Yes

Yes

Very little. She doesn't want to be around me unless we're with the kids.

What is the list of EPs she has agreed to? Can you list them out?

Aside from not enough UA, it sounds like things are heading in the right direction. The UA time is extremely important though.

How long has she had no contact with OM?

WW says only sticking around as divorce is too expensive. Advice? I'm thinking I schedule a legal consultation ASAP as she'll do the same as soon as she finds the money.

Why would she agree to EPs if she was just biding her time waiting to divorce?

I wouldn't put too much weight on what she says. Lots of attorney's will do consultations for free. I'm not sure that filing for divorce is even that expensive if she really wants to do it.

You might consider having a consultation yourself but I would not let WW know about it.

WW now seems committed to ending the marriage. Found evidence that she's been frequenting the mother's house of the OM, where the OM was staying when OM's wife threw him out of the house. Even brought my kids over there for overnight visits while telling me they were elsewhere. But even before I found that evidence she said she would have already gone to a lawyer if it weren't so expensive.

We are in the same house now and although she threatened to leave, she hasn't yet. I told her I'm not leaving under any circumstances. She seems to be looking to me for guidance on how to proceed with divorce procedures without spending a lot of $. Keep in mind we are a single income household (I work full time, she is a stay at home mom). I told her that this is something she wants, not me, and she needs to figure it out on her own, then come back to me with a plan if ending the marriage is what she really wants. I was busting my butt to meet her EMs and end the LBs, but at this point I myself am starting to check out mentally. While I want to think there's hope, I don't see the point if she makes no moves to stay together.

Because she's been so deceitful both before and after she told me about the affair, I have little trust that she'll be fair or of sound mind if the two of us get a family law "joint" lawyer or file on our own without legal representation. Therefore I have an appointment of my own tomorrow with a lawyer that she does not know about. It's probably worth the consultation fee. I will then be prepared for whatever happens next.

So what happened to "affair is over so please don't ask me about that - just trust me"?

Don't even consider something like "amicable divorce". Intolerable that she would bring your kids around OM's family and lie to you about it. I'm sorry for you, I know how that feels.

I don't think you should "consult" with her about her plans for ending your marriage. If she wants to end it, it's her work and not yours. I don't think you should talk to her about divorce or separation. If she's really going to do it, she's going to do it. Don't help her make that decision. I have often been told: "when WW wants to talk divorce, you tell her that you will only talk about building a loving marriage but she must first end her affair".

Pete,

I'm curious to know what you've done so far.

You've said you have done exposure to a T, EPs, no contact letters, snoop, etc.

But what is happening suggests that these things haven't been done or half-measures. You give one word responses, no details, and then say things like "no contact, trust me" - only to come back and ignore that, saying it is still on.

So what is happening here?

I do not think you are being truthful with posters and they can't help you if they don't know what you are actually doing.

Venting will NOT save this marriage nor will it protect your interests if divorce happens.

You were right to call me out on that. I was in total denial.

What's happening here was that I was in denial about the fact that the affair might be continuing, and I understand that gets me nowhere on this site.

Not contact letter - sent but she didn't honor it
EP - agreed to by her but she wont honor it
Exposure - yes, to several friends and family that have been reaching out to her but she does not listen or twists their positive advice into what makes her happy.

She's still in the house with me, no talk since last weekend of her leaving. I told her I would not stand for her taking my kids to OM's mom's house, so maybe she is backing down on that plan. I told her yesterday that I would not assist is an amicable divorce and she said "that's what I needed to hear."

The OM's (soon to be) ex-wife is a loose cannon but may be my last hope. I've got to break up the affair somehow. Although she hates my wife for what she did, she may be willing to see my desire to save the marriage.

I think the motivation for OM's wife is not going to come from a desire to help you but a desire to hurt him or at least hold him accountable. I think she could really help though, especially with furthering exposure and pressure on his side.

Also as others have advised, I wouldn't trust a word your wife says right now. She's already broken the most important promise in her life, everything else is chump change while she's in the fog. People become highly irresponsible and self centered in the fog, they are capable of any treachery.

