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#2843001 02/13/15 12:45 PM
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bdb84 Offline OP
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A good friend of mine linked me to this forum as she said it really helped her when she was going through similar issues, in her marriage, years ago.

I am 30 years old my husband is 29. We have been together for a decade/married for 9 of those years. Together we have two young children (8 & 5) and another one due just next month.

Here is some back story before I jump right in.

Back in 2007, when our marriage was just a year old, I had an affair that lasted several months. I ended up leaving my husband because, although I had ended the affair, I felt disgusted with myself and like my husband deserved better. I also questioned if I could truly love him if I was so willing to betray him in the way I did. He did not want me to leave; he was willing to work it out, but I felt we needed this time apart. It was a very emotional parting. He begged me to stay, and through tears I told him we needed to do this.

As we were apart, we both saw other people. Our separation lasted an entire year before I came back home. It took me months to realize that my husband was who I belonged with, and with open arms, he welcomed me home. That was in early 2009. I made a vow to him to never betray him, and he told me that he would never use my past against me. It's a vow that I have yet to break.

We had our second child over a year later and everything, up to that point, was going well.

Until I discovered, when our baby was just a few months old, that he had been back in contact with his ex (a woman he saw while we were apart; one whom he ended things with to reconcile with me). He had told her that he missed her and wanted to hang out with her one last time. I found out immediately (she ratted him out) and that ended instantly. I was very hurt. Here I was, just a few months post pardum, feeling at my worst, and I just found out that my husband was "missing" his ex. He apologized profusely and I accepted-- after all, my current mindset was that I had done so much worse to him a couple years back.

Fast forward two years (and no further incidences), and I discover that he had been mass texting another woman (a friend of a friend). It went on for a month and several hundred messages later. He tried to convince me that it was strictly platonic, but I'm no fool. I confronted them both, and they both swear it was strictly an EA. I have been unable to prove otherwise. Promises were made to cut contact, and those promises were followed through. Again, I accepted it as my "due karma" frown

Fast forward one more year and we had an incident while we were out dancing with several couple friends. Husband went outside the dance club for a smoke break and I noticed it was taking him a long time to come back in. When I went out, I found him sitting on a bench, in a drunken haze, with some woman standing between his legs, his arms around her waist, her arms around his shoulders, and their heads bent in closely to each other, while talking. I immediately confronted them both, raising hell. They were both highly intoxicated so they pretty much laughed it off. A huge fight escalated between my husband and me afterward which included me looking like a raving lunatic, in public, and him watching me with disdain in his eyes.

The following morning, he apologized profusely. He attributed it to alcohol (an addiction that he was able to kick after this incident) and wanted to do anything to make it up to me. It took some time, but I forgave him. I don't know why I was not catching on to a pattern here.

Fast forward a year and everything was great again (it always was in between each occurrence). We decided to try for our third and last child early last year. It took a few months, but we found out we were expecting in July of '14.

He began working intense hours due to his plant locking out several hundred union workers. For four months straight, he worked seven 12's, all night shift. His exhaustion took over and all he could do was sleep and work. He could barely stay awake for an hour in between sleep and work to spend time with us. His personality changed abruptly and I noticed he lost that light in his eyes that I always adored.

In November he went out for a guys' night while I was out of town visiting a cousin. We chatted while he was out with his buddies and I never had a clue that something would be forming while I was gone. His best friend's sister had come into town for the weekend and she ended up going out with the guys (his best friend's wife, whom is also one of my dearest friends, went along, too). Husband ended up dancing a few country songs with the sister, but that was the end of it....so I was told initially.

A couple of weeks later, I get on my husband's desktop as my laptop was running slow. His facebook page was open and I noticed he had a new private message, so I checked it. No compelling reason to do so, other than something told me to. It was from his best friend's sister. We'll call her OW now. I read through the messages and it was all very platonic; talking about work, etc. They do not work together. In fact, she lives 6 hours away.. but they both work the night shift, and I guess that was a bonding factor for them.

However, I noticed that some of the early messages had been deleted, since the first first message was obviously not the start of them. It sent a huge red flag that WH (what I will now call him) had been deleting them.. obviously not a good sign. I called him immediately and asked him if he had anything he wanted to fess up to. He instantly said, "I'm guessing you mean the messages between OW and me?" I said yes. He apologized and said they were just friends and had been chatting amicably about work and what not. I asked why he was deleting them, then, if it was so platonic? His response was that he knew it would upset me, but that he would halt contact.

