Do you have the book SAA?

Yes, read that book. That's why I'm asking.

Is there anybody here who made a successful Plan A?

Yes.

I'd listen to markos very closely if I were you.

You vanished for a month again. Didn't I post already about how this is a daily program and has to be applied daily?

Are you on antidepressants?

Hi Markos,

First of all thank you for support!

Here is my way of implementing Plan A:
- avoiding her love busters (I know them)
- making effort for fulfilling her emotional needs (which I am capable. As she doesn't want to spend time together...)
- spending a lot of time with the children, putting a lot of effort to family life.
- Avoiding arguing, talks about the affair.
- making efforts to improve myself: both in body and in mind
- no antidepressants

Why I'm a little bit desperate:
- she claimed her affair is ended. Not because of me, it's just ended, as she doesn't trust in OM anymore
- unfortunately they are in daily contact. No meeting, only Internet. But still, she is in love with the OM.
- OM claimed affair is not ended. He is trying, be she keeps a definite distance. However she tells him, "I love you", but she doesn't want to meet him regularly, or at all.
- OM's wife, she knows everything.
- our divorce papers are filled in, process started by her
- meanwhile, our relationship became much closer. We are speaking again, about deep topics. We laugh together sometimes.
- no sex.

So, I thought it's quite a promising progress, generally.

I need to make myself force to follow Plan A. It's very hard. It'd be very easy to leave, but the children (3, 5) make me stay. And, I love her, too.

Some days ago I noticed a text message on her phone. I'm not spying, it was obvious, appearing on the screen. I lost control, I was behaving as child, crying in my bed.

There is nothing wrong with spying, and there is nothing wrong with her seeing that you are upset, so long as you don't engage in love busters. It would be a bigger mistake to not react at all. She might interpret no reaction as a lack of care.

I had a successful Plan A. I didn't hide my feelings, but I didn't beat my wife over the head with them, either. Now, years into recovery, my wife is determined to never again do anything that would hurt me so much as the affair did.

I close the thread. Affair is over, I am still doing Plan A. The athmosphere is pretty good at home, the children are happy...

But...

I open a new thread about this 'but'.

First of all I'd like to say thanks to anybody whoever posted into my previous topic.

I am pretty sure my wife closed her affair. The affair died kind of natural death.

She is not a zombie anymore. She smiles, she can concentrate on the kids 100% again. Even more, she is smiling at me. She started very serious spiritual work to recover, I believe. She goes to the mass again. She is going for consulting.

She admires that I am with her, my plan A. It is something I am proud of, to be honest.

She tells me she really enjoys my company again. It feels much better with me than without me, she says. We can laugh, we can work together. We spent a wonderful Christmas together with our children, 3 and 5.

But. She files for divorce as she is not attracted to me anymore. No sexual desire. She cannot imagine sex with me. Frankly, she can, but no desire. Do you get the point? She sleeps with me, but no sex... She is suffering because of lack of sexuality, I also suffer, we sleep together, but she just does not consider myself a sexual partner.

I want her to be sexy again. I want her to be mad about me, as I felt she was before. She says she was never mad about me, but my memories say the opposite.

Any advice is more than welcomed. I am not a native English speaker, I hope my post is clear enough. Pretty hard to write about this issue, frankly.

Please stick to one thread..MBeliever

I would go back to your thread on Surviving an Affair so you can work on saving your marriage.

How do you know the affair is over? Will she write a NC letter?

Please remind me, do you have the book SAA?

Believe me, affair is over.

I read the book, however what I need is not an ad, but some advice and experiences what people have done in my shoes.

An ad? What does that mean? The advice we have for you is in the book Surviving an Affair. Have you read it?

And how do you know the affair is over? Does she ever have any contact with him at all. EVER?

Can you answer the questions?

She told me she has no interest in OM anymore. She stopped messaging. He tried to visit her, she refused.
No text messages are coming to her phone anymore.

Obviously, I cannot monitor three laptops and computers in her company. I don't even want to do it.

She is a free person. It's her decision if she wants to be with the only real man who loves her, with the father of her children, with a childhood friend, with her first lover: with me.

I won't spy on her anymore, I did it a year ago, I'm tired of this.

She is free to go, I won't beg on my knees. I told her I love her, I told her I don't want a woman more than her, but I also told her she is free to leave me or divorce.

I want her to love me again.

I want her to desire me, not just be with me because it's comfortable or because of the children.

But I don't want to force her to do anything.

I am confused. Please show me one place where anyone suggested you "FORCE" her to do anything? What we suggested is that you hold her accountable by snooping. How can you possibly do that if you don't snoop? You obviously can't address any potential problems if you don't snoop. It was blind trust that led to this affair in the first place.

You are asking us to help you without even knowing if the affair is really over. We have to know it is over in order to help you move forward. You can't solve problems when you don't have all the facts.

I would also add that "stay or go, I don't care" would make any W (wayward or not) think her husband, well, doesn't care!

We say avoid being a doormat but also not to be indifferent. I love you and will fight for you is what women respond to.

Are you interested in following the MB plan?

Agree with alis, you don't seem to care very much.

So, nada unless she loves you right off the bat?

Do you understand the lovebank model?

If so, you'd know it is IMPOSSIBLE for her to love you until the A is over, withdrawal and 15,hours UA.

It's not pixie dust. Love isn't sprinkled above by Cupid. You're going to have to create any love if you want it. Does that involve bothering to snoop? You betcha.

Divorce her if you want to, no BS is obligated to recover, but make up your mind. All in or all out? Because waiting for pixie dust is not a plan.