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Oh Boy, does Melodylane Jr make our live's easier. ![smile smile](/ubbt/images/graemlins/default/smile.gif)
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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UPDATE:
Hi All,
Thanks Brainhurts for the links, they were very informative and sad all at the same time.
Just an update from when I last posted. I attended a financial mediation meeting with my WW a couple of weeks ago and we have managed to negotiate a settlement. I am retaining the former matrimonial home and my WW will get everything else including the business, our Spanish holiday home, all the savings investments and cars etc. The divorce is moving on now.
I am happy enough with the settlement as my WW is afraid that I will look further into her business as she is skimming a lot of cash from it from under the noses of the taxman etc. and I could hang her out to dry. I have no wish to do this as her in poverty puts my kids in poverty.
I received a letter from her lawyer today saying she wants to know push on with the divorce and I fear that the end is finally upon us. I will find it extremely difficult to retain any love for her once she puts the lid on our 20 year marriage and 2 children.
It is a pity that her family were so discouraging of any reconciliation. There was never any attempt despite my numerous olive branches. Her mother drove our divorce from the start, even going to the divorce lawyer with her and the court for so called support! Laughable but true regardless of the effect that it had on my children's emotional wellbeing and myself.
I unfortunately broke down during our mediation meeting as the stress and pain of it became all too unbearable for a short time then. I have tried to cry for over 12 months without any success or tears but I had little difficulty on that day, a couple of weeks ago. For a short time I had to let some of the pain and frustration go and that I did!
My children are very unhappy and sad. My youngest daughter aged 7 says she no longer wants to talk about Mammy and Daddy as it makes her too sad. My eldest now aged 11 says she hates her Mammy for what she has done to her life and her. Also, what she did to her Dad makes her very sad. I love my children with every fibre of my being and my children love me dearly too. That is one of my only consolations in this process that this live is retained.
What am I to do now? My WW has asked for my permission to take the children abroad to Lapland at Christmas and again to Spain next Easter. I suppose she is asking so that is something. In the past she just booked and went. You might ask why the communication in PLAN B? It is by text only and I cannot get anyone to be an intermediary for me as my family are 350 miles away and her friends have all sided with her including her family too. My texts are short (yes and no answers) and I don't engage whatsoever in any chit-chat or polite conversation. I find it a bit strange as she appears to want periodic communication with me. She phones me directly. I never answer and only communicate by text if it's relevant to the children. Other than that I ignore her. It's hard but it helps me.
I also found it very strange that my WW was very unhappy during the mediation meeting and constantly referred to my situation (my job and my new car etc.) as things were alright for me at this time. Her words were full of love busters and I am afraid that I lunged back her on a couple of occasions. It's difficult not to as she can be very spiteful and hurtful with her lies and deceit.
I will email the good Doctor tonight after the kids go to bed and see can he help me further but I fear the end is closing upon us and the time will be near to move on.
I am reading a lot about mid-life crisis and "chaos kids". Does anyone believe that this is relevant in today's EAs as I read a lot of similar behaviour similar to my WW which has made me wonder sometimes if this is her time?
Thanks again for your continued support.
DD.
BH 43 WW 42 DD 11. DD 7. Married 19 years. She left 10-08-2014. She filed for divorce 29-02-2015. Waiting for Final decree absolute just before Christmas 2015.
