Trying to compete, instead of running him off is bartering. Getting weepy instead of running him off is needy and demanding ( but without exposure, inevitable)

That is a good idea to call her first and THEN expose to his Facebook friends.


Sounds good! I would be sure and use the talking points on my exposure thread. You are not exposing to be mean or vengeful, but to get their support for your marriage.

Do you plan on telling your own parents?


Plan A is a) exposure and b) making a commitment to meet her needs if she will end her affair and avoiding love busters. All of your efforts to meet her needs will be of very little effect as long as she is in contact with the OM. This is why exposure should be done right away.

The sooner you get this out of the way, the sooner you can start working on your marriage.

Have you read my exposure thread about what happens AFTER you expose? Do you know what to expect? Do you know your next steps? Running off the OM is only the first step in recovery.

Plan A does no good before exposure. My WW demanded a divorce and I unknowingly did plan A for 2 weeks before I discovered her affair after finding MB. Every drastic change I made to be a better husband only made her angry at the time. She had multiple excuses for why my change meant nothing. Almost every evening I would get her to talk with me about ways to save our marriage and the next day she would be completely against it again. OM was coaching her against me. Her life with me, no matter how much better I became, could never hold a candle to the fantasy future she saw with OM. Exposure made her very angry but it made me feel much stronger. I wasn't able to hold myself back from exposing after only knowing for a few days. I had enough evidence that I knew there was an affair and I stood my ground against her lies and gas-lighting about it only being a friendship.

Your marriage is under attack. Not a direct and obvious attack but a sneaky and deceitful attack. Either one is evil and must be exposed for what it is. Good can not bargain with evil over a timeline. Any compromise between the two is no compromise at all; it is a victory for evil. You can't sacrifice time to the affair (evil) in order to make yourself look good. No matter how much better you think you might appear, if the affair is still active you will continue to look weak.

The only perfect time to expose an affair is as soon as possible.

Hi All,

I'm exposing today. Yes I'm scared, but I need to get this over and rebuild my marriage. I'm starting with OM's wife, then OM, wife's family, etc.
Yes, I was a bit confused regarding Plan A; I thought I needed to create a contrast between me and him before exposure, but I see it was a silly idea.
When she asks how I got my evidence, I don't want to declare my keylogger-- I'll want to monitor progress over time. I think I can explain how I got my evidence (sometimes she does forget to log out of FB). But should I come clean about it? In case it blows up in my face later while we're making progress? When do you stop snooping??

I'd like to thank everyone for the guidance and courage you've given me. Truly appreciated.

When she asks you how you got your evidence, refuse to be allowed to be drawn into that discussion. Just say " Never mind how - I know everything and I expect you to be completely truthful about ALL of it Without trying to figure out how much I know."

If she rebounds with how awful exposure is and she can't trust you to be honest with you (yada yada) just say that people care too much about her to stand by and let her do this alone.

Later on you would expect her to be voluntarily transparent.

But you would still snoop anyway.

And, EXPECT a lot of vile things thrown towards you from your WW.

Waywards say the most horrible scary things to their betrayed after the exposure.


Don't blink when facing that.

"I was going to recover with you but you can forget it now!" She will say...


Um no you weren't!

(Dont say that)

NEVER stop snooping. And never tell her your resources. Just assure her that you have good reason to snoop and will never reveal your sources.

You are very welcome! And I applaud you for overcoming your fear. The difference between those who make it and those who don't is the ability to overcome fear [we all have it!!] and the ability to follow a plan. We were ALL afraid.

You're very welcome.

There's no guarantees in this situation but you've made the best move you can to save your marriage, and from here forward you will feel stronger because you've taken a stand!

Good Luck Mac! Fight the good fight.

