No you weren't fine with it, it caused a fight. Don't agree to ideas from your Giver that don't make your Taker happy. If you mistakenly thought you would be fine with this, now you know that was a big mistake; don't make this kind of mistake again.

Like I said SusieQ, It is not like they were getting together as friends. She just asked a favor of my wife to pick up some of her stuff from work since she got another job. They met at a grocery store parking lot, and my wife gave her the stuff from her work locker.

It would have been a whole different situation if it was to go get together as friends.

I am going to step aside and let the others help you. Good luck.

Not really.

But you have already decided to recover, and you have decided that even if the affair was physical you would still want to recover.

So the outcome of any polygraph will not determine if you want to recover or not. It will not give you any information that you need in order to recover.

It still bothered you, though, and you had a fight with her about it! It triggered you. Stop agreeing to this stuff.

I would not have been able to recover without the full truth.

I would have filed for divorce if my H had refused the poly.

I needed to know the truth and I think for my H to invest emotionally he needed to not have any more secrets. So the poly ultimately for us was a critical step in cleaning the slate and being able to focus on the here and now.

What you are saying here is that you will not be able to recover without the truth, but you do not want to file for divorce. But you may not have the luxury of getting the truth so then what? I guess that is what you need to decide.

Your wife does not seem to care much about healing you, or be on board with EP's and POJA at all. I am not at all surprised that she finds a poly 'insulting.' Your decision is whether you are willing to live like this, or not.

But you still fight with her. How is that an amazing Plan A?

You are also a woman. Men can recover without the full truth, and sometimes have to.

RR has said that he would want to recover regardless of what the truth is. He's already decided. He would like to have the truth, but he has decided on recovery regardless of what it is.

He cannot force his wife to take a polygraph. She doesn't want to. There is no real reason to, other than he'd like to know some things, but they have no bearing on recovery.

This is not the hill to die on.

RR, did you relisten to those radio shows? Your wife is going to be a tough nut to crack, and you're going to have to be very careful how you handle her. Those shows are going to be vital for you to listen to on a regular basis to keep it up.

Will you get back on ADs?

I just got an email from Joyce that said they addressed my Polygraph issue on this morning�s show. I am going to try to listen to is ASAP.

Prisca, I have listened to them, but I agree that I need to go back and listen to them again.

Write Dr. Harley and ask to be on the show.

That is to be determined. I like the way I feel without them. I feel more conscious and aware of my surroundings. On the AD's I feel more numb and disconnected.

Numb and well-behaved is a lot better for your long term happiness right now than feeling bad and acting out.

True!

RR

This thread interests me as I have a similar dilemma, my W is unlikely to confess, has given me only very fragmentary disclosure, stated she would not tell sexual details, but yet because of MB my W is now happy with the way I treat her.

I can tolerate this until my kids are out of college, I don�t know if I can stay after that without a polygraph or voluntary confession.

God Bless
Gamma

So I just listened to the show, and Dr. Harley�s advice was pretty spot on to what has been discussed within this thread. He says that I can�t force her to do anything, so I can let her know that it would help me heal, but ultimately it is up to her. He says that things like this have a way of coming out in the future, which can bring you right back to Dday, so it would be very beneficial for her to tell me now.

This goes right along with what Gamma just said. I am willing to dig deep, and move on for my family and for the kids, but once the kids move out, I may still want answers.

It was also mentioned on the show whether or not PA vs. EA would make a difference on whether I decided to stay on the path of recovery. My answer to that is I would still work towards recovery, but It definitely would make a difference to me. One of the reasons, is that I am supposedly the only man she has ever been with, and I feel like I, as her husband deserve to know if that has changed. I would still love her regardless, but it would at least give me the whole story. I don't like feeling like I am in the dark. I want truth, even if the truth is painful. Mentally I already suffered through the worst, because for the first month I assumed it was a PA, and went through the mental anguish that any man would go through.

Would it change your answer from "Yes" to "no"?

How about I just save you the trouble and assure you that it was a physical affair?

You can spend the next 20 years driving yourself crazy wanting her to admit to the truth (and then finally divorcing her), or you can just accept now that it was a physical affair without her acknowledging it and spend the next 20 years building a happy marriage.

I suggest you go with the latter. No one will debate that you DESERVE the truth. But she's not going to give that to you right now. Dwelling on it for years on end is not going to do you any good. You'd be better off divorcing her now.