Ok... where to begin.

My wife and I have been married for 5 years, together for 7, and have a 5 and 3 year old children. Let me first say that my marriage wasn't perfect; obviously none are. My wife and I had our lives change very quickly. We met while we were both in the military. I was on my way out, and she had only been in less than a year and was supposed to go to Kuwait. 3 months after we started dating, she became pregnant (a few years later she told me that, since I was moving back home and she was going overseas, she purposely didn't get her birth control shot in the hopes that she would get pregnant so that she "wouldn't lose me"). I stayed with her after I got out of the military and we started living together. After my daughter was born, my wife got orders to go overseas. However, only her family could go with her; if we didn't get married, I couldn't go and would probably never see her or my child for 3 years. Not a good situation, but we got married in August 2009 and in December we were in a foreign country.

Things were rough over there. I can admit that I was controlling, insecure, and unhappy however, such feelings were not all my fault. I brought baggage with me from a previous relationship and never had it resolved, but at the same time she didn't communicate well with me, I caught her lying on several occasions, she would have "guy friends" and hide them from me, and (while I know this was before we were really involved) after she got pregnant I learned that she had slept with at least 8 different guys in 6 months, quite a few of them coworkers of ours. When we first started dating, she would break up with me for no good reason (no, really) for a week or two, then get back together with me. I later found out (after she was pregnant) that she had been sleeping around during those "breaks" (breaks that were not my idea).

While in the foreign country, after about 1.5 years, she told me that she didn't love me any more. She started going out all night and wouldn't get home until crazy times like 2am, 3am, or even 5am. She didn't think it was a big deal and stated to me that she hated having to "answer to someone." I told her that, since she was married with a child, she has to answer to us. Then things calmed down and we decided to try to have a second child. She got pregnant right away and we had our son overseas. We decided to buy a house once we got back to the States. In January 2013 we moved to Florida, bought a house, and tried to settle in.

Things were still a bit rocky, but they were an improvement over our time overseas. It should be known that, since we moved overseas, I hadn't worked and instead was a stay-at-home-dad and a full-time student. That was also our agreement when we moved to Florida. I can honestly say that I was selfish, and was still controlling and insecure. But, at the same time, she was deceitful and refused to communicate with me. She is the type of person that bottles things up and then explodes, unleashing a tirade of expletives and insults mixed in with her legitimate concerns. It is hard to be receptive to legitimate concerns while you are being verbally abused. Plus, I had told her I would change, but even when I did the changes didn't last very long and I went right back into my old ways (stupid, I know).

Fast forward to September 2014. Towards the end of the month, she had made some comments to me about getting divorced. Once again I changed myself just enough to get her to change her mind, but then reverted to my old ways. On October 4th she went out with a female friend to get tattoos and at 10pm texted me that "they were done and going to get some drinks." As you can guess, she wasn't with the female friend anymore. She met up with OM. I tried calling a couple times throughout the night, but they, along with my texts, were all ignored and unanswered. I figured out from Facebook (surprise!) who she was probably with. At 5am she finally called me back, admitted to being with OM, and was on her way home. OM is a coworker and also in the military.

When I confronted her, I was not hostile or angry. She admitted that they only made out in his car for "a really long time." It was at this point that she said that she wanted to get divorced, she didn't love me anymore, etc. I was devastated. I tried to plead with her, but obviously that didn't work. At first we still did things like sleep in the same bed and shower together, but nothing sexual (we have only had sex once, and fooled around 3 times, in the past 6 months). For the next 2 months (Oct-Nov) things increasingly became worse. She began sleeping in another room. Wanted complete privacy. Was on her phone texting 24/7. Was coming home late from work, every day, at least 1-2 hours. One time she left for work at 3am (always left at 5am) to "work out at the gym" before work, when she and her command always did it after work. Another time she stayed in a hotel 30 minutes away, but was only 10 minutes away from the base and OM (she later said that she invited him over, but he refused to come).

In October and November we went to MC, and I have to admit that it was actually really good. The MC was confident that we could work out our issues and was devoted to reconciliation. On November 20th I discovered that she had been maintaining contact with OM through phone records (I had to hack into our joint account because she changed password and wouldn't give it to me). I threatened to expose them to her command. She became very remorseful and apologetic and we talked until about 2am. The next day they both "self-reported," and she said that they told their command everything. I found out this was a complete lie, as a week or so later (Dec. 4th) I talked to her supervisor who said that they claimed their relationship was "just friendly, only at work, and nothing unduly had occurred." I didn't have a whole lot of evidence at that point, outside of phone records, so I decided not to expose them yet.

