Hi All,

I've read The good Doctor's book 3 times now and have taken a great deal of comfort and advice with the explanations for surviving an affair. Can I 1st state that I love my wife without question but must admit my lovebank for her is nearing empty.

My own story begins about 18 months ago when my WW started a new business here in the UK which turned out to be quite successful. Shortly after this time I felt we were drifting apart emotionally and I had a feeling that all was not well within our marriage. My situation is very similar to the "Sue, John and Greg story in the book".

I attempted to communicate our problems with my WW but unbeknownst to me she had taken a lover 17 years her senior and started an adulterous affair. My wife is 42 and I am abut 6 months older. We have 2 children (girls 10 and 6). The OM was connected professionally to this business and the affair continued until my discovery about 9 months later. I confronted my WW after investigating but got the usual stock answers of nothing happened, we're just friends, close friends etc. 300 telephone calls at all times of day and night in 1 month alone etc.

I knew differently after investigating the affair fully. She had slept with him on a number of occasions and travelled to his yacht during office hours when I was away working.

I decided to expose the affair to some friends and relatives after my WW announced she was leaving me to "find out what she wanted to do with herself!" She left the family home, pursued a separation and took my two children about 6 months ago. Only 2 friends have offered to help me and in fact I have been accused of being a nasty, vindictive a horrible man for exposing the affair (while using a template letter from this very site.) That did shock me. In the main most have cited "not my problem" as the stock answer. Good friends how are you?

It was around this time I discovered that 3 of her so called friends were also having affairs of various different types and situations. They appear to goad and support/cover up for each other. Strange but true!

It is ironic that her Mother did the same thing to her father about 35 years ago ending her own marriage at that time. A case of Monkey sees, Monkey does, I think. She said to my wife that she never like me despite the fact we were together for 20 years (nice eh?). Her father says that we are old enough to sort things out and despite what happened to him 35 years ago(which wrecked his marriage), he is backing his daughter. Her other sibling has asked her to give up this man but in the main doesn't want anything to do with me or this situation.

When I 1st confronted my WW she told her Mother the truth obviously because there was always going to be empathy there and told her father lies as he was a man of morals (or so I thought).

I instigated plan A but not until 3 months after she left (just found the Doc's book at that time). Before Christmas 2014 I was able to find out that this professional was still involved with the business and decided to move on to plan b. Unfortunately I was very angry and upset and threatened to divorce when she stepped in and asked me if it was "what I really wanted?" I said no but she wasn't able to tell me what she wanted. I believed that she was still in the fog with this man, who by the way at this stage was playing with her emotions and he wasn't interested in her, preferring to stay with his current wife. He said he had too much to lose. He implied that he would use her physically but not leave his wife for mine!

I then exposed the affair to the OMW and she refused to accept it. I then wrote to OMW and exposed again with facts, dates etc. Again no response from either OM or OMW? It was at this point I became aware that the other man was an habitual adulterer and had been divorced previously in his 30's. He was violent man and had assaulted my wife although my proof could not be used (long story) against him.

I then wrote to his company Directors (he is a Senior Director) and shareholders plus a small list of friends and family. I was met with a lawyers letter from my wife saying that she was contacting the Police for harassment under advice from her lawyer. She would then take out a NON-Molestation order (UK civil order)against me forbidding any further harassment. Can I add that I haven't seen, spoke or visited my wife since before Christmas 2014. I didn't write to her either or threatened her (or the OM/OMW) in any way. I am a peace loving individual. I apologised for writing letters and have undertaken to cease all writing to friends and family and the Order has not being persued further.

My lawyer said it could be seen as harassment under UK law writing any further letters.

I exposed this to my children whom are 10 & 6 (going on 11 & 7) in a respectful and simple way also. My wife says I am using the kids as a weapon. I explain not.

I am expecting the divorce petition any day now via post as her lawyer has promised and I wonder if anyone would care to offer some advice, help and prayers for my WW, my children and I at this difficult time.

My wife is filing (petitioning in the UK) for divorce citing my unreasonable behaviour (writing letters of exposure). If it wasn't serious you could laugh about it!

My efforts to save my marriage lie before me in ruins.

Any advice for me friends?

Ding_dong

Are you 100% sure that your letters to the POSOM's Betrayed Wife actually got to her and were not intercepted by the POSOM?

Could you post a Redacted version of your exposure letters that you sent out to each party, especially to the OM's BW and to the Corporate Board Members?

Why does she have sole physical custody of the children?

How much visitation time do you get to see them and do you participate in their school aad extracurricular activities?

What were your WW's main justifiable complaints about you that actually hold water and what have you done to change?

Besides the SAA Book, I would also recomment buying the Love Busters Book to make sure you do not commit ANY Love Bank Withdrawals, with the exception of fighting the affair.

LTL

I would not fight the divorce but I would make sure to protect your custodial rights, children and property as much as possible. That the POSOM is a violent, serial cheater who flat out told WW he would just use her and not leave his wife and now she is threatening you with harrassment...IMO your WW is sooooo far out there to hang on to that sort of person that I don't see her changing (and maybe she won't) until she feels the consequences of her affair/choices and maybe gets ran over a few dozen. You should stay in Plan B.

You should be proud of the efforts you made. Unfortunately some people just don't care and others will be supporters.

Sorry for your pain, D_D. Welcome to MB

I can't offer much advice beyond what LTL has offered. I can relate though. My WW has filed for divorce and we have children; I am still in plan A.

The harassment claims seem to be pretty common for waywards. My WW threatened me with harassment several times due to exposure. I used the format from MB for my letters as well. My WW was never able to make anything of her harassment claims; I am in the U.S. though. Another poster on MB just defeated a restraining order brought against him by his WW. The order seemed to be a vindictive attempt to punish him for exposure.

My WW has often told me that the biggest reason she will never consider recovering our marriage is my exposing of her affair. Lately however, she has not been mentioning it in favor of citing my various failures as a husband which were never as awful as she now remembers them(I admit I was hard to live with though) . Every wayward seems to go nuts after exposure, try not to let it shake you up.

My WW also accused me of trying to use the kids against her. It's another standard of the wayward playbook. You said that you explained to your WW that you weren't. I wouldn't be surprised if that explanation was filled with love busters. It's difficult to defend yourself from things like that without belittling her feelings. You should definitely read the book Love Busters.