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I am reading a lot about mid-life crisis and "chaos kids". Does anyone believe that this is relevant in today's EAs as I read a lot of similar behaviour similar to my WW which has made me wonder sometimes if this is her time? You might ask why the communication in PLAN B? It is by text only and I cannot get anyone to be an intermediary for me as my family are 350 miles away and her friends have all sided with her including her family too. Thanks for the update, DD. I would strongly suggest that you go into Plan B. An IM can be 3000 miles away and still do the job. He/she just needs to have access to email and can do the job just fine. I think you will find staying pitch dark will make you feel much better. Staying in your own Plan "C" will make you sick and will ruin any chance of reconciliation. [if there is one] You will lose all of your love for her and she will do the same. "Mid life crisis" is a curious label given to people who have affairs in their 30-40's. I would put it in the same category as "soul mates" and Sasquatch. We can't figure out why people like to say this since all affairs are the same whether one is 20 or 75. Dr. Harley doesn't believe in "mid life crisis" and has suggested before that it is actually a form of denial on the part of the betrayed spouse. Much easier to pretend the affair is due to some mythological "crisis" than a failure in the marriage. We know why people have affairs: they have poor boundaries around the opposite sex.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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For example, if you read the description of "mid life crisis" it describes everyone who has affairs, whether they are 25 or 75. So, it seems odd that this syndrome would be selectively applied to only 30-40 yr olds. I have never been able to figure that out. And lets say there is such a thing as "mid life crisis?" So what? What difference does that make in the treatment? Lets say that water is pouring into your house through a leak in your roof. Does it make any difference if the water is from a hurricane, a monsoon or a rain storm? My point is that the solution is the same: plug the leak.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hi Melodylane,
I hear what you are saying but I am continually accused of being a control freak by my wife and her family (her mother said the same about her dad whom she divorced so I suppose it's a family mantra sort of thing - to blame the husband for their failures).
My WW would not accept an intermediary a while back (April 2015) but maybe I can suggest a member of my family though they are based abroad from where I live in the UK.
My sister has agreed to help out this evening. I have written my WW a plan b letter earlier this year but since we have had a mediation meeting I told her that I didn't want to speak with her, see her or have any communication with her ever again unless it was about the kids because of her betrayal (sorry I know a full on love buster, but anger does get a hold of you when you have been deceived for so long and it continues unabated for nearly two years now). I am approaching the end of my tether with this but need the financial settlement to secure my and my children's future. This will no doubt jeopardise this.
Can someone help with a new plan b letter. I don't want to ruin my settlement chances either after working so hard to get my WW to negotiate and settle with me. I am mindful of advice that I received here that anger doesn't cause divorce but it certainly kicked started mine and drives it forward now so whilst not criticising anyone I am very cautious as my WW has her affluent Dad paying her legal bid and I am almost broke paying for lawyers fees etc.
My WW is surrounded by her business partner (divorced alcoholic and miserable), her Mother (divorced on 3rd husband - each ex-husband their mistake not hers), 2 friends both having multiple affairs (again big drinkers) behind their husbands backs etc. She ignored or has distanced herself from anyone who would speak any reasonable common sense and prefers to mix with people whom will admire her as the local celeb (she runs a popular local coffee house and gift shop).
All help with a plan b letter and feedback is as always, very much appreciated.
DD
BH 43 WW 42 DD 11. DD 7. Married 19 years. She left 10-08-2014. She filed for divorce 29-02-2015. Waiting for Final decree absolute just before Christmas 2015.
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Hi Melodylane,
I hear what you are saying but I am continually accused of being a control freak by my wife and her family (her mother said the same about her dad whom she divorced so I suppose it's a family mantra sort of thing - to blame the husband for their failures). Not sure how this relates, so I won't respond to this. Most waywards accuse their husbands of being "controlling" when they object to their abusive strategies. It doesn't matter. My WW would not accept an intermediary a while back (April 2015) but maybe I can suggest a member of my family though they are based abroad from where I live in the UK. Every wayward objects to an IM and will initially refuse contact. That is just an expectation. But if the WS wants to get a message to the BS, he will have to use the IM. You will need to support your IM by shutting down any direct contact so your WW can't reach you. My sister has agreed to help out this evening. I have written my WW a plan b letter earlier this year but since we have had a mediation meeting I told her that I didn't want to speak with her, see her or have any communication with her ever again unless it was about the kids because of her betrayal (sorry I know a full on love buster, but anger does get a hold of you when you have been deceived for so long and it continues unabated for nearly two years now). I am approaching the end of my tether with this but need the financial settlement to secure my and my children's future. This will no doubt jeopardise this. Ok, but that is not plan B. Plan B means no contact at all. I would send her another letter cutting off all contact. Can your sister resist the urge to tell her off? That is the basic problem with close family members. They are too emotionally involved. All help with a plan b letter and feedback is as always, very much appreciated.
