Just an update

He didn't attempt to come back on Sunday night after I sent the text telling him not to. I don't know if he went back to the flat last night but I'm pretty sure he didn't and stayed at his parents as I spoke to his sister- I didn't tell her I was away
He hasn't attempted to call/message me.

I'm thinking of what to put in my plan b letter- which I will get to him on Friday morning when I change the locks.

I think he is playing a game thinking I will give in and contact him - but I wont

I want to keep my plan b letter simple, with the hint that I could consider reconciliation but not committing to it as I feel he is the type of person who if I state that I want to reconcile he will see it as a weakness. So I'm thinking this;

"Just to let you know I have changed the locks so if you need anything from home please ask xxxx to contact me to arrange collection.

Please continue to respect my wishes of no contact, I do not wish to see or speak to you and need time for myself to think without you.
I will consider communication with you again to discuss future arrangements once you can prove that you have ended your affair, have advised your AP that you have in fact lied to her about our situation and made me out to be the crazy wife who won't let you go when that's not the case , you have ended all contact with her and are willing to tell me the full truth

Until then I cannot begin to even think about talking to you as I know too much already that you are denying and I will not continue to be lied to any further.

If you are not willing to take these steps then let me know through xxxx and I will begin legal proceedings for separation"

That's what want to write as that's how I currently feel about the situation. I cannot be bothered for him to attempt to gaslight me any further- I do not have the energy for it, and if he hasn't worked out by now that I'm too smart for his lies and mind games then I think that's the end for me.

I wouldn't put any thought into the 'type of person' he is - because all waywards behave in the same way, are the same type of person - that's why we can use standard letters on them all.

That said, there's nothing wrong with putting it a bit curtly. You as a person who has no children with the guy, I would say are in a hurry and have no reason to tempt him home or give him the usual softly, softly line.

Indeed I think one of our FWH got nothing more than 'do it again and you're out on your ear' or some other body part.

I would take all references to her beliefs about you and him out, because she doesn't matter. She can choose to believe clouds are made of cream cheese if she wants to, the important thing is that he dumps her.

I've taken reference to legalaties out too. Don't threaten that, just do it. Threats really do sound weak.

I would also take out the reference to changing the locks - just ask him to please not come round.

Have his things sent on without asking.

I would also not invite contact. Like 'please tell me if you will not do this'

The aim of Plan B is to block him out. You should try to get as few replies as possible.

Basically the aim is for you to hear crickets unless Plan Recovery is a goer.

If he says 'no' to yourIM or 'I'm thinking about it' or 'I want to talk to her' she shouldn't say anything to you, and she should tell him there is nothing she can pass on as yet.

So it's been a week since I kicked him out and so far he hasn't attempted any contact.....

I spoke to his dad today and he wants OWs phone number to call her and tell her what he thinks of her and that she will never be welcome in his family- shall I give it to him? Or will this just completely turn my WH against me as he will know it was me who gave the number?

Give him the number. If his dad wants to get involved, that's great.

Good job Mary.

Do you have an IM? Did you give him a Plan B letter?

Yes, let his father know.

There is (well, should be) an impact of a father telling his son about his real displeasure.

No thats the whole point of exposure - to ruin her little fantasy of being the chosen (and accepted one).

You shouldn't know that he hasn't attempted contact. Get into a Plan B so dark that you are not aware if he is trying.

Most of the people I have IM'd for are shunned before making contact impossible - then the WS is desperate to get hold of her and regain control. Of course I do not tell her this.

But most importantly, when you don't know if he can contact you or not - you stop caring.

Hi guys,

Yes I have an IM And gave a plan B letter....

I have given his dad the number but he now wants to go to the bank where she works and tell her face to face- in front of all her colleagues! Good- the more shame she feels the better

That is AWESOME.

Fantastic!

Now the real work starts Mary - Plan B. How can you prevent him from breaking into your peaceful fort? How can you prevent hearing any news?

Once you have put strong walls up, it's just a case of putting your feet up and healing.

The first few weeks when adrenaline deserts you can be hard, so see your GP for ADs if you need to.

Thanks guys but my plan b has gone pear shaped!

I came home from work yesterday and he was there- basically there is a way of taking out front door off the hinges and getting in without a key - that's what he did

He was sitting there playing computer , I asked him calmly and politely to leave, numerous times. He refused and was talking to me like everything was normal- my sis just had a baby and he was asking how she was. Well I just completely lost it and went ballistic and done and said all the things I shouldn't have.

