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And if I put everything on the petition, does that just push him further away? Don't understand what this means. What do you mean by everything? Well, she said I could put every detail of everything thing that has happened - the affair is what I took her to mean - or I could just put that we separated on such and such date, and he is supposed to give me this amount of money, but hey it's not quite happening so let's work this out. Is it to your advantage to put in something about the affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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in other words, do you live in a fault state where adultery is taken into account?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hiding the affair seems like a bad idea. You are doing nothing wrong by putting down the truth. My understanding is that my state is a no fault state, so I guess I don't have to give a reason. The affair would fall under "irreconcilable differences" and I can choose to put it in or not and it doesn't change anything legally.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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She also said that if I want to notify WH that I'm filing I should go ahead and do that, because there are lawyers who check for new divorce files daily and contact them to offer to represent them. So if I don't want him to find out from some random person I should go ahead and have my tell him. I am inclined o let him find out however he finds out, from a random person or eventually certified letter from my attorney. Advice? When you file, we can have your sister send him a message giving him a heads up and telling him that you do not want a divorce but am only filing to protect yourself financially. You can let him know also that you would be willing to reconcile if he ended his affair and committed to a program designed to restore the love in your marriage. I will help you write it. This makes good sense to me.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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in other words, do you live in a fault state where adultery is taken into account? What the lawyer actually said was that it's a "quasi no fault state" where the adultery only has potential bearing on spousal support (alimony) but that is the last thing that happens in the finalization of the divorce, and I think we can bring it in later if needed. I will double check that point. It wouldn't affect this initial hearing to get support in place for the time being.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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in other words, do you live in a fault state where adultery is taken into account? What the lawyer actually said was that it's a "quasi no fault state" where the adultery only has potential bearing on spousal support (alimony) but that is the last thing that happens in the finalization of the divorce, and I think we can bring it in later if needed. I will double check that point. It wouldn't affect this initial hearing to get support in place for the time being. I would bring it in now since you have no reason not to. It is just a statement of the truth. It is not being "dirty." If it has baring on alimony [and it does in many states] you should bring it up. No reason not to!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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in other words, do you live in a fault state where adultery is taken into account? What the lawyer actually said was that it's a "quasi no fault state" where the adultery only has potential bearing on spousal support (alimony) but that is the last thing that happens in the finalization of the divorce, and I think we can bring it in later if needed. I will double check that point. It wouldn't affect this initial hearing to get support in place for the time being. I would bring it in now since you have no reason not to. It is just a statement of the truth. It is not being "dirty." If it has baring on alimony [and it does in many states] you should bring it up. No reason not to! I was just reading up on divorce law, and my state is not a true no fault only state. So yes, it can affect the outcome. And I don't see it as playing dirty either. Just not being extra nice, which I have no reason to be. She said some people really want every detail of every wrongdoing listed, and I have to decide how I want to file. I am planning to get the papers to her by the end of the week or beginning of next, so she will be able to file next week.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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My dad wants me to list adultery and abandonment as fault reasons. Since I did not kick him out, he chose to leave.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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[
I was just reading up on divorce law, and my state is not a true no fault only state. So yes, it can affect the outcome. And I don't see it as playing dirty either. Just not being extra nice, which I have no reason to be. Texas is this way too. It is no fault but adultery is taken into account when determining alimony, child support, property division, etc. She said some people really want every detail of every wrongdoing listed, and I have to decide how I want to file. I don't see the point in that, do you? I would only mention that separation was initiated due to his adultery and keep the rest of it very light. I am planning to get the papers to her by the end of the week or beginning of next, so she will be able to file next week. yeah!! I will be thinking about a good letter to send him in the meantime. Be thinking of what you want to say.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My dad wants me to list adultery and abandonment as fault reasons. Since I did not kick him out, he chose to leave. I agree!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[And I don't see it as playing dirty either. Just not being extra nice, which I have no reason to be. I don't think it's "nice" to cover up adultery and abandonment. I consider that enabling, the opposite of nice. And enabling is not in your husband's best interest. It is not in anyone's best interest!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She said some people really want every detail of every wrongdoing listed, and I have to decide how I want to file. I don't see the point in that, do you? I would only mention that separation was initiated due to his adultery and keep the rest of it very light. I don't. I am in the middle of this, though, and you guys have advised me to do some things that I didn't get before and didn't understand until later. I'm just too emotional. I'm trying to be rational but the only way I can really do that right now is to seek advice from trusted sources. I know I'm not thinking straight. I am planning to get the papers to her by the end of the week or beginning of next, so she will be able to file next week. yeah!! I will be thinking about a good letter to send him in the meantime. Be thinking of what you want to say. I'll be honest. What I want to say to him right now is a whole bunch of cuss words. I'm going to need some help.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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[And I don't see it as playing dirty either. Just not being extra nice, which I have no reason to be. I don't think it's "nice" to cover up adultery and abandonment. I consider that enabling, the opposite of nice. And enabling is not in your husband's best interest. It is not in anyone's best interest! You're absolutely right, it's more being a doormat. Just giving him whatever he wants. That's not being nice.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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I live in a fault state but the two attorneys I had consults with told me a person should always bring up fault (if possible - even in a no fault) in the initial petition. The lawyer I retained said that bringing up fault later tends to look like you're now worried about losing your case and want to slingmud...that is what he has observed. He didn't need to convince me but it was helpful to hear that. I can see how it could come across that way.