DD Here is the recommended letter: Sample Plan B letter, from SAA (revised edition) pages 77-78: My Dearest __________, I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair possible. I foolishly pursued my goals without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake. [Add your willingness to address other complaints that the unfaithful spouse may have communicated prior to the affair.] I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship once and for all. Living with you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it. Until your affair ends, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friends, ________, have agreed to help make arrangements for you to see our children on schedule that is mutually convenient. They will provide transportation. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through them. I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you th is way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are together. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions. As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship, follow precautions to avoid absolutely any contact with the other person, and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be wiling to discuss our future together with you. I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend. I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day. But I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in this relationship. With all my love, (signed)
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hi Melody,
thanks for your reply.
I sent a similar letter on advice from Dr. Harley back in April this year but went back into Plan A on his advice for 6 months, after speaking with him on his radio show.
I think that if I send that same letter as you've suggested it is a repeat of where I have been before and she will suspect that I am being coached (rightly so) and lock up totally. She has too many facilitators and idiots around her now.
I am going to write to her but will say it in my own words that as the divorce is now imminent and as a result of her behaviour I don't wish to communicate with her in any way apart from through my sister (IM). My sister is a very kind person and will not get involved emotionally by telling her off. She is too nice for that. My sister like me, feels immensely sad for my children and for my WW too that she is wrecking her life for no reason apart from a POSOM who doesn't care for her and uses her for his own sexual gratification.
I am going to make a complaint to his governing body as soon as my divorce is through (I am not going to risk her stepping back from my financial settlement at his late stage). This will cause further angst between them both and their affair. I get the impression that this POSOM is under pressure and is not meeting with her. His boat that they used to meet on is now in the marina in a prominent position and marked "For Sale". Maybe his wife has put the boot in and furnished him with an ultimatum. As far as I am aware he is still with his own wife as he told my WW after she walked out on me that he would never leave his own W and start again as he had done that once before earlier in life and never again!
My WW looks absolutely terrible, drawn and ill. She got her hair done recently, cut short and it looks dire. Even my children told her that they didn't like it and that upset her (so they tell me). I suppose it's an attempt at new hair - new woman.
Recently, I have made a number of good positive changes myself. I started smoking about a year ago after a 15 year gap but 4 weeks ago I stopped. It is really hard as I want to smoke right now but must keep off them as my children were very upset that I started back on them. They weren't born when I smoked so this was a major shock to them as they are major anti-smoking. I went sailing with a group of friends a couple of weeks ago. Something which I did a number of years ago (22 to be precise)and loved it. Don't know why I never took it up as a hobbie until now. Also I've joined a walking group which is great for starting a new group of friends and extending the network.
I feel that I have made some major changes in my life but my WW has not moved on at all.
What I find very strange and most people I speak with about my situation are baffled by it too is that throughout this whole process, and even though my WW was told early doors by her POSOM that her affair was just that "an affair", she has never made any attempt whatsoever to try and reconcile with me in any way. I know I shouldn't dwell on this but it baffles and hurts me dearly! All this pain for her, my children and me and nothing out of it at the end only the destruction of our marriage, family and relationship?
What makes it even more strange is that my WW has started taking my youngest daughter to mass on a Sunday while she is in her care. She was never a mass-goer until now. My youngest is making her Holy Communion next year, so it is sort of mandatory but the hypocrisy of it all is astounding. She hasn't admitted an affair to me so I doubt God will get much of a confession either.
Thanks for the support and God bless you all.
D_D
BH 43 WW 42 DD 11. DD 7. Married 19 years. She left 10-08-2014. She filed for divorce 29-02-2015. Waiting for Final decree absolute just before Christmas 2015.
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I sent a similar letter on advice from Dr. Harley back in April this year but went back into Plan A on his advice for 6 months, after speaking with him on his radio show. I remember now! How did your Plan A go? Do you think she views you as a safe and attractive place to land? Is her affair still active?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hi Melody,
my plan A wasn't good. It started out as Plan A at Christmas last year, I exposed fully - in fact total nuclear in January 2015 but it made her extremely angry and she issued divorce proceedings immediately and reported me to the Police for harassment. She believes that her address book of 400 people was exposed to but this is factually incorrect. She believes I hacked her email address, recorded all her phone calls etc. -the truth of which I can't comment on. She continually harps on about these points time and time again every time we met recently even at family and financial mediation. I denied all what was untrue.