The next morning, when he came home, he was very loving and apologetic. He told me that he had informed her that they needed to stop communicating as it was upsetting me and he did not want to cause any problems in our marriage. According to him, she was very compliant.

A few weeks go by and we are, seemingly, back to normal. Until December 5th, the night of our daughter's Christmas program at her preschool. My good friend (OW's sister-in-law) confronted me with some disturbing news she had just found out the day before. She said that WH and OW were still in contact; this time via Snapchat. I knew that WH had a snapchat, but we were on each other's friends list, and I felt that, if they had been communicating, I would have known (I began checking his account every so often). Turns out, WH made a secondary account that only OW knew about. frown

I immediately confronted him. Maybe it wasn't the opportune time, but there was no way I could sit for the next hour, through our daughter's performance, and pretend nothing happened. He was angry that I was calling him out then and there, especially because his mother was sitting next to him. I told her what was going on (she knew of their initial contact via Facebook because I had told her- we are very close). She was livid with him.

Following the program, he told his boss that he could not go to work that night due to personal issues. We came home and hashed it out. He admitted that he never stopped talking to her. That they now communicated on his work phone (isn't allowed to leave the plant he works at) and through his other snapchat account. This time he didn't try to deny that their correspondence had been inappropriate. He was very apologetic and told me that he would truly cut off contact this time.

Fast forward through Christmas and the New Year. He claimed they had zero contact, and I could never prove anything through snapchat (he disabled the second account) and our cell phone accounts, but I always knew he had a huge opportunity every night when he went to work. We were fighting constantly because I felt he was not putting forth any effort to make things right between us. It was as if he felt my grief should be put on a time line and he did not understand why I was "still" upset over everything.

Then comes January 4th- a day that changed everything for us.

We got into a huge fight the night before while he was at work. When he came home, I asked if we could talk. We had a long talk while lying in bed together. He just kept saying that he was tired of hurting me. That, for some reason, he kept falling into an EA with different women, and that I deserved better. He did not feel he could truly promise me he would never do it again because, in his own words, "his actions proved otherwise". It ended with him saying, "I love you, but I no longer am in love with you". I told him that, if he truly felt that way, that he could leave.

Big mistake because he did.

He has been staying at his mother's ever since. He did "come back" for two days, about three weeks into this. The first day it almost felt "normal". I could see that old light in his eyes. He was loving and affectionate and gave me all the attention that I had been begging for the past couple of years. Then he went to work that night and, the next day, everything had changed again (surprise, surprise- because he talked to her that night- although, at this point he was still denying contact).

Our children have been crushed through this. Initially he told them that he was leaving because he no longer loved me in the way that a man should love his wife (and at that time it was what I thought to be the full truth, too). They cry for him almost nightly because, while he may have treated me less than desirable, he was always a great father to them (and still is). Our son is about to start counseling on Monday just so he has a healthy outlet for his burst of emotions he is going through.

Last week was a game changer, though. I noticed a random number on our phone account, and when I googled it, a hotel popped up. I just knew then. And even though I knew at that point, I still had to see for myself. I drove to the hotel and, sure enough, saw his vehicle AND the OW's. I confronted them when they exited. She would not say a single word to me, and the only time I saw any flicker of emotion in her eyes is when I threatened to call HR on her. She is a *marriage and family counselor* of all occupations. I told her she was unworthy of such a career and would be reporting her so that her bosses knew just what kind of marriage counselor she really was- one that liked to wreck families herself (according to my friend- OW's SIL- this isn't the first married man she's tried to get involved with). I have pictures of them leaving the room together and of her getting into her vehicle.

Keep in mind that, at this point, I was already 8 months pregnant. As much violence was waging in my mind, the safety of my unborn daughter was worth far more than revenge.

WH was so cruel to me in her presence. He called me a psycho, said I was crazy, and that this was the reason he left me. He said that I had no business being this upset because I had cheated on him 8 years ago. That I'm a hypocrite, etc. His words hurt me more than seeing him leave that room with her.

That evening he came over to see the kids (I should have denied him, I know) and he apologized for his words. He said he did not mean them, but that he was immediately on the defensive when he realized he was caught. He also said that the only reason he did not tell me OW was still in his life was because he was worried it would send me into preterm labor. That he was going to wait until after I had the baby to tell me.

As for who all knows? EVERYONE.

His parents, her parents, his boss and co-workers, friends, my family, etc.

His parents are so enraged with him. Her parents were very upset to hear the news, but they also quickly shoved it from their minds. She's a single 26 year old who, although has her Masters degree, is still being supported by her parents. His boss is angry with him, but would never fire him as WH is such an asset to his company. He has lost friends over this, too. As for her friends? Well, she immediately deactivated her Facebook when she left the hotel that day. However, my friend and her husband (so, OW's brother) were the ones who ratted her out to her parents. They are both incredibly angry at what has taken place.

