Have you read the Exposure 101 thread? Are you preparing an exposure plan?

Every one needs to be done and exposure is your priority. Asking OM is a dead end, you'll get far more from exposing him.

The transparency and your snooping measure sound great.

Most of my family knows and his parents at least know, they are offering to help pay for counseling for us. I've talk about it a bit with a friend. Really, our parents are the only people either of us see and talk to regularly. We don't have social lives, no friends that come over or that we go out with. He chats with his coworkers while working with them, but doesn't really talk to them outside of work. OM has his Facebook page set to friends only, can't see any info on him or his friends and family. Husband is an atheist, so there is no pastor there. So I think I've exposed to all the important people other than clarifying things for our daughter? He was pissed when he realized his dad knew, said things weren't going to work out if I was going to pubically make him look bad.

What should the next steps be?

Ok, I think most of the checklist is done.

1. Reveal: We have talked about the affair. He says it was just the pictures and the offers of oral sex. He claims they never met up in person. Without a way to prove or disprove his claims I am left with the options of believe him or not.

2. No contact: I made sure he understood that his relationship with OP could not continue, and he said he understood and was ok with that.

3. Letter: This one hasn't been done yet and I will be breaching the subject tomorrow.

4. Block: He befriended him on Facebook before I discovered any of this. Should I have him close his account? He hasn't locked it down at all, I'm able to hop on his PC and get in his account anytime I want. Same with his emails, everything he locked down he went back and unlocked. He's also offered to make his cell available to me at anytime.

5. Time: How should I handle this, just ask what he's doing everyday? I work 9-2 and he works 4-12. Some days he takes daughter to breakfast before school and then goes to the gym. Those days he leaves around the same time I do. Some days she eats at home and he takes her to school after I have left. While I am at work I can't say for certain what he is up to. He usually naps 11/11:30-2:30 because he works nights. I usually go to sleep before he gets home so I can get a full night of sleep.

6. Money: He doesn't generally hide his pay stubs from me. I can see his activity on our joint account, but I'll have to ask for access to his personal account. We kept that one open because it has overdraft protection. The credit union no longer offers that service so adding me to that account would end the overdraft protection. We turned my personal account into our joint account instead.

7. Leisure time: His days off are weekdays, so we're only apart on those days while I'm at work. But our favorite hobby is gaming so we are usually in the same room playing different games solo. He has suggested taking up a joint hobby like a dancing class.

8. Job: Shouldn't have to change jobs since he doesn't work with OP. We have been talking about moving for awhile, but don't have the money.

9. Overnight separation: I'm the one who spends nights away from home, visiting family and attending conventions when money allows. Guess I'll be visiting my family a lot less often since I'll only be able to go when he is off and can also come or during his work shift.

10. Accountability: He is offering me access to anything I want. And I am checking up on him to make sure I really do have access to all his accounts and devices.

11. Expose: Exposed to our parents, some other family members, one of my friends, and daughter. Put up a Facebook post about it for a few hours, who knows who all saw it before I took it down.

So far all is well. No suspicious activity found. All his internet activity had been about recovering from an affair and breaking his porn habit.

How long should I spy on him? Weeks,months? Any suggestions on counseling? I'm going to see if I can find any of Dr. Harley's books at the library. It's been awhile since I've read his work, but at some point there are plans a and b that I should do right?

Schnln: Your #4 concerning your husband's Facebook account essentially remedies your previous inability to access OM's friend's list. Since your husband is OM's friend on Facebook, and you have full access to your husband's Facebook account, you have access to OM's profile page, friends' list, etc. Go into your husband's Facebook account, click on OM's name, and copy and paste his entire friends' list into a word document in case he or your husband un-friends the other or your husband has a change of heart and changes his password, preventing your access. You can probably figure out OM's family from his interactions on Facebook.

Husband unfriended him on Facebook last month, so I can't do any of that. He wrote the no contact letter and is sending it tonight via email. He also volunteered to take Sunday off so we could go visit my family. Other than this Thanksgiving, he hasn't been round to visit with them in ages. Like maybe once or twice these past few years.

