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...I did my best to stifle the voice inside me that said I wasn't strongly attracted to her physically.
This has brought me much grief in the years since. ...
So my question to all of you veteran MBers out there; what to do? Is it possible to have ones need for physical attractiveness met in this scenario by following MB principles? ...
I'm not a veteran and I'm also curious to see what they say. But I do have a question for you: To the extent that you are not physically attracted to her, is there anything she can do about it? (like lose weight, exercise more, change her style, etc?) Or is she simply physically just "not your type?"
IHonestly, I have doubts as to the possibility of us having a deep romantic relationship for this and other reasons. So my question to all of you veteran MBers out there; what to do? Is it possible to have ones need for physical attractiveness met in this scenario by following MB principles? To have romantic love don't you have to have your needs met?
Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
I've had several cases like yours where a husband never did find his wife attractive, even when they were dating, but married her for a variety of reasons, usually because she was pregnant. My approach is to help her make as many Love Bank deposits as possible in ways that do not require physical attractiveness, mostly with recreational companionship. My standard assignment is for them to exercise together regularly, and to be together for all leisure and recreational activities. One husband who I counseled, and followed my plan even though he didn't think it would work, called me from his car one day to tell me that for the first time in his relationship with his wife, he was in love. He couldn't wait to be with her, and he found her to be very physically attractive.
While it's true that physical appearance can make massive Love Bank deposits with someone who is not in love, being in love can make an otherwise plain looking person look physically attractive.
So in summary, I would suggest that you focus your attention on exercising together (which would help shape her up), and don't do anything recreational without her. But when you exercise, avoid having other women, especially attractive women, exercising with you. And remember my cardinal rule: 15 hours of undivided attention every week spent in meeting the emotional needs of affection, conversation, sexual fulfillment, and recreational companionship. I wouldn't tell her that you don't find her attractive, though. Instead, I would invite her to join you in these activities that you feel would bring you closer together.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
I am wondering if she and I are sufficiently compatible to have a happy marriage, here is one reason why.
In the 3 to 4 years before we met, I was a part of a group from which I learned that it was evil to want a physically attractive woman. We met in a way which seemed the "elders" approved of our relationship. For these several reasons, I did my best to stifle the voice inside me that said I wasn't strongly attracted to her physically.
This has brought me much grief in the years since. Up until recently I was loathe to verbalize this at all primarily because I didn't want to hurt her feelings, secondarily because it's not "spiritual" to want a hot woman and thirdly because telling your wife anything but that she's the most beautiful woman in the world is grounds for a society sanctioned maiming. Not wanting to be maimed or to seem unspiritual, I continued stifling that desire.
Enter MB. One of the principles of which is that physical attractiveness is a legitimate need. This was good news! And since another principle is radical honesty, I had no choice but to fess up.
Honestly, I have doubts as to the possibility of us having a deep romantic relationship for this and other reasons. So my question to all of you veteran MBers out there; what to do? Is it possible to have ones need for physical attractiveness met in this scenario by following MB principles? To have romantic love don't you have to have your needs met?
(I am now bracing for societal maiming)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, it goes back to PoJA again. As well as UA time.
PoJA: find some things that you feel can be realistically improved in her appearance that you would find appealing (weight loss, hair style, make up, manner of dress) and find points that she would enthusiastically agree to meeting.
UA: Start hitting UA goals of 25+ hours a week of UA time. Real UA time. Find activities you mutually enjoy to meet the intimate need of recreational companionship. During that, meet the needs of Intimate Conversation and Affection. Close out your dates meeting the need for Sexual Fulfillment in a manner that is mutually fulfilling.
My wife and I combine these two; we shop for RC time - I help her pick out out outfits that meet a standard of her liking, and I find appealing. Then we follow up with dinner.
If you focus on being pleasant companions, and your wife works towards a look that you find appealing, you will find her attractive.
If she meets your other needs expertly, and you two stop with the petty arguing and Love Bank withdrawals, you will find her appealing.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
We had a discussion this evening which didn't end well. We were discussing certain aspects of how interest is calculated for different types of loans. She was explaining this to one of the boys and at one point I expressed doubt that she was accurately describing the facts about a loan that we have. She seemed to think I wasn't understanding her correctly and so she repeated it several times.
In retrospect, the conversation should have ended sooner because it wasn't at all productive.
buildsherhouse gives more details about the conversation on her thread.
Toward the end of our conversation she was telling me that by disagreeing with her about facts, I was lovebusting her and that I should apologize for it.
My question for you is this: is disagreeing about facts lovebusting?
It is if she says it is. Facts are next to useless to you when creating romantic love. If she finds being corrected unpleasant (and most people do) she is going to actively feel her love bank draining away and she needs to alert you to this problem.
As for 'false accusations' that something is a love buster, why would someone complain about something they find welcome and find pleasant? If she finds it unpleasant you need to stop.
When she makes a complaint like this, thank her and ask her how you could have raised your perspective in a way that respected her feelings and did not seek to correct her.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
Toward the end of our conversation she was telling me that by disagreeing with her about facts, I was lovebusting her and that I should apologize for it.
My question for you is this: is disagreeing about facts lovebusting?
You were correcting her and most people find that extremely offensive. But you should not ask us if something is a love buster. We are not married to you. Your wife is the judge of that.
