She's not taking your turf away from you too!

We all felt that way. But don't paint this as forgiving the unrepentant whore who is still gunning for you when it's actually a stubborn and senseless defense of the territory you feel she invaded.

You'll go down in flames rather than retreat strategically.

The person who only has experience wrecking marriages and has no education or experience saving marriages says:


A clinical psychologist, with 40 years experience, author of Surviving of An Affair who has saved thousands of marriages says:
Who is the most likely to "create a path" that will work for you?

Then what is your MC's plan for dealing with the infidelity? What boundaries?

Is forgiving OW a topic of discussion with the MC?

This is like "setting boundaries" for drunk driving. This is why Dr. Harley keeps issues like this on the front burner and will not move on to step two until you have completed step one. It just gives you the illusion that you are saving your marriage.

It is a good way to keep you coming and paying her for her services, but it won't save your marriage.

I called her a whore in the beginning I no longer have that feeling and I call her by name now. I am sorry if you guys still have the hate in your heart because that dosent do anything but hurt you not the other person. You can not go on thinking because this path you chose to take helped you, so it will help everyone else. What exactly is the percentage rate of success with mb? I'm sure it's not 100% I'm sure it's low just like the rest. They all pretty much do the same thing.

Hope it's OK to bring this up from the weekend forum. But I've actually seen this answered.

That is silly. You don't have to "forgive" someone to release hate.

Nor do you know the "path" for recovery. You have not recovered your marriage and we have. You are the fat person who is lecturing the thin, healthy people about how to recover a marriage.


What is your percentage? Wouldn't it be 0%?

That's a pretty big assumption you're making.

I don't call the OW in my situation that name because I have no idea what she is up to these days. She may be a fully remorseful missionary.

If she is, it's because I did everything in my power to slay the evil that existed. I did not continue the turf war which would be an enormous temptation and red flag of challenge to any OW.

I am incredibly happy and free of resentment. Read my thread before you judge me.

I am adding an article about the success rate of Marriage Builders, however, I don't believe that means anything to you because you are opting for your own plan and you have a ZERO percent success rate.

Effective Marriage Counseling:

When I found that the model I've developed had helped over 90% of those I was counseling, I gave up my career as a college professor and started counseling full-time. At the time, I didn't assume that it would save all of the marriages it seemed to help, because I felt there were factors beyond a couple's control. But after 35 years of experience with this model, I'm not convinced that it works with 100% of couples who follow it. I've yet to witness one couple out of the tens of thousands I've seen, that did not experience a healthy and happy marriage by following this model. Personally, I feel it's the only answer to the question, how can a couple have a great marriage for life?

But it's very difficult to prove that one model of marital satisfaction is superior to another. The ultimate test is to randomly assign couples to various models and to measure their marital satisfaction after the provisions of each model have been implemented.

The training of therapists is a huge problem: How can we be sure that the therapist assigned to each model was properly trained? And there's also the problem of representation and random assignment: Does the group of volunteer couples represent the population at large? And is the assignment to treatment groups really random? There's also the ethical problem of assigning couples to a control group where they receive no effective treatment. When they divorce, does the researcher bear any responsibility? Finally, if someone who has a stake in the outcome does the research, it usually shows that their approach is best. Shouldn't studies of alternative models of marital satisfaction be conducted by those neutral to the outcome?

My own personal experience led me to the model I've been using for the past 35 years. But that's not proof of it's superiority over other models. What I need is objective studies conducted by those who have no bias that compare this model to others. That's hard to find even among those who have published hundreds of articles on martial therapy.

But I can direct you to three studies that support my enthusiasm. They all deal with my book, His Needs, Her Needs, the popular application of my model, and the effect it has on couples that read it.

The readers of Marriage Partnership Magazine were asked which self-help book on marriage helped their marriages the most. In that survey, His Needs, Her Needs came out on top. I didn't know that the survey was even being conducted, so when I called the editor after the results came in, I was curious to know more. He told me that it not only was the top choice, but it was far ahead of second place (Ron R. Lee. Best Books for a Better Marriage: Reader's Survey . Marriage Partnership Magazine, Spring 1998).

In a national survey that I sponsored, people were asked if any self-help book on marriage solved their marital problems. Out of 57 books that were read, only three were reported to have actually solved marital problems. The three were the Bible, James Dobson's Love for a Lifetime, and His Needs, Her Needs (Lynn Hanacek Gravel. Americans and Marriage: National Survey of US Adults. Barna Research Group, 2001).

Finally, five out of six couples that read His Needs Her Needs were found to experience significant improvement in marital satisfaction (Julie D. Braswell. The Impact of Reading a Self-Help Book on the Topic of Gender Differences on One's Perceived Quality of Marriage. Doctoral Dissertation, 1998, Azusa Pacific University.

Granted, these findings are not conclusive evidence that the model I use is superior to every other model of marital satisfaction. But when you find one that works for every couple that actually follows it, you have to be impressed. And coming as I did from almost zero effectiveness to almost complete success, I can't begin to tell you how convinced I am that it's the solution to a very difficult problem we face in our society.

The name most certainly applies in your case though. She's not repentant at all.

HBL, if you are not going to use the Marriage Builders program, then why are you here wasting our time? Do you need our approval? I don't think you do. Just reject our advice and move on. There is no need to stay here and try to convince us. You don't need our approval.

I am trying to delete my profile. I don't know how.

Just stop posting and it will sink.

WOW and thank you for the insult of what I must have in my heart when offering you help.


I am leaving this thread since you are so rude and adamant that your plan is the way to go. Go luck to you and your serial cheater husband.

Is it okay if we go on thinking that 100% of the marriages we've seen here that deviated from this route failed? Or do you need to tell us what to think about our own experiences?


100% of marriages I've seen here where a spouse maintained any sort of contact with a former affair partner failed.


Not at all. One important difference between Marriage Builders and other programs is that MB creates or restores the feeling of romantic love. Most other counselors and programs teach that that feeling of being in love fades over time and you can't get it back.

Romantic Love: Is it a Realistic Goal for Marital Therapy?

There are a lot of other differences. Most programs teach some sort of stages of marriage where eventually you learn to lower your expectations and coexist independently, whereas Marriage Builders teaches you how to meet each other's expectations and be united and interdependent.

Why would a site allow that? Most message boards I've been on don't allow you to go delete important pieces of board history like that.

For example, Slashdot, which has been around since 1997, has this in its FAQ

http://slashdot.org/faq/index.shtml

Please read Cutting Corners and the MB Program

Since you like to "research", did you read the false recovery thread?

I don't see what "hate in your heart" has to do with moving.

I also don't believe you can read minds and tell what is in people's hearts.