It's good that you have an attorney but keep in mind that he is going to advise you to do the safest possible thing(legally) at all times. Your lawyer will not be living the rest of his life with the consequences from this situation.

Hi Folks,

well it looks like I have my answer. My wife has filed for divorce, complained to the police about harassment because I exposed via email and letter. I have been silenced under threat of charges and issued with PIN - Police Information notice(Uk draconian warning not to continue with any contact). Her affair partner also made a complaint about my exposure effectively stopping me from going any further. I visited the Police station voluntarily and declined to be interviewed as there was no evidence offered by the complainants.

I find myself a mere passenger in her divorce petition and she is hell bent on ending the marriage. I am in plan b and remain there.

It is very sad but still have a small amount of hope.

Thank you all for your support and advice 😊

Ding_Dong.

Hi, I'm positive letters got through. I believe this man to a serial beater. He was divorced earlier life again adultery.

Letters were standard Dr.Harley type but I'd rather not publish.

We share custody of the children and she hasn't stopped me from seeing them but denies me any extra time like last Friday despite being busy at work. She had to get her Dad to pick ip the kids. This was designed to hurt me as I am very close to my two children but I understand what is doing. We no longer communicate directly which is good for me at this time. My wife is the primary carer and I see the children 4 nights a fortnight.

My children love coming to stay with me, they tell me it's because I do fun stuff with them and they love me. My wife is depressed and taking medication to help. She does little with the children but this has been the hallmark of her own upbringing.

She has a point. I was difficult to live with and more focussed on maintaining the lifestyle that she wanted rather care for her emotional needs. Equally she didn't do a lot for me emotionally either. Two children take their toll on any marriage and we drifted apart. Sex life was non existent and I resented her for that hence my poor behaviour towards her. Two of her friends are also having multiple affairs so it's a bit of monkey sees, monkeys does I suppose. I might add that her mother did the same thing to her Dad over 35 years ago and he has never moved on merely becoming a hermit type. Sad situation but I am a happy, positive person and will move on regardless of the outcome. C'est la vie😁

Thanks LTL for your support.

Ding_Dong

Have your attorney petition that you get 1st right of refusal in the event that she herself can not pick up or supervise YOUR Children, rather than her Father or anyone else.

You should be the primary default custodian.

LTL

I'm a UK trained journalist and rest assured it is not against the law to tell the truth!

If you've got her threatening legal action then pat yourself on the back for a job well done. She sounds truly ashamed of this affair, which was your goal.

You only need to tell people the truth once and harassment has to take place 'on more than one occasion'.

Even then you would have a very good defence on the grounds of protecting your own interests and she would have a tough sell trying to make HER cheating on you a cause 'of serious alarm and distress'.

But anyway, it sounds like you're done and even though your lawyer sounds overly cautious, you dont need to further expose.

Did you speak to OMW in person? It's common for the other wayward to spy on communications and falsely pose as them.

Counter file citing her adultery. As the petitioner you would control the divorce timescale and can stall it. It's illegal for her to use her own adultery as cause so it should be easily overturned.

What legal penalty would you even face for harassment? Its probably a minor fine - and you're not even guilty of it! It might be worth, as a plan A measure sayingI would do anything to end your affair'. Heck, let her think you're risking it all for her.

It's also good to sneak in 'I'm sorry you are ashamed of your affair. It must be hard.'

Never apologise! Don't take back your grand gestures in fighting for her.

I was also threatened with legal action. Yawn.

Hi again Folks,

Still hanging in there, just. Divorce is progressing after my petition was sent to the wrong person and vice versa. Fate acting in strange ways maybe?

Her lawyer is going all out and quite over overzealous. I am not directly communicating only through 3rd party as anger is still evident. I want additional time with my children so I have asked 3rd party to communicate that. They have said she will accept email correspondence.

I have made an offer to settle the financials but haven't had a response (14days up tomorrow).

What do you think about emailing about children as I am desperate for more contact with Them?

Thanks as ever.

DD.

What's your plan? If you want to reconcile you have to Plan A her and be in contact with her - anger and all.

If its a good deal in the divorce you're after and custody I would lawyer up.

Have you followed up with requesting an update from the POSOM's Board Of Directors AND Human Resources Department Head?

It is NOT harassment to inquire as to the status of any ongoing investigation and potential consequences.

LTL

Hi again,

LTL, thanks for your response but I am terrified of being brought in by the Police for questioning and charge. The Police firmly warned me that any further behaviour would be deemed by them as potential harassment. I work voluntarily with young children as a mentor and could jeopardise that with a criminal conviction. Also I am sure that my ws would use this as a reason not to see my children, again causing me great distress.

I have had a visit to too from social services but they have no issues with me or so their report has said today.

She has just requested a reasonable sum of money over and above what I pay every month in maintenance for my children. This is for a trip for my eldest. Should I pay? I am reluctant but she will probably take this out on the kids as she has being asking for a response to her emails via my eldest daughter. I remain silent for now. What do you think?

She is allowing her mother to take my children on holiday soon without consultation with me. What can I do here?

I have made an offer to settle the divorce but there has been no response. Her lawyer has said she hasn't consulted with her client yet and I have heard nothing for over 3weeks. Her lawyer is failing to return calls to my lawyer and the merry go round goes on with large legal bills on both sides. Only one winner here.

What now? I am prepared to see and wait but a court date looms in May and a written response to the court regarding financial situation for both of us is required within 3 weeks.

Still hoping and thanks for your support again.

DD.

Hi Indiegirl,

she is so angry with me I am afraid her lawyer will advise her to pursue me for harassment. It was the lawyers Idea to go down this route. The lawyer is very very aggressive, painting me as the bad person here. Her lawyer describes me a narcissistic control freak etc. Letters from lawyers make money whereas speech between spouses might sort issues out. What would you suggest?

I approached her Dad, he's reasonable but has said that his ex (who did the same to him 35 years ago) has asked him to stay out of this as he is too old. wthr? He is obviously the voice of reason in all this. But who knows?

thanks for your support.