It appears our situations may be similar and you found out about the same time, how is your situation progressing?

The problem with OM's wife is that she is divorcing OM and I doubt they have much contact right now, but she may may have knowledge of OM's weak points I can attack.

You never know who will say what. OMs wife will know him better than any other person on the planet, including your wife. If she wants him to be uncomfortable, she will have the best recipe.

Veterans can give you better advice on how to approach this, but at minimum you need to make sure she's aware of everything about the affair you are aware of. You may even get important information from her when you compare notes. I'd also make sure she understands you are still trying to recover your marriage, though you are correct that she may not care to get involved. I would try anyways.

NEVER, EVER trust a wayward in the FOG. I hope you learned that important lesson.
Your wife is fogged out and will lie, cheat and steal to get her fix of the other man. It is very common for a wayward to promise no contact, go to counseling, etc as a stall tactic to get you off their back(it just happened to you).
Did you do a full exposure(how deep and far) did you tell the kids in an appropriate age way, have you used cheaterville?

I would leverage the OMW, at this point you have nothing to loose. As stated, she will know best his weaknesses.

Peter,

You need to focus. Right now you are going through hell, but you need to dig deep, and realize, that you are fighting for your family. Your WW is not herself right now. You need to understand that anything she tells you, is probably just to calm you down and shut you up.

The reason your wife is going to the OM�s Moms place, is because in the background, your wife and other man, are trying to figure out how they can be together. When you first posted on here, you mentioned that your wife wants to save the marriage. The problem is, the affair is still active, and when she tries to withdraw, it is too hard, and she jumps right back in.

Until the affair is exposed far and wide, and not just to selected targets, it will still thrive. You need to create havoc in the affair, all the while being the best husband and father you can be. When your wife is upset at what you have done, you calmly tell her that you are fighting for your marriage and family.

You really need to go at the OM, by exposing to all his friends and family, and his work. The OM�s BW can help you do this. She is hurt, and will be willing to help you.

I can tell from what you have posted previously, that you really love your family, and you don�t want to lose them. You need to understand, that your best chance at recovering this marriage, is to follow the advice of the veteran�s on this board. You need to take them very seriously when they tell you things that might not make sense to you at the time. They have seen thousands of cases like yours, and the pretty much know how it will play out. They know the things that will work.

Trying to focus. She won't stop the affair and now has a meeting with a lawyer Monday. There is one more wild card when it comes to exposure - her 92 year old grandmother who she trusts more than anyone (and is not in very good health). I did talk to the grandmother, and she only had very vague info on what happened (actually insinuated that I was having an affair!). So obviously WW gave her wrong info. At the time, I did not feel it was my place to tell grandma what really happened.

Question - is it nothing but an atom bomb if I tell grandma and try to enlist her help? Grandma may actually take her side, who knows. WW would absolutely go bonkers but again, NOTHING TO LOSE AT THIS POINT. Only fear is that WW gets so upset about me gelling grandma that she gets nasty in divorce proceedings.

I kept my XH's affairs secret from my mother for a long time because of her age. I deeply regret having done so, she was a tiger for me once she knew (in the end she guessed). People of that age have great wisdom, use it.


Everyone gets nasty in divorce proceedings. There is no such thing as a 'nice divorce'. Does not exist so no need for you to worry about that.

So, maybe you already explained this earlier, but does the OM work? Does he have any hobbies? Does he have any friends? It may be out of your comfort zone, but you need to make him feel the heat a little more. At this point, it doesn't matter if your wife gets upset about exposure. If you are unsuccessfull at causing conflict in their precious little fantasy affair world, then you will lose everything.

Tell the Grandma, and everyone else in your life. It was joked about in another thread, about hiring some kids or transients to show up by the OM's house carrying signs that say So and So is an adulterer, and is trying to destroy my family. Point is, it is time that he feels some discomfort for his actions.

It sound like the Grandma is an important person to her.

This is why Dr. Harley says to expose to key family members and to do it upfront and all in one sitting. Since you didn't expose to her and now your WW has spun her story.