I think he is just so p!ssed that her family know the truth about his lies and it's put a big spanner in the works for thir "relationship"

I really think his biggest fear is getting found out by her for the crazy web of lies he has got himself in to and that have spiralled out of control

When I went there to OWs house her sister was there too and she was soooo angry- she told me she knew and had told her OW to end it cos he is blatantly lying to her and that she hates him.
She also confirmed the web of lies he's told about being separated etc etc because she has seen the messages between them

Oh yes and the mum said she will tell her to walk away and there is no way she would have him in the family-in fact she was very nice and understanding. It was a calm and polite exposure I did- no shouting, name calling Eric I just laid down the facts and asked them to tell her to walk away and leve us to sort our marriage out

Do you think the backlash from their families will have the reverse affect and they may feel lik " it's us against the world, we don't need anyone else our live is strong enough to get us through"

No, soon they will be blaming each other for their mess. Just take care of you and let them panic.

Great you didn't need to kick him out as I thought. They often try the mean and distant bluff when they want to continue the A. Get the locks changed and enter Plan B.

Relatives always a terrible idea. Have a really level headed friend?

He has to leave sometime. Let the changed locks be a surprise.

He had to leave you to go comfort her and she will be very needy and demanding on his time now.

I would present this checklist to him and tell him these are your requirements for remaining married.

How ready are you for Plan B?

Nearly perfect.

Don't excuse his A and counselling is usually very appealing to waywards who plan to continue the A but do some moaning in a talking shop alongside it.

You also send a copy to OW as it puts her on notice and informs her she wasn't chosen, he was dumped.

Have you read this? There are also examples of Plan B letters in the thread.

How to Plan B Correctly

Thanks everyone- this forum has been such a help- somewhere I can express what's happening and get support

I've read how to plan b. Today he stayed "sleeping" on the sofa until 8.30pm, then went to his parents, so no chance to change locks. Neither tomorrow as its Sunday.

However when he left I told him not to come back, and his sister is with him now telling him I don't want him to come back - hopefully he listens.

I haven't given him the plan b letter yet - I'm in 2 minds now whether I want to save this or not. And I kind of feel that I will be writing a begging letter.

I feel to say something instead like

" you have taken the lies and deception too far and I am not living under false pretences anymore. Please don't contact me, I need time for myself to think, and I will not consider speaking to you until you admit the truth, that I am not seeing things and your ready to call her in front of me and admit everything"

when an individual enters plan B the plan B letter should be copied from the surviving an affair book and it should not be hand delivered from the betrayed spouse

Everybody feels that way - everything about MB is counterintuitive, including exposure. My Plan B letter was waaaay more romantic than yours and wasn't in tune with the rage I felt. However once I'd sent it I felt really peaceful and like the more committed spouse. It also kept me out of trouble. Whenever I wanted to break Plan B or strut around in a cute outfit at one of his hangouts - I reminded myself he had the letter. I had done all I could and the ball was in his court.

I should stress you don't have to send a letter offering reconciliation at all. You have no children, why should you? You could just send a letter ending contact. However the SAA letter keeps all options open, you may decide not to reconcile, but the option will be there while you heal and it does put the A under some significant stress.



His calling her would be a terrible idea anyway. It wouldn't end the affair either because only no contact does that and talking to her, hearing her weep is contact! All he would need to do is send her the standard no contact letter.

You do realise she began this affair with a married man while they were working together? That's why she is being so crazy and dense now. She has been leaning on him a long time to leave you - and she just wants to believe it's finally happened.

An innocent, non wayward woman would be horrified and would dump him immediately.

My Plan B letter - drafted by one of our most amazing vets, Pepperband.

Dearest H,

I knew I was falling for you the moment after I said we could only be friends. Then minutes later I was finding myself kissing you in the rain by the paper shop. I've never looked back.

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with OW possible. I foolishly left you to grieve on your own. OW saw an opportunity, and stepped in.

I was not there for you when you needed me the most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid learning from the mistakes I�ve made in the past. I did not make you my number one priority. That was my big error. I have left you alone to pursue my own interests and friends. When you did the same I criticised you, instead of identifying it as my mistake too. If we are going to have a future together, I promise you, you are my number one priority.

I want to create a new life for both of us. that will meet your needs and mine. A marriage where we joyfully meet each other's needs. A marriage where we are in love with each other.

But I cannot do that However, that wonderful marriage is not possible until you end your relationship with OW once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing not see you, I will not speak with you. you or talking to you.

Our friend ? has agreed to act as an intermediary for any communication you may need to get to me. I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you in this way. You must know the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OW. I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with her. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions. Your affair rips my heart out, and my suffering must be tended to.

As soon as you are willing to have permanently separated from her and are willing to follow certain measures to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing her.

I love you rain, or shine.

With my love,

Indie

Standard no contact letter:
SAA, page 58)

OW,

I want you to know that out of respect and love for my W, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that W did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay her for the pain I have caused, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my wife and I would not want to do anything to risk her happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely,

WH

Thanks guys

Do you think the plan b letter would be effective in the form of a text message instead? The same applies if WH sent a text to end things to the OW? It's just we are not really letter writing people....

Also how long on average do you recommend plan b for? I know the answer is probably until WH does the things requested, but his long is a reasonable amount of time? I'm not gonna wait around forever....

FYI he stayed at his parents last night- hasn't attempted any contact with me. I haven't changed the locks yet but I am at home and have left the key in the lock on the inside of the door so he won't be able to get in.

No - letters are permanent and formal. Show you mean business.

When you later on get tempted to break your Plan B, you will know you don't need to because he physically still HAS that letter - he won't have deleted it in a moment of cockiness 'she doesn't mean it' etc.

Same with NC letter. The average OW is just going to delete it before heading out with her husband hunting harpoon.

Besides you need to have closed all avenues of contact before he receives it. He should get it and not be able to contact you because you've changed your number.

How ready are you for Plan B? What avenues of contact have you closed off?

That's very typical - but he wants to control matters between you.

As soon as you go into Plan B he is going to make a concerted effort to contact you so you need to block him. In every way.