I have been pleasant and kind in the majority of our communications despite what she had done to me including the report to the Police. I have love busted a lot over the last few weeks through mediation process but I need a settlement if this process is not going to work. Despite this I am still heavily in debt.
My original plan a morphed into a Plan B and then after speaking to Dr. Harley a revised Plan A followed now (6 months later) by a proper Plan B which will begin this weekend. I will be divorced probably within the next 12 or so weeks and my wife is ironically divorcing me for unreasonable behaviour. She has never reached out to any of my olive branches in the last 15 months.
I believe that her affair is now a distant one but possibily still active but I will start my further exposure upon receipt of my divorce Decree by complaining to the POSOM's governing body about the affair. This I know will cause a lot of friction again between them both. My WW has continually said that I have ruined her "friendship" with this POSOM but he remains as her accountant. I don't seem to see be a safe zone to return to despite my best efforts. She is too easily led by too many bad friends, family without any morals and too many facilitators. They all say, "Get your new home, new house, new hairstyle and things will be great". But it doesn't get better for her but worse as she will always be on her own.
I am close to the end of this process but I can always say that I tried regardless of what anyone says.
Thanks for your help.
D_D
BH 43 WW 42 DD 11. DD 7. Married 19 years. She left 10-08-2014. She filed for divorce 29-02-2015. Waiting for Final decree absolute just before Christmas 2015.
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I do not see any other way to go.
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Hi All,
Can I get some help with a Plan B letter. I sent a letter similar to MelodyLane's (suggested format above) back in Aril this year so I don't wish repeat myself, go over old ground again and appear to being coached.
I am very angry and conscious of not making love busting remarks etc. in the letter. I would appreciate any tips.
Thanks again for your help and support.
D_D
BH 43 WW 42 DD 11. DD 7. Married 19 years. She left 10-08-2014. She filed for divorce 29-02-2015. Waiting for Final decree absolute just before Christmas 2015.
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Why not keep it short and simple and refer her back to the previous letter?
Something like, "Dear Wife, my offer still stands to create a loving marriage with you in which we both meet each other's needs. I believe in us, and I know we could do it. However, until you end your affair, I can have no further communication with you, because it is too painful for me. I ask that you respect my wishes and only communicate indirectly with me from now on unless you are willing to recommit to our marriage."
Remarried 7/16 Thanks MB!
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Thanks nmwb77,
I have sent a text a couple of weeks ago but unfortunately my feelings got the better of me again and I love busted a few times. This is the most difficult thing that I have ever experienced in my life and I suppose I feel that it would have been a lot easier to give up and walk away. The anger I feel is difficult to control. I don't shout or scream but tend to write down my feelings which I happened to send to her. She is still in contact with this POSOM as he is her accountant, so the kids have told me. She texts and whatsapp him regularily. he is obviously loving it. I am awaiting the finalising of my financial settlement and will expose further with a complaint to his professional body once this is done. I have no more money to fight the divorce and the settlement will stop the lawyers bill and further waste of money.
My Sister abroad in another country has agreed to be the intermediary for now. My WW is not happy in the least with this new arrangement. She has turned into somewhat of a control freak or am I just discovering her natural behaviour when I have had the rose tinted spectacles on for the last 20 years or so. I have always done more or less what she wanted regardless of my own feelings and maybe this was part of my downfall.
Her Mother did much the same to her Father (affair(s) and divorce), in fact she's on husband 3.
My WW tried to call me a few times but has somewhat given up and I have blocked her number now. She does not like the lack of contact and control over me. My WW describes me as a child and an adolescent. She has tried to text me and email but again I have blocked her out of my phone/life. She even asks that I pick up the kids at her house. I say yes on 1 condition and that is that I stay away down the road and she doesn't approach the car. I phone my eldest daughter and the children come to me down the road. This is only necessary once every two weeks or so. I have asked her to stay away from my home from now on. I have told her that she cannot ick up or drop off at my Home anymore. She is very angry and said that she will not communicate with my sister but I have replied through my sister that this is the only way I will communicate with her, indirectly.