That same day, at night, she came with her female friend (the same one who she got tattoos with) to the house, got a bunch of stuff, and left me and her children to live in the barracks on base. Mind you, OM lives in the barracks. My wife was adamant that their affair had ended at the end of November and they had zero contact. I'm not that stupid, but I had no way of proving it. She lived on base in the barracks, I had the kids every day and night by myself, and she changed cell phone companies. Things remained like this until February, when she got her own place, which was only 10 minutes or so from the base.

All along I was led to believe that they had zero contact since November, and staring in mid-February she appeared to be warming up a bit. But to be honest, I couldn't figure out why she was so unreceptive towards me. I knew that if OM was still in her life, then the affair was still going on and she could not be receptive to me. But, as I said, I had no way of knowing. I went back home in mid-March with my kids to see family for a week. We had a lot of good talks, but she was adamant that she didn't want to work things out, didn't love me, etc. But she was being a bit more open with me about some things, such as money and things that were bothering her.

On the day we flew back, while at O'Hare, I asked her what she was doing Monday night. She claimed she was going to hang out with a girl, one that I knew she didn't like and had said was a weirdo. I just said "ok," but I knew something was up. Ever since she had moved out on Dec. 4th, and even after she got her own place off base on Feb. 4th, I had never made the 30 minute drive to check up on her. But, when Monday came, I did. At 1030pm I found OM's vehicle in front of her place and took pictures. I had the kids with me, asleep, so decided not to confront right then. I did call and she gave me a story about her and the girl watching a movie.

The next day (Mar. 24th) I called and confronted, and she admitted he was there. I called her division supervisor, met with him, and submitted an 8 page statement (detailing everything since Oct. 4th) along with phone records, text message usage, and other evidence. They are currently under investigation. On this past Friday, I was talking to her on the phone and she said that she was honest with the investigators. I told her that I didn't believe. I asked "do you want me to take this to JAG?" She said "no," so I told her that she had better be honest with me or I would take everything up to JAG that day. She claimed that she told her command that they had been dating and sleeping together since the end of October. I was pissed. Granted, I had suspected it all along, but didn't have concrete proof it had been happening that long or the entire time. Now I knew. I called her Chief and asked if she had told them that stuff, and he said "no." However, to be fair, he isn't a part of the investigation, but he said that he would pass that info on the CID.

Friday and Saturday we talked on the phone a few times (45 and 60 minutes), but she was still resistant to the possibility of working things out. She claims that there is a no-contact order between them and that she hasn't talked to him at all, but how can I really believe that? Similarly, she claims she told the investigators the truth, but can I believe that either? She has lied to everyone (me, her sisters, her family, my family, her kids, her job, OM too) and snuck around, and did everything to not get in trouble or caught for more than 6 months, so why would she be "come clean" and be honest now, especially if it meant she would get in a lot of trouble? Not only that, but she abandoned our children; she moved to the barracks for 2 months, then to an apartment outside the base, to carry on her affair in secret.

I found MB on Saturday night, and furiously began reading everything I could. On Sunday I exposed to her family and friends, as well as OM's. I have received a lot of support from both sides, which is such a relief. I was hesitant to expose, but I knew it had to be done and I am glad that I did. I feel so much more in control of my life and myself, and I have to be strong and in control to be a good father, fully commit to changes in myself, and for there to be any hope of a successful Plan A. I have heard, since October, every textbook WW fog-babble there is. She doesn't love, she has never loved me, she never should have married me, I am the biggest mistake of her life, she hates me, divorce isn't because of OM, and on and on. I used to take it to heart, but now I know better and don't even worry about, on top of realizing all of the times it was said in the past was simply nonsense.

Oh, I forgot to mention that she filed for divorce in February. Of course, as I said, according to her the divorce has nothing to do with OM; it is because she "just has to get away," "wants to start over," blah blah blah. For the past 6 months I have been doing a lot of Plan A-ing, but I realize that she was never receptive to me because she was in an active affair and had not been exposed. I have done a lot of REAL changes to myself over the past 6 months, and I am proud and happy of who I have become. I have read the stories of both MacTheSpoon and wifedivorcing, and I must say that they are incredible and have definitely inspired me. wifedivorcing, specifically, has let me see just how horrible a WW can get and how one must act for Plan A to work.