I tried to make him talk about the whys, he was doing the stonewalling thing- no real answers just saying "we'll talk don't worry" which raged me even more I was not getting answers. I was going at him so much he then turnt on me and say "it's all your fault why I'm like this, you don't know how to keep your man,you treat me like a c**t"

So that blew me up more. Thing is- I actually do everything for him other than wipe his [censored]. I sort the bills, organize everything around the house- cleaning, Maintenence upkeep. Etc etc remember all his families bdays and go and get the presents, I do the food shopping, I take the car for servicing, I write the cheques to pay his bills, I fill out job applications for him - I am basically his secretary!

Not one acknowledgment of the things I do- just saying I treat him like a c**t - when I questioned him as to how I treat him like a c**t he just kept saying I don't wanna talk about if now. We'll talk soon - he's controlling it all again

I asked if he wants to be married, if he loves me- he said yes. I said well why you still seeing her? He denied said he wasn't.
I told him to get out cos he was still denying he was seeing her - he will not budge on admitting it

Thing is I don't think the exposure has even worked because he still lies, and I know OW is from an Asian family where she is used to keeping boyfriends secret anyway and can't bring them home because she lives with her parents. So sneaking around is the norm for her- it's like their relationship will never be tested in the real world.

I can't take it anymore- shall I just issue divorce papers straight? I honestly think he thinks I'm just gonna stick around and live like this and would not have the guts to seperate.

He finally left at 2am, went to his parents. I said I don't want to see him ever again and there is no point trying to talk things through whilst he is still denying.

I don't know what to do from here.

Other thing is I haven't been able to understand his emotional needs because he won't talk about anything. The only other thing he did say is that I think I'm better than him and make him feel that I'm too good for him.

I never say this to him but the facts are he has no qualifications, has an ok job earning ok money, cannot manage his own finances which is why I take care of the bills, he is not the brightest spark. I have never said these things to him or put him down for it, I just get on and take care if everything because I love him it has never bothered me. I am qualified and have a good job earning almost double than him- I have never compared myself to him but I honestly think this is what he can't take that I appear more successful than him and he feels this makes him look small to people.

OK this isn't terrible. He had to go the lengths of taking out the door to get in and HE broke your Plan B - not you. You talked to him way too much but you told him to go away which is just perfect.

It's still plain he isn't welcome and still plain you won't allow him to cake eat. He may think he can abuse and argue with you occasionally, which must stop.

Have your IM send an email that he is to stay away from your home entirely and you will leave and call the police, showing how he has entered the home if he calls again.

Have your lawyer send a letter saying breaking into the home to become verbally abusive will not be acceptable and could be grounds for a restraining order.

Fix the door so he can't do this again and get a good alarm system. It will freak him out if he sets it off since he won't know the code. Also tell your neighbours to keep an eye out for him.

Then go back to darkness. I think you should either file or get a legal separation but see what your lawyer says.

This is something you could be addressing if he weren't having an affair but since he is its moot.

You are hardly likely to admire somebody who makes a name for himself this way.

So... He isn't seeing her, but just on the off chance you know something, it's because of you he's 'like this'.

Typical fog babble!

I know he is crazy I don't know how he thinks he can continue when he knows I have evidence

He even had the cheek to say he coming to my sisters to see the baby???!!!!! I told him where to go and they will not welcome him but I think he seriously believes they will believe his crap too

In just over 2 weeks we have a mutual friends wedding- invite was accepted by both of us before all this came out. I'm not going with him but I know he will be there- how do I act? There will be many people who will not know and who I don't want to know- distant friends/ relatives who have no input to my life - I don't want to cause a scene at a wedding

I wouldn't go if he is going to be there. It would be like being in the same room as the plague. You won't have fun and the tension will be felt by others too.

If you were really close to this couple they'd have uninvited him. If they are too cowardly, do them a favour, bow out and leave them with the worse choice.

You need to make a real stand that this affair has riven you two so apart he won't see you again - and nor will any enablers.

If you go to a party with him and the enablers, it undermines the seriousness entirely - it just looks like a tiff. A tiff you will get over, and that you will always be a part of their/his social circle.

Not the message you want to send.

when I say mutual friend its a bit more complexed- she is the sister of one of my best friends since childhood- some of my family will be there- but she is also his 2nd cousin, so him and his family will be there. It's a big wedding -300 people, so I was just going to ask the bride to sit us as far away as possible.

It's really complex- we are both from a culture where everyone knows everyone in the community or is in some way related to someone we know etc Thats how we met (we are not related though!)

Mary, it doesn't sound like you are close to them - but even if you were you don't have to go to the wedding to support the marriage.