Another strange thing happened last week after the Plan B Messgae was sent. My daughter is being bullied by another classmate who bizarrely is my WW's best friend's daughter. She keeps saying that the reason that our marriage has broken down is that I am a control freak which is part of my WW's mantra thrying to deflect the real reason for the breakdown and her affair. I have reported this to the school and told my daughter that I would be addressing this behaviour and meeting her Head Teacher. The child's Mother harassed me and came to my house where she started screaming and shouting. I secretly recorded this behaviour and asked her to leave if she didn't want to deal with the Police. My wife then called by phone 20 mins later and asked my DD if she would like to go around to this Lady's house. My WW is off her head! Her friend was screaming at my DD and obviusly will try and protect that friendship over and above the welfare of her own daughter. Bizarre!
I didn't add to the drama at all but ignored this run of behaviour. I am seeing the head teacher tomorrow to discuss the bullying matter further. No doubt my WW will be wanting to create drama again to boost her ratings amongst her affair friends and telling them how bad a man that I am.
However I push on. Work hard, play hard and enjoy my kids as they grow up. Christmas approaches again and we are seperated even further so it seems now and I am not looking forward to it. I will put the brave face on for the children and get past it. I still love my WW but this love is fading fast!
The thing I find really strange about my wife is that she is not in any hurry to end the marriage or so it seems. We have an adjournment for 5 motnhs now but can settle anytime in between. She (or her lawyer) takes so long to do anything. It has been three/four weeks since we mediated the financial settlement. My lawyer is hounding me to chase my WW for the divorce and my WW's solicitor hasnt written in 3 weeks. Other professonals whom know her lawyer say that she is normally very astute in her dealings with matters. I can only presume that this is my wife slowing the process down as she is unsure but just being carried along by the drama and her idiot friends.
What do you all think?
Meanwhile I have joined walking group and am starting to build slowly a new network of friends while getting excercise and feesh air!
Even is this is the ned of my marriage I will be a better person, stronger, more resilient and try not to be bitter and twisted.
Thanks again for your help and support.
God Bless, D_D
BH 43 WW 42 DD 11. DD 7. Married 19 years. She left 10-08-2014. She filed for divorce 29-02-2015. Waiting for Final decree absolute just before Christmas 2015.
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She's not in a hurry because the status quo suits her just fine. Her lawyer isn't in a hurry, because it runs up the bill and helps him finance his yacht.
Incidentally, her OM isn't serious about her. If he was, he'd be pressuring her to speed up the divorce.
Keep up your Plan B. Your anger will subside. After a while you will simply pity her. She's throwing her life away, and if she doesn't wake up, she'll end up like her mother moving from relationship to relationship.
Remarried 7/16 Thanks MB!
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My WW tried to call me a few times but has somewhat given up and I have blocked her number now. She does not like the lack of contact and control over me. My WW describes me as a child and an adolescent. She has tried to text me and email but again I have blocked her out of my phone/life. She even asks that I pick up the kids at her house. I say yes on 1 condition and that is that I stay away down the road and she doesn't approach the car. I phone my eldest daughter and the children come to me down the road. This is only necessary once every two weeks or so. I have asked her to stay away from my home from now on. I have told her that she cannot ick up or drop off at my Home anymore. She is very angry and said that she will not communicate with my sister but I have replied through my sister that this is the only way I will communicate with her, indirectly. Bravo to you!! You have handled this perfectly. Isn't it so funny how 99% of WS's all act the same when a BS goes into Plan B? All of a sudden, they are furious that they cannot contact the person they supposedly wanted to get away from so badly?? You are correct that her anger comes from not being in control anymore. So sorry to hear about your poor daughter being bullied and the crazy mother! I hope you can get that resolved for her.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks Melody,
You are 100% right. She doesn't want me anymore but she is so angry with me because I won't speak or communicate with her, absolutely bizarre. As Dr. Harley says, Plan B gives the WW an idea of what a divorce actually is like (the loneliness) and it's not pretty from either side of the fence never mind my poor children's life perspective!
I went to my DD's school today and had very constructive talks with two head teachers there and they will be offering my daughter full pastoral support if she requires it. They will be watching my DD for now and also warned this other girl for her behaviour. I told them that my wife and I were seperated and the children were suffering greatly through this process. My DD was being bullied by a daughter of her close friend about apparently my WW describing me to all her friends as "a control freak" and that was the reason why she left me. No mention of her POSOM, her adulterous affair, he lies and the deceit. Her close friend was obviusly discussing my WW's situation in front of her 11 year old daughter which I find disgusting but I suppose birds of a father flock together.