DD

Hi All,

feeling hopeless today. The divorce is progressing along to my great sadness. I am powerless to delay it. I have been in email contact with my wife about our children but she continually brings up recent things that I did that are irrelevant and displays great anger in her email. I have made changes go my childcare arrangements which needed email contact. I seen her today at my daughter's school as I had no choice but we didn't speak or exchange eye contact. My heart sank when I seen her. After the event she left promptly and never spoke. I am in plan b but feeling hopeless. She appears to be still very angry with despite the exposure back in late January. She is heavily influenced by her mother and two friends whom are having affairs too. I have asked if she would like to talk with me but there was no response.

I don't know whether she is still in contact with the other man but as her business is linked I presume that it might be the case.

Has anyone any advice of what my next step should be? Outside I am portraying a positive happy life but inside I am heartbroken and destroyed. I keep going for the love of my children and hope of saving my marriage.

I'm happy to hear anyone's opinion on my next move if any.

Thanks folks,

DD.

Lawyer up. You're in for a rocky ride.

Let the lawyers do the rough stuff and just be available and pleasant to your wife when you can.

What Indiegirl said ^^^.

Also, have you looked into getting on some anti-depressants to help get you through this period? That may help a lot with feeling so low.

Hang in there and good luck.

Sorry you aren't in Plan B if you are having contact with your WW. Why don't you have an IM?

Do you have a lawyer?

DD,

Speech between spouses actually doesn't usually sort things out. I have yet to see a marriage saved on this forum where the husband was able to persuade his wife that she was making a big mistake. Instead, marriages are usually saved when the husband takes major, serious, unrelenting action on two fronts:

1) he combats the affair directly. He exposes the affair far and wide, practically taking out a billboard to advertise it. He confronts the other man and tells him to get away from his wife. He threatens to haul the other man into court to testify in the divorce hearing. Etc., etc., etc.
2) he meets his wife's emotional needs, transforming into the best husband imaginable, never fighting with her or arguing with her, but making a positive and charming impact on her each and every time they have contact.

Eventually the affair is extremely likely to die a natural death and then at that point your wife's feelings for you are likely to change, and not before. She is not won by persuasion. She is won by her own Love Bank, which you need to understand at a serious level.

Usually a husband needs to embark on a really serious program of education to understand the tools that Marriage Builders provides and learn how to use them. For example, you believe you are in Plan B, but you are not, and if you want to keep your marriage, you should not be in Plan B. One of the best things you can possibly do is to start listening to the free Marriage Builders Radio program every single day. It is an internet show and you can install an app to listen on your phone or tablet, or listen on your PC. There is far more for you in the program than just in the book.

Frequently a husband will need to see his doctor and get on antidepressants as well. It is hard to be charming and wonderful and not fight when someone is fighting you tooth and nail and tearing out your heart and stomping on it. Antidepressants can help even out your mood and help you to stick to the plan.

Don't plan moves. Instead get extremely educated and start building new habits.

You are seriously torturing yourself by not entering a dark PB. I have been in a dark PB since November and only 1 week ago had my first contact with H which was strange, but made me realize how strong the PB process has made me and forced me to see our relationship with crystal clear classes instead of rose colored glasses. The first couple days were tough to get through but that's why you need a strong IM that will be totally honest with you and not let you cave into your old habits and also help you by being an objective observer/listener. Your WW will likely flip when she has something she needs to talk to you about (finances or visitation) and she is redirected to your IM. That is the reality punch to her gut that may be the factor that opens her eyes. But you HAVE to STICK WITH IT for it to be effective!!!! NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER!! Not by phone, in person (not even in children's activities or visitation drop off/pick ups), e-mail, snail mail, telegraph, smoke signal, or even carrier pigeon. NO CONTACT AT ALL! Go Dark or go home! It's a wonderful Peaceful Place!

Hi All,

Thank you all for your advice and support. There is a bit of conflicting advice here. Some say plan b/lawyer up and others say plan A now? How can I make deposits in her lovebank when we have no contact? I am pleasant and supportive in all email contact and give in to most reasonable demands. I have a lawyer and agreed shared contact. I see my children regularly.

My WW continually makes selfish demands like "I want this/that sent to me" - we share a holiday home together. She doesn't even use my name any more in addressing me, just direct demands. I comply with the reasonable ones and ignore the others. I wish her well and remain pleasant in all email communications.

I should add that I think I made a mistake after my wife petitioned me for divorce and started my own petition which is running alongside. Is this right or wrong? It is very hard to deal with the extreme emotions to instinctively hurt the one you love deeply but I am considering dropping my petition as a demonstration of my wish for reconciliation. Feedback would be appreciated here please.

We have agreed in principle for me to not contest her divorce due to cost implications. If I don't she will end up seeking costs from me and this will leave me penniless as well divorced. I am thinking of my and my children's financial future here. I have no savings and my lawyers bills are very high. My WW has ample funds at her disposal to fight me.

I remain positive.

Thanks again,

DD.

At this point being WW has moved out I think you should go plan B for it is very hard to plan A with the WW out of the house.

Go to the MB home page and start looking for contact info and send an email to Dr Harley. Emails are sent through his wife Joyce. Follow the link

http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

The advice is free. You include your phone # and they will call you. If not then they will address the question on the radio show and you can listen to the answer.

Ding Dong,

How does she have ample funds while you don't?

Also, I second the Anti-depressants and listening to the radio show. The A.D.s will make a huge difference and right now you have to have clear and logical thinking to get through this terrible time.

FYI, Dr. H has very different advice for men verses women in this situation (beyond the exposure, which is the same for everyone), which the vets know and he discusses often on his radio show.

I am very sorry to hear that you are surrounded by enablers, or at least your wife is.

Husbands are advised to Plan A for as long as possible. You might actually find it easier with her gone. Make her feel welcome to return.

You should Plan B only if it gets too much for you or you start lovebusting her under strain.

Let lawyers protect you and do the rough stuff while you Plan A. If she mentions divorce just say 'I do not talk divorce, I talk marriage'. If she complains about anything your lawyer does tell her you would happily stop the whole thing and reconcile.

Hi Folks,

Thanks to you all for your ongoing support. I spoke with the good Doctor and Joyce the other day live on their radio show. Their advice was to send a letter to my WS outlining the current impasse and my willingness to change and rebuild our marriage despite her affair (just touched on the OM). They advised to not pester her but stay in plan A for at least another 6 months and review after that. My financial date for court looms in early May so I wait patiently. I sent the letter but received no response (3 days ago). He said not to expect an immediate response if any in the short term but remain calm. He said the fog lifts from time to time and they can see a way out of this disaster if they are willing to reach out and make the change. It's up to her now. Dr. Harley and Joyce did recommend anti-depressants but I think I can manage without them for now. I feel a little better now and still hopeful despite the lack of any response from my WS.

