I wouldn't be too sure of that. Unless he is employed in information security I would bet you could probably snoop on him without too much difficulty if you were careful. The OI forum has lots of great information on how to get started.

Many WSes with IT experience have been snooped on successfully before here.

I'd feel justified separating for any of these:

* My spouse had a traveling job and wouldn't quit
* My spouse won't give me 100% transparency so that I can tell they are honest and not living a secret second life
* My spouse previously had an affair and our marriage has not recovered

The bottom line is what your husband is doing is making you miserable and the pain you feel as a result of his actions is only going to increase. Separation now, early on, gives him a chance to decide to correct the situation in time for you to still feel like staying married to him. It's a kindness to him as well as to you.

Nervous break downs and a husband who won't cooperate are a reason that separation is urgently needed. Unless your husband is willing to stop the traveling job, your nervous break downs are only going to get worse.

There's no question that separation is justified.

Please get a private investigator and get the evidence you need to expose his affair and get the support you need.

Need: As I said before, I know many successful consultants and they stay in 5 star hotels, eat at great restaurants, etc etc. Not one of them prefers it to working near home and near family...NOT A ONE! They ALL get out of it after establishing themselves and get into a better lifestyle. Unless, there is some reason they prefer to be more independent. Your husband is giving you a line of crap and you have bought into it for years. It's time to smarten yourself up. It's my opinion, from your messages, that you have enough evidence right now. the best evidence is your gut. 2. your husband acting somewhat aloof or different. 3. He said he is reconnecting with his father in case you leave him.

You can sit him down, tell him you have concerns and his actions have led you to doubt what he is says. Is he going to get enraged and say you are horrible for questioning his trust? Maybe. But a man who is completely innocent would understand, apologize for giving you such agony, and prove he is trustworthy by handing over all his phone records, or anything else which would prove him to be 100% innocent. A good man would feel horrible to have you worry when he is away on business.

You make some good points wenang.

My husband claims to be completely transparent. I have his passwords and access to his phone. I recently found an email is was exchanging with a guy friend that was inappropriate. When I made a deal of it, he made the comment that he intentionally does not delete stuff so I won't have anything to worry about. He also said "maybe I should start deleting things so you won't be worried". He is a good man, but not good enough to feel horrible because it is clear he is pretty selfish.

So, does any one have suggestions as to how I should tell him once and for all very clearly that he has to come home and stop traveling to save our marriage? No exceptions... Without sounding to demanding...

X2. A faithful man would not be tolerated in this fellowship. He would need to behave very badly, very publicly to keep their 'friendship'.

I'm sorry but he likes it.

WE don't want you to operate on blind faith. We want you to find out the truth. You can't fix a problem is you don't know the facts. There are many, many red flags here that need to explored.


You don't need his permission to tell your daughters or anyone else. You are an adult woman, not a child. Your children need to know the facts if there is an affair.

This won't work at all. You need to hire a PI on the sly and have him tailed. A good PI can get the goods in 2-3 days. You need to be like James Bond and be much more strategic if you want to solve this problem.

YEs, it says you are not using good judgment in your situation. Just staying in a bad marriage where you are neglected is not a good sign, it is a bad sign.

Need, you can't tell anyone what to do. Everyone gets to make their own choices in life.

You get to decide what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship. When you know what you don't want, you know what you do want. You simply tell your H that having a husband who does not travel for work is important to you. Your idea of a marriage is to have someone around to share your life with, not someone who is constantly gone. He gets to decide whether or not he wants to stop traveling. If he does not, then you get to decide whether or not you want to stay in this relationship.

It never works to tell someone what they must do. Even if they do it, it isn't sustainable. They will resent you, and they will eventually lie to you about what they are doing because chances are they will revert to their old behavior.

It took me a long time to realize and accept this premise. Your focus needs to be on you.

You don't confront him, your exposure targets do. He will then come after you, very angry, but you should let him talk himself out, try to appear bored (not hard, it will be a very boring rant about trust).

Then you ask where he is going to stay unless he agrees to a very long checklist ENTHUSIASTICALLY.

His reply won't be enthusiastic and loving enough for your very high standards, probably. He's clearly quite in love with himself. If it is a good response, great. If not, if it's even a tiny bit reluctant, say it's not very impressive and quietly start dialling locksmiths to change the locks.

Your best chances involve drawing a hard line and kicking him out to hit rock bottom.

Saving yourself. You'll be a nervous, haggard wreck, competing with professional mistresses.

But you need your PI evidence first.

Here, Private Investigators

Exactly, he can leave and be a frat boy and have all the girls he wants. You aren't demanding anything.

HE is the one demanding having both. Demanding that he has you too and that you endure it.

It is not demanding to draw boundaries and accept only loving care.

Please stop trying to impress him with how much abuse you can 'endure'. He thinks you're a vegetable.

I am a computer programmer and my wife was able to get a keylogger onto my computer last year without my knowing.

Need, I really hope you will listen to MelodyLane's advice. Do you see that she has been on this forum for over 10 years? Do you see that she has made over 80,000 posts? She has worked with many, many people in your situation, and she has been learning Dr. Harley's materials for years and years. She knows what she is talking about and if you will trust her and follow her expert guidance, she will help you get through this.

I hope you are paying attention to the posts. You came to this forum wanting expert advise and you are getting it.

You need to hire a PI to find out what your husband is up to. Then you need to expose not only this affair but his other affairs. This is so you can get emotional support for yourself and for accountability for your husband.

You need to tell your husband that you no longer can tolerate his traveling job. It's not good for your emotional health to live this way. If he continues to ignore your complaints, Dr. Harley would advise you to separate. Separation is risky but living in a longterm poor marriage is very bad for your health.

What your H doesn't understand is that a great marriage will actually bring him (and you!) great happiness in life - much more happiness than a life of travel and carousing could ever bring. Are you really willing to continue to live this way? This is a very sad lesson for your children to learn about marriage. Marriage isn't about sticking with a spouse no matter how badly he or she treats you. Marriage is about two people who care about and for each other.

Need: Do you have access to his computer? Do you know how to check the history of all the past log ins? You can see if he has any email accounts you don't know about. Also, if the history has been deleted by your saavy husband, that is also a big red flag. Can you check his car when you isn't around? Look for any sign of a 3rd phone or anything suspicious. Check his coat pockets too. If something is up, you're bound to find something. There's usually a slip up, even with the smartest men. Can you look through his wallet? Do you have access to all his credit card statements? Does he have any cards you don't know about? These are some ideas you can do before the PI.

I have to call bull excrement on this thread.

This WH does not have a consulting job.

He spends Sunday through Thursday staying at the same hotel every week. As if it is his second home.

When a WH works in the same town week after week only to come back to his BW on the weekends all he is doing is avoiding commuting (even if the job is to far to come home every day).

Either he moves his family to avoid not being away over nights or he gives up the job.

Thanks to everyone who has offered good advice. I am going move forward with some suggestions this week and see how things play out.

Need, I am very worried about you and hope you're OK.

Please try to eat even if it's only nuts and bites here and there. Nap when you can and rest if you can't sleep.

There's no way this trauma hasn't deeply affected your health.