I am working on with Plan B and we will see what happens. If there are any updates I will back to report.
Thanks all for your support and God Bless you.
D_D
BH 43 WW 42 DD 11. DD 7. Married 19 years. She left 10-08-2014. She filed for divorce 29-02-2015. Waiting for Final decree absolute just before Christmas 2015.
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Hi All,
Just a quick update:
I was very down at the end of the last week so I rang the court service just to see if this divorce was moving forward or not, as there was little in the way of any correspondence between lawyers. I have become very frustrated by the lack of any progress either way and limbo is not a nice to to be.
The court service has said that my WW's lawyer has applied on the 28th October last for a "decree nisi" which should be through by the end of December. Then my wife is free to apply for a "decree absolute" which will finalise the divorce and destroy the marriage. If it is to be so be it. At this stage I grow weary of it all and think sometimes moving on is the best thing for me to do. I just joined another walking group and extended my network of new friends further. It's great for the stress, getting out and about in the healthy fresh air with nice conversation with like minded individuals
My WW is very unhappy with my "PLAN B". She has told my intermediary twice now that she will not communicate with me through this method and wants a direct lne of communication with me. What can I do here? Any suggestions would be helpful.
It is very difficult because my wife is now using my 11 year old DD to pass messages through which I don't like. She continues to make selfish demands with shared costs for clothing etc. She inflates the cost (I have checked) in order that I will cover at least 75% of the money. I can't really figure out that behaviour but can only presume that it is a punishment for ending (or disrupting) her affair.
I find it really hard to accept that she has never once considered reconciliation of any sort but then I am all too mindful of "Sue and John" in the good Dr's book, so I always consider that situation when feeling that way - which helps.
I will continue to use the intermediary despite her protestations - help would be appreciated :-)
Can anyone suggest how I can get around her constant complaints not wishing to communicate through a third party as I feel very guilty (I don't know why?).
Thanks as ever.
D_D
BH 43 WW 42 DD 11. DD 7. Married 19 years. She left 10-08-2014. She filed for divorce 29-02-2015. Waiting for Final decree absolute just before Christmas 2015.
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My WW is very unhappy with my "PLAN B". She has told my intermediary twice now that she will not communicate with me through this method and wants a direct lne of communication with me. What can I do here? Any suggestions would be helpful.
It is very difficult because my wife is now using my 11 year old DD to pass messages through which I don't like. She continues to make selfish demands with shared costs for clothing etc. She inflates the cost (I have checked) in order that I will cover at least 75% of the money. I can't really figure out that behaviour but can only presume that it is a punishment for ending (or disrupting) her affair.
I will continue to use the intermediary despite her protestations - help would be appreciated :-)
Can anyone suggest how I can get around her constant complaints not wishing to communicate through a third party as I feel very guilty (I don't know why?). You should never hear her complaints! Tell your daughter that she is not to pass on messages from her mother. She can say: "Dad said if you want to send him a message to contact IM otherwise he won't get it. " And if she brings a paper or a message just toss it in the paper shredder! All you have to do is stop taking her messages. Don't take any messages that are not relayed through the IM. Don't read them, don't listen to them. When you stop responding she will get the message. Almost ALL WS's resist Plan B because they don't like losing control. You just have to stick to your guns. Once you do that, I expect she will get her attorney to send you a threatening letter to scare you into direct contact. That is how much WS's hate Plan B. If that happens, your attorney needs to back you up.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Jan 2015
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Hi All,
Happy New Year.
Just thought I'd check in and keep you up to speed with my situation.
Plan B is not easy but it's getting easier as time goes by. I take things day by day.
