Hi y'all,

I was hoping for some solid advice about a situation my friend/coworker is in. Quick synopsis:
He has been married for 11 yrs, 3 kids (2,4,7). Apparently, things have been rocky for a little over a year since his wife caught him in an emotional affair with a long time friend of his. I'm pretty sure it didn't turn physical but, I don't really know that for sure. Anyway, fast forward to this past Thanksgiving. His wife went away for a weekend with some friends and came back with the news that she wanted a separation. He reluctantly agreed but, not until after Christmas. In January, he started living at his parents' house and seeing the kids on some evenings and weekends (there isn't a set schedule for when he sees the kids, as far as I know).

He told me about this last week (end of February) and the first thing I told him to do was to get back in the house! He tried that but, his wife got all agitated when he was in the house and threatened to call her father and brother in law (I'm now wondering if she is engaged in an affair. What else would explain how crazy she got?). So, he ended up just leaving. That happened last week and now he thinks she has already filed for divorce and will be serving him with papers soon.

My question is, should he get back in the house like I recommended, or am I off base here? Also, his wife has been mentioning to him and her family that she feels "threatened" when he is around and my friend is afraid he might get slapped with a restraining order if he attempts to move home again. To the best of my knowledge, he has NEVER gotten physical with his wife but, I don't want to tell him to go back there if he will just end up with a retraining order.

I have told him to consult a lawyer but, the lawyer hasn't called him back yet (typical!). What should I tell my friend to do in the mean time?

Thanks everyone.

PS: this is taking place in Massachusetts

She caught him in an affair, so she has every right to end the marriage. He needs to leave her alone. Not sure why you would tell him to try and move back in.

He is damaging his family by trying to get back into the house.

If she's been getting blatantly cheated on for over a year, her mental and physical in health are endangered by his presence.

Of course she feels threatened - what does he wants with her? He has a right to visitation with his kids but he has no right to see her or force his way into her home.

Hopefully she will file for a D soon. If you want to be a good friend, get him to end his affair and accede to his wifes wishes.

That would give him a slim chance at recovery but honestly she doesn't owe him that shot and a year of abuse would be a lot for her to recover from.

I'm worried that his chances to see his kids post divorce will be hurt if he "abandons" his home.

I don't believe he is engaged in the emotional affair anymore.

He abandoned his family to have an A. Divorce and living separately are a consequence of having an A.

Has HIS affair been exposed?

Has HE sent a No Contact Letter to the Other Woman?

If HE is interested in saving HIS Marriage, why isn't HE the one seeking advice instead of his good friend?

His Wife does have the right to feel the marriage is not worth saving after being betrayed by the one person she was supposed to trust in, more than any other person on this planet.

If he is interested in trying to learn how he has Any Chance at saving his marriage, then he should be the one posting and learning what he can attempt to do.

First recommendation is for him to buy the book, "Surviving An Affair", by Dr. Willard Harley.

LTL

That's just what I did. If he'd come back again it would have been the cops and restraining order.

She is not a sitting duck for him to return home to on a whim and abuse the free Wii Fii internet access to his girlfriend.

There are little kids in that house who do not need to be around that.

I would caution you to give advice when you seem to know very little about the situation. You seem to know bits and pieces that he has told you, and ONLY what he has been willing to tell you, which is likely not 100% accurate and obviously not the full story.

For all you know he has been having a long term PA with another woman, and his BW is finally done dealing with it. She has every right to file for divorce if this is the case.

Yes, the affair was exposed to the family and friends (that's how I know about it). He doesn't know about this site even though I plan on telling him about it. I just haven't gotten around to because the situation is getting worse by the hour.

Abandonment is something we warn betrayed husbands to avoid. In your friend's case it doesn't matter because a court will have viewed his affair as the point of abandonment.

He will only make matters worse if he clocks up police reports by harrassing his wife.

Good points. I guess I don't really know the whole story. He could very well be still involved with the OW.

I'm also thinking that she is involved in an affair now which is why she wants him out of the house so suddenly. Shouldn't he take a stand against that?

Well I don't see how you could know that, but he could offer his BW to send the OW a no contact letter and change all his numbers etc.

However if she tells him to stick it in his pipe - who could blame her? She must be a wreck by now.

You have your own marriage to worry about - I wouldn't have thought you'd want this guy near it.

Of course she wants him out of the house! Are you suggesting she wait ANOTHER year for him to be faithful?

Dr H would have told her to do this 3weeks after DDay.

I'm not married anymore.

You know, he is not the victim here. SHE IS. What he did was devastating to his marriage and he cannot expect to get away with no consequences. She had every right to boot him out. She has a right to choose to end the marriage over an affair.

His visitation will be determined by a court of law. He needs to leave this woman alone.

I agree. I'm not trying to present him as the victim. I just don't want him to get steamrolled in the custody battle.

If he wants to save his marriage, he should cut off all contact with his affair partner and do his best to be attractive to his wife. He won't ever get anywhere by being a bully. He wrecked his marriage by pursuing his own selfish interests and he won't help anything by continuing on the path of selfishness.

The only ones who got "steamrolled" here are his victims.