So as a purely academic discussion, I was thinking about the thought process of a counselor who has advised another poster that she needed to "release the hate from her heart" and forgive the other woman who also happens to live in the same neighborhood.

Of course there is the advice here given by Dr Harley to eliminate contact with an affair partner for life which of course is pretty much impossible due to the proximity.

But there was another thread of persuasion that revolved around the idea that the BW herself would be triggered by the mere presence / seeing / hearing about the OW.

So I went looking for what this possible advice could be and I found a series of articles based around the idea of "A Process To Find Healing For Personal Trigger Points". I believe this is along the lines of what was being advised to this particular poster by her counselor and was wondering why that actually wouldn't work?

The final step in the process described was :

�Forgive the other participant(s)
�Forgive yourself for your original role in your pain
�Forgive yourself for perpetuating your pain

One quote was this:

"
If a person really bought into that idea and believed it, would that really allow them not to trigger over something like, say an OW living in the same neighborhood?

Is the psychology of that just fundamentally flawed somehow?

I'd post a link to the article but not sure that's allowed.

Anyway, just an academic exercise if someone has the time and wants to comment.

I sent an email a while ago to Dr H asking about forgiving the OW. Dr Harley's response was awesome as always. I don't have the link, maybe someone can put it up for you. I sent the email on 9/19 and I think the email was responded the following week.

Basically what Dr. Harley said is that you forgive someone you wish to restore a relationship with. In this case you are better off with NC to OW, so there is no need to forgive. Sure you have to let go off your hurt but that is only achieved by just compensation.

I do understand the idea of no contact. I'm purposely ignoring the no contact provision as it's non-debatable in my book.

But suppose the person just decided to "forgive" the person in their own heart without contacting them? Could one really get to the place where they were not affected emotionally by the proximity of the OW?

Asked another way, I've always heard to just avoid triggers in the first place. I guess it never occurred to me that people might be advised to "get over" them.

Here it is Radio Clip of Alada's Question on Forgiving OW

This premise misses the whole dynamic of an affair. That would be like telling an alcoholic to just "get over" his alcohol addiction and keep drinking. An affair is an addiction just the same as alcohol. So seeing the OW every day is the same as having a drink. Living in the same neighborhood is the equivalence of going into the bar every day, so the affair is top of mind at all times. That is the greatest problem with living right by an OP.

As far as the BS experience, it would be like living next to your rapist. Every day you would be reminded of your rape. Adultery is a greater crime, of course, so the reminder would be worse. All the fake "forgiveness" will not wipe out one's bad memories.

And in the case of an affair, "forgiveness" is not appropriate or necessary. It is just a silly, feel good step that is harmful to recovery. The purpose of "forgiveness" is reconciliation and obviously one should not continue reconcile with the OP. The OP should be removed from the marriage completely. One does not have to go through a fake forgiveness in order to release "hate" from their heart.

The issue here is not "forgiveness" but a matter of staying in the environment that led to the affair. Obviously, an alcoholic cannot continue to drink and hang out in the bar and expect to sober up. Neither can an adulterer withdraw living next to his girlfriend.

I don't think doing a fake, one-way "forgiveness" will erase feelings of tragedy and sorrow brought on the presence of a rapist. I can chant "I forgive, I forgive, I forgive, I forgive" and that will never erase my bad feelings about my XH. What erased my bad feelings was removing him from my life.

But chanting "I forgive, I forgive, I forgive, I forgive" is not a magical recipe to wipe out feelings of tragedy and sorrow.

Do we imagine that saying "I forgive, I forgive, I forgive, I forgive" has magical properties?

Agree with all that Mel posted but wanted to touch on this^^^. This is just crap IMO. You don't know if the other person harmed you because "they were in great pain of their own." Some people are are just messed up, selfish and don't care...their supposed pain has nothing to do with it. And even if they were in some sort of pain, depending on the severity of the hurt/damage they inflicted, I wouldn't care about their pain. It would be an excuse.

This makes the assumption that all people are decent. Some aren't.

]
This is a psychobabble illusion that enablers concoct to make it easier to accept the unacceptable. Misplaced compassion gives power to evil.

The OP should become a distant memory if you heal properly.

Im always highly suspicious of the advice to forge a forgiving relationship with a stranger.

Now in my case, she was a good friend, but obviously she is a stranger today.

I don't give any more thought to her sins (which I hope are over) than I do the sins of many other strangers in the world. Indeed any dwelling WOULD keep hate alive.

It's crazy to suggest the victim has any responsibility. It's the sinners responibilty to find forgiveness.

The web is alive with this kind of victim blaming hokum and it is repulsive.

Well I should point out that in this case the OW was a best friend as well.

In the case we are talking about, the WH is a serial cheat. He is out trolling for trouble. What happens is he trash talks his W to other women (and everybody else apparently) and uses that as an "in" with these other women. I don't think it really matters who actually which makes me wonder if this particular woman even matters at all as far as he is concerned.



This is the part that I was wondering about in this thread. People convince themselves of all sorts of stuff. I'm just wondering if they actually truly believe it if it works just because of that. There is all sorts of examples out there of that kind of thing. Waco Texas comes to mind.

Would it be OK to post the link to the article I'm talking about? I don't mean for it to be authoritative. It just sounds so good when laid out like that and wanted to examine it.

Nevermind. I haven't been modded yet so if this is against the TOS I apologize.

Healing from Emotional Triggers

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You walk away! Forgiveness involves walking TOWARDS.

Dear darling Pep's wisdom got me out of resentment's shadow. To her mountain analogy a few years back I posted





I don't miss thinking about the inner workings of OWs heart at all (would you bother for a house burglar? Or just move to a safer neighbourhood?)

But I do miss Pep and her wealth of experience.

Haha. I just got some insight into your user name. It just so happens we are watching Raiders of the Lost Ark this morning.

FTF, is this really the article you were talking about? It talks about "deep healing" - is it the one you intended? Is it meant to be read in conjunction with other articles? It does not mention the things you have raised here.

I think the one linked is terrible! It is the usual psychobabble about deep introspection, and the advice comes without any reason for why it is being suggested.

"From here you begin to repeat the process of asking how do I feel and why do I feel that way, about every emotion, reason, and new trigger that comes up as an answer.

This seems like a lot of work, and it is at first, but eventually you get really efficient at it and no longer even need to make note of every step. You also may eventually find that there are a lot less common denominators than you even realized. You might be triggered 50 ways by the same fundamental open wound.

A lot of people like to write a classic web, or flow chart, or write a journal or just take point form notes to complete this process. You can do whatever method works for you as long as you allow this process to take as much natural time as it needs. You might spend months pondering why you have a certain reaction. Or you might find that several answers come at once like falling dominoes. Allow the process to take the time it needs and allow yourself to stop and take a break from it if you become overwhelmed."

You're not seriously suggesting that this has any role to play I recovery from an affair, are you, FTF? People need to think about why they are triggered when they bump into someone with OP's name? They need to write a flow chart of complete a journal to get to the the root of the trigger? Seriously?

FTF, I know you know better than this! Why would you recommend this nonsense - from a "spiritual seeker" and stand-up comedian?

I certainly don't endorse the article. And I did zero research on the author. It was just at the top of the Google search I did. But it seemed to be in line with the type of advice being offered to the poster in question. Please don't think I believe this stuff. Recommended? Hardly.

This part (underlined) I just don't see. I don't see any similarity between the advice anywhere on this forum and that article, which is what made me ask whether you linked the correct one.

By discussing it and saying that it was similar to advice offered to a poster here, it sounded as if you were saying you were pleasantly surprised - but I apologise if I've misrepresented your position.