My answer is above.

Ah, I gotcha.

Congrats! Thanks for satisfying my curiosity.

How do I manage pressure from my mom and other family members who opine that "Jesus supped with prostitutes" and "there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ."

Seriously, I get bible verses lobbed at me by family members like weapons, and I get very confused when trying to parse the theology from the practical day to day decisions of HOW TO LIVE.

Thank you he is pretty much completely on board with Marriage BUilders. We read it together all the time and put into practice the POJA on everything. He's still a little shaky on it, because he always wants to give in to me (the "ain't nobody happy if momma's not happy" misconception) so I usually have to gently point him toward the mutual benefits it brings to the relationship. It is so simple, yet so genius. But you guys already know that.

Kiwi,

It's not clear if your BIL is fighting for his marriage or you are the only one who is trying to push them towards reconciliation?

From what I understand, almost 3 years since you first posted and your sister still not divorced. Are they separated? Or live together?

Hi Aerith, thank you for weighing in. My BIL is not pushing for reconciliation. In fact he often does not remember who people are, so he is not functioning very well at all. They have been separated for quite some time. I'm not even certain that I would push any reconciliation at this point, b/c I think my sister is bad news for him. I believe she is still interested in his retirement, pension, savings, etc. so I would hate to see her hanging onto the marriage just to get the money at the end.

At one point she asked him for half of his savings so that she could buy a house, and when he refused, she threatened divorce (for like the 14th time).

Also according to her, she was recently diagnosed as borderline (?) - which I don't know much about, but I'm not certain I really believe it's a legit illness or not. I guess there are many more intelligent people than I who don't agree either. But it just seems like taking a bunch of lousy character traits and then lumping them together as an "illness." I don't know... Again I am very ignorant in this kind of thing.

As you mentioned, "Christ says to confront someone no more than two times, after which you essentially leave someone to the natural consequences of their actions." The Bible also says that we are to live in peace with all men as much as it depends on us. For you to live in peace with your sister would require her to repent. Without repentance, you will not be able to live in peace with her, so your only choice would be to avoid her. If she repents, then yes, your family's quoted Bible verses would apply. Jesus associated with sinners to call them to repentance. Is your family prepared for you to bring up your sister's sin and call her to repentance every time you're around her? Is she?

He currently lives with his mother. I just spoke to his brother last week and he confirmed that his older sister has power of attorney when it comes to BIL's finances. IMHO, if my sister truly has no conscience about any of this, he needs to be protected from her, not thrown back together with her.

I am 100% pro marriage, but in cases like this perhaps divorce would be the definition of success, at least for my BIL. My sister is manipulative and extremely cunning at getting her way, and then turning things around on other people when she doesn't. It saddens me to say this, but it is true.

Thank you for weighing in. No, she is definitely not prepared for a confrontation regarding her sin every time I see her. lol. Nor is my family. My parents have largely bought into her twisted version of events and thus feel that she was--not even sure how to verbalize this--semi-justified (?) in doing what she did. B/c her husband was a hoarder, because he refused to get help for it, etc., and of course because my sister's dreams of having the nice house and comfy life were ruined. I have tried to engage my mom in discussions about this (she is a professing Christian, BTW), and about how her desertion of my BIL is cruel and morally repugnant, but she seems stuck in this twilight of cognitive dissonance in which she knows but doesn't want to know that my sister is just a bad person. It is easier for my mom and others to label me as judgmental, angry, unforgiving, etc. etc. ad nauseum. It's really painful.

Adultery is one of the 10 Commandments. I don't think there's any way to get around that. It doesn't give exceptions to the rules. There's no justification for breaking God's laws.

Agree.

You might also point out that your parents are endangering your sister's eternal soul by not encouraging her to repent (1 Corinthians 6:9).

Really sad and difficult situation for his family. Obviously, the marriage is not even on the list at this point.

And agree, he needs to be protected financially. Not sure if any effective treatments available at the moment...

What an unfortunate situation.

You did the right thing. Reading your family's comments to you (at the beginning of this thread) about exposing made me think of my in-laws who reacted the same way (but less intensely) about exposure, particularly my FIL. They wanted to keep everything on a "need-to-know" basis and let them manage the roll-out of the facts. I did it anyways.

It just really frustrates me when I see people act like this for the sake of their family (or their church), because it just suffocates the very thing they are trying so desperately to protect. The truth is life to a family or a fellowship and when it is covered up or extinguished, the vacuum that is left behind destroys the depth (and integrity) of any relationships within it. It's almost tangible, like something you can feel. You know something is off, but you can't put your finger on it (or maybe you have a very educated guess!) and the awkwardness just creates distance. And when the truth finally comes out (it ALWAYS does eventually!) the repercussions are so much worse.

That's the painful irony to me...these people trying so hard to preserve their perfect picture end up losing it altogether because they can't see how destructive lying is.

I can understand completely wanting to keep your S at a distance. Waywards are like cancer to a marriage because they have no respect for it. She is dangerous to you and your husband for that reason, even if she isn't a risk for an A. Just the advice or perspective of these people usually fuels selfishness and myopia, attitudes that destroy marriages.

Congratulations! You sound like an amazing couple.

Life is too short for people who give us pain, dont you think?

I'm curious as to why you have anything to do with your parents. They threw your sister under a bus rather than do the hard things necessary to help her, abandoned their son in law and dumped all blame on you. How do you expect them to be there for you when it matters. It sounds like any contact with them is also a huge, huge drag.

Since PoJA dictates do nothing you are not enthusiastic about - and I don't think YOU are enthusiastic about being their fall guy - why not just put a little distance between you and them?

You made the point before that your fiance is against adultery because he was a victim, but I meet many non victim people who think so all the time. The only people who don't are either wayward themselves or else so morally weak that they cannot be trusted near you.

Does your BiL have any family looking out for him?

Do you and your fiance listen to MB radio? Excellent way for your fiance to really learn the concepts.