If anyone would like to see the letter I will happily DM it to them but not keen on publishing on the open forum.

I live in hope and appreciate all of your support.

Thank you,

DD.

Did you man PM not DM. PM feature is disabled on this site.

Anyway your last post is good news in that you called DR H and spoke with him. So do your best plan A. Do you have kids?

I just saw that you have kids.

Who are they living with now?

Great way to plan A:

Plan family outings and casually invite the WW to join. Most likely the WW will turn you down and that is ok. Just keep doing it. Make the outings fun. Eventually the kids on their own will tell their mom all about the great time they had.

Post pictures of the kids and you having a great time on these outings on FB.

Eventually WW will feel she is being left out and want in on these outings or the kids may guilt her into coming on one during a brief fog lift.

Also as WW seeing the new you she can at the same time be having problems with the OM and she will question why is she with the OM and cause WW to join the next family outing.

WW on an outing will cause the OM all sorts of problems causing him to rage at your WW accusing her of dating you behind his back.
So not only a perfect plan A opportunity also a perfect opportunity to cause the OM fits and him showing his true colors which will cause dissension in their affair.

Radio Clip on DingDong's Show
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

Hi TheRoad,

I have shared care but my children spend the bulk of the time with their Mother.

Thanks to you and BrainHurts for your input and posts. How can I Plan A when my wife won't even reply to my email?

I have been spending a great deal of time with my children and doing what you suggested like Facebook photos and posts etc. since she left with the children last August but she unfriended all my family/friends and blocked me totally.

She seems very disinterested in speaking or communicating with me apart from things about my children. They are all away on holiday until next week so we'll wait and see. I don't want to push things too far as the Doctor suggested that I don't pester her. I think that I might try to ask her if she would like to join the children and I on an outing of some sort and see what happens from there (thanks for suggesting). Failing that I think that it might be best to sit tight.

Any further suggestion or advice is welcome.

Thanks again.

DD.

Hi All,

Just being met now with lots of selfish demands about the kids care and future plans. My WS has booked a holiday with the children without any regard for my plans - no consultation or discussions just statement of dates AMD "I'm booked". Her behaviour is very controlling and constantly reminding me of how I didn't give in to our mediated settlement last year and she has to go through this process because of me and it's costing her a fortune. It's nearly 3months since my nuclear exposure and the anger is still very evident. My wife believed that everything would be great and she would have it all. It appears not to be the case and she is going to lose a hell of a lot with this divorce not least of all her husband and her family. The selfishness of the whole thing is astounding. She won't mediate with me in relation to the children's care. I think she knows this is probably the only way of getting to/hurting me via the kids. On the outside I am very positive and non-judgemental in communication. I'm resisting the temptation at every turn to blame her affair. I am going to see if we can meet when she gets back from her holiday. I think that this might be a small step if she'll agree to it.

Can anyone help how I could suggest this to her while she clearly doesn't want to be in a room with me.

I remain as best I can in plan A and welcome any advice.

Thanks again.

DD.

Have you received a response from your WW from the letter you sent her like Dr. Harley recommended?

Also, what things did you tell her you would change?

DD,
Glad you sent the letter. I hope it had a tender and loving tone.

I sent one to my WW about 3 months after she left the home. I never got a reply from her and I wasn't even sure she read it. Then about 14 months after that, when we recovered and I helped her move her things out of her old place and back into our home, I found the letter in her things. She had not only read it, but she kept it. I was surprised, and I learned at that moment that Plan A bears fruit.

Even though there is limited contact with your wife at this moment, you can Plan A from a distance. In fact, it's easier because she is not flaunting her affair in your face every moment you're with her. The Plan A process takes time. A lot of time. And so you will various opportunities over the next few months to make love bank deposits even though she is not living with you. You can space them out. Just avoid DJ's and AO's in your communications with her over children, even when she baits you...and she will.

Her affair is likely to crumble. And when it does, she will look to you as an option if you did a good Plan A and made yourself attractive to her and made your home a safe landing spot.

Hi Brainhurts,

Thanks for your post. I have had no response from my email as yet. I'm not expecting a response as she appears to be hell bent of the destruction of the marriage for now. There are a few surprises for her in relation to the financial side of things which may/may not have a bearing on her potential to respond. Only time will tell. I won't go into it here but her financial settlement may not be as cut and dried as she thinks. Her lawyer has advised mine that she has to lower her expectations for rehousing for one. Her Mother is the huge negative influence on her at present as it has been a great opportunity for them to reconnect. Her Mother had an affair which ended her marriage 30 or so years go. She told me after I met her that her Mother is a very selfish person and it's funny that she is now following that same path.

I didn't mention specific changes in my email but generalised about improving my behaviour. I didn't want to muddy the water with detail.

Thanks again.

DD

Thanks Justthe3ofus for your post.

It's nice to know that you have had a positive outcome to your situation. What sort of things did you do in Plan A which helped you both move forward? It's very hard to keep going but I must for the sake of my wife, our marriage and my children.

Her communications are littered with what I did/didn't do in the past, even when we went to mediation last year. She seems very annoyed that I'm not giving her the easy out - quick financial settlement, roll over and go away scenario.

My WW now takes my eldest daughter's phone off her for 2 or 3 days when she has been naughty (not really naughty just cheeky). She knows that taking away my ability to speak with my children is very hurtful to me. This is her only way of affecting me. She has done her worst. How could I address this without disrespectful behaviour.

Your are so right with regard to her behaviour. She seems to want to goad me into an argument all the time with disrespectful behaviour and judgements. She makes plans for the children without any consultation with me and expects me to go with exactly what she wants all the time. Can I do to anything to work around this?

Thanks again for all your support.

DD

DD,
Things you can do in Plan are:
Letters, tender text messages, care packages when she is sick. Do these things occasionally without smothering or acting desperate. Don't cry. Don't be morose. Be as genuinely upbeat as you can. Be humorous. Dress nicely. Polish your shoes. Keep your clothes neatly pressed. Make sure the house is tidy. Be the world's greatest father. And through it all, maintain a consistent respectful tone with no angry outbursts in all communications, no matter how limited. All of these things are actually easier for you do because you are not getting disrespected by her in your home at the present time.