So, here I am today.

It's been a little over a week since this all came to fruition. I have my days where I am so livid/hurt that I wonder why on earth I could ever actually WANT him back. But then I do, and I can't help that. I know we have been through so much more than any couple should, but when our times were good, they were great.

We are on good terms right now. He feels our marriage is unsalavageable because he believes he'd hurt me all over again. I've tried to convince him to get help for his addiction to EA's. He says he loves me deeply and is still attracted to me, but he doesn't feel like it should take this much to make a marriage work; that it should come naturally. He doesn't feel marriage counselors are worth their salt, especially given the woman he's been seeing is one herself. I feel she has been using her education to manipulate him into thinking our marriage cannot be fixed.

He has admitted that, deep down, he has never been able to forgive me for what I did to him so many years ago. This confession blew me away because *never once* (and I mean that genuinely) has he brought up what I did. Never once has he thrown it in my face during an argument- not even while arguing about his own infidelity. Never once has he so much as hinted that he was struggling with forgiveness.

I feel like, if he had just been honest about that years ago, that we could have fixed this before it tore us apart.

And I think this is why I feel like there is still a chance. Did I really destroy him so much that he is now incapable of being faithful? Did I bring this on myself?

He goes back and forth with me. Some days he is adamantly done. Other days it's as if he would like to believe there's hope, but he just worries that we are too far gone.

I'm not really sure what I am asking at this point. Everything has already been exposed- minus her work- and truthfully there's a reason for that. If she were to get fired, she would, no doubt, move back down here to her parents and then she would be a LOCAL threat to us, not a 6 hours away kind of threat.

Yes, they are still talking. I truly believe the only way he'll come back to me is if they fall apart. So that leaves me wondering if this is even worth it. Do I lower myself so much that I just sit here and WAIT for their relationship to fall apart so that THEN he'll come back to me? Am I really worth second fiddle? As much as I love him and WANT him home so badly, how much of myself do I sacrifice in the process?

It's just so hard when your heart wants one thing, but your mind is trying to convince you that you are worth more.


Me/BW- 30
WH- 30
Separated ("ILY but I'm not in love w/ you")- 01/15
D'Day- 02/15
Two kids (8, 5) & due with #3 in March
bdb84 #2843012 02/13/15 01:32 PM
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While your adultery may have deeply wounded your WH, it is and always has been his choice to cheat as well. You did not "make" him cheat on you. As someone who was married to a serial cheater, I would strongly advise you to think long and hard about the EPs that you would have to live with if you continue in this marriage. I personally was not willing to live with such EPs that a serial cheater requires and I also had too much resentment towards my then WH.

If your WH is throwing pity parties for himself, continues contact with his AP, and doesn't get with the program NOW, I would plan to move to Plan B and consult a divorce attorney. You should not be sitting around and wait for his affair to end. With a serial cheater...if it's not this hobag, it will be another. He is a weak man. Women can not "win" back weak, whiney men...nor should they.

I would report OW as well...to her employer and licensing board. She can always visit her parents and she is still in contact with WH. Blast her. She would be beyond dumb to move closer to you if the families are so outraged by the affair.

Welcome to MB. Sorry for all the hurt.

Last edited by black_raven; 02/13/15 01:36 PM.

BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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If you don't expose her to her work place, you will seriously have to be concerned about her becoming your childrens Step-Mommy.

End that possibility with every resource you have available to you immediately.

LTL

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bdb84 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: black_raven
As someone who was married to a serial cheater, I would strongly advise you to think long and hard about the EPs that you would have to live with if you continue in this marriage. I personally was not willing to live with such EPs that a serial cheater requires and I also had too much resentment towards my then WH.


What are EPs? Sorry, I'm trying to familiarize myself with all of the acronyms.

I guess I was just hoping that his addiction to EAs could be cured through specific therapies/support groups. Is that not possible?

Originally Posted By: LearnedTooLate
If you don't expose her to her work place, you will seriously have to be concerned about her becoming your childrens Step-Mommy.

End that possibility with every resource you have available to you immediately.

LTL


Can someone link me to how to appropriately notify an employer? What proof do I send?


Me/BW- 30
WH- 30
Separated ("ILY but I'm not in love w/ you")- 01/15
D'Day- 02/15
Two kids (8, 5) & due with #3 in March
bdb84 #2843018 02/13/15 01:49 PM
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Originally Posted By: bdb84
A good friend of mine linked me to this forum as she said it really helped her when she was going through similar issues, in her marriage, years ago.