Was Facebook one of the avenues he carried on his affair? If it is, then it needs to be shut down.

He should write the NC letter, but you need to send it. Did he use the NC template from the book SAA?

About the spying, you continue to snoop until you know for a fact that he doesn't have a secret second life.

1. Reveal:

I'd recommend a polygraph. You need to know the conditions which began the affair or if any other affairs. If there are additional OM you need to ensure NC.
.

2. No contact:

Erase FB and all social media since that's how the A began. Put a keylogger on all computers he isn't aware of. Make sure there is no way for your husband to socialize online or for OM to find him.


5. Time:

A huge problem. A healthy marriage struggles with night shifts. You'll never make it through affair recovery.

His work -

He needs another job. He needs to move heaven and earth.


6. Money:

Close all individual accounts and poja funds.


Does he have unrestricted internet access at work?


9. Overnight separation:

You can't continue to travel alone and gave a faithful marriage. You need to go together or not at all.

Exposure sounds very sketchy. Which targets are you avoiding?

You should spy on him indefinitely. Over time it is supposed to get boring.

As for Plan A and B - those are for reluctant spouses, while yours sounds apparently on board. You're in Plan Recovery hopefully.

Do make sure.

Yea, the vast majority of contact was Facebook.

He already emailed the no contact letter, he included me as a recipient so I could see when it was sent. AP responded with an ok, which was forwarded to me. The letter looked pretty similar to the template.

Htm, I really don't trust polygraph. Plenty of innocent people fail them while plenty of guilty people pass them. There is a reason they aren't admissible in a court of law.

I'm hesitant to ask him to delete Facebook since I talk to him on it sometimes while he is working and share things on there with him. But if I must then I must. I'll ask him if he's willing. Key logger is installed and hidden, I check it once a day when he's not here.

He has been pursuing another job for a while now, he just hasn't had any offers so far. He applies to the local assessors office every time they have an opening. And I shared an entry-level job at the hydroelectric dams in Oregon that he's real keen on applying for. We live in Indiana though, so the logistics of getting out there to apply are tricky.

I'll ask him about closing his personal bank account.

He has restricted internet access at work, there are sites he can't visit, but Facebook isn't on the block list.

I can't think of anyone I'm avoiding, have I missed someone? His parents know, my mom and stepdad know, siblings know, some cousins and friends know. I could expose to more family I guess, but does it really matter when we only see and speak to them once a year? What influence can they exert when we won't see or speak to them until Christmas?

I haven't done AP family and friends, not sure how. I don't know who they are or where they live. Husband doesn't even know where AP lives. Not sure it would matter anyway, they have to know he's a mess already. He had at least two relationships over the years while messaging with my husband and he talked about encounters he had with strangers while in these relationships. Even shared a nude pic with him that one of his flings had sent.

In marital situations, plenty of guilty people break down and spill everything just before the polygraph. The key is to be prepared to follow through on it no matter what.

You don't need a polygraph to convince a court though - you just need it to convince you. The fewer questions the more accurate it is. So write a bunch down, asking him to answer all. Then you can phrase a yes/no question based on whether he answered all your questions truthfully. Most of the time the wayward spouse starts to unload more secrets before the polygraph test.

If you've exposed to everyone in your lives I'd say you were done.

What have you done to find OM? Are there other people on FB with his name? Can you see his friends list?

He needs to know THIS BS is more trouble than is worth returning to. Did your H change his email etc?

I would wholeheartedly agree that the value in a polygraph is in the expectation of doing it, and that motivating the person to hopefully come clean totally.

Having taken a number of polygraphs, I can personally attest to failing questions that I was telling the truth on. This was with a person that had whatever the professional certification is that polygraphers get. So take that as one piece of anecdotal evidence.

ETA: Let me just say as a former wayward how sorry I am for your going through this, and I am so glad for you that your husband seems to be doing what he needs to for recovery.