This will likely get long. My apologies but I could really use some help and/or advice.

My husband and I have been married for 4.5 years, 2 beautiful children (2.5 and 8 months) that took us 6 rounds of IVF to have, it was a long road. Things came to a head a few months ago when I was snooping on his life. I was snooping because he works ALL THE TIME. Six days a week and every single night after the kids go to bed. So I see him for part of Sundays and two hours of chaos while we feed and put kids down for the night. I found some inappropriate emails to a work associate. I was devastated. I didn't confront him but he overheard me talking on the phone to a friend about it and was livid. Things escalated and we ended up in counselling. He kept saying in counselling that he didn't want to get into the past, just wanted to deal with the future and tools on how to talk better. Then, his drinking increased, to the point he was hiding alcohol, I talked to his parents and it blew up. We all had a conversation and he lost it. Saying he was in a loveless marriage, I showed him no affection or attention that he was miserable and sick of having to put on a front.

I continued to go to counselling and recognized that I very much want to be married to him, and started implementing I guess what is referred to as Plan A. I said I loved him more, was more affectionate, we had some seriously great sex that I haven't been vulnerable for in a long time, if ever. We had some great conversations where we got real with each other and we had some fun together.

He said he's confused, he's just not sure we can ever be happy again and that he's not sure he wants to stay married. He's been on the fence for months, and needs to clear his head so he's heading to our vacation home next week. I've also gone away with the kids and allowed him to enjoy his life in the hopes that he finds happiness. He's not happy with anything it seems. In this time, he's been spending a lot of time with a new friend, a serial cheater, who's now leaving his wife. His wife asked me out for dinner and inevitably things blew up. She told me she heard like thirdhand that he had a girlfriend, and that she was with him that night so she drove by his house to confirm. He wasn't there, he was actually home by the time she did so I didn't think anything of it. We talked, I didn't admit that she went but I maybe should have because now he feels betrayed again.

So essentially I've just unraveled Plan A by performing a love buster. I was considering plan B when he goes away next week but now I fear it's too late. Is there any saving this?

Oh, this was moved! Can someone explain why?

Oh boy. This is a very foggy, confused post. I am so sorry this has happened to you, but am glad you are here. You are in the right place.

First off, your husband is in an affair. He is not on the fence at all. He is firmly entrenched in an affair and is keeping you around as an option. Leaving to "clear his head" is only an excuse to take the OW on vacation. This friends wife tried to help you and your wayward husband has turned this back on you and bullied you into backing off.

If you are interested in saving your marriage, we can help you. But you have to be willing to follow a very difficult plan and abandon your enabling. You have been enabling him and fueling the affair.. This plan will be your only hope to save this. Right now you are headed to divorce and don't seem to realize it. It is only a matter of time before he leaves you for the OW.

Can you follow a plan?

Yes, because your husband is an AFFAIR.

I can follow a plan, absolutely.

He's not taking the OW on vacation, our vacation home is next to his parents' house, and they will be there. His parents are aware of the OW as are mine and our friends. Although, I have no actual proof and now everything is on lockdown.

Do not admit to any spying. You need to be clever and secretive like James Bond. You should never give your plans to the enemy. [the affair is your enemy right now] But you need to do a more effective job of spying. I would hire a PI. A PI can get the complete goods on your husband in 2 days.

You need to get proof ASAP. I am not sure why you think he can't take the OW on vacation there. He could install her at a local hotel or hide her in the vacation house.

Things are on lockdown because is hiding his affair.

What do you know abtou this OW? If he had an affair, then why is he still in contact?

Then he'll either introduce her to them, or he'll meet up with her somewhere else.

Okay, so I do need more evidence to do a full exposure you think? I read the link in your signature, thank you for posting it. I assume we all think this is the work associate that he's having the affair with?

You tell me who the affair is with. What is your evidence? Did he have an affair with the coworker? Does he still see her at work?

Wings, you are in very good hands with MelodyLane. If you want to maximize your chances of saving your marriage and maximize your chances of recovery, follow her advice closely.

You might want to slap a GPS unit on WH's car before he goes for his "vacation" and find out where he's really going.

Wings, is he an alcoholic?

What did you see in emails to his work associate? What do you know about her?

And why was he livid?

No, no affair, flirtatious emails are all I've seen, sorry, I should have been more clear.

Gotcha. The key is to get evidence of the affair. With that evidence, we can help you bust it up and save your marriage. There are no guarantees, but it is your BEST CHANCE at saving this.

Can you hire a PI?

Speaking from experience, being livid comes directly from shame. There is almost certainly more there than you have discovered that he is ashamed of.

People doing the right thing are not angry.