OK. But there's no possibility of passion where there's no possibility of time.

Women take a looooooong time to warm up. Disengage from the family in order to be a romantic partner.

I would not settle for an unromantic relationship where you are just family, but if it suits you.....

MrBond - My wife has never "complained" but after a certain amount of time, or the third time in a week, she has obviously had enough. She is the most patient person I know but it really does nothing for her. She does it almost exclusively for my pleasure and her desire to please me. I would very much like to be able to please her but then we would never have sex. It literally does NOTHING for her personally.

Indiegirl - I've been over this many times now. There is no possibility for passion because my wife is asexual. There is no amount of warm-up, no romantic tips or tricks that will cause her to feel like having sex. It simply is not there.

You might settle for an unromantic relationship if you knew my wife. As I've said before, she is the kindest, sweetest person I know.

It may be hard to believe but there are more important things in life than sex.

It takes very little UA time for men to be in love. As long as you love her, you will desire her.

People enjoy a healthy sex drive well into their eighties if they remain in love.

You are trying to become her brother and it simply isn't possible.

Dr H has spoken to many women who never had sexual pleasure before. They all do now!

One of the things these women do is they have sex 'for' the man ultimately making it impossible to enjoy before starting. This is because a family is so important to them.

wenang - I am a big guy. 6' 230lb large frame. My ideal weight would be about 210lb so I am carrying a few extra pounds. I'm 49 and look about 45.

My wife is a former model and dancer (modern, not exotic). She is 5'8" 130lb on a curvy but not voluptuous frame. She is 46 and is often mistaken for a 30 year old.

My wife has self esteem issues due to her knowing she is "different". Ask any gay or lesbian you may know what that's like. My wife doesn't even fit in with them.

My wife's hormone levels have been tested. They are normal. I have seen the effect, and side effects, of giving testosterone to women. Pumping her full of hormones is not the answer.

indiegirl - For the last time. My wife has no sex drive. Never had it, never will. Google "asexual". It's much more common than you may think. At least open yourself up to the possibility or please stop replying. **EDIT**

Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist.

Wouldn't it be better to consult him than Google?

He has helped many asexual people.

A few things jump out on me here. It must be frustrating if you have the feeling that people are not hearing your point that your wife is asexual. That being said, you seem to have a fairly rigid opinion on the solution to your problem: lowering your own sex drive. It would be good if you would also consider alternative options to have a good marriage in spite of the difference in sexual desire between you and your wife.

Also, I find it concerning, that you say that you do not have more time for your marriage than what you have described below. My husband and I both work full time, have 5 children and still find more time than that. Maybe you can think again and be more creativ about it. Surely you and your wife do not work 112 hours a week, so you have only time to sleep?


Dr. Harley reccommends spending 15 hours a week together having fun, having good conversations etc. It is irrelevant if your wife is asexual, Asperger or has diabetes, the 15 hours are needed to create so many positive associations with the other person, that you will feel that you would rather spend time with your husband/wife than with anyone else in the world.
This goal cannot be reached by spending little time together, because you want an intimate relationship in every sense of the word.

I am sure that you are right, when you feel that having sex as a kind of gift to you is bothersome for your wife, under these circumstances. But spending many hours with her in a way that she likes, so she has a very enjoyable evening with sex as part of a well rounded event where her needs are being met, is something entirely different. Instead of her giving you the gift of sex, you would be happily giving each other attention, conversation, affection and sexual fulfillment in ways that are enjoyable for both. Irrespective of the fact if your need for conversation is as high as hers or her need for sex is there at all.

It is clear that you love your wife dearly, but trying to solve the problem that you have by tuning your sex drive down will not change the fact, that your wife will thrive when you give her the gift of undivided attention.
If finding time together is so bothersome, that is your biggest problem. You cannot cut corners with this one. In some way, you will have to carve out 15 hours of undivided attention for UA.

If you are somewhat convinced of your own standpoint, that may also be one of the points that play an unfavorable role in your marriage, especially when your wife is such an agreeable person as you describe. You will have to be very careful to find out exactly what she likes and you cannot let her agree reluctantly.

Dr. Harley has said that there are 3 ways to motivate people to do something in order of effectiveness:

- they enjoy the experience
- they enjoy the consequences of the experience
- they get punished if they do not do it

The last one is to be avoided.
This means that besides the UA time you spend together you have to make sure that
a. your wife has an enjoyable experience
b. you pay very close attention to her during and after the experience.

