I'm looking for advice in avoiding love busters in my marriage. I have a list of the things my wife finds annoying and would love some input.

1. Probably the biggest thing is when I don't like something or we disagree I roll my eyes. This has been an annoying habit I have had for years.
2. She has told me that we don't do enough fun things together and we stay in the house to much.
3. Our conversation is lacking and would love some advice on that.
4. I come off as judgmental sometimes without knowing.
5. I need to be more open with my feelings

Would love any advice or suggestions, thanks!

Hi Ghen!! I would start by reading the book Lovebusters. [you can download it to your computer. Most people don't even realize when they make lovebusters so it will be a real eye opener for you. It sounds like you are aware of some of your lovebusters so that is a good start.

Another great resource is the MB radio show which plays all the time. It is live once a day, but you can download the app [its free] and listen anytime on your phone or an ipad. I listen to it on my way home from the office every day.

This is also a disrespectful judgement.

This is a big complaint for a lot of wives. Read up on Undivided Attention (UA) time. This program requires that you take your wife out on dates 4 times a week, for a minimum of 15 hours total. You'll probably want more time than that to start.

Investigate your wife. Ask her questions to learn more about her, questions about her past, what's going on today, and what'd she'd like to do in the future.

Disrespectful Judgements are very tricky to notice in ourselves. Get the book Lovebusters and read through the Disrespectful Judgement chapter. Also start listening to the radio show. Try to figure out when another couple is being disrespectful to each other -- it is often easier to notice in other people before we can start noticing in ourselves.

Get in the habit of using phrases like "How would you feel about ..."

Women typically need Openness and Honesty from their husbands. She'll feel neglected if you do not share your thoughts and feelings with her. Read the Openness and Honesty chapter in His Needs, Her Needs.

Ask her to keep a written list of things you say that she feels are judgmental or disrespectful, and to give you that list once a day. Don't have a conversation with her about the list until you've posted it here and discussed it with us and understand why she feels you were judgmental or disrespectful.

Dr. Harley recommends that you sit down together as a couple every Sunday afternoon and plan fifteen hours of fun things to do together in the coming week, outside of the house.

Dr. Harley also says it's very important to get out of the house, because most husbands when they stay home will give some of their attention to things that need doing around the house and will thus take some of that attention away from their wife.

Get the book His Needs Her Needs and read the chapter on conversation. Dr. Harley lists four friends of good conversation for you to practice, and four enemies of good conversation for you to avoid (AT ALL COSTS). You can read a bit about these here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html

I suggest reading through the four friends and enemies daily to keep yourself reminded of them. Spend fifteen hours a week together and during that time practice engaging in the four friends and avoiding the four enemies.

Thanks for all the advice! I just got his needs her needs and plan on picking up a few other of his books this week.

Getting out of the house as Dr H recommends (women by far need this the most) will create natural opportunities for conversation.

Then you can be more open about your feelings by telling her about your childhood, your daily interactions and your hopes and dreams for the future.

What kinds of things might she enjoy doing?

Keep eye contact with her or keep looking at what is directly in front of you so that you don't let your eyes roll. You need to be mindful of this and make it a habit with everyone you speak to not just your wife.

A great way to get in the habit of being open and honest is to tell you wife two things that happened to you that day, and how you felt about them. To start, make them about things not specifically in your relationship. Maybe an event at work, or that you read online. This will get you in the habit of opening up to your wife, about what your life is like, and how you relate to things.

And practice keeping eye contact (with a pleasant expression on your face, not a staring, scary face!) Spouses can very easily get in the habit of looking elsewhere, which allows distractions to interfere. Even if you aren't distracted while talking to your wife, she will feel that you are....

Thanks for all the great ideas!

Thanks catwhit, that does seem like a good place to start talking more and opening up. I usually keep good eye contact but I could definitely do better to let her know she has my undevided attention.