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We recently bought a house, which needs fixing before we can move in. It is at the top of our priority list, hopefully It will be ready in the next few months. I am embarrassed about our situation and am not trying to make excuses for him, just calling it as I see it. Yes, at first I did not want to see that his marriage is to his mother, did not want to admit it (my mistake). I did not want to see the anger issues or alcohol problem. A part of me feels so ashamed with myself, and the other part feels blindsided by a man who hid these things VERY well for a long time...But I cannot ignore it anymore, it's eating me up.... As soon as the house is ready I will be moving, whether he comes or not (not really sure what he'll choose). If he chooses me and our marriage, great. But we will have a lot to work on. I do value marriage and believe divorce to be a last option. On the flip side, I'm affraid that between now and then I will have lost all trust, love, and respect for him and won't want this anymore.
I'm not trying to sound so wishy-washy, I'm just that confused, hurt and unsure of everything right now. Do I cut my losses or try to keep it together, pray and do what I can? Is this just a "low point" in our marriage, will (can) it get better? I guess I should start listening to the radio show, maybe it can help. Thanks for all the replies, even the ones that are hard to swallow. You could really do a better job of answering questions. Did you ever tell his mother that you are married?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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OP
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I would strongly suggest that you start getting extremely educated in Marriage Builders. Start listening to Dr. Harley's radio show daily. Get your husband to listen with you if possible, but if not, listen alone. Dr. Harley will educate and motivate you and you will learn what you can do about your situation.
I would also suggest that since your husband has an alcohol problem that you start attending an Al-Anon group. Not sure if you saw them, but I feel these probably really are good suggestions.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Jun 2012
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Yes, I saw those suggestions, thank you. I'm going to download and listen as well as find a support group. I know I can't get him to listen or go with me. I will have to go at it alone. He will feel very hurt at my doing so, but I can't go on until I help myself.. Thanks for listening (reading) to my "going off the deep end", every situation is different and difficult. I hope I can help to change things around.
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Joined: Jun 2011
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On the flip side, I'm affraid that between now and then I will have lost all trust, love, and respect for him and won't want this anymore. I'm amazed you still have any love at all for him. From the get-go he was almost disowning you. There are two problems with 'saving the marriage' to do with your lovebank. A) If you stick it out with him and this attitude (for any length of time really) your lovebank will die - a death of a thousand cuts. B) If you were to separate and Plan B him you would feel so much better away from him (and his mommy!) you would simply cease to care about the marriage. That's what I think you should do because it is better than a death of a thousand cuts. The only way to save the marriage as far as I can see, is for him to get as serious as a heart attack, oh like yesterday. Maybe if you were to tell him the separation is coming and start flicking through real estate magazines, he would. The house is never going to happen. He will always find something to stall it - and location won't change his attitude to his mother. You need to tell him you're getting an apartment short term NOW. He is only welcome to come too if he follows this program and has a 180 in attitude. It's up to you to set the bar here. He will limbo as low as you allow him to. I do value marriage and believe divorce to be a last option. Marriage is more than just getting a piece of paper and sticking it out. It involves having standards and enforcing them. A separation does not mean filing. You can give him a lot of time before going Plan D if you want to - but you should protect your lovebank and your own happiness. You have a right to be happy! Do I cut my losses or try to keep it together, pray and do what I can? Is this just a "low point" in our marriage, will (can) it get better? . I don't think you've had anything BUT low point. From the very start he wasn't interested in even ADMITTING he was married! I don't need to ask why you're hanging on or what you want to see happen - renters/freeloaders are wonderful at courtship. I've BTDT. So romantic - so short lived. But they can't do marriage- only buyers can. Unless given great motivation and a real reason to change.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Jun 2011
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There's a great article written by Dr Harley on how renters behave as soon as they get married... Here - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_cohabitation.html.I was married only four months ago after having lived with my husband, Ed, for five years. Since the wedding he has been acting completely different.
Ed has turned our garage into his domain, complete with carpet, couches, appliances, and everything you would need in the perfect bachelor pad. He constantly has friends over and I am excluded. When he is not spending time in the garage he is on-line or playing interactive computer games with his friends. He rarely comes to bed at the same time as me, and just generally does not seem to be interested in sharing anything with me lately.
I understand that marriage is a huge change, but Ed never acted this way before, why now? He is the one that really pushed getting married. Ed's idea of commitment was that Becky wouldn't leave him if he were thoughtless. Her commitment gave him the impression that he could do after marriage what he could not have done before marriage.
In other words, his marriage vows didn't seem to have anything to do with a commitment to provide Becky care and thoughtfulness in marriage. It was simply a commitment not to leave.
If care and thoughtfulness are not a commitment in marriage, the commitment not to leave doesn't make much sense. Why commit yourself to stay in an uncaring and thoughtless relationship? They are making a commitment that no one in their right mind would keep.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Just realised I was using some terms you might not have heard of - Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.
Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.
Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doinf some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful. Renters believe Our relationship is temporary. You may be right for me today and wrong for me tomorrow.
Buyers believe We are together for life.
Renters believe Our relationship should be fair. What I get should balance what I give.
Buyers believe We both contribute whatever it takes to make our relationship successful.
Renters believe As needs change, the relationship may end if needs are difficult to meet.
Buyers believe As needs change, we will make adjustments to meet new needs.
Renters believe Criticism may prompt me to change if it's worthwhile for me to do so.
Buyers believe Criticism indicates a need for change.
Renters believe Sacrifice is reasonable as long as it's fair.
Buyers believe Sacrifice is dangerous and to be avoided.
Renters believe Short-term fixes are fine.
Buyers believe long-term solutions are necessary. According to Harley
most happily married couples have worked their way up from Freeloaders to Renters and finally to Buyers.
He says the problem arises when partners do not eventually become Buyers.
Last edited by indiegirl; 04/09/15 04:56 PM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Indiegirl, you have given me somethings to really think about. Thankyou. I had not heard of the Freeloaders, Renters and Buyers before. Yes, my love bank is pretty low at the moment. There are some instances where he makes "deposits", but only pennies at a time (not enough). I wonder if he really just is this selfish or if he's that dense and "uneducated", if you will. Ours is his first real relationship.
His being tied to mommy's apron strings (who is very manipulative and controlling) aggrivates me to no point. He has on occasion found a courage to stand up for me... Heck I'm still here despite all her bitching. Is that a good sign, not sure. I've considered getting my own place, or at least moving into our unfinnished house (no plumbing, insulation, pretty much gutted). We have so much money tied up in that place right now and even with all the extra hours I've been working, i can't afford to rent (prices here are very high). I feel all I can do is bide my time and wait till the house is done. Nothing will stop me from moving. And as much as it pains me to think, if he choose not to move with me, then I will be there alone and file for a saperation. You're right, I don't deserve this, I deserve to be happy. I hope his eyes can open and if not I will have to swallow the fact that he doesn't really love me or value this marriage... I really hate the waiting game and feeling so trapped!
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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