Do you think you should continue offensive behavior if we said it wasn't a love buster?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Enter MB. One of the principles of which is that physical attractiveness is a legitimate need. This was good news! And since another principle is radical honesty, I had no choice but to fess up.
I wonder if you are getting your very fixed view of what is physically attractive to you by comparing your wife to other women, either in real life or in the media.
RLPA, you will believe it when you SEE it. Obviously you are not going to believe it before it happens. I only believe it because it happened to me and because I have seen it happen hundreds of times over the past 14 years on this board.
Dr Harley often says that people who are in love don't believe they will ever fall out of love and people who are NOT in love don't believe they will ever fall back in love. So, you are no different than most couples who show up here with one reluctant, skeptical spouse.
This really spoke to me. In reading here on this website, reading Dr Harleys books, listening to the radio show, I'm learning that it is possible for 2 people to be in love all the time. I'm hearing that there are people out there who are genuinely and thoroughly happy being together!
I want to be in love. But I'm struggling with motivation to move forward because the "idea" of being in love, while it sounds very desirable, seems impossible to achieve. Sort of like a person living in squalor and poverty might hear of a beautiful home in a nice neighborhood and think: "Wow, living there would be so wonderful!"
In much the same way, I'm finding it hard to get the mental and emotional motivation to move toward that seemingly impossible dream.
People say it's awesome to be there but what if they're faking it? What if I venture out only to find that the plan I'm following will not get me there?
Learning how to be irresistible is unlikely to go to waste.
Brushing up my negotiation skills and developing a sensitive and respectful persona have benefitted me in other areas of life too.
There was a wayward wife on these forums a while back, rubbing her husbands nose in the affair, genuinely believing she could never be in love with him.
Today not only are they deliriously happy but she is saving her friends marriages - that's how good this plan is.
It fails sometimes when you have one person utterly uncommitted but I've never seen it fail when its followed by both spouses.
Last edited by indiegirl; 02/06/1510:28 AM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
I HATED this program when my husband brought me here. He had already drug me through several counselors, and I didn't want to do it all over again.
I only ended up going through the program because I felt like I had to. Even then, it was half-hearted a lot of the time, until my husband started making me feel some moments of being in love. Then I saw what it could do, and wanted more.
Now we're in love. I am on here everyday helping people (for free) through a program we spent thousands of dollars to go through ourselves. I have no reason to fake supporting a program I originally hated.
RLPA, you will believe it when you SEE it. Obviously you are not going to believe it before it happens. I only believe it because it happened to me and because I have seen it happen hundreds of times over the past 14 years on this board.
Dr Harley often says that people who are in love don't believe they will ever fall out of love and people who are NOT in love don't believe they will ever fall back in love. So, you are no different than most couples who show up here with one reluctant, skeptical spouse.
This really spoke to me. In reading here on this website, reading Dr Harleys books, listening to the radio show, I'm learning that it is possible for 2 people to be in love all the time. I'm hearing that there are people out there who are genuinely and thoroughly happy being together!
I want to be in love. But I'm struggling with motivation to move forward because the "idea" of being in love, while it sounds very desirable, seems impossible to achieve. Sort of like a person living in squalor and poverty might hear of a beautiful home in a nice neighborhood and think: "Wow, living there would be so wonderful!"
In much the same way, I'm finding it hard to get the mental and emotional motivation to move toward that seemingly impossible dream.
People say it's awesome to be there but what if they're faking it? What if I venture out only to find that the plan I'm following will not get me there?
If the plan you are following is far from the plan outlined in this program, then it is not very likely to get you there.
As assessed recently, your plan isn't going to get you there.
You and your wife need to get your heads together and etch out 25+ hours each week to restore romantic love.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
Enter MB. One of the principles of which is that physical attractiveness is a legitimate need. This was good news! And since another principle is radical honesty, I had no choice but to fess up.
I wonder if you are getting your very fixed view of what is physically attractive to you by comparing your wife to other women, either in real life or in the media.
I didn't phrase this as a question, but it was one, and I'd like an answer to it, please.
I wonder if you are getting your very fixed view of what is physically attractive to you by comparing your wife to other women, either in real life or in the media.
I'm not certain where I got my ideas from, it is likely that I am influenced by the media.
After more honest soul searching, I realize that I have been largely acting as a renter. I have at times entertained fantasies about other women. I have confessed this to her and I do now fully commit myself to give her the care she needs and love only her.
Already, I am seeing her body in a different way. I have hope that we can become deeply in love in every way as we follow MB principles.
Please hold me accountable in this. I feel weak at this point. I know that I must continually renew this commitment.
I HATED this program when my husband brought me here. He had already drug me through several counselors, and I didn't want to do it all over again.
I only ended up going through the program because I felt like I had to. Even then, it was half-hearted a lot of the time, until my husband started making me feel some moments of being in love. Then I saw what it could do, and wanted more.
Now we're in love. I am on here everyday helping people (for free) through a program we spent thousands of dollars to go through ourselves. I have no reason to fake supporting a program I originally hated.
So, when you find your mind wandering off path, redirect your thoughts to your wife. Plan something for the two of you to do together. Think of a gift for her, or of rubbing her back... or of taking a hot bath with her.
Redirect your thoughts towards acts of love for you wife.
Personally, I have a good time shopping online for my wife - I know all her sizes and measurements... and for myself, I don't even see the clothing models.
For you, right now... maybe not. But it is something you can develop over time.
Fantasy?
STOP IT!
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