I am 30 years old my husband is 29. We have been together for a decade/married for 9 of those years. Together we have two young children (8 & 5) and another one due just next month.

Here is some back story before I jump right in.

Back in 2007, when our marriage was just a year old, I had an affair that lasted several months. I ended up leaving my husband because, although I had ended the affair, I felt disgusted with myself and like my husband deserved better. I also questioned if I could truly love him if I was so willing to betray him in the way I did. He did not want me to leave; he was willing to work it out, but I felt we needed this time apart. It was a very emotional parting. He begged me to stay, and through tears I told him we needed to do this.

As we were apart, we both saw other people. Our separation lasted an entire year before I came back home. It took me months to realize that my husband was who I belonged with, and with open arms, he welcomed me home. That was in early 2009. I made a vow to him to never betray him, and he told me that he would never use my past against me. It's a vow that I have yet to break.

We had our second child over a year later and everything, up to that point, was going well.

Until I discovered, when our baby was just a few months old, that he had been back in contact with his ex (a woman he saw while we were apart; one whom he ended things with to reconcile with me). He had told her that he missed her and wanted to hang out with her one last time. I found out immediately (she ratted him out) and that ended instantly. I was very hurt. Here I was, just a few months post pardum, feeling at my worst, and I just found out that my husband was "missing" his ex. He apologized profusely and I accepted-- after all, my current mindset was that I had done so much worse to him a couple years back.

Fast forward two years (and no further incidences), and I discover that he had been mass texting another woman (a friend of a friend). It went on for a month and several hundred messages later. He tried to convince me that it was strictly platonic, but I'm no fool. I confronted them both, and they both swear it was strictly an EA. I have been unable to prove otherwise. Promises were made to cut contact, and those promises were followed through. Again, I accepted it as my "due karma" frown

Fast forward one more year and we had an incident while we were out dancing with several couple friends. Husband went outside the dance club for a smoke break and I noticed it was taking him a long time to come back in. When I went out, I found him sitting on a bench, in a drunken haze, with some woman standing between his legs, his arms around her waist, her arms around his shoulders, and their heads bent in closely to each other, while talking. I immediately confronted them both, raising hell. They were both highly intoxicated so they pretty much laughed it off. A huge fight escalated between my husband and me afterward which included me looking like a raving lunatic, in public, and him watching me with disdain in his eyes.

The following morning, he apologized profusely. He attributed it to alcohol (an addiction that he was able to kick after this incident) and wanted to do anything to make it up to me. It took some time, but I forgave him. I don't know why I was not catching on to a pattern here.

Fast forward a year and everything was great again (it always was in between each occurrence). We decided to try for our third and last child early last year. It took a few months, but we found out we were expecting in July of '14.

He began working intense hours due to his plant locking out several hundred union workers. For four months straight, he worked seven 12's, all night shift. His exhaustion took over and all he could do was sleep and work. He could barely stay awake for an hour in between sleep and work to spend time with us. His personality changed abruptly and I noticed he lost that light in his eyes that I always adored.

In November he went out for a guys' night while I was out of town visiting a cousin. We chatted while he was out with his buddies and I never had a clue that something would be forming while I was gone. His best friend's sister had come into town for the weekend and she ended up going out with the guys (his best friend's wife, whom is also one of my dearest friends, went along, too). Husband ended up dancing a few country songs with the sister, but that was the end of it....so I was told initially.

A couple of weeks later, I get on my husband's desktop as my laptop was running slow. His facebook page was open and I noticed he had a new private message, so I checked it. No compelling reason to do so, other than something told me to. It was from his best friend's sister. We'll call her OW now. I read through the messages and it was all very platonic; talking about work, etc. They do not work together. In fact, she lives 6 hours away.. but they both work the night shift, and I guess that was a bonding factor for them.

However, I noticed that some of the early messages had been deleted, since the first first message was obviously not the start of them. It sent a huge red flag that WH (what I will now call him) had been deleting them.. obviously not a good sign. I called him immediately and asked him if he had anything he wanted to fess up to. He instantly said, "I'm guessing you mean the messages between OW and me?" I said yes. He apologized and said they were just friends and had been chatting amicably about work and what not. I asked why he was deleting them, then, if it was so platonic? His response was that he knew it would upset me, but that he would halt contact.

The next morning, when he came home, he was very loving and apologetic. He told me that he had informed her that they needed to stop communicating as it was upsetting me and he did not want to cause any problems in our marriage. According to him, she was very compliant.