In order to execute a good Plan A, you need to feel good, which is hard. So exercise regularly. A lot of us run and that helps a lot. You have to fill your life with as much positives as you can. If you have a good support network of friends and family, capitalize on it. Some of us found tremendous solace in church and prayer. For me those were a bedrock that strengthened my resolve.

Keep in mind that Plan A is not Plan Pushover. Even though you are in Plan A and are trying to meet your ww's emotional needs while avoiding all Love Busters, you should not put up with her disrespectful judgments or angry outbursts or anything else inconsiderate and rude. You still need to stand up for yourself.

Though you don't want to morally degrade her for the affair, when the subject is brought up by her, she has to own it. She is the one making these choices, not you. When my wife would try and goad me into an argument I would deflect, parry her strike, and then leave the conversation (usually text messages). But I would not avoid the real issue (infidelity) and I would confront it head on when necessary. When she would try and blame me for things, I would let her know that her choices brought us to this place. But I would not get into a circular argument with her. I ended the conversation before too many missiles could be fired. In a nutshell, don't let her bully you because she is angry and bitter.

Years ago, a mentor teacher told me, "I used to want my students to like me. And then I learned that that was the wrong approach. I learned to want to my students to respect me first. So I built in a better classroom management system based on clearly defined lines of respect, and my students not only respected me, but they liked me!"

Marriage and classroom management are not perfectly analogous, of course. But in your situation, if you don't stand by your principles and preserve your dignity (without DJ's and AO's) then your WW will not only not respect you, but she will also be even more repulsed and find you utterly unattractive.

Deep down she wants you to fight for her and she wants you to be strong.

Plan A is a tricky thing, but as long as you make yourself look attractive to her, shower her you care, let her know that door is still open, and you avoid love busters, you will do okay.

Do your children know about their mom's affair?

Hi Brainhurts,

I told my children at the time of the exposure back in late January 2014. I told them in simple childlike language "that unfortunately their Mam wasn't happy with Dad and stopped loving him. She moved out when she met someone else and loves him now but unfortunately he already has a wife and children. He doesn't want to be with Mammy and that has made Mammy very unhappy. Daddy really loves Mammy with all his heart and wants to try and be with her. Daddy will always love Mammy and you both so don't ever forget that."

My wife went ballistic and said I was using the children against her. She then went to the Police and the drama ensued from there with divorce proceedings issued straight away after I told her friends, colleagues and this man's colleagues & wife.

I did also mention to them (probably a mistake on my part) that this OM had hit their Mam and he is a nasty piece of work. I asked them if they ever came into contact with him they were to be very careful. This man has assaulted my wife once that I am aware of and I genuinely feared for their safety.

The kids don't seem to be a great priority to her as she palms them off to relatives at any opportunity to be with her job and facilitating (non) friends who assure her that she'll be happy soon. Meanwhile the anti d's and the alcohol flows to try and numb the pain. Very sad, but I'm upbeat and focused on what is needed.

Thanks for your continued support.

DD.

Thanks for this Justthe3ofus,it makes proper sense what you've said here. I'll try my best to implement a good plan a and take it from there. Meanwhile her animosity gets worse with every email. I deflect this as per your post and keep my communications positive and honest.

Thank you very much for your continued support.

DD.

No its fantastic you've warned them and told them to report concerns to you. It also puts paid to the fantasy of him being their new dad.

Kids in this situation get abused all the time.



If she can get you to argue back she will get a full tilt dose of her addiction - for a while.

When you are nice you ruin it. You're not helping her avoid guilt, or consequences.

Most WWs are deeply unhappy with the A relationship (in this case a married guy who dumped her!) But they blame their unhappiness on the BH for an incredibly long time, until the A is in its death throes.

It's his fault for telling his wife before I could catch him, it's his fault for being confusingly nice - how am I supposed to grind him under my heel while he's nice!

But the A does end and the chances are high that when it does she will review your kindness in a different light.

It's only annoying to her now because it distracts and interrupts the A.

So she pawns your kids off to relatives all the time? What happens when you offer to take the children?

One good thing you have going for you is that the married OM has dumped her. Do the best Plan A whenever the opportunity arises. Are you dragging the divorce out as long as you can?

Brainhurts,

I'm not 100% sure he has dumped her but I have made his position with her very difficult by exposing them both professionally and publicly and I believe that there's a good chance that he has, due to the anger that she displays to me now. It is relentless.

I am not offered the kids any more than she wants. Maybe I should suggest that she leave them with me if she is struggling for childcare especially if I have the free time.

I am trying to drag the divorce out as long as I can at present but I am reaching a crucial point in proceedings where I will be forced to let her have the divorce either way.

Wait and see what transpires and plan a all the way where possible.

Thanks,

DD

You should require that your attorney seek Right Of 1st Refusal, for any time she is not personally taking care of your children.

Get it done.

LTL

^^^^Yes this. Also have you talked to the OM's BW to verify if they are remaining NC?

Hi Brainhurts and LTL,

I am under threat of harassment charges if I go near either the OM or his wife. I'm not sure whether they are in contact either but presuming not romantically at this point. Forgive my ignorance but can you explain the reasoning behind the 1st refusal when it comes to childcare. She would go absolutely bananas if I was to do this. Again I can hear her cries along with her Mother/Father of using the children as a weapon, etc.

Thanks,

DD

Are you capable of and would you like custody of your children when your wife makes alternative plans that presumes someone else will be watching them and taking care of them?

If Yes, then get that ordered by the courts through your attorney.

WHY OH WHY do so many men shrivel at the prospect of a false harassment charge being filed against them??

For what reason?

Has the OM's BW personally told you, either by herself or through her attorney that you are not allowed to contact her with information about the affair he is involved in with your WW?

Is stating a truthful fact harassment?

LTL

Hi LTL,

I would love to have my kids anytime that their Mother can't look after them. But I tend to find out after the event. Would not demanding they stay with me under these circumstances not be a love buster? Will this not raise the hurt levels and her anger even more?

Here in the UK it is very easy to find yourself in trouble with new harassment laws.