My Decree Nisi has been pronounced as of 30th December 2015 and there is no legal impediment now for my divorce to be complete in 6 weeks and a days time (she can apply for absolute then). The day passed by without much of a thought really (a friend did remind me though funnily) as I was busy with my kids having fun as we have had throughout the Christmas and New Year break. They spent the majority of the time with me by arrangement as my wife was partying with her enabling friends who were home from abroad. She has turned into a really selfish individual leaving her kids at any turn but I suppose all waywards act in the same way as melodylane has eluded to somewhat recently. She calls them some days and spends no more than 5 minutes on the phone with them. She has even now instigated "counselling" for my youngest child as she seems like the "caring Mother" and is trying to recover some notion of her caring for the welfare of her two children! She says that she needs it because of our breakup. Well doh! Imagine that, but I suppose that is all my fault because as everything else appears to have been. She used this as a tactic to try to get me to talk with her. I refused, referred her to the IM and on we go.
I did received a nasty letter from my WW's Lawyer on Christmas Eve though which wasn't nice. Someone has apparently sent her boyfriend a Christmas card which has gotten him very annoyed and they think that it was me. I can't think of who would do that ;-). He must have instructed her again (3rd time now) to contact her lawyer to threaten me but the threats are hollow or so it seems, to send me a nasty letter threatening all sorts of non-molestation orders, Police, harassment etc. I replied thanking them for the letter and told them I only send Christmas cards to my family and friends and this "posom" was neither. Lol. It felt great not replying in an annoyed fashion like I would normally. My Mother used to say "sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me"! I'm sure they both weren't impressed. The lawyers letters worry me very little as I don't care about hollow threats anymore. I've lived through a lot so far and whatever will be, will be!
I am considering a harassment complaint to the Police against him as he is using her to make false allegations against me which are unfounded. What do you think? He is clever enough not to spend his own money on a lawyer and uses her to spend the money. I will be making the complaint against him to him professional body very soon as soon as my divorce financial situation is secure. I am sure we will see skin and hair flying them between them both. They are obviously still in close contact if she is making representations on behalf of him to her lawyer!
My WW has tried to contact me directly a couple of times since I went into plan B and tries to communicate through the children a lot but I get my IM to remind her of the plan and she climbs back into her hole reluctantly. She still demands to come to my Home to drop off the children, making dramas at every opportunity but I just think "immature" and I move along. I don't let her call to my home as I pick up the kids from her house every time, albeit from a parked-up position just down the road. I haven't spoken to her now for nearly 3 months and I don't really miss her. Her parents goad her a lot (well I get that impression in anyway especially her Mother) as when I went to drop off the kids she wanted to pick them up from my home but I said no way. Everyone got annoyed and she demanded but I didn't give in. I left my Home early to drop the kids off at hers so she had no real choice in the matter. Her Mother still has control of her Dad over 35 years after their divorce. They (her mother, father and her mother's 3rd husband) all sit down to Christmas lunch every year - all kissy, kissy, huggy, huggy and with presents etc. Sickening if you ask me but this is the way that her Mother has retained control of her father (who is obviously waiting for her to return) over the past 30 years or so. I refuse to be led along like that. If it won't work out then I will rid her of my life for good. If this marriage is to end well so be it. I have tried my best, fought the battle to save my marriage and couldn't do anymore than what I have tried.
I think she is now resigned to the demise of our marriage and she has little in her love bank left for me. I still care for her dearly (mad and all as I think I am sometimes) but I suppose you don't give up your family, your home country, your friends and everything that goes with that, spend 20 years with someone, have two beautiful children and then put her in a bin even though I feel like it a lot of the time, for what she has done to me over the last few years.
Got to run now as I need to finish my legal stuff. I have sacked my lawyer as I am near the end of the process and can't afford to pay him in anyway. Eating is more advantageous than a new yacht for a lawyer. Lol.
Thanks for being there and listening to me. Any further advice would be much appreciated.
One question though. Why would someone waste their life which such a nasty piece of S**t? HE cares nothing for her. She is besotted by him. I am amazed, dumbfounded, baffled to the extent that I could walk away tomorrow but I suppose it's all part of life's great mysteries.
I wish you all a Happy, Peaceful and Prosperous New Year 2016.
D_D.
BH 43 WW 42 DD 11. DD 7. Married 19 years. She left 10-08-2014. She filed for divorce 29-02-2015. Waiting for Final decree absolute just before Christmas 2015.
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Thanks for the update D_D. Been following your story for a while, you've been through the ringer. You are handling it with class and executing the plan to a T. Good things are in your future.
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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