Hmmmm. I'm sure they (and you) meant well but I think it's best that you're out of there.

I think you've had good intent - but your actions don't show it.

See - I think that was a very unappealing set up for her. She's still at home - it may have been a move for you but she will still have felt like a child. You were not committing to her, yet everyone lectures her when she isn't either (it is so unsexy that both you and her parents were telling her off when she is free and single. The disrespectful judgement lovebuster tells us to avoid coming off like a parent).

You were getting room and board, but she still wasn't getting what she wanted. Honestly I think her parents were valuing her quite cheaply if they think she should wait several years for commitment from someone who does not have their own place. Even if you were planning on something great.

Can you get a good lifestyle together that is likely to attract her? A nice place to live, a genuine marriage offer and wooing instead of lecturing?

SHOW her the deal. Not apologising, not a talking shop. Actions not words.




There you go - she wants a genuine proposal next time. Real engagements involve setting a date and BUYING into the relationship. Yours simply involved putting a reserved sign on her - you can't do that indefinitely.

As for the affection complaint - did you stop going out after moving in? Its one of the main problems with cohabitation and simply moving out will help you there.

We still went out and did things, her complaints were more directed towards a lack of affection while at home like snuggling while watching a movie or a quick make out session while in bed. It's not that I ignored these things but they kind of fell through the cracks. We would both get home from work since we both have full time jobs we'd either be exhausted or having to handle our daily routines while raising our child and trying to maintain our hobbies. Not to mention how awkward it was living with her parents and getting away with these things, they're very conventional and open door. Moving into there was probably the worst decision in our relationship, despite everyone's intentions being positive. The decision to move in was largely based on our daughter being born.

Would you say it was around 15 hours UA time? Four four hour dates a week? That's a minimum requirement. Movies and spectator sports don't count as UA. Affection will automatically wane when UA is under target.

If you've been getting UA time in you'll be far ahead of the game here. It will have simply been living together while unmarried that will have created most of the problems. Which you've already resolved by moving out.

Even better if these hobbies mean you have shared interests.

She was also in quite a vulnerable position being in a limbo commitment. Going into work every day wearing an 'I'm getting married' symbol - she will have had a lot of annoying questions about when is the wedding etc. Not to mention attracting the attention of men on the lookout for vulnerable girls.

I know it doesnt seem like progress to live apart and have the ring off her finger, but if I were you I would be encouraged. He probably isn't interested in a full time relationship with a single girl - which is why he is abusing the limbo position she was in.

I'd go full on courtship outside the home, making a visibly attractive life she would be happy to join. If you need her to give up her job she's going to need a very good offer.

I don't know what to advise about your post-exposure stance. Did you call it an affair? Dr H doesn't recommended exposure for unmarried couples at all - however I can see that you would be concerned about sexting dude being around your kid.

It was probably about 10 hours of ua time a week, a little under average but it was there. Everything was fairly well and easy going until this other person stepped into the picture. You're absolutely right about her being in a vulnerable state and this guy acting as the predator. I think I can definitely outlast him but I hope not too much damage has been done. This is day 3 of silent treatment and that's killing me, however now I'm just going to be backing off hanging with my daughter and heading home before she gets off work. Hopefully that's the right way to respond, I've tried talking to her expressing wanting to talk and I get nothing in return. She did make me dinner two days in a row so that's a plus, a quiet quiet dinner... She is also aware that a coworker relationship puts both their jobs at risk and being how I work for the same company(different building) have some say in that. She did come forward and say she's been to his place and kissed him but nothing past that. Maybe exposure should have been avoided but it wasn't a complete exposure only revealing to friends and family. I think I just said she's been seeing another man behind my back in an emotional affair.

I can't see much wrong in a simple statement of the truth to close interested parties. Do avoid calling it an affair though.

Ten hours doesn't cut it. Do you think you can up this to the minimum? Fifteen hours family time should go alongside this.

I would get a proper place to live and start inviting her out on dates.

Yeah, I think I will get a flat so I can date her appropriately and set aside more time for her. Should I get a one or two bed room in case my daughter visits?

This will be a hard recovery. I can promise you that any effort on your part will be met by suspicion ("he doesn't want to marry me, he is just mad I found another guy"). You'll want to pull out all the stops with no expectations for a reasonable amount of time.

I hope you can learn a lot from Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders. You realize now, I hope, how crazy it sounds to want "financial stability" before marrying, despite starting a family four years ago. Many couples star with nothing - commitment is free.

It must be hard, on her part, to have lived daily with someone who didn't value her enough to marry. Good enough mother and roof over his head, but not marry. This mindset MUST change.

Is this truly what you want? Will you honestly commit to her? Be honest. Do you want to marry her because you do? Or is it that you just don't want her to leave?

This predicament came from wanting the milk without buying the cow. Try dating her without expecting sex or other benefits. Show her you love her for HER and not anything else.

Obviously, you can decide whether or not your daughter gets her own room, but don't use it has a reason to invite sleepovers from your fiance.

I had a lot of bad preconceived notions about marriage and family and opted to be a provider instead of a lover. I want to marry her for her and because how she makes me feel when I'm around her. In all honesty if our daughter hadn't of come along(unexpectedly) we'd have been married by now a long time ago, since we were engaged prior to the pregnancy. Considering marriage costs would have been directly on us we postponed it and didn't really reset the arrangements.

I don't know if ages are relevant but I'm 28, she is 26, and the "lover" is 22

uglyorgan, are you listening to the radio show yet? You've only got an hour before the current show vanishes and is replaced with a new show. I strongly suggest that you not miss a show. This is the class you need.

Did you order Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders yet? Did you read the Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders thread yet?

Read the thread, work has been stopping the radio show, and book is in transit.

Here is an older radio show broadcast I suggest you listen to:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=07233
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=07234
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=07235
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=07236
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=07237
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=07238

How are you going to listen to the show? Have you installed the app?

Yep, I downloaded the app on my android.

If I were you I would invite your lady out to help you pick out a new pad. Do it on the pretext that you need her advice on choosing a room for your daughter.

Nothing stopping you from flirtatiously commenting that it would also help if 'she could see herself living there if we got married'.

This would count as UA time.

Great - listening?

Not really.

Worth keeping in mind that her comment about showing affection around the house is on the one hand a really good tip, but on the other not really enough.

Everybody who moves in together expects to get their needs met around the house. Dr H says this rarely happens in reality. Homes are distracting places where it's impossible to give your undivided attention - particularly if you are a parent.

By all means say you're going to become more affectionate in front of the box, but nothing beats someone making really special time for you.

I don't understand how work could be keeping you from listening. The radio show is available on demand. All you need to do is find a total of one hour in your day. The time doesn't even need to be contiguous. Do you commute? I find plenty of time just while I am driving around during the day to easily fit the show in.

I would love to talk with her and invite to look at places, problem is I'm still getting the silent treatment and now she's acting like she's single on social media. This whole ordeal might be over, unless this is common for post exposed WS'.