RR,

I sometimes think with my W the way she still naturally flirts in some cases unaware that she touched some guy in a nice suit on the shoulder, etc, keeps me triggered. When you combine that it seems for OM1, OM2 and OM4 my W was the one who initiated, it makes me feel unsafe with her. I know you wrote awhile back about your W initiating with OM.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma:

You weren't married! It isn't reasonable for you to compare your wive's past boyfriend to actual OMs in real-life affairs. You married your wife knowing full well about these boyfriends. It is disrespectful to those suffering true infidelity for you to try to equate these situations.

It's really not surprising you are triggered by last Valentine's. It hasn't been replaced by a bunch of better Valentine memories and she hasn't affair proofed yet.

How do you feel about getting ADs?

I am just constantly triggered lately, because of dates. I pretty much have everyday of last spring memorized. I know everyday that she texted him. I am just a mess mentally.

I decided a couple weeks ago to go back on AD�s.

I just feel bad for her, because she doesn�t know what is going on in my head. She called me on her way to work this morning, and as she was saying goodbye, she asked if everything was okay. I said �Yeah, everythings is fine�, even though it is not. I feel like I am dying inside. I feel like I am just going through the motions. Right now I am not happy with my life. I feel a lot of hopelessness.

A few years ago, there was a guy that did a sprinkler system job for us, and some other landscaping work, and at the end he tried to rip us off, by not paying for some of the supplies and what not. We eventually got our money, but it took a while, and he was such a liar, and was very decietful. Well the other day we were talking to a neighbor, and my wife mentioned how we had to deal with that guy, and what a slimeball he was. All I could think about while she was talking about this, is that what that guy did, doesn�t hold a candle the the pain and deciet I felt from the woman that swore to love me. While she told the story, I couldn�t help but think of her as the slimeball, and what a hypocryte she is. I am just struggling.

I think many of us BS feel this way. I do have times, days, and words on my mind. The other day I was going over some paperwork and needed to get something I typed the morning of dday. That was a big trigger for sure.

You may need to up your ADs, or do something extremely fun. Can you visit your doctor and ask to up the dose.

Are you on the ADs now?

Yes, I am on AD's again. I went off of them for a couple weeks, and then you guys advised me that it wasn't wise. I have been taking them again for the last couple weeks. It probably wouldn't be a bad idea to up the dosage or something.

Alada, I know that it is just a normal thing that BS's go through. I am just smack dab in the middle of a whole bunch of key dates. I don't even want to know what the anniversary of Dday will bring. My Dday, was on the 5th of May last year, so Cinco de Mayo, will forever be a grim reminder.

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling "hopeless" right now, but am glad you decided to go back on the AD. It always takes a while to kick in, so hang in there.

I understand how you are feeling. My FWH continues to talk all high and mighty about politicians and how they lie, cheat and can't be trusted. It drives me crazy! It feels as if there is a disconnect that he can't see that he has been guilty of the very same thing. When he does this it makes me feel that he believes a marriage is somehow less important than politics, or dealing with others when it comes to honesty, trustworthiness, etc...

Anyway, this discussion just happend the other day, and I felt the same as you do. I just wanted to do a real DJ and point this out to my H to let him know how his obliviousness to my feelings hurt, but I had to bite my tongue. I have planned instead to just point out to him that this kind of discussion is a LB for me and try to leave it at that w/out any DJing. I know it is hard. I'm sure The vets here will be able to guide you on how to handle your particular situation and your feelings about it.

Lightwalker, thanks for your reply. That pretty much is exactly what I go through. Luckily I was able to keep myself from making any sort of DJ to my wife. I just bit my tongue. I know that over time, I will get better at dealing with these situations. I just run into roadblocks, that stop my progress.

Part of the reason I am struggling and being triggered so much lately, is because it is my personallity to reflect and reminice on things of the past. I have always taken lots of pictures and video of our kids, and me and the kids love to throw in �Old Family videos�, on a Sunday afternoon, and laugh at how things were years ago. Now all of that is tainted. The few times I have watched old videos like that lately, all I can think about is What the hell went wrong???

