No. At least she says no.

You need to find out - on your own - who he is and if he is married. The affair should be exposed to his spouse and his family. Does he have a Facebook account?

Just trying to keep it together for my son. We have both agreed that it is too early to have any talks with him or my oldest. I will try my best to be there for her needs and not bust up what is left.

The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.

An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.

Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
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A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.

When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery.

The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight.

Q. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)

A. Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse).

My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.

The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.

The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).

Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.

It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.

I mean that 6 or 7 years ago she came to me and confessed to an affair. It put our marriage in serious harm and through some counseling we were able to decide to try to move past it. Through time, prayer, and lots of patience and love we got back on track. It was an online EA that culminated in 1 night physical affair(guy lived in England). This is the only one she ever told me about but last night admitted to more before the one I knew about (didn't give me a number) and 1 between that and now that she said lasted a month. This floored me. This last one was purely EA and only 1 month (until last nights confrontation)

Texan, I'm sorry this has happened, but I am glad you have found out the truth.

Be sure not to order your wife around during this time. Just tell her honestly how much her affair hurts you and let her know that any continued contact with the OM or repeat of the circumstances that led to her affair will be unbearably painful to you.

That is exactly how I put it. I told her I am still willing to stay together and try to save our marriage but that I could not under any circumstances let this EA go on. It would be torturous and unbearable. I told her if she chose to stay it all has to end right now. The problem is I can't trust my wife.

I told her that I can't get past the infidelity. I can't trust her. She isn't trustworthy. I still care for her very much but She still says she can't guarantee this sort of thing won't happen again. I don't know what drives this behavior but it is so destructive. I know she feels guilt, shame, hurt. I feel sad. Our children are 10 and 22. my parents don't want me to give up. I don't know if it is possible to move forward.

I truly don't understand how she can do this.

I still have her iMessages routed through the iPad. She told her brother earlier that we are getting divorced. She forgot it was still on maybe. We never made a final decision together, that's for sure. I feel sad for her because this sort of issue will not lead her to a good life.

Texan, it is great that you have the truth out in the open. Your situation demonstrates what happens when couples don't affair proof their marriages after an affair, they experience more affairs in the future. I can't count the couples who have come back on this forum after ignoring the basic steps for recovery with repeat affairs. But you don't have to be like that if you follow these steps.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

You need to find out - on your own - who he is and if he is married. The affair should be exposed to his spouse and his family. Does he have a Facebook account?

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i would start here by exposing the affair to any children over age 4. Your children should not be given false explanations for the source of tension in their home. That only confuses them and teaches them that lying is acceptable.

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

here



here

here

I told her that I can't get past the infidelity. I can't trust her. She isn't trustworthy.

I still care for her very much but She still says she can't guarantee this sort of thing won't happen again.

I don't know if it is possible to move forward.

Just trying to keep it together for my son. We have both agreed that it is too early to have any talks with him or my oldest.

You need to find out - on your own - who he is and if he is married. The affair should be exposed to his spouse and his family. Does he have a Facebook account?

This is some young guy my wife met on a plane. He lives in a different country. I wouldn't begin to know how to track down any info.