At least now you can deal with the real issues. Go check out the Surviving An Affair forum. There are many threads to give you hope!

I'm so sorry, Texan. You have done the right thing by snooping and discovering crucial information you needed to move forward. When you say she broke it off, does that mean she wrote a No Contact letter? No Contact Letters

Here's what needs to happen:


Go to the top thread of the Surviving an Affair forum and start reading. You are in Plan A. As a man in Plan A, make sure you have eliminated ALL love busters. Don't threaten to kick her out of the house and don't move out yourself. Stay put and try meeting any of her emotional needs she allows.

She's going to be depressed and withdrawn and angry. She will feel better if she can get to a doctor for ADs. Be very patient and kind through this time.

Also, Dr. Harley would tell you that you don't HAVE to save your marriage and that he would completely understand if you sought a divorce instead of trying to recover after infidelity. Howver, if you want to save your marriage, MB is the way to go. If you follow this plan and can eventually invite your wife to join you, your marriage will recover and be great - much better than before.

Im so sorry Texan44. Im glad you know now, but sorry it had to happen like that. please follow the plan here. You CAN recover your marriage. She's saying the same exact things every other wayward says. I promise you, that.

Texan, I'm sorry this has happened, but I am glad you have found out the truth.

Be sure not to order your wife around during this time. Just tell her honestly how much her affair hurts you and let her know that any continued contact with the OM or repeat of the circumstances that led to her affair will be unbearably painful to you.

Quietly and simply inform her family, your family, and anybody else important in her life about the affair. Also, reveal the affair to the OMs wife and family (track them down if necessary). Then, contact the OM and demand that he never see or talk to your wife again.

Meanwhile, I suggest you watch this video, with your wife if she will watch it with you, and get ahold of the book Surviving an Affair.

Infidelity: What Every Couple Should Know

And Texan, whatever you do, do not fight with her. Do not become demanding, disrespectful, or angry toward her. If you don't want to stay married to her any more, that is fine, but for your sake, don't fight with her about it. If you decide that is what you want, just see an attorney, arrange a quick divorce, and don't see or talk to her any more.

Texan, I am so sorry. There are so many people here that know exactly what you are going through. If you go back and read the first few replies to your original post, you will see that all the signs were there. When the members of this forum read a story like yours, they instantly see the red flags. Your wife was so disconnected, that it was plain to see her emotional needs were being met by another man.

The good news is the good members of this forum have helped many BS�s recover their marriages, and turn them into marriages that you never thought could be possible. Please listen to what they advise you to do, especially a full and complete exposure, on both sides. Looking back to last summer, I think I could have potentially lost everything if I had not exposed my wife�s affair. Do not cut corners, and think your situation is unique and different. All affairs are the same, and they thrive on addiction. Without full exposure, your wife will be right back at it.

Is the OM married? When will you be exposing?

So sorry to hear this, Texan
But I'm not surprised. She seemed wayward to me.

Don't disappear -- stick around. We can help you. Many here have been there, and have followed this program to achieve wonderfully recovered marriages.

And others have followed this program to achieve wonderful self-recoveries without their waywards.

Either way, we can help.

Either way you choose, you need to read this link:
Exposure 101

And listen to markos. Don't order your wife around. I know it feels natural and right, but you can't afford any lovebusters at this point.

We talked until 4 in the morning. I told her that I still have not completely given up, but I cannot right now get around the infidelity. She showed me the note she wrote the guy. Something like "My husband now knows we have been talking and under these circumstances we can't continue talking. I am so sorry." The showed me deleting his history, contact info, etc. She has promised me that she will not contact him again, and will show me and delete any further messages the guy sends. As of yet the only message I saw him send was "wait, what?" then nothing. I have told her that unless she can commit to therapy and a real plan we cannot continue. I just can't relive cheating again. She told me over the course of the night that it had been many more times than the 1 she ever told me about, which was my fear. I still love her but she needs serious help. I am so sad and yet I am relieved that this was revealed. I didn't order, I gave her choices and although I know she felt pressured she chose to break it off. At this point the little hope I still feel is the source of most of my pain.

I know that she is hurt, in pain, shocked, depressed, all of the above. I am too. Just trying to keep it together for my son. We have both agreed that it is too early to have any talks with him or my oldest. I will try my best to be there for her needs and not bust up what is left.

Is the OM married?

What do you mean by this^^^^? Another affair or she admitted to a PA with this guy (had sex with him more than once)?

This is a grave mistake. Your boys are not stupid and will notice things are not right in your house. Please tell them what is going on before you make them confused and more worried.

Have you exposed this affair to friends and family? It also needs to be exposed to any children 4 and older. Did you read the exposure link I gave you?

Get Surviving An Affair (SAA) ASAP. You can buy it and download it off of amazon. Start reading it.

LongWayFromHome gave you the checklist you will need from SAA. Start going down the list.

Good grief that's a clear message that she is going to 'manage' you before resuming.



ALL cheaters do. It's an addiction and a miserable, irrational state.



PLEASE do not lie to them and allow them to blame themselves for the now unmistakable tension in your home.

You have no idea what they have seen over the years and you all need to know what's going on as you wrench her free.

Facing her children may be the only thing able to save her.

Never seen it done without that step.

Your wife has poor boundaries around men, and that's why she has affairs. It's a bit rarer for a person to actually go and SEEK affairs. If she's actually trolling for affairs, she would have to drastically change her lifestyle to make affairs virtually impossible. However, most affairs happen because a spouse has poor boundaries and allows another person to meet their emotional needs. She doesn't need therapy for this. She needs to institute Extraordinary Precautions for the rest of her life. And so do you.

You should sit down with your children as soon as possible, without your wife, and tell them what's been going on. You don't have to go into gory details. Just tell them that you have just discovered that their mother has been having affairs but that they will be okay and cared for, that you love them.

Your wife must disclose to you the people with whom she had affairs: who they were, where she met them, the nature of the affair. She needs to eliminate every condition of the affairs.

Exposure is very important now. Your close friends and family and clergy should all know so they can hold her accountable and to support you in what will turn out to be one of the most painful and difficult times in your life.

Definitely find out as much as you can about this OM, and any others, and expose to his family and friends, ESPECIALLY to his spouse, if married.

No. At least she says no.

You need to find out and not just take her word for it.

I mean that 6 or 7 years ago she came to me and confessed to an affair. It put our marriage in serious harm and through some counseling we were able to decide to try to move past it. Through time, prayer, and lots of patience and love we got back on track. It was an online EA that culminated in 1 night physical affair(guy lived in England). This is the only one she ever told me about but last night admitted to more before the one I knew about (didn't give me a number) and 1 between that and now that she said lasted a month. This floored me. This last one was purely EA and only 1 month (until last nights confrontation)

Texan, it is great that you have the truth out in the open. Your situation demonstrates what happens when couples don't affair proof their marriages after an affair, they experience more affairs in the future. I can't count the couples who have come back on this forum after ignoring the basic steps for recovery with repeat affairs. But you don't have to be like that if you follow these steps.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.