It turns out that what people to do deal with an affair successfully is ALSO what people do to have a good marriage. So, if you want to turn your marriage around, get after it.

Dr. Harley and his wife Joyce follow ALL of the "dealing with an affair" parts of Marriage Builders, and neither one of them has ever had an affair, and they have a great marriage.

I am always around. When she is on the phone I know who she is talking to, I check the call logs. I check the outgoing text logs if I think something seems wrong. The distinction I was making was about having someone physically follow her or hiring a PI.

But you won't always be around if she's at the gym and you are not.

She is planning on going when I am at work. My office is too far from the gym to make leaving, working out, coming back a reality and keep my job. I am also the only one working at the moment. She tried hard to get another job but because she only had a 2 year degree lots of doors were closed, which is why she is in online classes to finish her undergrad.

Marriage > Job

Go anyway, at least a time or two. Show up unannounced to surprise her. Cheerfully.

Hence the very wise suggestion to have either a friend follow her or a PI.

I know if I were planning such a thing, markos would take off work and randomly show up to see me. He was always annoying that way.

I know this. It makes me feel sick inside from even the potential, but I cannot see how to get around it right now. I don't know how. I have sent her another text reiterating my desire to work out together as it used to be something we enjoyed. I told her I do not want to let it pass simply because of money. Will see how she responds. I am not asking for permission, but coordination. I could get a membership right now, but I can't be certain when she'll go or that she'll not intentionally go when she knows I can't be there. I just don't have open options here.

Even if she's not planning anything, gyms are very dangerous places for married women to go alone. The few times I went without markos, I always had at least one man hit on me.

Your wife is going to get a lot of attention from males that she WILL enjoy.

I sincerely hope that is the case. I can usually read her like a book because we've been together so long but she can also be very cold when she wants to. When she's like that I find it much harder to figure her out.

Options have been suggested. You've just put your hands over your ears while you continue to whistle.

If your marriage is your priority, you will find a way to keep an eye on her.

Hope is not a plan.

I sent her another message. I asked if she would be willing to work out at night with me instead, if I found a way to make the money work. She said, "maybe." Will see what happens.

Once you find out what the price is you can better approach her with that info vs not knowing how much it will cost and speculating. If your son is interested in the gym, he could maybe go with his mom when you can't. You could also go as a family; do they have a family rate?

For those who have not seen a Lifetime Fitness, they are MASSIVE...rock climbing walls, spa services, a salon, cafe, etc. Even if your wife went during the day you could still try to persuade her to go a second time with you...she could go relax in the sauna. Or you can rock climb together. My point is you sell it to her so that it would be difficult for her to say no to you going together. Plus you have the added benefit of showing your face around the club and letting men/staff know that yes that's MY WIFE just by your presence.

Look for where you can cut costs to afford this and make it happen.

As for the concert...why not all three of you go? Since she is already trying to shoot it down as a date, sell it as family time. At least she will be there. Then you can look for a more intimate event for just the two of you.

I am more than willing to pay whatever at this point thanks raven. I am going to take the initiative and make it happen one way or another.
Even if I have to take money out of retirement account to do it.

I think we are all on board for Saturday concert. We will make it a family outing and have a great time. I know my wife likes to see me doing "dad things" and of course I absolutely love spending time with my boys.

EDIT: My older son definitely doesn't want to spend the money to go to Lifetime. His roommate goes to another much cheaper gym and he'll likely join there.

Excellent idea. You could also show up to haggle a deal with the staff. 'My wife loves it here but we don't know whether it's affordable as a couple?'

I am completely devastated. I hacked my wife's iMessage and routed it to my iPad and she has indeed been having a long distance EA. Some guy she met on a plane last time she went to visit her mom. 10 years younger. Nothing physical has happened because he is 2000 miles away. I told her she didn't have to leave the house but if she stayed she had to break it off right now in front of me, delete his info, and block the number from the phone. She complied but then told me she was going to shut down so we will both be miserable and depressed. She is downstairs crying. I don't even know what to feel. I still want to save our marriage but I don't think she even cares at this point. I feel empty. She says she doesn't think she is meant to be married. Everything I saw as hope was an absolute lie to keep me in the dark on her part.

I'm so sorry, Texan, I know how that feels

You need to get an exposure plan together. Who is this weasel?

It's actually good news. You've diagnosed the real problem and can bust it up. You had no chance to make lovebank deposits during an EA. The weeping and wailing right now is just the fog - which exposure takes care of.

You will hear her say a lot of dumb stuff.

Sorry Texan but this fantasy EA is going nowhere...some guy on a plane who lives 2k miles away isn't going to hang around. When did she meet him?

I would confront this man by phone. Call him and tell him you are XXX's husband, Texan44...that you have been married for xx years and your oldest son also won't appreciate someone messing with his mom...that if he has any sense at all he will leave your wife alone unless he wants a whole lot of trouble. Don't threaten or yell but very firmly tell him to get lost and lose your wife's number permanently. If he tries to respond, tell him shut up and don't EVER contact your wife again...click.

Most OM are scared off if they think some "crazed" husband may hunt them down.