Any behaviour after you have been issued with a PIN (Police Information Notice) can be used against you and plenty of people have been successfully prosecuted for such behaviour. I am not afraid of anything after what I have been through the last few months.

I need to maintain a clean record as I work in a voluntary charity role working with vulnerable children. Any conviction would put that to bed and appear on any check by the charity that I work with. This work is very important to me! The OM's wife has never made any contact with me ever despite writing to her and door-stepping her late last year.

It appears that here in the UK stating the truth is in fact harassment "if it causes alarm or distress" to the other party. Here's an article which can give a bit of insight into this unfair procedure: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/libertycentral/2010/sep/09/harassment-warning-fair-hearing

Thanks again,

DD.

DD you said that OMW 'rejected' your exposure letters early in your thread but that you were 'sure' she got them - how? How can you be so sure it wasn't intercepted by OM?

See bringing a harassment warning onto you would make no sense if you HAD hit the mark and his wife already knew. What's more likely is that you were CLOSE but MISSED. That's what the harassment warning is supposed to prevent.




I would really get yourself a different lawyer on this because yours sounds pretty lazy. It isn't at all easy to slap harassment laws onto people. It's easy to advise your client to 'just do nothing' though - I would interview a few other lawyers as to the truth of his advice here.

Were you given any guidance according to the warning just WHAT actions you did that consituted harassment?

As it was brought by your wife - what does it have to do with OMW? Your wife can ask you to stop getting in touch with her - or say an repeated and upsetting course of action towards her is harassment - but she can't scream harassment and prevent you speaking from any other woman she dislikes you talking to.

What's particularly concerning is that you and OMW should be on the same side, passing intelligence to each other. That is none of your WW's business and she should not even know about it - much less use it against you legally (preventing two people from making truthful and factual statements about the gravest concern in their life privately to each other is NOT what the Harassment Act 1997 is for and the police claiming that it is makes a farce of UK law).

How do you know OMW was really exposed to and what was her reaction?

It would seem as if we have 2 different opinions on what the article it stating as the writers position.

Yes, the rule can be applied arbitrarily and capriciously, but the filing party too can be held accountable for not meeting the standards of legitimate harassment.

What is the actual legal statute in the UK regarding harassment?

I would not be afraid of those who file false claims, especially if your actions do not meet the legal definition of harassment.

Indie is a Reporter in the UK and would have a much better insight into the actual reality and legal consequences.

LTL

I see Indie has already replied.

What specifically does the Harassment Act Of 1997 state?

Thanks Indie.

LTL

LTL

In theory you are probably not far from this farce that is the harassment act but for now I'm keeping quiet. I think that given my WW behaviour and communication with me is hostile, that the affair is dying or getting there. Very hostile and most upset with me. Waiting and hoping ��

I am positive that the letters to OMW got through as this was repaid back to me by my WW.

The POSOM is trying to protect his professional reputation to try to stop the story from breaking out. He was made a senior partner in his firm just last year. All the other directors now know but when my divorce financial settlement is over I will go after him again through his governing body regardless of the repercussions. I am prepared to risk harassment charges for this and will risk a large fine or imprisonment.

He is an abuser and beat my WW so I presume his wife is afraid of him as he must treat her the same, hence the no response from her. I am being painted as a psycho ex husband by my WW. She has told everyone that I have dreamed up this affair. Stand by YouTube as it's next.

By the way I sent the letters registered and her signature was on them.

Thanks,

DD.

What typically happens when OM is a serial cheat or abusive is that he monitors his wife's mail.

Unless the BH makes an effort to actually speak to the BW, she usually never hears of exposure. When OM sees the attempted exposure he calls his minion/mistress and tells her she better make sure her husband doesn't try this again or he'll he'll dump her.

The WW then ALWAYS falsely claims that the BW was exposed to, but doesn't care etc.

That is what always happens when exposure fails. Seen it loads of times. It's not difficult to sign for a registered letter as your wife.

Or to simply take it off her if she is a battered wife.

Harrassment means you can't approach the same person repeatedly if they've asked you to desist. But OMW has never done that has she?

Does this harassment order prevent you from speaking to OMBW? What behaviour does it actually state as being unacceptable?

Hope is not a plan.

Waiting for your divorce financial settlement is a schoolboy error. All your targets should have been hit in 24 hours.

Your financial settlement is devised by the courts. They don't give a hoot about OM and you must be crazy if you expect any kind of deal fRom your wife. She isn't going to reward you for keeping quiet. She expects that and the moon too.

Hi Indiegirl,

Fair enough hope is not a plan.

My only other option is to approach his wife directly and risk the wrath of the law and possible prison/criminal record etc. I am not keen on this angle.

My police information notice states that any further approaches to the OM or his family could be seen as harassment and dealt with accordingly.

I could approach his professional body but most of my information was got by methods which could be seen as inappropriate as regards the law. I have the proof but the method of extraction wasn't entirely legal.

I agree that telling the truth is not a crime but apparently in this case it could cause distress and alarm hence harassment charge potential.

Is her anger with me not a sign of trouble in her affair and a sign of the end? She is drinking heavily, looks terrible and taking anti-depressants to cope.

I would appreciate a bit of direction from here. Any lawyers on the forum who could advise as my lawyer is divorce driven.

Thanks again,

DD.

Hi

Hi Indiegirl,

I have sent the information about the affair to all OM business partners,their wives at their homes, 9 internal employees, about 45 friends and family and about anyone else who will listen to me. All within 24 hours. I am fighting the settlement all the way.

Is that not enough?

Thanks,

DD.

His actions strongly suggest to me that he is keeping it successfully from his wife.

This is why we tell BSs to get hold of the other spouse in person the first time they make contact with them.

As for the harassment notice, how can your wife prevent you from speaking to other people? It is not harassment of her.

The notice is probably legally worthless and is just back covering by the police. I would have another lawyer check it out.

True how did I not see this. Good job it was found. Is the OMW home during the day? Or do you know when the OM will be out so you can knock on OMW door to confirm she found out about the affair? Does the OMW work? Catch her going to or leaving?

Indiegirl,

I think you should have a look a this:

http://www.cps.gov.uk/legal/s_to_u/stalking_and_harassment/#a03b

It gives you an insight into sweeping powers under the protection against harassment act. I have met albeit briefly the OM wife and I can assure you that she knows about the affair. Even the dogs in the street know about it. He won't leave his wife for my WW. He said that on more than one occasion directly to her but her options now are limited. He even told her that she would end up unhappy and alone etc. What a nice guy eh?

