1st of all, I'm not sure if I'm putting this topic in the correct category. If it's not, please feel free to guide me in the right direction and I'll delete/repost...but I really need some guidance!

My husband and I have been married for almost 36 years. We've had some bumps in the road, just like everyone else. 2 years ago, we moved to a large city from a smaller suburb. This move was because he was transferred with his company. Long story short...he is now working around a lot of female colleagues. I know he takes his job serious because he likes what he does. He has 35 years invested with this company, so I'm pretty sure he's aware that any inappropriate relationships would mess up his career. He is a VERY big BS'er!! He's a people pleaser. He's also been diagnosed as being borderline bipolar. He says he loves me and I feel like he does because who would stick around for 36 years if they didn't. We have 3 boys and 3 grandchildren and have a lot of memories!

My problem is that a few years ago, I discovered a 4 year relationship he had with a young woman who was a waitress at a hotel. He met her during a week long conference held at the hotel. It's just that trust thing that gets broken...and he didn't even work with her. He swears it was not about sex so in his opinion it wasn't an "affair" even though I found phone call records where he'd call her right after calling me while on a business trip...called her on Valentine's day, etc. After 36 years, I do know him pretty well and know that he's a people person and loves talking to people, watching people, etc. The bad thing is, I'm just the opposite.

So now, he's working around all these women that we didn't have to contend with before and I'm having anxiety/panic attacks because of this. The most recent thing is a new female colleague - to replace a retiree - who's coming on board in a few days who will work right alongside him. He tells me that for a trip he's had planned, she may be going with him....for a 6 hr car ride....from Monday-Thursday!!! I don't know how to deal with this! There's already one woman he works with that I get nervous vibes about...in fact, I just met her a couple of hours ago while visiting him for lunch. He lied to me about something and I know this because I read an email from her on his phone. I know, I know...I probably should just stay out of his phone, but because of the previous affair I just can't help myself!!

What should I do?? When I've confronted him about my feelings, he gets very angry and defensive. In one situation a few weeks ago, we were in a fast food restaurant....I started crying because of a panic attack...and he blew up, started cursing at me asking "why are you crying", "I'm tired of you bringing this up", and even suggested us splitting up. When he saw me the next morning, he hugged me and almost started crying.

Since we moved here 2 years ago, his anger has gotten worse but I notice it's worse mainly at the end of the day. I've found hidden cash, something he's never done before and now the cash is gone. Did he move to another hiding place? Did he spend it on someone else? He doesn't use it for lunch or gifts for me, etc. Everything like that comes out of our checking account.

I know that some people will say to tell him he can't work alone with these women. His answer to that would be "it's my job"!! I've actually confronted his boss, who we've known for about 30 years. He told me he didn't know of anything inappropriate, but then he himself was cheated on by his fiancee so why should I trust him? I've thought about emailing another female colleague of his that I've spoken to and trust over the past several years. I can take him working around these women in an office environment, but this 6 hour trip to me isn't healthy for a marriage. He doesn't think anything of it, of course.

Thanks for your help. I'll definitely be waiting for answers:)

Welcome to MB.

Have you read this?
The Risk of Opposite-sex Friendships in Marriage

Have you read all of these?
Start Here First-SAA

Lots of people with loose boundaries have done really stupid and disgraceful things and destroyed their careers. Just because an HR guide states that romantic relationships are not allowed doesn't mean people adhere to the rule. People often have affairs with work colleagues.

And just because he has stuck around for almost 36 years doesn't mean the marriage is a relationship of extraordinary care. We've been married for 35 years and our marriage was a disaster for much of it. My H had a couple of affairs and was flirtatious and a BS-er, same as yours. I was miserable for much of it. It was just as easy for him to stay married to me since I didn't raise the bar. Ya know what I mean?


Your H had an affair. It's very doubtful that it was "just" emotional. Affairs are a disaster whether they progress to sex or not. An affair is a romantic relationship with someone other than your spouse. So, yes, it was an affair. Do you know who the woman was? Did you expose the affair? There is a process for recovering a marriage after an affair,which includes eliminating the conditions that led to the affair. Have you been snooping quietly to find out what he's up to?


As a spouse, you have every right to have access to all your H's technology (and he to yours, of course.) Your H has poor boundaries around women and should not work with them. Period. You are having panic attacks and anxiety for darned good reason! He shouldn't be driving alone in a car with a woman either! These are basic boundaries a spouse should be taking to protect the marriage! It is so easy to fall in love with someone other than your spouse when we are not very careful to protect our love bank.

It's ridiculous to think you should trust your H when he has done nothing to earn it!


What do you mean when you say you confront him about your feelings? Do you get angry?


When you ask him about the cash, what does he say? Does he have receipts?

Anger is a big problem in marriage. You should not put up with anger.


Well, the answer IS that he shouldn't be working closely with women since he is a loose cannon. If your marriage had recovered from the affair and he had instituted extraordinary precautions, then he would know how to work professionally with women. He would understand that all conversations should be on a professional level, never personal. He would understand that even if it cost money to take an extra car or made a colleague unhappy, he would never agree to ride alone in a car with a woman for 6 hours.

Here's a checklist for you to look over. This applies to his first affair. Has any of this happened?

Borderline Bi-polar???

Is he diagnosed?

Is he medicated?

They can't handle fidelity in the best of circumstances but in a high powered, high stress, traveling job surrounded by women....you are absolutely right not to trust him at all.

