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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
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When we're together I just don't know how to be around him.... Do I still hug him and kiss him, do I keep my distance? You should MOVE and go into Plan B. Plan B is cutting off all contact entirely. Hanging around makes you look like an unattractive option.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Hi there, I'll try and keep this story as short as I can...
My husband and I got together when we were 17, married years later at the age of 30. We thought we had the perfect relationship but weren't aware of the useal marriage strains.... Too much work, stress, blame, household chores, feeling unwanted, lack of a sex life.... etc.
I had an affair with a work colleague three years ago which nearly put an end to our marriage. We didn't want to end it but instead ended up in limbo because neither of us knew how to fix us and we both put up protective walls. I found it hard to get over the other person and my husband found it hard to get over he resentment. We tried counselling but I didn't commit.
After a year in limbo my husband then went online and had an affair with someone. He got found out and then promised not to see her again and work on our marriage.
We didn't have the tools to work on our marriage so again ended up in limbo.
Since last August I have found out that my husband has continued to see this woman even though he promised not to.
We still live together and sleep together, we have a sexual relationship and sometimes act like nothing has happened. He knows that I am committed to making this work and have bought number out marriage help books so I have all the tools to help us reconnect.
My issues is that as soon as he sees her he comes home and says he's going to move out because of her but then after arguing he'll still want a hug or a kiss.
It's like an addiction he can't control, he can't help but sneak off to see her and he won't unfriend off of Facebook. He feels guilty if he doesn't see her....
I have told him that we could have an amazing marriage if we reconnected but I have no chance all the time he is addicted to her.
What can I do?? I don't want to throw away 17 years just because he is struggling with an addiction? She lives 30mins away and is already a single mum with two kids.
I have totally removed my wall and am really open and willing to make this work just by the information I have read. Every time I try and tell him bits of info he sees that I'm lecturing and patronising him. I just don't know how I can make him see past his affair to what he's really throwing away
Any ideas? You need to move far away. You need to start a new life in a new location. Dr Harley makes this recommendation to a woman in one of his Q&A columns, which I will find for you later. He recommends that the wife in a situation like yours, where her H cannot give up his addiction, moves away by herself if her H won't agree straight away. If they get back together, they cannot live in that house and that area again, so the wife might as well get that process started on her own. Start making plans to move away. If you have a mother that you can live with, do that. Abandon the life you have now if you want this heartache to end.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
When we're together I just don't know how to be around him.... Do I still hug him and kiss him, do I keep my distance? You should MOVE and go into Plan B. Plan B is cutting off all contact entirely. Hanging around makes you look like an unattractive option.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 991
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This is really strange. Do you read what people are telling you? Go into Plan B. Move.
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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Joined: Sep 2014
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This is really strange. Do you read what people are telling you? Go into Plan B. Move.
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
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You are certainly making yourself unattractive by competing for him.
Have his bags packed while he's out, change the locks, send off his stuff and get an intermediary so you can change your number.
You must not think much of yourself to have not done this sooner.
Oh and give the OS friends a wide berth. The aim is dignity and keeping high boundaries in all circumstances. Don't be a sitting duck for the type of man who likes unhappy married women.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Jan 2015
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Yes you did, and I'm planning on following that when he gets back from his trip.
I just thought someone might have had a similar experience or knew what was going through his head to act like I mention above - is that normal behaviour?
Many thanks
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Joined: Sep 2014
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Yes, it is normal for a wayward. There is no way you can "act" that will make sense for a wayward. They are looking to find anything they can to demonize you (my WH told me that me waiting a couple of days to put away the laundry was one of the reasons he left, not the other woman), while trying to make sure that you aren't going anywhere and will keep trying to attract them back.
This doesn't work for WHs at all. Men will just play both sides as your WH is doing. As long as you don't do anything, he won't do anything. He wants to keep you as an option, but you have to make it clear to him that you aren't actually optional. He married YOU, not her. You are not optional. He either acts like a husband and treats you like a wife, or you are gone.
In your Plan B letter, you can make it clear that you are willing to meet his needs IF he ends his affair, but don't try to meet his needs now. He will just take advantage of it and not meet yours (especially your need for fidelity for crying out loud) and think that that is acceptable behavior. It is not.
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Yes you did, and I'm planning on following that when he gets back from his trip. Is there a reason why you are waiting? I just thought someone might have had a similar experience or knew what was going through his head to act like I mention above - is that normal behaviour? Yes, it is normal behavior for a wayward. But you should not focus on that. Focus on going into Plan B.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Oct 2007
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Hi there,
So my husband has been having an affair for over 6months now and this addiction just keeps getting worse.
It's totally out in the open, I know about it and so do friends and family. He continually contradicts himself... Saying he's going to move out and then telling me he still loves me and doesn't want a divorce.
He's totally addicted to this person and he says things like.... I can't help it, it's too late now, I can't stop it.... Like its drawing him in uncontrollably rather than him making the decisions. He says he try's not to love me and hates hurting me.
Anyway.... He keeps going to see her, sometimes he lies and sometimes he just says he's off to see her.... Like I'm suppose to accept it!?!
One evening he went to see her and didn't come back until the following day. During that time I tried phoning, messaging, facebooking and he wouldn't reply even though I could see he was online. I told him he was hurting me loads by putting her on his pedestal and treating me like dirt. Apparently while I was trying to contact him they were out shopping and playing the 'happy couple' even looked at a flat!
The next night he came home from work and saw I was dishing up my own dinner - he got really off with me because I hadn't done him some and then he went on to moan that I hadn't contacted him all day and why didn't I phone him!? He said that his other woman was always contacting him saying how much she was missing him and loved him so he asked why I couldn't do the same???!
I just don't know what to do now?? Should I be playing it cool and not contacting him or is it backfiring and he's just using it as another excuse why he should choose her and not me because she's attentive? I'm sooo confused!! Is he playing mind games? You are currently in Plan C - the plan most likely to lead to divorce and lead to a nervous break down. Plan B is win-win . It (1) forces the cake-eating wayward to get ALL needs met by the OW - fantasy crumbles quicker, (2) preserves your sanity and health and (3) preserves your emotional energy and love for your WH in the event that he comes back to the M. There is no need to wait. Him being gone is the perfect time to go into Plan B.
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Joined: Nov 2013
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You need to go into Plan B IMMEDIATELY. Your husband is making a checklist of pros and cons with the both of you. That's what cheaters do! You can't play this game because you can't win it. He's gaslighting you. He doesn't have any respect for you and you'll lose respect for yourself. GET OUT NOW!!! Please save yourself!
His friends and family know about his horrible behavior? If they are not saying anything or chastizing him, they are adding to the problem.
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He keeps going to see her, sometimes he lies and sometimes he just says he's off to see her.... Like I'm suppose to accept it!?! But you are accepting it. He has learned from your response that this is totally acceptable. He said that his other woman was always contacting him saying how much she was missing him and loved him so he asked why I couldn't do the same???! Okay, I'll bite...he is asking you to directly compete with his OW (and you are signing up for the job from the way that you've described it to us) so that he can delight in seeing how you both will fall all over yourselves proving how great his life will be with you. Even if you "win" the prize and he "chooses" you...you will have won nothing...because he is thinking with his wayward mind and is not presently a buyer in this relationship. Your marriage will limp along and continue to be a crippled version of what you felt like when you were both in love. Please read back through all of the posts made for you. I'm sorry, but you will NOT ever get what you are wishing for by enabling your H's addiction.
DDays - six months of them THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders. We never knew that it could be this good! 
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,439 Likes: 4
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Please read this and listen to the clips in here. BSs.....Plan C is not a Plan
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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