If I went to his home again I can guarantee that I would be arrested and charged with stalking/harassment. I have been told that by the Policeman concerned. I am making a formal complaint to the Police about this notice and will try to get it lifted but that is all I am prepared to risk at this time.

Any other help is appreciated.

DD

Ding dong, I am familiar with that. As a reporter I often had to approach criminals many times (before they were found guilty) and they loved to throw the harassment book at me. Me personally, not my paper.I then had to write about what they had done when I got the evidence.

Sometimes I had to approach bereaved families linked to a tragedy. These people had done nothing wrong and sometimes they didn't want to talk to me. I respected their decision (because to do otherwise is legal harassment) but sometimes if the story changed significantly I had to go back and see if they still felt that way - which wasn't harassment (if done right).

The only difference between you and me is the police wouldn't give a reporter a notice like that, because it wouldn't stop a reporter. It's a bluff. Of course I was legally advised throughout - and you should be too. But just like a newspaper, you should be telling the lawyer what you need to happen not asking permission. It's his job to support your rights.




I'm stunned you've been going on about knowing due to her signature if you have spoken to her! What did she say about exposure and would she keep in touch with you?

I'm not saying blow off the order - get it overturned (which honestly I think is easy) before exposing further. But exposure is something you can't leave undone. If his wife does know then there is some other exposure he is trying to prevent. If you'd done it all there'd there'd be no need for this order.

Once there was a doctor whose botched work had killed a bunch of women. I sat outside his house for two days. He had to have his groceries handed to him over the fence. Serious alarm and distress time. But it didn't qualify as harassment and this guy earned a fortune and had four lawyers.

Its simply not true that the UK has sweeping harassment laws that any disgruntled person can deploy.

There's always a way.

When are you going to expose to the OMBW?

Hi All,

Nothing more happening at the moment apart from getting some good advice from a barrister and a civil rights charity recently here in the UK about harassment laws in the UK. Both said to avoid like the plague any more exposure as it would certainly constitute harassment as I have sent multiple letters and calls to the POSOM, OMW, friends and family as well as calling at the OMW's home.

Everyone is well aware of the affair and my wife's anger is still very evident in any correspondence or communication I have with her. I ask her how she is and hope she's well regardless of her nastiness to me. I don't argue just ignore the disrespectful behaviour. She told my youngest daughter the other day that she didn't love me anymore and hated me. My youngest had told her that Daddy will always love Mammy. That hurt me deeply but I keep going.

The legal settlement is progressing with a court date in early May. Strangely enough she hasn't progressed the divorce side of things or chased me up as I am constantly stalling with this as much as I can. She seems more interested in the financial settlement at this time but I am fighting this all the way. She tells my kids that they will be buying a new home in the summer but my lawyer reckons that this is a piped dream given the timescales. Her own lawyer has already told her that her expectations for rehousing are too high in terms of her expected lifestyle - cloud-cuckoo-land

I have taken a step back and shortened my hours at work to look after my children too and spend extra time with them.

How can you make love deposits when there is absolutely no communication between us both apart from the children?

Hanging in there for now.

Thanks as always for your support.

D_D

Hi Folks,

I took some action recently upon reflection. I wrote a letter of complaint to the Police about the harassment order and awaiting a response from them. Told them that stopping me from reporting the POSOM to his professional body was not within the remit of the Police service and against my rights.

I await their response but I will go to Police Complaints commission if needs be and after the settlement is through, risk prosecution if necessary.

I was in Family Court on Monday for the 1st directions hearing relating to the financial proceedings. I arrived looking good, best suit, best short and tie, neat haircut and smiley face. WW never even looked at me throughout the proceedings. Her facilitator Mother and Husband (3rd) turned up with looks of contempt on their faces for me. Bizarre!

All went reasonably well for me but it appears to have dawned a little on my WW that she won't get the settlement that she wants from this process and will lose out considerably as will I and our children, and not just financially.

She had a really sad, drawn looking face and looked at the judge without fail. She didn't even glance across the table at me once throughout the short hearing. We were only 3 feet away. Why?

She never spoke but looked very, very sad and depressed. She is adamant in retaining our holiday home despite her lawyer telling my lawyer that it isn't viable (she told her that directly) and it isn't going to happen. Her Mother is driving this without a doubt. A really nasty and bitter woman.

It's getting petty with my children too. They have been told last week that if they don't brush their teeth properly, they won't be allowed to go to their Dad's. She has really hurt them with this. We have great fun and my youngest tells me now that she loves me every night when I call (it fills my heart). She only started saying she loved me recently despite me telling both her and her sister that I love them very much, every day since they left. I spend all my spare time with my children and we have fun regardless of my pain and sadness.

I feel very empowered after Monday to carry on. I am within the process which will resume sometime in September back at court.

Plan A is impossible for me but I did send a small token back with the children last weekend to my WW but yet no thanks or communication from my WW.

What can I do further?

Any help and advice is appreciated.

Thanks as always,

DD.

That's great. Let us know how you get on.

All waywards will behave like your in-laws towards you now. It truly is bizarre. MiL will behave just like you predict, but I think MiL is an atypical wayward and your wife is typical.

Your wife's depression is very typical. Just keep going, looking sharp, fighting the affair. It is crumbling.

Goodness - don't expect anything like that!

Invite her out for coffee. Invite her to come on a family trip. Send her the pix when she refuses it like you offered bubonic plague. Tell her she looks gorgeous. Go check her car over. Send her favourite biscuits home with the kids. Help them make something for her. Offer to help her with a job she hates. Have flowers delivered. Send her how's your day texts.

Thanks Indiegirl,

you are so right here. She surrounds herself with people who she has told the truth to and don't see anything wrong with her behaviour and she denies the truth to me, her Dad and very old and dear friends citing my behaviour as the reason for our breakup.

Thanks again for your help. I am getting stronger now :-)

Hi again,

my eldest daughter has just finished her exams today and I invited my WW out to dinner tonight (with my 2 children) to celebrate. She said thanks for the offer (a 1st ever reply by text to any offer) but said she already had made plans. I said that's a pity but maybe next time?

