I'd guess you are edging towards a 'Selfish Demand' lovebuster. Now that you need her to engage you are being ever so slightly pushy about it.

A selfish demand is anything that carries a threat of punishment. That could even include a moodiness from you when you aren't getting anywhere.

Just work on your delivery. Offer dates, offer this plan. Dont look like someone shot your puppy if she says no. You are offering this, like the treat it is. If she says no, confidence with rejection is sexy. Just my opinion!

Perfect response.

That's very good insight, and it's the problem almost every husband faces when they come to this board.

You'll need to become the most enjoyable part of her life. That will take some work on your part, and probably some trial and error. Remember that it is your job to do, not hers, so do not get impatient with her for any reluctance that she expresses.

I don't want to derail the discussion, but I noticed something when I was talking to her last night. She seems in some way to be pleased with my discomfort. She knows she is in control right now and that I am miserable. I realized that she definitely has anger towards me though she doesn't express it in the usual way (no yelling, cursing, etc). I had to go in the bedroom and force myself to calm down. This is doubly hard because I have to lose the mechanism (game addiction) that I used to employ to squash my emotions.

She was texting with her sister. I know she needs to talk to somebody and I am both frustrated because she is who I talk to when I get emotional but can't now and jealous because I want to be that person in her life again. Emotionally I am just a mess. Any suggestions on getting this in check so I don't make things worse?

I also know that some of this is from the withdrawal of the games. As silly as it sounds they used to keep me emotionally null and now it seems I'm dealing with all these feelings all at once.

Disrespectful judgement!

Texan, you might try reading Dr. Harley's article here and trying the technique he suggests with the GSR meter:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8122_neg.html

Exercise.

All of that falls in the category of depicting yourself as reading your wife's mind, or psychoanalyzing her, and indiegirl is right that it is a disrespectful judgment. This line of thinking is going to be very counterproductive for you, and you need to terminate it.

This point seems to have been bypassed by all the responses that focused on unsubscribing, and so on.

This is not a minor issue. Anything that you have unsubscribed from can be re-engaged within minutes online. If I have learned anything about addiction from this forum, it is that extraordinary measures need to be taken to separate the addict from the source of his addiction. Voluntarily unsubscribing from something that is easily available to you means nothing at all. It can be taken up again in an instant.

I know I do. All these emotions are making me a bit unhinged. Better to sit miserable and quiet than create more strife, I agree. Believe me the thoughts are unwelcome in my head and now I realize it's just hurt and ego talking.

As for the other thing about the games, my wife has no interest in getting involved in my recovery. She is not going to get involved even if I wanted her to. This has to be for me and me alone. I need to deal with the thoughts and feelings that brought me to the addiction, and keep in the front of my mind what it has cost me. (I don't mean beat myself up over it, but rather be conscious of the threat)

Are you on ADs?

Another thing I wanted to point out is that even if you wife IS enjoying the fact you're waking up a bit - that's exactly what youre after.

Few women fall in love unless they feel they have some power and influence over the man courting them. That comes PRE love.

You want her to get used to that. To feeling secure in your attentions.

Earlier in my life I was on Prozac for about 5 years and getting therapy for what the doc termed mild OCD tendencies. It really helped and generally speaking I am emotionally even and healthy. When severe stress hits things tend to unhinge a bit, but I can fall back on what I've learned and it helps. Some days are just better than others, as is life.

That's the source of lots of my confusion. Now that I am actually making some positive personal progress she is pulling away. I don't want to force anything and I realize it has to be mutual or it won't work. Living together and sleeping in the same bed is just hard given the circumstances. I take HUGE comfort in physical contact and it is just off the board completely for the immediate future. I also greatly enjoy giving physical love and having to hold it back is perhaps even more painful than not getting it. Last night she got up in the middle of the night and then went to sleep in my son's bed and fell back asleep cuddling with him. When I woke him up for school I asked her if I was snoring and she said no, she just came in to check on him and lay down and went to sleep. This is not necessarily a bad thing but it seems more down the road to full disconnect than towards the road to reconnection. I guess she's having a hard time sleeping with me as well.

My wife told me today that in April she'll be flying to Calgary to visit her sister and help her move into her new place. I had a talk with her and asked her if she would be willing to read some books with me. She is hyper defensive right now and I tried to explain that I am not pushing, merely suggesting. She seems very unwilling to commit to even the simplest of things (reading a book?!?) I am sorely discouraged right now. We won't fall in romantic love again if she is completely unwilling to try. She says she needs some time away. More than at any time in our marriage I really feel I'm losing her completely.

Nooooo. Books aren't fun. What's fun? What would be appealing to her?

You still sound pretty entitled, like you expect her to do some of the work. Ain't gonna happen.

Have you tried pitching this plan by considering what's in it for her?

Are you scared of her saying no or something?

Let me break it down for you. A man who can hear the word 'no' and keeps on smiling and being pleasant is the sexiest thing on earth.

The more you can do that, the less pressured she will feel around you.

Right now the most appealing thing to her, apparently, is getting away from me for a while. I don't know if this is a good thing (cool down, perspective) or a bad thing (forget about problems and just run away).

I don't expect her to do anything at all. I accept that I cannot "make" her want to try. From all I'm reading I can't make this marriage better alone, can I? I have invited her to lunch, have asked if we can go out one night and just have fun. She doesn't even give me a "no" but a "I'll think about it." That leaves the ball well in her court and me standing around useless.

I use words to help deal with what I'm going through but in this case it isn't necessarily helpful for her. My fear of losing her is clouding my perspective. Maybe I need to back off until I can get that under control?

There are a number of things I need to work on about myself. Perhaps in the time I'm waiting for a "maybe" to turn to a yes or no I can just focus on them.

Hmmm. Fear is a really awful stumbling block.

Fact is, Even if she does run away into a complete separation, (which I don't think she is even close to) you'll still have access to her and to her love bank.

The love bank is unconscious. It doesn't require any kind of decision on her part. That's why lots of people (pretty much all people!) fall in love unintentionally. Nobody ever went on a first date and decided to fall in love over the next couple of weeks - but when you understand the love bank that's exactly what you can control!

I've seen far direr situations than yours turned around, the guy has been a dreadful husband and she's in love with another guy - yours is a dead cert.

The only thing that concerns me is that the lovebank responds to fun and pleasant situations. I'm a little concerned that you might be showing your sad/stressed face when she doesn't play ball.

The offers you are making are very much food for thought and will create ripple effects.

Have you presented this plan to her? You're doing all this legwork - get the credit at least.

What fun activities have you offered? Bowling, trampoline parks, museums, movie with dinner after, concerts, monopoly, pool, raqetball, browsing a home improvement store, planning a trip for 2, going on a trip for 2, sporting events, dancing (+/- lessons), indoor tennis, play and dinner after? What would be fun?

Texan, pay attention to this stuff. These are the mistakes I made that kept us from making any progress for years.