A few weeks go by and we are, seemingly, back to normal. Until December 5th, the night of our daughter's Christmas program at her preschool. My good friend (OW's sister-in-law) confronted me with some disturbing news she had just found out the day before. She said that WH and OW were still in contact; this time via Snapchat. I knew that WH had a snapchat, but we were on each other's friends list, and I felt that, if they had been communicating, I would have known (I began checking his account every so often). Turns out, WH made a secondary account that only OW knew about. frown

I immediately confronted him. Maybe it wasn't the opportune time, but there was no way I could sit for the next hour, through our daughter's performance, and pretend nothing happened. He was angry that I was calling him out then and there, especially because his mother was sitting next to him. I told her what was going on (she knew of their initial contact via Facebook because I had told her- we are very close). She was livid with him.

Following the program, he told his boss that he could not go to work that night due to personal issues. We came home and hashed it out. He admitted that he never stopped talking to her. That they now communicated on his work phone (isn't allowed to leave the plant he works at) and through his other snapchat account. This time he didn't try to deny that their correspondence had been inappropriate. He was very apologetic and told me that he would truly cut off contact this time.

Fast forward through Christmas and the New Year. He claimed they had zero contact, and I could never prove anything through snapchat (he disabled the second account) and our cell phone accounts, but I always knew he had a huge opportunity every night when he went to work. We were fighting constantly because I felt he was not putting forth any effort to make things right between us. It was as if he felt my grief should be put on a time line and he did not understand why I was "still" upset over everything.

Then comes January 4th- a day that changed everything for us.

We got into a huge fight the night before while he was at work. When he came home, I asked if we could talk. We had a long talk while lying in bed together. He just kept saying that he was tired of hurting me. That, for some reason, he kept falling into an EA with different women, and that I deserved better. He did not feel he could truly promise me he would never do it again because, in his own words, "his actions proved otherwise". It ended with him saying, "I love you, but I no longer am in love with you". I told him that, if he truly felt that way, that he could leave.

Big mistake because he did.

He has been staying at his mother's ever since. He did "come back" for two days, about three weeks into this. The first day it almost felt "normal". I could see that old light in his eyes. He was loving and affectionate and gave me all the attention that I had been begging for the past couple of years. Then he went to work that night and, the next day, everything had changed again (surprise, surprise- because he talked to her that night- although, at this point he was still denying contact).

Our children have been crushed through this. Initially he told them that he was leaving because he no longer loved me in the way that a man should love his wife (and at that time it was what I thought to be the full truth, too). They cry for him almost nightly because, while he may have treated me less than desirable, he was always a great father to them (and still is). Our son is about to start counseling on Monday just so he has a healthy outlet for his burst of emotions he is going through.

Last week was a game changer, though. I noticed a random number on our phone account, and when I googled it, a hotel popped up. I just knew then. And even though I knew at that point, I still had to see for myself. I drove to the hotel and, sure enough, saw his vehicle AND the OW's. I confronted them when they exited. She would not say a single word to me, and the only time I saw any flicker of emotion in her eyes is when I threatened to call HR on her. She is a *marriage and family counselor* of all occupations. I told her she was unworthy of such a career and would be reporting her so that her bosses knew just what kind of marriage counselor she really was- one that liked to wreck families herself (according to my friend- OW's SIL- this isn't the first married man she's tried to get involved with). I have pictures of them leaving the room together and of her getting into her vehicle.

Keep in mind that, at this point, I was already 8 months pregnant. As much violence was waging in my mind, the safety of my unborn daughter was worth far more than revenge.

WH was so cruel to me in her presence. He called me a psycho, said I was crazy, and that this was the reason he left me. He said that I had no business being this upset because I had cheated on him 8 years ago. That I'm a hypocrite, etc. His words hurt me more than seeing him leave that room with her.

That evening he came over to see the kids (I should have denied him, I know) and he apologized for his words. He said he did not mean them, but that he was immediately on the defensive when he realized he was caught. He also said that the only reason he did not tell me OW was still in his life was because he was worried it would send me into preterm labor. That he was going to wait until after I had the baby to tell me.

As for who all knows? EVERYONE.

His parents, her parents, his boss and co-workers, friends, my family, etc.

His parents are so enraged with him. Her parents were very upset to hear the news, but they also quickly shoved it from their minds. She's a single 26 year old who, although has her Masters degree, is still being supported by her parents. His boss is angry with him, but would never fire him as WH is such an asset to his company. He has lost friends over this, too. As for her friends? Well, she immediately deactivated her Facebook when she left the hotel that day. However, my friend and her husband (so, OW's brother) were the ones who ratted her out to her parents. They are both incredibly angry at what has taken place.