Alright. So exposure was delayed by a day. I couldn't get a hold of OM's wife yesterday, and I wanted to talk to her first. We talked this afternoon, it took her by surprise but in the end she wasn't entirely surprised. We had a good chat and it truly made me feel better and stronger. She admitted he wasn't a prize catch and she's frustrated, but he's the father of her kids and she wants to keep him. At first I was afraid that she was talking herself into throwing his sorry [censored] out, and that would have left him free to pursue my wife. We talked again tonight and she's had a chance to think things through. Very much to her credit she's a mighty fan of exposure, and she's just about to meet him and his family for dinner where she's exposing. I should have called this woman sooner! Between our calls, she had a chance to talk to some of her friends and her mother, she's found her strength and going in for the kill. Great. In the meantime, my wife is in bed, avoiding me. She's monitoring her Facebook (I can see when she's on and off...), and she'll probably find out from him that the jig is up. So in an hour or so I expect to see her in the living room... where I'll be watching a movie. I'm about to release my emails to her family, so by later tonight or sometime tomorrow morning the crap storm will begin. Wish me luck!

Mac

Good luck!

Be prepared with stock answers after she finds out and She Says that she can not ever trust YOU again after what YOU did to her.

Kindly keep the responses short and tell her that you are very willing to continue working on your marriage and meeting her needs once she ends her affair.

LTL

How old are your children? Are they on your exposure list?

Remember to not apologize for exposure. Adultery is wrong, the truth is not.

Hi all,

My kids are 7, 5 and (3, birthday was today). I am most definitely not exposing to them. This will be kept from them for as long as possible, forever if we can.

So about a minute after I wrote my last post, the phone rang. It was from OM's area code. No response when I answered. 10min later phone rang again and this time he talked to me. He was very awkward at first, but got into it afterwards. He told me, so you talked to my wife today? Said yes, I guess you've been talking to mine for the last 2 weeks. He was very calm, but indignant that I would call his wife before calling him. He couldn't understand. I guess, I get his point. But since I had asked my wife to stop her relationship with him, and she relayed everything to him, I felt like he should have gotten the message that I wasn't happy with him talking to her, so why would I need to call him? It seems like he thought there was a "bro code" where I should have given him a heads up. Now he's pissed he's in the same situation as me. Oh, oh. Not so my friend-- I didn't have an affair. My wife and I fell out of love, temporarily I hope. But you went behind your wife's back, so that's why she's pissed. Sorry I didn't spare you the hardship, buddy. (insert a string of swear words) He calmness both impressed me and frightened me. But I remained strong and positive, both for me and for him. His wife wants to work things out with him, so that's good for him. But she's got a lot of work on her hands from what she told me. I'd love for her to talk to my wife about the prize they're fighting for!! The stuff she told me would instantly turn off my wife--of course they'd have to go through that teenaged fantasy honeymoon, but then it would turn sour. His wife confronted him in front of his family, so I didn't send them anything. I don't think there's a point anymore. Unfortunately, she decided to do it in front of their kids (maybe 7 and 4 ish), according to him. She had told me that she wanted to spare them from all this unhappiness, so I'm hoping he was exaggerating and they were somewhere in the house. Her plan was to expose in front of family and let him sleep at his parent's house. She's taking this seriously, but I hope that she'll throw him a bone, because I want them to stay married!!! Don't need him single.

I've exposed to her family. Waiting to see if they contact me, or contact her first. I wasn't sure how much she had told her family and if they'd support her leaving me. When she spoke to her parents last, I asked her if she told them, she said not everything but that they knew she was unhappy. At the time, it had given me hope, that perhaps she would consider working on our marriage. But things heated up with OM, and I lost that hope. Today she called them again and through her we exchanged hellos. Then her father said that he was looking forward to me barbecuing him a good steak when we got back. She didn't even wait for my answer to him. I knew that I was about to expose, and it made me feel good. They like me, although they'll always support their daughter, I think they'll support me too. They'll be a voice of reason and push her towards reconciliation, counselling, etc. Her sister, with whom I get along great, went through a divorce a couple years ago because of an affair. Her husband wasn't a great man, she wanted out. Someone caught him cheating and told her, she left immediately. Later she dated an old high school boyfriend, and it was perfect for about a year. Made her feel young and happy. I wasn't sure what kind of support she'd be. Also, she slept with this same OM after my wife and him broke up. So I was hoping that would be an issue for every one. Anyways, she just announced to my wife yesterday that she broke up with her boyfriend. The fantasy ended, he had too many issues, she couldn't deal with it.

Things are looking up. But now seems that my wife is up too... so I'm about to face the music....

Have you read and listened to the clips in here?
Exposing to Children