Texan, I read your thread again.

Have you presented the plan? "Hey, honey I found this website, these marriage principles. It lays out a real good plan for helping me be the husband I think you want." That kind of thing.

When was the last time you gamed? Just seeing my husband at a computer triggers negative feelings in me.

Sounds like your lovebank in her is closed. That's why she's avoiding your attempts at deposits. She's questioning your motives,your sincerity, she doesn't know what you're up to. Present the plan. Then she'll know your motivation.

Start the plan.

First NO lovebusters. Make requests, not demands. Figure out the right eating plan for you. Invite her to join you in recreation (walking, tossing the baseball, frisbee whatever...)

My H is frustrated with our progress too. But, we didn't implement every detail of the plan. We tried to piece-meal it. Doesn't work.

Dr Harley answered our email Tuesday on the show.

Schedule UA, meet each other's needs, and workout together.

Texan44, going back to your very first post on this thread, in which you said your wife says she loves you like a friend and doesn't know how that happened, I strongly suggest you find out what's happening while she's at the gym. She is checked out, wants little to do with you, and isn't apparently interested in making the marriage better. Plus she has plenty of freedom to have an independent life from you.

You said you are snooping through digital channels, but what about finding out what's going on at the gym? I would include that and make it a priority. Get a friend or hire a PI to find out. If I was in your wife's shoes - attractive and married to someone who was overweight and excluding me from his life through video games and the life, that's exactly where I would go. I would put on cute workout clothes and work out, then I'd make sure to discourage my H from joining me there. There are lots of good-looking energetic men at gyms.

Maybe I typed that wrong. I wasn't asking permission I was asking if she was interested. We usually spent about an hour working out. We usually went together, yes. It has been almost a year since we were working out regularly.

We live in a condo, and we have a nice pool here, but she would insist we use the club pool in past just because of the cost. Other than working out that was about the extent of it.

I have presented the plan. I am not 100% sure she trusts my motivation. Because of past issues and problems I am sure she knows I can make changes for the better, but I am unsure if she believes I can maintain. I know she hasn't felt "that feeling" for me in a very long time but stayed and tried to keep it together. The knowledge of that fact is one of the reasons I withdrew. I wish to God I'd found this site years ago. I know her. She is asking herself how many times she wants to go through this again? She is very reluctant to even discuss programs or therapy.

Texan, I am new here too but I decided to start reading a few threads other than my own. My wife too is completely shut out but we had a break through last night so I am in good spirits that this program works.

On the topic of working out:

My wife and I need to work out. She is not at a point where she would be willing to go with me or at all. I don't push her. But I looked at myself and asked, "would this be someone you would date or marry?" When I found that answer, I decided to start going without her. She is now starting to get the want, just by viewing the example. I know your situation is a bit different in that she is already going, but you need to start looking inside yourself and ask yourself, "Do I like who I have become? If I was in my wife's shoes, would I want this?" This was my motivation. Besides I am already seeing results and I actually like the guy staring back at me in the mirror. Point I am making, this program is about change. You are not going to be able to change your wife without changing yourself first.

On the topic of going out:

We men want nothing more than to satisfy our wives and come up with solutions to fix problems. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done, but sometimes you need to step back, shut up, and listen. Start asking questions about everything. Do you want to go out Saturday night? Is there anything you would like to do? I found <this activity>, would you like to go? No? Could you offer a suggestion or alternative?
She has already given you a hint. Smaller venue. Start looking in that direction. She brings up your son a lot. Start making plans with just you and him and invite her (keep her schedule in mind). Don't get frustrated when she doesn't want to go. Always stay positive and up beat. Body language speaks louder than words too. Show true interest in your son. This could be one of her ENs.

I know that she is has been frustrated that that although she was "trying" the feelings weren't coming back the way she wanted (whether that means quality or quantity I have no idea). I don't believe that she is fully checked out yet. I really don't know what to think. I don't want to snoop on my wife. She will make decisions, and depending on those decisions things will get better or worse. I am almost certain that she is not involved with anyone else but i can't say she's not thinking about it. Believe me that thought haunts me. All I can do is what I can do. If she sees me jealous, snooping, trying to inject myself in her every move, how will that be a good thing?

For marriages that have recovered here, the wife in such a scenario typically blows up and dials up to an 11 to try to make the husband back off, then thanks him later.

How could it NOT be a good thing for your wife to find out you want to be integrated into her life?

Texan, part of the plan here is to become so integrated into your wife's life that she could NOT have an affair without your knowledge. If you are not doing that, you are not following the Marriage Builders plan, so don't expect success.

Don't expect success if you skip the parts of the plan you don't want to do.

Aside from when I am at work we are always together though. We have been for a very long time. We go almost everywhere together. When she does something out of the ordinary I do ask about it. I am quite aware that unhappy wife + world full of younger, better shape men = danger. The disconnect I'm having is how to get from where I am now to actually able to implement any of the plans I've read (which I really like and know will work!!!). If she has closed the window to the love bank to me, what can I do? I am trying to make positive personal changes for myself, so that I can be a better man, father, husband. Not FOR HER but because I truly believe it should be that way. If she only sees the me she has learned to dislike and distrust, and not the me she married out of love, I am sunk.

I don't think my wife is having an affair, though. Why should the "dealing with an affair" parts be relevant to my situation? I am not trying to skip anything, sincerely.

Snooping is part of a protective and caring marriage. So, so many affairs start at the gym - it's like they put something in the water. Its a good preventative step especially since your wife isn't in love with you.

Also just in case I didn't make it clear, she just renewed the gym membership yesterday. She hasn't been going, neither of us have for around a year.

Would you mind answering this question?

I am plenty snoopy, believe me. I look, I listen, I ask. Should I insist that we go to the same gym and work out together? What do I do when she says no? From the way she watches me lately when she thinks I'm not looking I just get the feeling that she is trying to figure me out. Not necessarily "testing" me but not necessarily not, either. She is being so aloof that is is almost impossible for me to get an emotional read.

Other than using my computer to help her with her homework, I haven't even been on it at all in a week now. The last time I played on it was on Sunday Feb 15th.

So? Do you know how long markos didn't think I was having an affair?

You can't know unless you are integrated with her life.

Snooping is not "dealing with an affair part" of MB. It's part of becoming integrated into each others lives, even if there has been no affair.

Markos has never had an affair. I check up on him all the time, and not because I think he's up to anything. Without permission to check up on each other, a secret second life is sure to develop. And secret second lives are marriage killers.

Good to know you are snooping.

My call is that she is testing you. Bit like a girl with a new boyfriend who has a bad rep.

Both cannot be true.

Go with her anyway!

Have you mentioned a plan that would benefit both her and you yet?

Why don't you buy, His Needs - Her Needs, or Fall In Love - Stay In Love?

Leave it laying around after you read through it and highligh various sections. Print out the free Questionnaires from this site and keep them in the book with your sections filled out.

It may pique her interest.

LTL