So, here I am today.

It's been a little over a week since this all came to fruition. I have my days where I am so livid/hurt that I wonder why on earth I could ever actually WANT him back. But then I do, and I can't help that. I know we have been through so much more than any couple should, but when our times were good, they were great.

We are on good terms right now. He feels our marriage is unsalavageable because he believes he'd hurt me all over again. I've tried to convince him to get help for his addiction to EA's. He says he loves me deeply and is still attracted to me, but he doesn't feel like it should take this much to make a marriage work; that it should come naturally. He doesn't feel marriage counselors are worth their salt, especially given the woman he's been seeing is one herself. I feel she has been using her education to manipulate him into thinking our marriage cannot be fixed.

He has admitted that, deep down, he has never been able to forgive me for what I did to him so many years ago. This confession blew me away because *never once* (and I mean that genuinely) has he brought up what I did. Never once has he thrown it in my face during an argument- not even while arguing about his own infidelity. Never once has he so much as hinted that he was struggling with forgiveness.

I feel like, if he had just been honest about that years ago, that we could have fixed this before it tore us apart
.

And I think this is why I feel like there is still a chance. Did I really destroy him so much that he is now incapable of being faithful? Did I bring this on myself?

He goes back and forth with me. Some days he is adamantly done. Other days it's as if he would like to believe there's hope, but he just worries that we are too far gone.

I'm not really sure what I am asking at this point. Everything has already been exposed- minus her work- and truthfully there's a reason for that. If she were to get fired, she would, no doubt, move back down here to her parents and then she would be a LOCAL threat to us, not a 6 hours away kind of threat.

Yes, they are still talking. I truly believe the only way he'll come back to me is if they fall apart. So that leaves me wondering if this is even worth it. Do I lower myself so much that I just sit here and WAIT for their relationship to fall apart so that THEN he'll come back to me? Am I really worth second fiddle? As much as I love him and WANT him home so badly, how much of myself do I sacrifice in the process?

It's just so hard when your heart wants one thing, but your mind is trying to convince you that you are worth more.

Welcome to MB.

The things that he says now about your affair 8 years ago, in the passage that I underlined, are rationalisations for his behaviour today. They are completely irrelevant; they are not motivations for his behaviour. If he had been unable to get past his resentment he would have left you, not had several affairs and THEN left you.

He wants to have affairs - and indeed we are all wired to be attracted to people and let them meet our needs - and he lets himself do what he wants. He is not prepared to have barriers around women, and if a spark is created between him and a woman, he will follow it through. Welcome to your future if you go back to him.

My dear, you need to be in Plan B yesterday. You need to cut off all direct contact between you and your husband. Don't even be in the same room when he visits his newborn baby next month - and don't think of letting him be present at the birth.

Is your H supporting you financially? You need to see a lawyer about getting support legalised. If he wants to see his children, you need to make arrangements for him to pick them up and drop them off with someone other than you. If you plan to breastfeed, he does not need to see the new baby at all if you find this too difficult to arrange between frequent feeds.

He has made his choice by being with that whore. Protect yourself from any more direct hurt from him and go to Plan B. Do you know what that is?


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bdb84 #2843025 02/13/15 01:57 PM
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Originally Posted By: bdb84
Originally Posted By: black_raven
As someone who was married to a serial cheater, I would strongly advise you to think long and hard about the EPs that you would have to live with if you continue in this marriage. I personally was not willing to live with such EPs that a serial cheater requires and I also had too much resentment towards my then WH.


What are EPs? Sorry, I'm trying to familiarize myself with all of the acronyms.

I guess I was just hoping that his addiction to EAs could be cured through specific therapies/support groups. Is that not possible?


EPs = Extraordinary Precautions....measures you would have to take to affair proof your marriage. With a serial cheater, it is all the more extra extra extraordinary.

WH doesn't need therapy or support groups. He needs to stop acting like a pathetic loser who can't cope and wants attention from other women besides his wife.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

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Originally Posted By: SugarCane
Welcome to MB.

The things that he says now about your affair 8 years ago, in the passage that I underlined, are rationalisations for his behaviour today. They are completely irrelevant; they are not motivations for his behaviour. If he had been unable to get past his resentment he would have left you, not had several affairs and THEN left you.

He wants to have affairs - and indeed we are all wired to be attracted to people and let them meet our needs - and he lets himself do what he wants. He is not prepared to have barriers around women, and if a spark is created between him and a woman, he will follow it through. Welcome to your future if you go back to him.

