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She's monitoring her Facebook (I can see when she's on and off...), and she'll probably find out from him that the jig is up. So in an hour or so I expect to see her in the living room... where I'll be watching a movie. I'm about to release my emails to her family, so by later tonight or sometime tomorrow morning the crap storm will begin. Wish me luck! Good job, Mac! Now, finish up your exposures right away. Don't drag it out. Just get it all done.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My in-laws and sister-in-law responded with their full support. Turns out OM had hit on my sister-in-law a couple of months ago. Can't wait until she tells that little tale.
My wife hasn't come out of her room. She's the only one I haven't confronted-- but she's fully aware what's happened. I'm not seeking her out, we'll face it in the morning.
I checked her emails and he's sent her panicked emails: "my wife snapped at me, what do I do now?". My wife offered her apologies for me hurting his marriage! That I must have thought it would help my chances, but that's it, hurting him was the last straw, now she's done!! What?! She wasn't done before?? She was just joking this whole time!! My lord, this will be fascinating, mortifying, and exhausting.
I feel much, much better.
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Hi all,
My kids are 7, 5 and (3, birthday was today). I am most definitely not exposing to them. This will be kept from them for as long as possible, forever if we can. I agree the 3 year old should not be told, but you must tell the older children. Don't lie to your children about the source of tension in their home. That hurts them, you and your wife. This is critical information about their own family. Not telling them only causes confusion and kids tend to blame themselves when they do not have the facts. Dr. Harley on telling the children: The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults. Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
___________________________________
A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery. The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight. Q. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
A. Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse). My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Did you tell her parents?? I can't tell from reading your post. Did you expose to her family?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Could you answer these questions?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I checked her emails and he's sent her panicked emails: "my wife snapped at me, what do I do now?". My wife offered her apologies for me hurting his marriage! That I must have thought it would help my chances, but that's it, hurting him was the last straw, now she's done!! What?! She wasn't done before?? She was just joking this whole time!! My lord, this will be fascinating, mortifying, and exhausting. I would address this immediately by calling his wife and HIM telling him to never contact her again. I don't think he is taking you seriously. Did you expose the affair to his Facebook contacts as we discussed? You are going to have to do a serious exposure to run this guy off. Otherwise he is going to run you right over.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I checked her emails and he's sent her panicked emails: "my wife snapped at me, what do I do now?". My wife offered her apologies for me hurting his marriage! That I must have thought it would help my chances, but that's it, hurting him was the last straw, now she's done!! What?! She wasn't done before?? She was just joking this whole time!! My lord, this will be fascinating, mortifying, and exhausting. I would address this immediately by calling his wife and HIM telling him to never contact her again. I don't think he is taking you seriously. Did you expose the affair to his Facebook contacts as we discussed? You are going to have to do a serious exposure to run this guy off. Otherwise he is going to run you right over. Yes send all the information to OMBW so she can see he isn't serious about NC with your WW.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I'm not sure if you'll hear the same trash that my WW gave me but, she has told me many times that she can't forgive me for what I DID to her OM!(never mind his affair with a married woman while he was married). I would be prepared to have a lot of guilt thrown at you for exposure. The true guilt is in the affair though (I'm sure you know that).
Good job exposing.
BH 31
Married 5 years
D day-10/8/14
Separated-10/27/14
1 DS3
1 DSS13
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You have made a good choice to expose but hold on for the onslaught of threats directed at you to shut you up.
It is text book and you should expect it.
BTW, your kids do know something has been up (they have known since your wife began crossing lines.....they sensed a change then).
Though we don't want to see our children in pain, truth creates future trust and understanding for them. It does suck, for sure.
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Answering questions:
1. I've read/listened to clips about exposure to children. Will work through that one.
2. I have exposed to her parents, sister, and brother. Parents and sister have responded to me, very positive. They will support me through it all.
3. I haven't exposed to all his FB friend list, it's huge. His parents and only sibling were exposed, and unfortunately (I find) so were his kids.
4. He called me, indignant that I contacted HIS wife, and I made it clear that he needed to stop contact and why. He knows I'm serious, there would have been no mistaking what I said.
5. I'm still in email contact with his wife, so we're comparing notes here. I didn't expect him to stop contacting my wife right away, so I'm not panicking. He is.
6. Turns out that he hit on my wife's sister a couple months ago, and once she tells my wife, I'm sure the bubble will further burst.
7. Yes, I'm expecting them to believe they're the victims, they're certainly shaping the narrative that way. His wife won't let him, she's a spitfire-- I'm not sure what his family thinks or how much they will support him or his wife.
8. My wife's family won't let her continue with that relationship. They are not a fan of OM, and that will make my wife reconsider very seriously.
9. If things degenerate, I'll expose to his FB friends. But right now, his wife is doing a great job raking him over the coals-- she's already told friends, and soon word will spread around his circles.
In the end, their relationship will end. Yes, they'll bond over this for a short while. But it will fizzle out. Now I need to reclaim my wife's love. That's the hard part.