Here on the board you have not come across as very sensitive to the opinions of other people and it is very possible, that you do not know exactly what your wife likes and does not like in terms of affection and sexual experience. Even if she is as you say not naturally interested in sex at all, there will be ways she likes to be touched or not etc. In the past, you have tried to be an attentive partner, I am sure, but you have also taken what she has given you without real enthusiasm and she may not have been honest with you about all of her feelings.

Have you written Dr. Harley?

***EDIT***

Goodbye.

Maybe you should rather send your wife here to post, so that she can give her opinion.

Many doctors say things are "normal" and have little desire, time, or expertise to truly help a woman overcome a lack of libido. If her problem is low testosterone, this is an easy challenge to overcome. No responsible doctor will "pump" anyone full of hormones. There is a healthy range of testosterone, both free and bound, for a woman. Testosterone is the body's natural aphrodisiac. Without it, there is no sexual desire. It is truly a simple matter to go to a doctor and insist on seeing the lab results for oneself; the normal healthy range for a woman is around 70. My doctor prescribed a cream which has to be compounded at a pharmacy at a relatively low cost. It took some experimentation to arrive at the right dosage for me, but it worked and really helped my libido. This has not changed me in any undesirable way at all. The right testosterone level simply helps a person to feel a healthy craving for sex. Even young women are often diagnosed with low testosterone. It's such a shame that doctors aren't often more helpful with this, since having a great sexual/romantic relationship contributes so much to one's happiness.

What others have suggested regarding time for dates and each other is extremely valuable and should not be disregarded. A good marriage requires time alone to build and enjoy a romantic relationship.

For everyone who has the same issues:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5013b_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5013d_qa.html

DGZ, I don't know if you'll come back to read this. I'm in a long-term situation which sounds similar to yours, and it didn't seem to closely match any of the situations described by other people posting, or by any of the example cases discussed in the Q&A columns, or in any of the radio archives I listened to.

I finally decided that I had nothing to lose by e-mailing the Harleys and they immediately invited me on the radio show a while back. And I can tell you that Dr. Harley had an uncanny ability to quickly zero in on the issues. And I say that having been to several years of therapy by lesser, but still highly-qualified therapists.

Even if your situation is unusual and different from the typical things discussed in the Q&A Columns here, which was my attitude too, the difference is that when you talk to Dr. Harley, he quickly applies his experience and knowledge to your specific situation, no matter how unusual it is.

You've got nothing to lose by calling the radio show. It's free, and they send you some free books. I can't imagine why you wouldn't take the opportunity.

As for being so sure about your Internet-based diagnosis of "asexuality", who knows? But what you will probably find out from Dr. Harley is that as Donald Rumsfeld might say, "You may find out things you didn't even know you didn't know".

Thanks gm622 for your response.

Did you talk with Dr. Harley about having a partner that is asexual? If so do you remember the date you were on?

I don't think the word "asexual" came up in the interview, though it might seem to apply to my wife in recent years. Rather, one issue is that she never learned how her own body can respond, and at this point is reluctant to try. As Dr. Harley said, she never learned to enjoy sex fully. He also said that's pretty rare these days and is a situation that was more common in the old days when correct sexual information was not generally available. For example, a woman in the old days could be in love with her husband, but because of the incorrect teachings of Freud, misinformation, etc., neither she nor her husband knew how to make sex enjoyable for her and assumed it was just her "duty".

Thanks. Do you mind sharing the date so the rest of us could learn from the advice?

It was on 7/10/13. I get embarrassed listening to myself on the radio show because I think I sound more shy and hesitant than I expected. The Harleys were so smooth and professional by contrast. There was an e-mail exchange and a short off-air conversation before the show started so we didn't start off on the air completely cold.

My wife and I were college sweethearts and we've never had other sexual partners. We read the sex manuals, but the instructions didn't seem to work for her. Neither of us had any idea exactly how it was supposed to happen. And life moved on.

It's ironic that people who've had multiple partners before marriage, or affairs in their marriage, are less likely to be in our situation because they would have learned from others, or known what was missing.

Thank you for sharing and I'm sure we will all learn from it.
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