My dear, you need to be in Plan B yesterday. You need to cut off all direct contact between you and your husband. Don't even be in the same room when he visits his newborn baby next month - and don't think of letting him be present at the birth.

Is your H supporting you financially? You need to see a lawyer about getting support legalised. If he wants to see his children, you need to make arrangements for him to pick them up and drop them off with someone other than you. If you plan to breastfeed, he does not need to see the new baby at all if you find this too difficult to arrange between frequent feeds.

He has made his choice by being with that whore. Protect yourself from any more direct hurt from him and go to Plan B. Do you know what that is?


This is what I'm struggling with most. His right to his unborn child. We have fought back and forth regarding his right to be there when she is born. Some days I am absolutely against it, and other days I feel he has just as much a right to be there as I do (granted I'm the only one actively laboring).

Yes, he is supporting us financially 100%. He moved out of our home and wants us to stay here while he stays at his mom's. He has yet to make any financial demands. He told me to use the account as I would if we were together. I know that most of that is said out of guilt, and will not last. I just hesitate to take legal actions because I still long for this to work out. frown

I have read some of Plan B, but I'll look into it again. Does one continue with Plan B if they decide to follow through with divorce? Or is it as a last resort at reconciliation?


Me/BW- 30
WH- 30
Separated ("ILY but I'm not in love w/ you")- 01/15
D'Day- 02/15
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Originally Posted By: bdb84
What are EPs? Sorry, I'm trying to familiarize myself with all of the acronyms.

Extraordinary precautions that all married people should take at all times, to guard against affairs. They include things like not socialising with members of the opposite sex (without your spouse) - no going for coffee and lunches with OS colleagues, no sport or personal training with the opposite sex - and no travelling jobs and nights spent apart, and complete transparency with phones and email accounts.

Originally Posted By: bdb84
I guess I was just hoping that his addiction to EAs could be cured through specific therapies/support groups. Is that not possible?

I hate to tell you that he has never had an EA - they have all been PAs - and what you are calling an "addiction" is simply his attraction to the opposite sex. There is no cure for being attracted to the opposite sex; we all are. It is a normal part of human sexuality. Married people - including you and me - do not lose our ability to find certain people desirable.

What married people do, if they are to avoid affairs, is that they do not allow initial attractions to develop. They do not form friendships with neighbours, colleagues or old boyfriends/girlfriends, and they do not hang out in bars and clubs.

However, our faulty thinking often leads us to believe that if someone is not initially attractive to us, they are safe, and we can form friendships with them. That is how so many affairs take place with people that make the spouse's jaw drop when they see them; old, fat, short, plug ugly, trampy and bald, it makes no difference; if you can form a friendship with a member of the opposite sex, you can fall in love with them and have an affair. I hope that you have been doing all the right things to avoid having an affair, since the one 8 years ago.

Your H is not "addicted" to affairs. He is unwilling to take extraordinary precautions to ensure that he is faithful in his marriage. It is a matter of conscious attitude, not uncontrollable addiction.


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Originally Posted By: SugarCane
I hate to tell you that he has never had an EA - they have all been PAs - and what you are calling an "addiction" is simply his attraction to the opposite sex.


Agree with all SugarCane has posted to you, especially this ^^^^.

There has been physical contact. These are not EAs.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
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Originally Posted By: SugarCane

I hate to tell you that he has never had an EA - they have all been PAs - and what you are calling an "addiction" is simply his attraction to the opposite sex.


Curious as to how you can be so certain? The other woman whom he had a long standing texting affair with did not live locally, either, and I have always been able to account for his whereabouts. dontknow



Quote:
I hope that you have been doing all the right things to avoid having an affair, since the one 8 years ago.


I already said I have. I do not put myself into positions that one could even question my motives.


Me/BW- 30
WH- 30
Separated ("ILY but I'm not in love w/ you")- 01/15
D'Day- 02/15
Two kids (8, 5) & due with #3 in March
bdb84 #2843037 02/13/15 02:14 PM
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Originally Posted By: bdb84
This is what I'm struggling with most. His right to his unborn child. We have fought back and forth regarding his right to be there when she is born. Some days I am absolutely against it, and other days I feel he has just as much a right to be there as I do (granted I'm the only one actively laboring).