But, to get to the current time, I have been very cool, calm, and collected every time I have any interaction with her... even since exposure 3 days ago when she was pretty verbally abusive. I have talked to her on the phone a couple times and texted, but she obviously doesn't want to talk to me a whole lot right now. When we do talk, especially yesterday on the phone, I have explained that I exposed because I love her and the kids and to save the marriage, said (in many different ways, as suggested by peeps like MelodyLane, Vader, and indiegirl in wifedivorcing's thread) that I know we can reconcile and have a loving marriage, that I am committed to our marriage and family, I listen and validate her legitimate complaints (such as old marriage problems), I do not validate fog-babble, and I also try to make LB deposits where I can. For example, tomorrow morning she was supposed to be coming by at 9am to pick up the kids. When I talked to her on the phone last night, I suggested that we have breakfast as a family. She agreed. I also asked her if there was anything special she wanted, she told me and then said she would be by at 8am instead. I also suggested that, since she is going on night-shift on Saturday, that we could have family dinners on a consistent basis and why that would be good. She agreed. Baby-steps... But, to reiterate, can not confirm that there is indeed no-contact.

I knows that's a huge wall of text and a lot to take in. I am on Plan A and feel totally in control of myself; have felt that way for a while. I'll be updating every couple days or so, or maybe a few times per day, depending on what's going on.

Chup,

Your WW cheated on you before you were married, multiple times, and apparently multiple times during your marriage culminating in a large powerful affair triggering a divorce, with numerous emotional affairs along the way that WW feels are her right. In a sense you've never had a marriage or even an honest girlfriend.

You need to do a massive exposure on your WW complete and OM, contact their relative, workplaces, churches and whomever has an influence on their lives, no one should have to suffer what you have and just take it on the chin.

Do not warn or threaten the exposure.

Get tested for STDs and possibly DNA tests for your children.

Gamma

Hi Gamma,

Already did massive exposure on WW and OM this past weekend (Sunday). I have a ton of support from both her family and OM's family. As far as her cheating during our marriage (specifically while we were overseas), while it is a possibility, it is just speculation and there is no way to prove it now. The kids are definitely mine. As far as STDs, definitely something I am planning, as I have a doctor appointment tomorrow to see if I can get antidepressants; while I feel good and in control, I know they will help me keep my composure if/when times get tough.

Hi CC, welcome to Marriage Builders. The huge difference between your case and wifedivorcing's is that your wives have a completely different philosophy of marriage. WD's wife stumbled into an affair. Your wife is a serial cheater who does not believe in monogamy. Your entire relationship has been one of lying and cheating. Your wife is a playah. WD had a great marriage in the past with a woman who was monogamous.

What you view above as a "baby step" is really your wife trying to get in some occasional parenting time so she doesn't look so bad in the divorce. It wouldnt surprise me if she conned you into allowing her to come home and kick you out so she could get full custody of the kids. I don't believe for a second that your wife has suddenly become monogamous and is interested in your marriage.


What were these �changes� you were supposed to make?

You must expose this affair to JAG or this affair will never die.

Sorry to say your WW most likely has been cheating on you from day 1.

You need a paternity test done on the kids.

I can understand that sentiment Mel, but her cheating any time between the very beginning and the past October is up in the air. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that it definitely isn't a very real possibility, but any concrete proof is long gone. I won't say that she couldn't or didn't cheat during that time, but it is only speculation on the other side. Trust me, I had my suspicions and some highly questionable stuff happened, but I never found anything. No emails, phone calls, texts, smells, nothing, and I looked hard and for a long time.

Well, she could have just said "no" to the breakfast thing tomorrow and picked up the kids at 9. But I'm not so na�ve as to trust her intentions or believe that things she does don't have some sort of ulterior motive behind them. I'm always skeptical of everything she says or does.

I have been keeping a detailed list of every time she calls the kids, sees the kids, has them over night, as well as when she is late, when she has no contact at all, and anything related to custody. As far as kicking me out, won't happen. She doesn't even have a key any more, plus I have myself established in the marital residence and she has established herself as having voluntarily moving out (and living elsewhere) back at the beginning of December. I should probably note that I have filed my counter-petition, and will be filing a petition to relocate. My counselor (MC for me and WW) flat out said my WW ABANDONED her children and it would be in their, and my, best interests to get out of Florida; going to use that if we get to divorce proceedings.