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2. I have exposed to her parents, sister, and brother. Parents and sister have responded to me, very positive. They will support me through it all. This is good. Will they CALL your wife and ask her to end her affair? 3. I haven't exposed to all his FB friend list, it's huge. His parents and only sibling were exposed, and unfortunately (I find) so were his kids. This is a HUGE MISS. As you can see, you have not run him off!! He is still contacting your wife! You don't have to expose to his entire list, but you should expose to his family and married friends. Have you PERSONALLY SPOKEN TO his parents and siblings? . He called me, indignant that I contacted HIS wife, and I made it clear that he needed to stop contact and why. He knows I'm serious, there would have been no mistaking what I said. HE DOES NOT KNOW YOU ARE SERIOUS. He has already contacted your wife again!! He should hear from you every time he resumes contact. His wife should be informed. 5. I'm still in email contact with his wife, so we're comparing notes here. I didn't expect him to stop contacting my wife right away, so I'm not panicking. He is. You need to take care of this NOW. The fact that he is still pursuing his affair with your wife indicates he is not taking you seriously. 6. Turns out that he hit on my wife's sister a couple months ago, and once she tells my wife, I'm sure the bubble will further burst. YOU can tell your wife tonight. 7. Yes, I'm expecting them to believe they're the victims, they're certainly shaping the narrative that way. His wife won't let him, she's a spitfire-- I'm not sure what his family thinks or how much they will support him or his wife. This is why it is so critical that YOU contact them yourself. 8. My wife's family won't let her continue with that relationship. They are not a fan of OM, and that will make my wife reconsider very seriously. HE HAS CONTINUED TO CONTACT HER so it makes no sense to say his wife's family won't allow this. Why won't YOU, HER HUSBAND, NOT ALLOW HER TO CONTINUE THE AFFAIR?? Isn't that your job? 9. If things degenerate, I'll expose to his FB friends. But right now, his wife is doing a great job raking him over the coals-- she's already told friends, and soon word will spread around his circles. You don't understand. You cannot afford to do a half assed exposure. This is all supposed to be done NOW, not later. The KEY to a successful exposure is the tsunami effect. We have explained to you that a trickle exposure is weak and ineffective. In the end, their relationship will end. Yes, they'll bond over this for a short while. But it will fizzle out. Now I need to reclaim my wife's love. That's the hard part. Their affair has NOT ENDED because you are not done with your exposure. Sir, you need to buck up NOW and finish your exposures. This will backfire on you if you don't. Half measures will avail you nothing.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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8. My wife's family won't let her continue with that relationship. They are not a fan of OM, and that will make my wife reconsider very seriously. Don't expect your inlaws to do your job FOR YOU. This is your job to kill this affair. You cannot afford half measures. Finish your exposures and run this guy OFF while you still have the CHANCE. This guy is BRAZEN enough to call you to chastise you and then contact your wife afterwards. You need to have MORE BALLS than him in the defense of your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yeah, I agree with Melody....this dude is pretty brazen. I talked to OM in my case only once (in person) and he acted like he'd seen a ghost. NEVER heard from him afterwords.
I want you to remember something. You and OM are not on the same playing field. You are NOT made out of the same material. He is a weak-minded philandering piece of crap and you are a man rightfully defending your marriage. There is no need to consider who's put who in what position...this man is so far BENEATH you to be trifling with a married woman, that whatever he says to equivocate your positions should be IMMEDIATELY and FORCEFULLY interrupted and refuted in any conversation with him. If he starts going there I would not hear one second of that bullcrap. I'm talking "drill sergeant on a very bad day" response to that. If he thinks he can pull that on you, he has no idea that you are serious yet. He needs to understand that any contact with you is barking up the worst possible tree.
Your wife is going to apologize for your actions, bank on that. That is the song of every WW who gets busted, I've seen it play out here too many times. Just like face1 said. It will deepen the feeling of betrayal, and it really sucks. I know what you're going through there.
Only advice I can offer is to channel that feeling into determination. You are in the thick of this battle now. Glad to see you are already feeling better. I bet you feel stronger now too.
Keep pushing, particularly in hitting OM's exposure targets. You need to make his life hell for a while.
Don't be surprised if your wife tries to turn the tables on you with her family. Be prepared for her to lie to them and try to discredit you. Get your facts together, be prepared to lay them out if needed, and stick to your guns.
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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Given the circumstances, I think it's naive for anyone to think that after exposure (of any kind) he would have completed stopped talking to my wife. They have known each other for close to 20 years, and have told each other the ol' "love you". It's silly to think that immediately after he was exposed that he would be too scared to contact her to say that his world was crashing down on him. If you think that a much broader exposure would have achieved different results-- you're crazy!! Who knows who would have challenged him about it, and it wouldn't have been right away.
Initially I suspect he wanted to talk to my wife on the phone not me, but since I answered and wouldn't hand over the phone he was forced to talk to me. Yes, very brazen, but that fits his profile-- kind of guy that can reason through anything. He wasn't prepared I think for that talk.
Also, I'm not expecting my in-laws to do my job. I'm expecting them to back up what I have to say and hear reason from someone other than me (she won't listen to reason from me right now). Yes, they'll call her.