Buying her favourite sweets today to send back with the kids on Tuesday next. I have my kids until then and will send photos back of tonight's fun.

I am going to step up the plan from today. I have just received a request from my WW to have the children on my time next week but I am going to suggest that I have already made plans but she is welcome to join us if she likes. See what the response is here.

In potential custody cases, I would jump at every additional opportunity to have the children instead of trying to thwart her plans and preventing her from being free of the kids.

To me, the children and custody time mean more, and may be looked on favorably by a judge in the future. You can even offer to unburden her additionally in the future.

But, Document ALL times and reasons who the children are with.

LTL

By this you mean that it is supposed to be your time to have the kids, but your wife has asked whether she can have them instead.

Thanks,

Will take this inboard.

Exactly, but it suits me as I have a wedding to go to the week following and can't take my kids therefore I need her to have the kids so I've negotiated a win-win for us both and she seems happy with that.

Hi Indiegirl,

strangest thing happened yesterday. I had to pop by my WW business to pick up some things after collecting my children from school. My WW appeared at the door of the business and walked across to the car park to open her car.

We haven't spoken fact to face since just after Christmas yet she said hello. I engaged her in small talk such as how are you, I'm fine etc. It lasted about 15mins and was nice if not a bit surreal. I felt really sad all of a sudden but kept up the happy person that I am generally.

I find it a bit odd that on Monday in court she couldn't look at me across a desk at all but on Friday she is talking to me after nearly 5 months. Maybe (and this is the cynic in me coming out now) as all didn't go so well in the court on Monday for her, she now feels a charm offensive might be a better plan. Her lawyer has told her that what she wants is not what she is going to get upon final settlement.

I asked her to join us for a family meal last night to celebrate my daughter finishing her exams but again she had plans so couldn't make it. I texted her later to say it was nice to talk with her after such a long time. I said she looked well (but she really looked quite down and drawn, tired looking etc.).

She emailed me in reply this morning to an email yesterday that I sent her about a child care plan that I am trying to formalise. I offered to meet her for a coffee and a chat on Monday morning if she liked.

Hey presto she's come back and said yes to meeting at a local hotel at 10.00am Monday coming.

I am a little shocked, again the cynic in me says it's just a meet about the kids or a ploy to charm me into previous submission as regards a settlement, but it's a start nonetheless.

I am lost as to what to say to her about us if the subject arises. I know what I want but don't want to frighten her off or put her under any pressure.

I don't trust her as far as I could throw her given the carry on of her over the last 12months.

Can you advise?

I've every intention in being the Mr. Happy that I am, I'll be well dressed and looking good, smelling good and being positive.

Feeling very vulnerable at this point so help would be appreciated. I'm going to concentrate on avoiding love busters, disrespectful judgements etc. But any advice would be appreciated. I am a strong character but around her my heart melts into mush.

Thanks again for the support,

DD.

Hi LTL,

thanks for the advice.

I have met and agreed my WW this morning (Monday)and agreed a shared care arrangement for the next 6 months or so. She is a bit more amicable now (strangely enough) in relation to the kids.

It was really weird this morning. We met for a coffee for about an hour and had a few laughs although she is very unhappy with me about everything. She brought up past behaviour and I said well you did some bad stuff too but I forgive you. I hope you can forgive me sometime soon.

I asked her how she felt and she said that she just wanted to settle things financially and move on with her life. I said fine but I told her that I have strong feelings for her despite what had happened between us and if there was a way to recover I am ready to work with her.

She denied the affair again saying it was just a friendship and I had ruined that for good. I said that it was more than a friendship and she would have to live with those consequences regardless of whether she admitted it to me or not.

It was fairly amicable, I avoided love busters and disrespectful behaviour as best I could throughout our conversation but fought my corner where appropriate. She even ordered a 2nd cup of coffee (I paid. LOL). She looked terrible, drawn, tired and very sad but I managed to make her smile and laugh a couple of times. I told her she had lost weight and looked good and she said that she had put on weight. Despite that I said "you look great".

When it was time to go we stood outside for a bit and I asked her for a hug. We embraced for a couple of minutes and I told her that I have missed her terribly and her hug was fairly strong. I think she some feelings towards me but I could be wrong.

She climbed into her car and I leant forward and kissed her on the cheek she didn't draw back and although things seemed to go against the conversation of the previous hour. She was pretty adamant that this was the end and she was getting on with her life now.

I asked her for an end to hostility and animosity. She agreed to that at least.

We spoke about our children a lot and some better times that we've had. I explained that my past behaviour was not typical and just out of frustration with her. I did control the money aspect our lives but we were not in debt and that was a good thing.

I told her that I supported her as best I could in the past with her new business and would help out in the future if necessary. She seemed ok with this.

I asked her before she left if she would like to meet for a coffee again and she said yes. Weird that if she wanted to get on with her life, why would she want to meet with me again. When she was driving away my heart sank and I gestured her to smile and worded "it suits you"!

She drove off in the direction of her facilitator Mother's home no doubt for the download and whatever else her mother will have to say.

I am sending back her favourite sweets with my kids tomorrow and might text her later with thanks for meeting me.

What do you folks think? What else can I do from here given she says that this is the end? I ignored her statement of "it's the end", by the way.

Thanks as always,

DD.

Hi Folks,

trying really hard to keep things together now. The animosity from my WW is unbearable.

Found out today that the POSOM is still connected with my wife's business and communicating unabated with her via email.

My lawyer has advised me to not expose further as it will be detrimental to my financial settlement if my wife goes ballistic if I expose further. Also risking harassment charge from the Police too.

Making some progress with harassment order as Police say now that they can't stop me from making a complaint against this POSOM.

I am nearing the end of my tether as my WW keeps threatening me with my children. I have started family mediation session to try and organise a favourable outcome to this matter. I believe that my WW is beyond redemption.

I would appreciate some input and advice. She constantly blames me for everything as the settlement is not going her way. Court date in September looms now.

She says that she doesn't want reconciliation ever. We are finished in her eyes.

I am still happy and firm with any communication but considering a plan B.

Any suggestions would be helpful.

Thanks as ever,

DD

Why are you considering Plan B when Dr. Harley told you in April to stay in Plan A for 6 months?

Did you get on anti-depressants as he suggested?