I was a good husband, and father, and I was completely blindsided by this whole deal. I just look at the world a lot different now. I can�t believe how evil the world can be. The person I loved and trusted more than anyone else in the world, was able to lie right to my face over and over again. How can I ever trust anyone again?

[quote=Roughrock18




Part of the reason I am struggling and being triggered so much lately, is because it is my personallity to reflect and reminice on things of the past. I have always taken lots of pictures and video of our kids, and me and the kids love to throw in �Old Family videos�, on a Sunday afternoon, and laugh at how things were years ago. Now all of that is tainted. The few times I have watched old videos like that lately, all I can think about is What the hell went wrong???

I was a good husband, and father, and I was completely blindsided by this whole deal. I just look at the world a lot different now. I can�t believe how evil the world can be. The person I loved and trusted more than anyone else in the world, was able to lie right to my face over and over again. How can I ever trust anyone again? [/quote]

RR,

If watching the videos is a trigger for you, can you avoid watching them for now? I understand how the memories seem tainted for you now. As Dr. H and posters here point out, it's important to create newer, happier memories. Could you and your children be making some new videos rather than watching those older ones? In time perhaps the videos won't be so hurtful to watch.

Also I'm wondering if some of that reflection and reminicing you mention might actually be rumination? Ruminating is often connnected with depression. Some AD meds might be more effective than others in treating that problem.

As we know, we can be good parents, good spouses and still be betrayed by those who have vowed to love and honor us. When my FWH was on his rant about the dishonest, untrustworthy politicians, he commented that I am the only one he feels he can trust. And I was thinking, well, wouldn't it be nice to have the luxury he has in having had a spouse he can trust...It didn't seem fair, but then of course life isn't. So it's probably best to just accept that unfairness and keep trying to move forward and do the right thing in spite of it.

And yes, the world can certainly feel cruel. When I get into that kind of depressed thinking I try to turn those thoughts around and focus on the good people and things that are happening in the world. I think of these volunteers on this forum who kindly offer their time and wisdom. Another good source when I'm in a funk is Tedtalks.com. There are some very interesting, inspiring talks given about a variety of things by people who are doing good and amazing work in the world. Do you have some way to change the course of your thoughts when you begin to feel so overwhelmed?

I believe Dr H when he says that even after an A, If his plan is followed, trusting again is possible...stay the course. You have found people who are knowledgable and can help you here.

I could have written these words myself. I can tell you that at 3 years into R and 4 years from dday, things are still difficult at times.

Many of us have experienced symptoms of PTSD. Have you looked into this much? Very interesting to read how it effects the human brain.

Dr. Harley states that it typically takes 2-5 years to fully recover from an A. Personally, I am probably closer to being on the 5 year track.

I have kept the analogy of 'how do you eat an elephant?' in the front of my mind. You do it "one bite at a time". Oddly, this helps me keep things in proportion when I have low days.
By tackling 1 problem at a time as they arise, I don't feel quite as overwhelmed by the entire situation.

R is an absolute rollercoaster. Many, Many highs and lows. I choose to really not talk about the past much at all (at least the last 5 years) and have almost closed them out of my mind.

I have 2 parts of my life: Pre-A and Post-A. I choose to focus on the now and have left the past in the past. Maybe sometime when enough time has passed, I will be comfortable thinking more of the past but not now.

Hang in there friend you can do it. I can relate to nearly everything you have written and can encourage you to know that there ARE better days to come. It is possible!

20Year, and Lightwalker. Thanks for your comments. I am glad I am able to express what I am going through to others who have faced the same challenges. I really appreciate the members of this forum, and like lightwalker mentioned, it is an example that there are good people out there, that have empathy, and really do care about the well being of others.

My life really is a roller coaster. I have really good days, and really dark days. I need to do as 20year mentioned, and try to view my life in two parts. Pre A, and Post A. Thanks again for the encouragement.

The real reason you are struggling is because she will not affair proof your marriage.

If your ADs do not start working soon, see your doctor about adjusting them.

Roughrock, I used to have a lot of similar feelings when I would reminisce about the past and look at mementos. Our early years of marriage were mixed joy and sorrow, and eventually almost completely sorrow.