Plus you will have it in there so if your WH tries to re-write history or lie to your children re: the reason you filed, it is there in black and white.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I live in a fault state but the two attorneys I had consults with told me a person should always bring up fault (if possible even in a no fault) in the initial petition. The lawyer I retained said that bringing up fault later tends to look like you're now worried about losing your case and want to slinging mud...that is what he has observed. He didn't need to convince me but it was helpful to here that. I can see how it could come across that way.
Plus you will have it in there so if your WH tries to re-write history or lie to your children re: the reason you filed, it is there in black and white. Excellent points.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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In thinking about this, I guess including "everything" and coming out "guns blazing" would be listing every detail - like every time he didn't come when he said and the time he took the baby for 4 1/2 hours and brought her home in the same diaper she was wearing when he picked her up. I have all this stuff written down, but do I need to list it out for the court?
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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She said some people really want every detail of every wrongdoing listed, and I have to decide how I want to file. I don't see the point in that, do you? I would only mention that separation was initiated due to his adultery and keep the rest of it very light. Never mind - you already answered that.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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In thinking about this, I guess including "everything" and coming out "guns blazing" would be listing every detail - like every time he didn't come when he said and the time he took the baby for 4 1/2 hours and brought her home in the same diaper she was wearing when he picked her up. I have all this stuff written down, but do I need to list it out for the court? That level of detail is not needed in the Original Petition. It shouldn't be a book. Cite the fault and if you are able to maybe include OW's name as the AP in the Petition and not just the decree. That way she can be identified and specifically named as someone who you do not want having contact with your children...if you are asking for that in Orders.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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In thinking about this, I guess including "everything" and coming out "guns blazing" would be listing every detail - like every time he didn't come when he said and the time he took the baby for 4 1/2 hours and brought her home in the same diaper she was wearing when he picked her up. I have all this stuff written down, but do I need to list it out for the court? That level of detail is not needed in the Original Petition. It shouldn't be a book. Cite the fault and if you are able to maybe include OW's name as the AP in the Petition and not just the decree. That way she can be identified and specifically named as someone who you do not want having contact with your children...if you are asking for that in Orders. That hadn't occurred to me to ask - will the court really grant that?
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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In thinking about this, I guess including "everything" and coming out "guns blazing" would be listing every detail - like every time he didn't come when he said and the time he took the baby for 4 1/2 hours and brought her home in the same diaper she was wearing when he picked her up. I have all this stuff written down, but do I need to list it out for the court? That level of detail is not needed in the Original Petition. It shouldn't be a book. Cite the fault and if you are able to maybe include OW's name as the AP in the Petition and not just the decree. That way she can be identified and specifically named as someone who you do not want having contact with your children...if you are asking for that in Orders. That hadn't occurred to me to ask - will the court really grant that? In my state it is part of a Standard Order during the D process to order both parents not to have overnights with someone of the opposite sex who is not a family member and/or someone who is in a romantic relationship with the parent. I didn't have to request that order...it is automatic where I live. If your state/county doesn't do that then yes you can ask. The worst they can say is no and deny it. However, part of the "best interest of the child" during the D process is not having new bfs/gfs or random sex partners around when the children are present. You can still ask for it post-D too but during the D process, a parent would look sleazy to insist they have overnight guests around their kids so ask.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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