I just wanted to give an update after the break.

We used to be so afraid of breaks, and we would long to come back to work-school. But this time was so different. We enjoyed the break so much, we spent 20+ UA every week. It is not a task anymore, we really look forward our UA time. We are reading again HNHN and it feels we are reading a new book, we have different perspectives than one year ago. Sitting right now at my desk I feel like a teenager waiting to go to H

Mr Alada is job hunting right now, and is taking online classes for a new exciting B.S.

That is so great!!

It's nice to see how EPs like quitting a job can open up new and better possibilities for people.

Bravo, Alada.

That is fantastic!! Love that UA time.

I don't know if I ever posted this on your thread or not, but I saw you mention it (thank you by the way) on another thread.

Here it is Radio Clip of Alada's Question on Forgiving OW

Thanks BH!!

You're welcome.

I thought of you when I heard this. Not because I think you struggle with wanting to hurt the OW, but that we've talked about forgiving the OW.

I apologize if I'm off base.
Radio Clip on Resentment After an Affair

Thanks for sharing BH.

I think it is right on, the Harleys highlight the importance of following exposure and EP as a way to move on.

thanks again!

You're welcome.

Yes to make the marriage better than before the affair.

I think I'm ready to go into plan B. A lot of things happened last week. We've been doing our UA time as recomended,but H is not on board with POJA at all.Its little things here and there, but last night I found out he is using porn

I was up allnight thinking about what I need to go into plan B.It shouldn't take me too long. I just have a few questions

First, how do I prepare my girls. I know they are going to suffer thru this and I want to make it as smooth. The 5 yr old was not aware of her fathers A,she was 3 then. I'm assuming I need to tell her about the A and then what? I don't want to give the impression that I didn't want to fight for the marriage,but I don't want to badmouth H either.

I though of an IM,I will look into it today.

Do I need to write a plan B letter as well? Our problem is not so much EPs, but rather lack of compromise on his part. How do I make a check list for this? He's not listening to MB radio, and I have continously asked for him to do it. I was thinking of including this on the list, but how can I check he is really listening. Poja is also big problem for him, he is so good at sacrificing, he says he will do poja from now on, but all I have is his word. What can I put on the checklist for him to come back?

Also, how do I act with him right now? I'm disgusted by the porn I saw last night, I don't feel like I have words of admiration, affection or SF for him at all (his top ENs). Do I need to plan A him before he goes?

Are you saying that he doesn't follow POJA because he reluctantly agrees with you?

Or that he does IB?

I'm sorry. Did you confront him about the porn?

Alada, how did you discover the porn? Did he confess or did you find it? Was he willing to eliminate the conditions that allowed him to access the porn?

On the POJA, it may take him a while to learn how to negotiate and to be open and honest about his reactions. My H felt so guilty about his affair that he would willingly agree to just about anything. I didn't want that either. But it took a while for my H to develop the habit of being open about his reactions and negotiate with me for a solution that works for both of us.

I can certainly understand you being extremely upset about the porn. I would be, too. I was so upset that my H slipped up on his EPs and called an employee a term of endearment that I very nearly left him over it. It took some fits and starts to get through the first year and we both made mistakes.

I recommend that you and your H eliminate all the conditions of the porn, if possible. He would need to completely eliminate the use of porn and get rid of the means by which he did so.

This feels like a big setback, I'm sure, but it's not a resumption of the affair. If he's willing to stop the porn, eliminate independent behavior, and learn to use the POJA better, I'd give him a bit more time if you really want to recover your marriage.

I agree with LongWay.

He has to be able to come clean and be honest with you. Habits are difficult to break. It's not that slip ups are okay. They aren't. But they happen. If he is willing to formulate a plan to avoid it in the future, then progress can be made.

I don't think that you can dictate MBR. But you can let hubby know that it is a sign you watch for to see if he is invested in learning how to have a great marriage.

At first it will seem boring and like everything runs together. Try listening with him for a while maybe? Once he gets used to it, he will start to be entertained and interested.

I wouldn't recommend any sort of requirement of listening to MB radio either. The requirements for recovery should be EPs to prevent another affair from happening and working with you to create a marriage that is better than ever. Mistakes will happen along the way, and when they occur, learn from them.

We sit down together when we can throughout the week and listen to MB radio together, usually enjoying a pot of tea.

He is usually more into capitulation. But I do not notice he is capitulating until after the fact. For instance, her (wayward) sister had a birthday party and invited us. I asked him, what was the plan, he said Whatever you want. I made a point of not saying yes or no and just left it like that. I later came back with the same question, I got a "If you do not want to go, we wont", and I asked him, well you want to go right, and he said no, if you do not want to go, we wont go. Next day I asked again, what is the plan, and he reitarated, we wont go. He was absent minded all day long, and in fact we almost got involved in an accident because of it. At night I asked, what happened, he said, he felt bad we didn't go. So I asked, why didn't you tell me you wanted to go. He said he didnt want to bother me.

We've had incidents like this before. And after the fact I say, we could've done x y or z, is not like we have to do what I want. If you say you want something different we can poja.

Yes, I did. He denied everything and he made it look like it was just a pop up window. But with 20+ pages of it, he coudln't hold his lie no more

I'm off to teach, I'll be back later to respond to your other questions

thanks

Thanks for your replies, I see what you are saying. Mistakes are part of the road, but my question is how many mistakes can one take.

H has had many little slips here and there, and we talk about them and try to learn from them. He also had some major slips, like going to the neighbor's (lady) house alone with her and chat for God knows how long. Or talking to another lady about his diabetes. I kindly said to both of them, that he was breaking EPs. He nodded and changed the topic. He feels this is no biggie, both ladies are older and he considers they are no threat, so he doesn't think this is breaking the EPs at all. He doesn need EP with these kind of people.He will agree to stop it, but only does it for a while, two or three weeks and then another slip happens.

I also understand I can not force him to do MBR, I totally get it. I know is extremely hard for him to listen in another language. But I also feel that he is missing on this big oportunity. I am the nagging wife telling him time and time again what bothers me. He feels capitulating will do, because he doesn't know any better. We constantly chat about what I heard on MBR, and I say " You know I can only tell you my perspective on it, you should listen to it". I try my best not to lecture him, just point where the help is. But he finds it very hard and desists.

I feel like I'm pushing jelly uphill (I like this analogy from Indiegirl). I feel I'm not worth his effort. He doesn't have a plan. After I confronted him about the porn, he said, he won't do it again. I asked if he had a plan. No he doesn't. I can give him a plan and help him eliminate the conditions. I can point him to where he can find the plan (Dr. H's article). But, that is the problem, I will be doing the pushing, he will just capitulate one more time.

Would he be willing to post to the forum?

Also, I can't remember...
Is Lovebusters in Spanish?

I don't think so. I have suggested it before, but again, he is not confortable with the language barrier.


No, only HNHN. I have given him articles translated before. Google translator is not great, so I usually do a revision and then give it to him. He will not read them, or even if he does he will forget about them and toss them away.