I was to cut out the controlling behaviors, stop nit-picking everything she did and said, stop constant negativity, stop complaining, be more outgoing, be more involved as a father, help out more around the house, and be more respectful to her.

I am letting CID do their thing right now. If I don't like the results, JAG is always an option.

I can understand that sentiment, but I don't think its true. Then again, it may be.

Kids are definitely mine. I know they are.

The description you paint here
.....paints a very different story. It paints a picture of a woman who plays around and has never stopped. Your wife has a very troubling philosophy of marriage.


She said yes, I believe, to build up her divorce case. I know you want to believe there is something here, but there is not. Surely her lawyer has told her she needs to engage more with the kids.


That won't stop her, I assure you.

I was to cut out the controlling behaviors, stop nit-picking everything she did and said, stop constant negativity, stop complaining, be more outgoing, be more involved as a father, help out more around the house, and be more respectful to her.[/quote]

What exactly did you do to "control" her? What were your complaints? And I am not sure what you mean by "be more outgoing?" That does not sound like a reasonable thing to ask a spouse. How were you disrespectful and controlling? Can you give me specific examples of what you did?


The JAG should be the first stop. Is there a reason you are not going directly to them?

Ok, getting frustrated here. Below is what you said in your first post and now you say it is "up in the air." If you change your story I will not post here because it will be impossible to keep your story straight. Did you post the below in your first post or not?

Update:

Just got off the phone with her. It started out fine, as we talked about the kids and things like that. I asked her what she was up to, and she said she was working on divorce paperwork. She then said that my mom texted here, saying that we share the same thought that the divorce is because of her affair. I said, "That's because it is."

She says that I had no right to tell her family about her affair, it was none of their business, that I only gave them my side, and if she wanted them to know then she would have told them. She still maintains that her affair has nothing to do with her wanting to get divorced. Her reasoning now is that she doesn't talk to him anymore (doubtful, but if true then only for a few days). She also made sure to yell at me and get verbally abusive.

I remained calm and didn't respond to her hostility. I replied that her family did have a right to know and it was their business. I reiterated that I did it to save our marriage, and that it was not done for revenge or to be vindictive. I also said that her wanting to get divorced is because of the affair, and that everyone sees that now (she lied to everyone about having an affair, even her sister sees that the affair is the cause of her wanting a divorce), and she replied with "whatever f***ing helps you sleep at night." She said that I screwed her over and that she "hates me" before she hung up.

So a few minutes later I texted her: "Are you going to be here at 8 for breakfast tomorrow?" She replied: "Yes." And my response was: "Great! Come hungry! See you then :)"

Sorry to frustrate you Mel, but maybe I can better clarify. The very beginning of our relationship was March 2008. Those breaks (2 of them) were in March. She got pregnant in June. It was after June (maybe August?) that I found out she had slept with other guys during those breaks in March (she told me). I'm just saying that between the very beginning (March 2008) and past October (2014), I don't have any proof that she ever cheated. Not saying it couldn't have happened, but I don't know.

As far as her being out until crazy times in the morning, while we lived overseas, that happened three times (2am, 3am, and 5am) over the course of 1.5 - 2 months. Each time she went with a group of girls (all that I knew, and all but one was married) and came back with them. So, again, while I don't have any proof that she cheated, it's not like it isn't a possibility.

You are in serious denial about the extent of the cheating. She is a freeloader. Not marriage material. Move to protect yourself and the kids.

Trying to save a marriage with a serial cheater is very, very difficult. Perhaps impossible, especially when she shows you over and over that she doesn't value you or the family.

Please listen to melody lane. Trust the experience of the posters here.

It really is quite amazing that you would even say this after her history of lying and sleeping with anything that moves.

Have you listened to the clips in here?
Serial Cheaters

Yes I do not understand how you are believing things your WW has said regarding her cheating.

As said JAG is your first step to fight this affair yet the way you are denial about your WW being a serial cheater you are in denial about JAG.

Expose this affair to JAD today.

If you can afford to, you might want to get some type of recording equipment set-up for when she comes for breakfast, etc. If you are divorcing and petitioning to move the kids, she doesn't sound like she is above making false allegations of domestic violence against you to muddy the case. Just saying. Then she could turn the situation around on you where she is the victim again.