STOP BEING JUDGMENTAL OF HER NATURAL HUMAN NEED TO ESCAPE FROM PROBLEMS. The whole plan here is for you to learn to facilitate her need to get away from problems for 15+ hours each week. Dr. Harley encourages this. It's a GOOD thing. Every time you mention it, you sound like you feel like something is WRONG with her if she feels that way. KNOCK IT OFF.

Learn to eliminate everything you do in life that is a problem for her so she will not want to escape from you any more.

OK. Now my wife texts me she started back up the gym membership we closed when she lost her job. Apparently she had put her side on "hold" for $10/month and only canceled mine.

Me: "I should really start exercising regularly again as well. Maybe we can go together? Would be a good stress reliever."

Her: "It is good for many things."

Me: "Are they having any deals?"

Her: "No."
Her: "Maybe you can just use the equipment we have at home."

She is using some of her student loan money to subsidize. But this is what I am experiencing right now. I'm getting cut off at the knees at anything I try which involves us doing things out of the house together. I am not going to mope or gripe about it to her, but it is (once again) discouraging. I also don't even know how to interpret the "it is good for many things" reply?

If I make an issue of the money, I'm a jerk. I don't have $110/mo to blow on a membership being the only money earner.

I am really not meaning to judge her. Believe me as a video game addict I know all about the need to escape from you problems, and I don't blame her for her feelings or urges.

I have quit the video games, for good this time. I am too old and have lost too much for something so asinine. I have started picking up things that need to be done around the house ( mostly to keep myself busy ) instead. I cannot get her out of the house with me at this point so is there a plan b?

What does your wife like? You romanced this woman before. WHat worked? Have you thought about showing nonphysical affection (flowers, love note, etc.)?

Can it possibly be? I was desperately looking for something to do with her this weekend and noticed a concert called "Winter Jam."
I mentioned the concert and at first it was "But parking is too overpriced" and "I prefer more intimate venues" but when I mentioned one artist I know she actually likes, she was "Well I do like her, true." I haven't got a firm "Yes" yet but I am on it like a duck on a june bug. I will not be forceful, I will be patient, but I will try my hardest to make this night happen for us. If it doesn't happen I will not let it sink my face or attitude.

Texan44- I went to WinterJam a few weeks ago. I LOVED it. It was a great experience. Go!! You won't regret it! Skillet puts on an amazing show.

That doesn't matter, though. Learn to recognize when something is judgmental and filter that kind of talk out of your conversation, even with us.

Judgmental statements are judgmental even when there are 100% good intentions behind them.

Tell her: "But I want us to work out together."

$110/mo for a gym membership?? Where are you going?

Awesome.



This is the hardest lovebuster to learn about. Everything else you can learn through reading. DJs take experience because even true and well intentioned statements can trip you.

Listen to the radio show every day and try and read other threads. New MB101 threads are usually riddled with DJs - yours isn't, but even just one, just the ghost of one, will undo days of needs meeting.

You're Plan Aing her. Making her feel safe and unpressurized - being the most pleasant person in her world. She will bite eventually.

I did say "I thought it would be good if we could work out together" but she just shot it down. "Too expensive." (which is actually true) The gym is Lifetime Fitness and it is upscale for sure. Hey the place is awesome but they make you pay out the nose for it. Our older son came over for dinner last night and she was pushing the idea that I get a membership with him at a cheaper local place. I have no problem with the idea of working out with my son, that would be awesome. It's just not necessarily going to help my marriage. Although I think she's sick of my lip service on getting into shape and wants me to actually do something about my weight and overall appearance.

You are correct in thinking that working out with your son won't help your marriage. You should be together while working out. Working out together releases all kinds of good hormones and deposits love units.

It's a big mistake for her to be working out in a gym without you. Can you afford to go for a couple of months with your wife? Can you make that happen?

A very important part of losing weight is changing the way you eat and making sure you eat healthy foods. Have you started on a healthy food plan that will work for life?

Call the gym yourself to inquire about pricing. A second person (even third person, etc.) should not be paying the same rate as the first person. I live in TX too and am familiar with this gym.

You could take long walks every day and make sure to invite her along here and there until she bites.

Well for the time being she says she will be working out during the day when I'm at work. This means even if I spend the money likely she won't want to go back with me after she has already done her workout.

At any rate, asked her if she would mind to ask about a rate for me on her acct. Told her I used to really enjoy working out with her and thought it would be good to start again. We'll see what she says.

EDIT: She texted back "They will make you pay to join. I am motivated on my own."

and I texted back "Just thought it could be something we could do together. I understand about the time and money."

I also talked to her again about the Winter Jam concert idea and at first she completely shot it down. "I don't like that venue" "I prefer a smaller more intimate atmosphere so I can appreciate the music" so no. But then she says "I really think <our son> would like to go to something like that" So I say "You want to go but take <our son>?" Seems like she is interested in that. Not exactly what I had in mind but I would like to get out, I need some time out having fun too.

Unfortunately I know this particular gym and before we were both paying the same rate (plus a reduced rate for our younger son so he could use the kids facilities while we worked out). It is moot point now, though. She has her mind made up about when she is going to work out (daytime) and that is pretty much that. If I want to put back on some muscle mass and get in better shape I am going to have to do it on my own.

I wouldn't have asked her for permission if you could call...you just call and find out.

How long would she spend at the gym when she was going before? Did you work out together back then? How long has it been since she went?

Have you pitched this program to her?

She may feel there's no point letting you in just to get hurt again, if you have no plan.


If she shoots you down, take a graceful bow and we'll coach you on drive by needs meeting in the house.