But I can tell you that now when I look back I don't feel that pain any more. The present is happy and the past is just a memory of a time when Prisca and I did not know how to care for each other.

Prisca, I feel much better today. I just have to weather the storms as they come. I am going to stay on the AD�s at least until the summer, because I know I will struggle around the 1 year mark of Dday.

You mentioned that I am struggling because she has not affair proofed our marriage. I agree with this in the thought that I still do not feel safe. I have been able to talk about things that bother me more openly lately, without her getting upset. Also, she will tell me about things that happen. For example, yesterday she had to run by Walmart on her way home from work, and while she was in line, she was texting our daughter. She still has a basic phone with a slide out keyboard, and the guy behind her in line said �What is that thing? I haven�t seen a phone like that in a long time.� She said after he said that, he just kept trying to talk to her, like he was just trying to break the ice with his first comment. I told her that he was just looking for an excuse to talk to you, because you are a gorgeous woman. I told her that she just needs to ignore a guy like that, and not carry on the conversation at all. She agreed, and it was not a problem that I brought that complaint up, so that seemed like a good thing.

I feel like she is making an effort to avoid conversations with members of the opposite sex, but I get the feeling that she does it only to make me happy, and not because she sees the wisdom in it. I think she still is under the illusion of thinking that she can control situations, and won�t let anything get out of hand. She doesn�t see that the best thing is just to avoid interacting with members of the opposite sex. It is kind of like someone who is trying to quit smoking, and they feel like they still need to carry around a pack of cigarettes, even though their intention is not to smoke them. It is best to just avoid cigarettes all together, if you really want to change.

Thanks Markos, it is things like this that give me hope, that in a few years this will all just be like a bad dream. I do understand, that sometimes in life the only way to experience real joy, is to go through times of sorrow and pain. If my joy could someday compare at all to the sorrow I have felt, then that would be true happiness.

Perfectly OK!

As long as she sees the wisdom in not hurting you that's totally cool.

The whole point of PoJA is so that one person's insight becomes the others habit.

So, my wife emailed me,and asked me why I seemed distant yesterday, so I typed up this long reply of things I am haunted by. Then I thought better of it, and instead of sending it, I just replied that I was just having a bad day. I figure it is better to get it off my chest on here, than in an email to her.

Here is the reply that I typed up, but did not send:

I am haunted daily thinking that all it will take is me saying the wrong thing, for you to have an excuse to contact him again. Then later you can say that I was being difficult, and that I drove you to do it. You could be emailing him all day long, and I would never know. I am sure your reply to that would be �I would never do that to you�, which means nothing to me, because that is exactly what you told me a year ago when I asked you if you were still talking to him.


I am haunted daily wondering if I am good enough, or funny enough, or entertaining enough for you. Obviously I am not as fun to talk to as him. You would just sit there and soak in everything he had to say, like he is this knowledgeable guy, but you could care less about the knowledge I have. You aren�t interested in learning anything from me. I never feel like I will be �Mentally Stimulating enough��.


I am haunted daily thinking that the only thing that kept you from having sex with him, is he was worried about his job. The way you were throwing yourself at him, and talking about having a nap at his place, I am sure that in no time at all he would have had his way with you, and you would have been left saying �I never meant for it to go that far� �.�I thought I would be strong enough�. I am haunted because I feel like you were already on a crash course for disaster, and by some miracle I found out before it got that far. I feel so vulnerable as a husband thinking that you would throw everything away all in the name of �I never meant for this to happen� �..I just feel like if he would have said the right things, you would have jumped right into his arms. I am damaged as a husband. I feel vulnerable and broken.

RR, you're thinking about the past. Changing my mindset is about the most difficult thing that I've ever done in my life...but whenever I focus on the past, it only (re)hurts ME. And our marriage. Because then I tend to operate from a point of resentment...and THEN I have to fight to not love bust. Again. Round and round I'd go.

So truly it turns out being "easier" to JUST STOP thinking about the past!

How about just answering your wife that you're feeling a bit blue and what you'd really love is for the two of you to go out on a fun date tonight?

What would YOU like to do for UA time together?

How is your UA time by the way?