The other source of confusion is the fact that my wife had told me she was done with our marriage. In their minds, they didn't wrong me. I have no stakes in this. That was the crux of his discussion with me-- she told me it was over... don't blame me, why did you tell my wife?
I'll contact him and tell him to stop contact and will do so anytime they talk.
My wife is completely ignoring this issue. This morning she acted as if nothing happened. When I brought it up, she told me that it was my decision and she had nothing to say. I told her again that I did it because I loved her and wanted to work on our marriage, not for revenge or hatred. Nothing else, topic was dropped. She left for errands, asked if I needed anything, just normal life.
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It's naive and silly to believe that your exposure effectively scared this OM off. But I don't expect you to know that because you have no experience with this. I wish you the best...
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Given the circumstances, I think it's naive for anyone to think that after exposure (of any kind) he would have completed stopped talking to my wife. They have known each other for close to 20 years, and have told each other the ol' "love you". It's silly to think that immediately after he was exposed that he would be too scared to contact her to say that his world was crashing down on him. If you think that a much broader exposure would have achieved different results-- you're crazy!! Who knows who would have challenged him about it, and it wouldn't have been right away.
Initially I suspect he wanted to talk to my wife on the phone not me, but since I answered and wouldn't hand over the phone he was forced to talk to me. Yes, very brazen, but that fits his profile-- kind of guy that can reason through anything. He wasn't prepared I think for that talk.
Also, I'm not expecting my in-laws to do my job. I'm expecting them to back up what I have to say and hear reason from someone other than me (she won't listen to reason from me right now). Yes, they'll call her.
The other source of confusion is the fact that my wife had told me she was done with our marriage. In their minds, they didn't wrong me. I have no stakes in this. That was the crux of his discussion with me-- she told me it was over... don't blame me, why did you tell my wife?
I'll contact him and tell him to stop contact and will do so anytime they talk.
My wife is completely ignoring this issue. This morning she acted as if nothing happened. When I brought it up, she told me that it was my decision and she had nothing to say. I told her again that I did it because I loved her and wanted to work on our marriage, not for revenge or hatred. Nothing else, topic was dropped. She left for errands, asked if I needed anything, just normal life. You told the OM once already to back off. Any more is a waste of time. The OM was not run off the first time you two talked. You repeating yourself will only make the OM see you as weak and will continue to contact your WW. You need to re-expose the affair to the OMW every time OM breaks NC. This is because the OM needs to face painful consequences every time he tries to continue his affair. You have done a half exposure. You need to bring about more consequences for the OM. Sunday morning your job is to expose everyone on the OM FB list. Also see to it that your WW's sister tells her today that the OM tried to have an affair with her.
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Alright, I'll continue the exposure through his FB list.
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Hi all,
My kids are 7, 5 and (3, birthday was today). I am most definitely not exposing to them. This will be kept from them for as long as possible, forever if we can... Please do not lie to the older children and tell the 3 year old when he can understand. Never seen a recovery where the children are left this vulnerable. Ever. You leave them open to abuse from OM. You allow your wife to believe they will accept a new stepdad Very, very wrong. Your children are confused and hurt. Please go to them. Thank goodness the BW had more sense. Hi all,
My kids are 7, 5 and (3, birthday was today). I am most definitely not exposing to them. This will be kept from them for as long as possible, forever if we can.
So about a minute after I wrote my last post, the phone rang. It was from OM's area code. No response when I answered. 10min later phone rang again and this time he talked to me. He was very awkward at first, but got into it afterwards. He told me, so you talked to my wife today? Said yes, I guess you've been talking to mine for the last 2 weeks. He was very calm, but indignant that I would call his wife before calling him. He couldn't understand. I guess, I get his point. But since I had asked my wife to stop her relationship with him, and she relayed everything to him, I felt like he should have gotten the message that I wasn't happy with him talking to her, so why would I need to call him? It seems like he thought there was a "bro code" where I should have given him a heads up.  This man believes that women are worthless and you, like him, are just using your wife for occasional pleasure. This is an easy man to outpace in terms of manliness.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Given the circumstances, I think it's naive for anyone to think that after exposure (of any kind) he would have completed stopped talking to my wife. They have known each other for close to 20 years, and have told each other the ol' "love you". It's silly to think that immediately after he was exposed that he would be too scared to contact her to say that his world was crashing down on him. If you think that a much broader exposure would have achieved different results-- you're crazy!! Who knows who would have challenged him about it, and it wouldn't have been right away. Your wife is very easy meat to him - and her sister too! He will dump her if it makes life too hard. Unfortunately he's got this idea that you are wimpish and can be told off. You must correct that mistake pronto. I'd go for internet exposure with this one. That would seriously dent his extra curricular sex life.
Last edited by indiegirl; 03/22/15 09:04 AM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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No, HE is referring to OM.
Look, OM has no respect for a married woman who cats around. OW is easy meat to him. OM, however, probably has a limit of how much trouble that meat is worth.
OM thinks you are a wimp, if he's not afraid to keep going after your wife. This is now where you puff up your chest and show him the fury of intruding your home.
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