Yes, he is supporting us financially 100%. He moved out of our home and wants us to stay here while he stays at his mom's. He has yet to make any financial demands. He told me to use the account as I would if we were together. I know that most of that is said out of guilt, and will not last. I just hesitate to take legal actions because I still long for this to work out. frown

I have read some of Plan B, but I'll look into it again. Does one continue with Plan B if they decide to follow through with divorce? Or is it as a last resort at reconciliation?

Oh, please give up all ideas about his rights to his children. He is not interested in his rights to his children., He is only interested in showing you that you can't paint him as a bad father just because he walked out on you. "I walked out on you, not them, and I am still their loving father" - that's his message, and it is balderdash.

He is of no use to a newborn baby. What can he really offer her, by being present at the birth and seeing her for a couple of hours twice a week - while she sleeps? His wish to be there is to make a symbolic gesture about what a good man he still is, and how the two of you should be capable of being civilised and putting the children first. (Give me strength.)

All you need to focus on from this day forward is your own (and the children's) mental health, and that will not be served by your having any contact with him whatsoever, and especially not by his being there at the birth. Can you imagine how emotional and upset that is going to make you feel? You will bond with him and rely on him - like it or not - when you are in labour and when that perfect tiny specimen that you created jointly is put in both your arms, and then you will have to watch him kiss the baby goodbye and go back to his whore, at that time of all times. Don't do it to yourself. You may never get over that.

The only thing that matters with regard to the unborn baby is that you stay physically and mentally healthy and well enough to cope with the forthcoming child, and with dealing with her alone after the birth. Your H is irrelevant to her now. He sacked himself from the job of father when he moved out. She does not know him. She can get to know him as she gets bigger and capable of being without you for three of four hours. The older children do know him and will want to see him, so if he wants to see them, let him take them for whole days.

Do not allow him to be in your presence, "supporting" you in childbirth and playing the good daddy to the baby he abandoned. He doesn't know her, and she doesn't need him. She needs you, and she needs you healthy and sane.


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Are bb84 and bdb84 the same poster?

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This is all so hard to read. I know it's what I need to hear, but it's so much harder to act on this than I thought it would be.


Me/BW- 30
WH- 30
Separated ("ILY but I'm not in love w/ you")- 01/15
D'Day- 02/15
Two kids (8, 5) & due with #3 in March
bdb84 #2843041 02/13/15 02:22 PM
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Originally Posted By: bdb84
Curious as to how you can be so certain? The other woman whom he had a long standing texting affair with did not live locally, either, and I have always been able to account for his whereabouts. dontknow

I take it that they have planes, boats, cars and trains where you live?

My H had a 3.5-year PA with a woman who did not even live in our country (the UK), and I thought I knew where he was - in a broad sense - every day. However, sometimes when I thought he was at work in London, he was in a hotel room or in her house in Belgium. You can get to Belgium after breakfast at home, have a quick screw in a hotel room, and be back in time for dinner, as I found out. If you tell your spouse you'll be in meetings for some of the day - and if said spouse works and has meetings of her own sometimes, she will never catch you out.

The OW in this equation used to spend time in these hotels with him, simply telling her H to call her on her mobile phone if he needed her. How would he ever know where she was? Having her affair partner keep quiet during the phone call, and trying not to giggle while he kissed her neck, was no doubt part of the thrill of the affair.

I'm sorry to say that you have a lot to learn, and even sorrier that I can teach it to you.


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Originally Posted By: helpfordad
Are bb84 and bdb84 the same poster?

Can you provide a link, please? I thought I'd seen a similar name, but I don't have time to search just now.


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Originally Posted By: helpfordad
Are bb84 and bdb84 the same poster?


This is my only account.


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Originally Posted By: SugarCane

My H had a 3.5-year PA with a woman who did not even live in our country (the UK), and I thought I knew where he was - in a broad sense - every day. However, sometimes when I thought he was at work in London, he was in a hotel room or in her house in Belgium.


My XH had multiple affairs over a 16 year period. Same thing, I always knew where he was. I had no clue that he was cheating. I'm sure the slag was right there and he would just tell her to be quiet while he spoke to me on the phone.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
bdb84 #2843054 02/13/15 02:59 PM
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Also here,
Serial Cheaters


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



bdb84 #2843194 02/14/15 10:18 AM
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I am in a very similar situation.. I had an alcohol-related one-night stand very early in our relationship. I cut off contact after, and did whatever I could to make it right. My husband has serially cheated on me, and had long-term relationships with at least 3 women since then, all of which I uncovered, and all of which he blamed on that one night.

**EDIT**

moderators note: please familiarize yourself with MB concepts before posting advice to others.

Last edited by Denali; 02/14/15 11:19 AM. Reason: TOS TOS non MB advice
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