As a condition....BOUNDARY to staying in a relationship with a Bi-polar individual you need to maintain strict control of their medication and their finances. He should also never spend the night separate from you and ideal work a very low stress job either entirely with men or with you. It's the only way you can monitor his health AND his fidelity.

The number one killer of Bi-polar's is suicide. You have cause to be alarmed. Your intuition is probably dead on and he's probably, if he hasn't already. behaved in a manner which will cost him his 30 year career and his self worth as a company man. Keep snooping and when you uncover what he's really doing...then expose him and get him out of that job which is killing him AND you.

Consider a voice activated digital voice recorder hidden in his car. Read the Operation Investigate forum for more information.


Caveat - I say he should give you control of his meds and finances in order for you to maintain a relationship with him. I realize that's not very likely. Bi-polars don't often give up control. Control is part of their illness as well but some do when they realize they are losing their wife unless they turn over the driver's seat.

Godspeed. My father in law was a Bi-polar. I helped my MIL divorce him, separate from him, and protect herself from him but it all took a huge toll on both of them. He died in a casino a couple years later at age 60 and she had a heart attack and died a few years later, seemingly completely healthy and active at age 66. I know the stress you've already endured being with this man all too well; and, before he crashes and burns you might want to, in the least, protect yourself best you can financially. Start hoarding cash. Put things in your own name. Work part time.

Isnt he a doctor?

Oh yuk. You deserve better than being the 'he stuck with me option' - he cares nothing about your feelings and is completely unrepentant about his affair.

Keep out of his phone? Nooooo! You should have spyware all over this.

He should also be on notice. 30 days to find another job or exposure to the workplace about his affair and a separation. Read up on Plan B.

All you have to lose is a cheating husband.

No, but I'm going to. Thanks!

Some has happened, some not. I became aware in 2006 so I'm beyond the point of addressing that situation.

So at what point should I contact his boss? I've already asked him in a round about way if he's having an affair and he responded that he didn't know about anything inappropriate. I'm pretty sure he doesn't know about his bipolar, which is borderline BTW.

You should do a full exposure NOW - you should not be the one haggling and negotiating with your husband. Let your loved ones support you and blow his 'no big deal' attitude out of the water. That's what's killing you. Look at your username! Expose OW too using the guidance on the exposure thread. It doesn't matter that it's 'over' because they don't get to keep that secret. It also isn't over - they work together!

As for the workplace:

(Quoting the exposure thread)

Workplace exposure letter - be sure and send to 3 key people and cc each on the letter. Good targets would be the Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both affairee's supervisor. This can be sent via registered letter or even via email!

From Dr Harley's book, Surviving an Affair - pg 71,

"While I unhesitatingly recommend exposing the affair to friends, family, clergy, children and the lover's spouse, I'm not so quick to suggest exposing it to an employer. That's because such exposure could have unintended legal and economic consequences. For example, the affair might constitute grounds for a sexual harassment claim by the unfaithful spouse's lover. Or it might trigger the outright firing of the spouse, making it far more difficult for them to find another job. So in those cases I usually advise the betrayed spouse to warn the unfaithful spouse he or she will expose the affair to the employer in a month if the unfaithful spouse is still working there, giving him or her time to make a graceful exit from the job to another. Even if a new job cannot be found in a month, I recommend waiting no longer to inform the employer, unless the unfaithful spouse has already resigned."

You don't ask the boss! You tell him. You tell 3 key people that the affair is a fact.

The exposure thread.


http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2626594&page=1

Expose both affairees without warning THEN confront your husband. Ask him where he will be staying if he does not get another job.

If your husband isn't 'hat in hand' remorseful upon exposure you should make plans to separate for your own mental health.

Women experience PTSD for years and have nervous breakdowns if they stay in this situation too long.

Yep, I've already had one with the 1st affair. Didn't know anything about Marriage Builders... Sorry, I don't know how to put a previous quote in my response...

You press the quick quote button at the bottom of the post window. Make sure your quote starts with a square bracket like this: [ then the word quote, an equal sign and the person's user name should be bookended by another square bracket.

At the end of the quote, more square brackets with a / sign and the word 'quote' inside. The square brackets appear automatically, just make sure you don't knock off a bracket with your cursor.





Hugs to you poor girl! We know what it feels like.

Make sure you are eating and sleeping - or at least napping and biting.

We will take care of you here. Dr Harley is well aware of the symptoms this type of abuse generates. His advice will do everything to recover your marriage if that's possible, but unless it's safe we need to protect you and your well being.

You are all your kids have!

So, can you a) install spyware
and b) get ready for a nuclear exposure that will discomfort them both entirely?

Spyware is a no-go! He only has a corporate laptop with massive security! I used to be able to log in to his email via webmail, but he figured that out and now when logging in outside of his office, he got IT to make it mandatory for him to receive a text with a passcode. They also have to change passwords like every 45 days!!

Right now, I'm in the "I hope this isn't happening" phase and gathering as much evidence as I can. I have a few emails, pics but that's about it. Trying to determine the best method of saving them. The majority are in my email account, but I'm thinking he may catch on to what I'm doing and snoop in it. So what's the best method?? Also have some on my laptop. Right now I'm in the process of taking screenshots of everything and saving to a zip drive. If you know of anything else, do tell!!

Thanks!

You know it's happening! When affair partners work together the A can't possibly end. They also become more wayward in that environment.

Make a fake email account for storage. Put spyware on his home pc and his own phone and other devices. You may think there won't be much there but you'd be surprised. You've already seen slips here and there.

The best kind of 'spyware' is a PI. You could have one check out his behaviour at lunch.